Can you please read my essay?

Applying to College Common and Coalition Application
1

<p>Hi guys, I just joined CC and I need someone to read over my essay and give me their thoughts. Its on the prompt 4 on the common app essays. I'd be really glad if I got help. Thank You in advance for your help. :)</p>

<p>[Start of essay]</p>

<p>Describe a place or environment where you are perfectly content. What do you do or experience there, and why is it meaningful to you?</p>

<p>Being comfortable with a place depends on how that particular place soothes you and makes u feel at home no matter what; you never want to leave because of the kind of bond you have established with it. To be able to achieve such comfort you have to embrace the place and make it yours; a place where you will feel absolutely okay - just like trying to feel comfortable in a chair by sitting in a way which makes you feel okay. If the chair is too hard you add a pillow to soothe your buttocks. Here, you have been able to make the chair what you want it to be and this is exactly how I have embraced my room.
My room is a place where I always want to be, it’s my comfort zone where expressing myself is the most appealing idea. In the 21st century about 90% teenagers in America feel mostly comfortable in their rooms, the privacy rate is high and that’s exactly what every teenager is trying to find. As adolescents, we always want to keep some stuff to ourselves and we feel it’s too personal to share. We therefore keep our private stuff in our rooms, away from everyone else.
In Ghana, where I am from, it is not easy for every child to have his own room. I shared a room with my sister and two cousins at the age of 18. This made privacy a big problem. Hanging out with my friends in my room was almost always impossible because either my sister or one of my cousins rudely interrupted us all the time. Fortunately, when I got to America, my parents gave me my own room. It was the best thing that could happen to me then. I was so happy I now had my own room. It took me less than a week to decorate it to suit me. Hanging out with my friends without being rudely interrupted is now possible and keeping the privacy sign on my door is my favorite thing, I feel grown up and the joy of hearing people knock seeking for permission to get to enter my room is so intriguing.
I love to be in my room a lot. When I'm in my in there, I feel like I'm in my own world and the world around just ceases to matter. The bond my room and I have established over these few months is amazing. Sometimes I don't even know how late it is or what kind of beautiful summer day Chicago has to offer. No matter how much fun I am having outside with my friends and how safe I feel around them, once I'm in my room, I feel safer. It is my safe haven, my territory, my space, and my protection against everything and everyone.
My room will be the first place I would run to in case of any accident, expect a fire or a tornado which would apparently destroy my room and most likely cause me severe injuries or even death. That is how comfortable and safe I feel in my room.</p>

<p>[End of essay]
Thank you once again :D</p>

2

<p>Don’t post your essay so that no one copies it and uses it as his own</p>

3

<p>Thanks Mitcho. I didnt know that happened here. bummer!</p>

4

<p>Next time, just post a thread asking if someone can read your essay and just pm it to them once you’re sure they’re not in the admission process just in case.</p>

<p>A few things I think about your essay (just my opinion here):</p>

<ol>
<li><p>I think a lot of people are going to write about their rooms and that if you can’t really give a special edge to it, you should try to avoid writing about it.</p></li>
<li><p>You keep saying things like “we as teenagers” etc, which I personally think defeats the entire point of the essay itself. What you need to be doing is writing about yourself. Just you. No one else. You need to give colleges a reason to accept you.</p></li>
</ol>

5

<p>Thanks a lot Truust that is really helpful. :slight_smile: Can I pm it to you to read over after I rewrite it?</p>

6

<p>I think you are going about this process backwards. Scrap that first attempt. Start over and brainstorm. Think of a particular experience you’ve had, or a quality of your personality or character, that is for some reason essential to you as an individual. Don’t worry about the prompt at all until you have that topic identified. Make it focused, narrow and specific to you. Once you have that goal in mind, find a way to use any one of the prompts as a loose platform to write about that experience or quality. Don’t focus your efforts on responding to a prompt. You are not being evaluated based on how well you answer a question. Focus on writing about yourself.</p>