PLEASE GRADE MY SAT ESSAY (give it a score out of 6) thank you!! :)))

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
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<p>Hi! I wrote this today (timed: 25 minutes); I am going to try to write at least one essay everyday for two weeks until october 5th (SAT day!!)
Please give me a score out of 6. (1=bad...6=amazing)
Please give me some feedback (you don't have to though); You can be critical ;) in fact, criticism is welcome! Thanks:)</p>

<p>I got the prompt from: SAT</a> Essay Topics: Practice your essay writing
PROMPT:
"That which we obtain too easily, we esteem too lightly. It is dearness only which gives everything its value."
Thomas Paine
ASSIGNMENT:
Do we value only what we struggle for? Plan your response, and then write an essay to explain your views on this issue. Be sure to support your position with specific points and examples. (You may use personal examples or examples from your reading, observations, or, knowledge of subjects such as history, literature, science.) </p>

<p>Do we value only what we struggle for? Yes, strangely we do! Life is rife with examples supporting this statement. Isn't it strange how something looks often more valuable when it has a higher price? I remember this one time I was hungering after this necklace from H&M. The fact that it cost $15 only made me want it more. One day, H&M had a "buy one get one free " sale. Upon hearing the news, I immediately fled to the store to purchase my necklace. After buying a t-shirt, I got the necklace for free! Strangely though, after getting if for free, I realized that the necklace no longer looked so valuable; the quality looked bad, and it suddenly looked cheap! After all, the store give it to me for free! I remember mentally saying, Julia, what are you talking about? This is still the same necklace that you have been wanting for weeks! Just because you got if for free doesn't make it any different! However, the more I looked at it, the more the necklace lost its sparkle, day by day. Suddenly, I found myself wishing that I had bought if for $15 just so it could look more valuable.</p>

<p>When I was little, my mother never bought me soda, at least never for home. Whenever we went out, I remember begging her for a can of coca-cola. She would make me do all kinds of things, cleaning out the car, talking to her friends, and such, before I could get my small hands around the sweet cool can. The reward always tasted so sweet. Because of this I grew up loving the taste of Coke. </p>

<p>One day, a lifetime later, I'm fifteen. We are at Costco, and my mom decides to buy me and my cousin a whole box of coca-cola. I remember being a little reluctant, "Soda is meant as a prize, not something I can drink anytime!" I tried to argue. My mother just replied that it was more cost effective. "This way you won't have to spend all your money on buying coca-cola when you go out!" She reasoned. With an entire box of soda at home, Coke rapidly lost it's flavor. My mom had "hidden" the Coke, but we both knew all her hiding places so it was an easy task finding her cache. I realized that, without the struggle, coca-cola only really amounted up to its ingredients: sugar and water.</p>

<p>Struggle is the essential ingredient that makes the prize so sweet. Why do we value medals so much? Why do we value PhDs, MAs, BAs? Is if for the shininess? The pleasing shape of the letters? No, it is for what it represents, the struggle, the time and the effort we put in in order to attain those prizes.</p>

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<p>I don’t like my essay:P I feel I can do much better; Please tell me what you think I should do so I can do a better job next time!! Thanks</p>

3

<p>Julia, you are using too much punctuation! Could you tone it down? Thanks!</p>

<p>If you have decided to go with a conversational style that ok, but not so forcefully. I think it works for you in paragraph 2 but it could be a problem elsewhere. </p>

<p>You have a weak opening. So weak it has been subsumed into the first example. Make the opening its own paragraph and you will realize if your thesis hasnt been drawn strongly enough. </p>

<p>I kind of like where you were going in the first example, but where is the “struggle” component? Would list price of $15 be more of a struggle than 50% off? If so you havent made that point. It is more that you are making a point about perceived value to <em>other</em> people- which wasn’t your thesis. </p>

<p>Second example corrects this flaw, as now you had to do tasks to get the Coke. And it is evocatively written. </p>

<p>The next paragraph should be a counter example of the second example, but it becomes kind of confused. Does it matter to the thesis that your mother was trying to avoid buying soda out? that she hid it? that you knew her hiding places? The last sentence does a good job of summarizing the counter example but you took a long time to get there. </p>

<p>The conclusion nicely extends the discussion to other areas, education credentials. However the weakness in your previous examples dont leave you prepared to make the statement you do " it is for what it represents, the struggle, the time and the effort we put in in order to attain those prizes.". It would be great if your argument has progressed to the point where you were in a position to make that statement but I dont think you are. </p>

<p>Example One had no struggle. You valued the object because of other people’s value on it. In the Coke example, there was some struggle, but it seemed like the value came more from the scarcity than the struggle. Once Coke was abundant, it lost its glamor. And note that you dont come close to demonstrating that you valued the Coke (or the necklace) because it was a trophy of your triumph over tribulations. </p>

<p>I think you are a high 3 to a 4. I find the examples a little lacking which would be a 3. You do have a progression of ideas in your argument. I like the counterexample. The strength of argument isnt sufficient for me to say you have proven your conclusion.</p>

<p>Your plan of an essay a day is a good one. Like much of the SAT, the time constraint is an overlooked component. Just being confident in your ability to write quickly will help a lot. Good luck.</p>

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<p>thank you so much argbargy! the criticism was really helpful, in fact, i’m definitely printing your comments so i can have a physical copy. I am going to post my essays everyday on this thread; check back in awhile and see if I’ve improved!:slight_smile: thanks for the feedback</p>

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<p>(crappy 25 min essay; i should have gone more in detail on the examples and not stayed on the generalizations. I also ran out of time in the end) feel free to criticize it haha</p>

<p>October 8th, ESSAY B
ASSIGNMENT: Are people better at making observations, discoveries, and decisions if they remain neutral and impartial? Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experiences, or observations.</p>

<p>MY ESSAY:
The question “are people better at making observations, discoveries and decisions if they remain neutral and impartial” depends on the meaning of “better”. What does “better” mean in this context? Better for the person making the discovery? Better for the general population? Better emotionally? Scientifically? Statistically? Let us translate “better” to “quality” in this context, where we are judging the quality of the observations, discoveries and decisions. </p>

<p>Yes, in that case, neutrality and impartiality DOES factor positively into the quality of observations, discoveries, and decisions.</p>

<p>Take the case of the scientific method. In order to perform a viable experiment (viable in the eyes of the scientific community), the experimenter has to make sure that there are no extraneous variables. One method of the many methods to do this is called the “double-blind procedure”. The double blind procedure makes it so that neither the patient nor the experimenter know who is being given the independent variable (e.g. an experimental drug). This rules out experimenter and user bias, thus ensuring neutrality and impartiality. Thus, by eliminating extraneous variables, the quality of the discovery made from the experiment is higher.</p>

<p>A second example is related to the quality of observations and decisions. In order to ensure neutrality, and impartiality, our psychology teacher grades his tests without looking at the name of the students. That way he is not biased by his expectations of the chosen student. After reading the papers once and giving out a grade, our teacher then shuffles the paper again and then rereads them in order to ensure impartiality. By eliminating his personal biases and expectations that might otherwise cloud judgement, the quality of the teacher’s judgement is improved.</p>

<p>Of course, they are definitely cases where neutrality and impartiality may be detrimental to observations, discoveries and decisions, however, in the majority of cases, quality is improved.</p>

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<p>The first paragraph reads like you are stalling for time. </p>

<p>Rule number one is to pick a position on the prompt and stay with it. You never make use of any of these varying definitions of “better” so what was the point. The conclusion is no place to be considering if impartiality “may be detrimental”- you are supposed to be confident in claiming you have proven your thesis. </p>

<p>The Scientific Method is an ok example for your thesis. But it would have been much stronger if you were more specific in discussing it. Perhaps discuss the development of the Polio vaccine or cancer research. If you dont know details, fill them in. </p>

<p>I dont love the example of your psych teacher. It again suffers from vagueness in the details. And you never demonstrated that the results were “better”. Maybe if there was an anecdote about <em>why</em> the teacher instituted this system (a tearful Indian child approached him with her misgraded paper…).</p>

<p>The conclusion didnt help you- you shouldn’t be discussing the contrary position <em>at all</em> unless you have some way of demonstrating it is limited to a miniscule set of cases. And really what you want to do in the conclusion is is explain why the thesis you have illuminated in the examples should be seen to be universally true. Not just isolated to your examples.</p>

<p>I’d say this effort is a mid 3. I’d like you to try to use at least one scholarly example in an essay. If you are only comfortable in writing in a conversational style its too late to switch up now, but limit your rhetorical questions to one. Dont forget that CB wants to see what you think about the question, not vice versa.</p>