Can you please rate my essay?

Test Preparation
1

<p>I really want to improve my writing score, so I'm starting with the essay. I'm wondering if the ones I write are good enough for a 10 or 11. Thanks!</p>

<p>TOPIC
"That which we obtain too easily, we esteem too lightly. It is dearness only which gives everything its value."</p>

<p>-Thomas Paine</p>

<p>Assignment:
Do we value only what we struggle for? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.</p>

<p>ESSAY
If I got a thousand dollars for free, I would spend it as fast as I could. However, if I worked hard for those thousand bucks, I would budget it carefully and save a large percent of it. This pattern repeats frequently throughout history, decisions, and in everything we do. Do we value what we work for and take all others for granted? People hold objects which they worked for in higher value because they have lost much to earn it and because it improves their lives in some way.</p>

<p>To begin with, a goal is much more important when something or someone is lost to reach it. For example, the American Revolution was a bloody time when Americans fought for freedom against Britain. Millions of soldiers and even hundreds of innocent citizens were killed to help a country reach their goal: freedom. These losses were one of the major things that provided armies to march into battle every day. These days, kids scoff at the idea of patriots ‘worshipping’ any idol of freedom, but back then, the lives of many were lost. Therefore, the freedom that we take for granted today was more precious to colonial Americans than all the money and jewels in the world. Struggling for goals and objects and losing some things along the way make that goal or object much more important.</p>

<p>Second of all, a goal that improves one’s life is valued highly. For instance, African American discrimination in the 1900’s was a huge issue. Martin Luther King and many other leaders struggled to earn rights for blacks. The marches, boycotts, and strikes eventually paid off, resulting in a non-segregated America. Blacks were granted the right to vote, free speech, jury and trial, free press, and much more. Whites at the time watched in amazement at the black’s happiness, partying, and cheering. Since the whites never experienced a lack of these rights, they never experienced life without them. On the other hand, blacks had experienced this and enjoyed their ‘equal, but not separate’ life. A goal that helps you or makes you happier is important to you.</p>

<p>Struggle plays a big part in what a person values. Patriots during and after the American Revolution lost many lives, so they valued what we take for granted: freedom. African Americans experienced adversity during segregation, so they valued the rights that made life better for them. After all, the golden, 5-foot tall trophy for free is worth more than the tiny smiley face for hardship.</p>

2

<p>7-8. The examples aren’t specific enough and don’t show that you actually have in depth knowledge about them. “Kids scoff at…worshipping any idol of freedom” sounds fancy but is simply confusing. The second example is weak because of the lack of real evidence and the concluding sentence. The topic isn’t about goals that make you happy, it’s about goals you have to work for. If I were given a million dollars, I’d be happy too.</p>

3

<p>Thank you for the great feedback!</p>

4

<p>I got a ten on my essay. I see many things which would greatly improve this one.You need to have a thesis statement that is explicit and easily found. I could not find your thesis statement. Next you have used simplistic transitions between paragraphs. Don’t ever begin your paragraph with to begin with. They expect more than that out of you. Also please don’t ever begin a sentence in an essay with for example. Furthermore you really need to have at least one counter argument that acknowledges another point of view. This works to show the complexity of you essay. The essay reader will really like that. Finally, when I was completely done with my essay I went back and underlined my thesis statement and counter arguments, this makes it easier for them to grade. I personally would give this essay a five or a six. I really hope that this helps you attain a better score.</p>

5

<p>I think your essay is pretty good (coming from a kid with a 12 essay), but there are definitely things that could be improved. First of all, I think that your examples are too cliche, and used by too many people to really score on the upper ranks of the scores 11-12, but they can definitely still get you a 10. Second, the essay only contains 2 examples, and you only argue one side of the issue. If you were to add a third example which explained an example where something wasn’t struggled to obtain, and therefore, isn’t valued, along with these two examples about how things that are struggled for to obtain, and therefore are valued more, it would add much to the overall persuasiveness of the essay. Also, you need a higher range of vocab in the essay (but that’s just a minor thing).</p>

<p>Some other advice about how to improve is to include a really good thesis explaining exactly what you will be talking about. Your opening does not really have a clear thesis, and you just kind of go right into your examples, and also, as stated above, you must work on your transitions. The ones you use in this essay are a little bit elementary. </p>

<p>Finally, if you are struggling to think of examples in the short time given, try using fake examples. Trust me, it works. That’s what I did, and it really helps. I just used a real event as background, then focused in on something that I could mold to any topic. If you want to see how I actually utilized this tactic, you can see my essay at the bottom of the 10th page of this forum:<a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/409070-sample-sat-12-essays.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/409070-sample-sat-12-essays.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>It’s also good to vary your examples more, with the use of at least one literature example. For example, you used two examples both from american history, so that may make you seem a little bit narrowminded. On the other hand, if you had used one from literature, one from american history, and one from chinese history (as I did in my 12 essay), you seem like a well-rounded, and taught student.</p>

<p>Overall, I would give this essay an 8 or 9.</p>

6

<p>Wow! Thank you so much! This was great advice, and it definitely helped!</p>

7

<p>I’d say 9 and it seems you’ve had a lot of advice so I’ll leave it at that xD</p>

8

<p>Thank you!</p>

9

<p>SAT Online Course Score: 5</p>

10

<p>The online course is quite generous (I’ve taken it).</p>

11

<p>Thank you!</p>