Please grade my SAT essay.. Help will be highly appreciated..I have my SAT coming up..!

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

Has the emphasis on individualism in our society caused people to forget the importance of belonging to a community?

Running in a rat race today , people have forgotten the real meaning of community. They are limited to themselves and don’t pay heed to what is happening in the society . People just want to earn more and more money and inundate their pockets . Is this change better for our community? Though unanimously not agreed upon by everyone , individualism has caused people to forget the importance of belonging to a community . The gaffe of mr frankenstein , narcissism in animal farm and a general example proves this.

The novel , animal farm , written by George orwell in 1945 is a parable of Russian revolution . The animals band together to overthrow the farmer who exploits them and their products . Soon the pigs start dominating the other animals . The pigs even kill the oldest animal boxer because it suspected them . Pigs don’t bother about their community , they are just concerned with themselves and their well being.

Just like the pigs , Mr frankenstein follows his obsession . He strives hard to create a man made of corpses and even alienates from his family for doing so.
But , he is horrified by his creation . The man made up of corpses feels forlorn and lonely and wants to kill his creator and his near and dear ones. So , frankenstein’s individualism results in the death of his whole family.

Now a days , global warming and pollution and countless problems are rising .
Why are these problems proliferating? The reason is people’s negligence toward the society as a whole. These problems are fatal and gruesome. Everyday hundreds of citizens are dying! People don’t even care to keep the country neat and clean . Earlier people gave their lives for the nation as a whole , but today no one is even willing to donate his blood! Times have changed ; individualism has destroyed our community.

These three examples show how individualism has ruined our community. I strongly feel that individualism has caused people to forget the importance pf belonging to a community.

Please tell me all my mistakes and the areas where I need to improve…
Thanx in advance

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8-10/12

You’ve chosen great examples and your intro started off very well, but your body paragraphs lack depth and grace. Many sentences like “The pigs even kill the oldest animal boxer because it suspected them” are awkwardly stated. I’d say to connect more of your sentences in a fashion that flows well, as they sound sort of choppy right now. Also, try including a longer commentary section at the end of your paragraphs. Nice SAT vocab though!

Also, you should avoid saying “I strongly feel” or anything that’s overly personal.

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There should not be a space before punctuation marks.

Your first two examples are good, but can use a lot of work in terms of grammar/mechanics.

Capitalize “Animal Farm,” “Orwell,” “Revolution,” “Boxer,” “Frankenstein” etc as they are all names or part of names.

Use a semicolon after “community.”

There are lots of people and programs out there that try to preserve the environment, and lots of people are willing to donate blood (although many aren’t). This paragraph is a bit too sharp IMO.

Probably a high 3/low 4 (out of 6).

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Thank u so much neoking and MITer94 …

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What should be my 3rd example Miter94…?
Any suggestions…?
U were a great help to me…

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I have my SAT in November. Do you mind giving me some suggestions guys.? Presently I am getting a score of 200 in practice tests. I am aiming for a 2100… Doing self study…please do help…
Thanx in advance

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Sorry that’s 2000

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@abcdefgh3 you can definitely use pollution/environmental problems caused by individuals, but I suggest making these changes:

  1. I'm not exactly sure how rising pollution levels and other environmental problems stem from "individualism" (the idea of promoting individual worth). I guess if everyone drove their own Lexus without regards to others or the environment, perhaps.
  2. Remove the obviously incorrect statements (no one is willing to donate his/her blood) or alter them.
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Ohkay…! Thanx a ton MITer94
How about this essay…?
You seem to be a great help to me MITer94…
Is it better than the last one…?

TOPIC - Is the world changing for the better…?

Every second the world is evolving and we are learning something new. Now the question arises whether the change is pleasant or abominable . There has been a lot of growth and development in the world if we compare it to the past . So, the question " is the world changing for the better " is fallacious . In other words , world is changing for the better,not worse . The evidence supporting this fact throughout history and life is pervasive.

Rosa Parks , today known as the mother of civil rights movement fought a lot against the discrimination of blacks . She jeopardised punishment and jail for not giving up her seat. In Montgomery district , the front seats of the buses could only be allotted to the “whites”; blacks were only allowed to sit at the back only if the whites have been assembled. One day , when the driver asked Rosa to give up her seat,she refused to do because she felt that she had the right to sit on her seat . She was tired of segregation . She was incarcerated for not listening to the driver .

Martin luther king,as we all know the leader of the civil rights movement, launched a boycott of Montgomery buses. Around 17,000 blacks carried the protest for one year . Finally the supreme court intervened and declared the segregation in buses as unconstitutional . Martin luther king had the vision and dream of bringing a change in the world. He controverted discrimination and pursued equity . He said that people should be known on basis of their talents , not on the basis of their skin colour. Today , there is equality between blacks and whites ; there is no kind of distinction. Blacks live their live their lives like any other white does. They have the full freedom. So , isn’t this change better for the world?

We are conversant with what is happening around the world . We get to know so much about the weather,natural calamities etc through the help of satellites . People are becoming more and more aware everyday . Issues such as molestation,rapes,threatening etc have taken a firm stance in the world. The world has become closer now with the help of social websites such as Facebook,twitter,what’s app and many more.

To reiterate , the world has changed for the better . The examples from life and history show that world has changed out lives dramatically and made our lives much more euphoric and easier.

Please tell me all my mistakes… Which other examples can I include…? I want to score atleast a 10…
Thanx in advance

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Someone please help me…
A humble request… Please do…

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@abcdefgh3 again, it is incorrect in English to put a space before punctuation marks (.,!?).

I would definitely use a word other than “fallacious.” “Fallacious” means logically incorrect, such as:
“A square is a rectangle. Bob’s argument that a non-square shape is not a rectangle is fallacious.”

The modifier “throughout history and life” is positioned rather awkwardly.

“Jeopardize/jeopardise” is a transitive verb here, and the object should be the thing that is under risk. I might change “jeopardised” to “risked,” or revise that sentence.

So how does this make the world better?

Capitalize “Luther” and “King.” Technically, he is known as Martin Luther King Jr., as his father is also named Martin Luther King (Sr.).

“Boycott of X” seems incorrect. “Boycott against X” might be preferred here.

Supreme Court should be capitalized.

I would hope this is true! However the US is far from perfect, and there are still racial problems plaguing America.

Just a suggestion, but you could perhaps mention how many of these technological ideas weren’t available 50 or 100 years ago.

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Just wondering, is English your first (or second) language?

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second language…!

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MITer94 thank u so much for correcting my mistakes
I used this fallacious and pervasive sentence because in this very college confidential someone posted his/her essay who got a 12…and I read it on the internet that it can be boycott of also…

In the June SAT I got an 8 for my essay… So will 8 be considered my essay score even if I get less than 8…?
How do I improve my essays…?
Not able to improve them…I need your suggestions…
Thanx in advance

15

Okay, I think you’re right about “boycott of.”

I’m still not sure about your usage of the word “fallacious.” I could give many examples where the world is changing for the worse (then again, one could do the same with the other poster’s essay). Generally speaking, I don’t call someone’s argument fallacious unless I know it’s wrong and I’m right. Others might have differing opinions.

The sentence containing “pervasive” is fine, but (should’ve suggested this earlier) I feel your argument might be slightly stronger if your second example is something unrelated to the civil rights movement, in order to provide breadth.

I see you also partly copied some sentences/phrases from the other CC essay, which I don’t think is necessarily bad, but make sure you know what you’re doing.

This should be thrown out there, but I didn’t do particularly well on the essay (scored an 8, but did well on the rest of the writing). I don’t actually think the SAT essay is a good measure of writing ability, as the short time constraint makes it really difficult to revise.

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Yeah I completely agree with you…please answer my question which I asked you above…
In the SAT the best score is considered… So,is this the case with essay too?
Thanx in advance

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This is not always the case; many schools superscore or allow you to submit scores of your choice, but some require you send all scores.

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Ohkay…
Thanx

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topic-is it important to question the ideas and decisions of people in positions of authority?

In a democracy,the people in positions of authority are accountable to the people . However,in communism the leaders are not answerable to the people . They do whatever they feel like. Though not unanimously not agreed upon by everyone,it is essential to question the ideas and decisions of people in positions of authority . This concept can be exemplified through the examples of american evolution,the killing of an unarmed teenager and my personal experience.

The monumental american revolution is a premier example to prove my point. The colonial americans were rules by the British americans and severely lacked fair representatives. In 1770s, the stamp act, a tax levied on letters, cards and other forms of paper was passed without american’s consent. This was the time when americans realised how partisan the British government was. In response to this act, in 1776, the leaders of America drafted the declaration of independence stating the reasons why American should be a sovereign country. And today America is a world power in it’s own right. Had people not questioned, America would not be known as the greatest power.

just like colonial americans,the people of ferguson questioned the ideas and decisions in positions of authority. the killing of a 14 year old teenager took place in a district of ferguson,Missouri. Darren wilson,a white police officer shot an unarmed brown teenager from a distance.This is not sure whether the boy was surrendering or threatening the officer.people of the town protested wildly against the rights of the officers.this issue led to a lot of controversy. After these protests, the policemen will be more wary about their rights and they’ll think twice before shooting any person.
Constant questioning of the authority should take place. Public should take a stance on each and every topic. If an issue is taken laxly people will carry on the malfeasances.

We have always been taught that we should respect our elders and never back answer them. We have been always been told that elders are correct for myriad of reasons. I, along with my friend went to a tuition. The teacher was considered an erudite, no one dared to question him on his teaching skills and abilities. One day he told the class that zero is an even number and is positive. The entire class obviously hurriedly noted down the point and marked it as important. Upon listening to this I was appalled and then I corrected him saying that zero is neither positive nor negative. He glowered at me but my pals appreciated me. A gaffe of the teacher would have forestalled the students to get a high score.

The evidence supporting this fact has been pervasive throughout history, literature and life. To reiterate, it is important to question the ideas and decisions of people in positions of authority.
Please check my essay.I have not timed myself…are the examples fine? please ignore the capital letter mistakes.
thanx in advance…please do check…