Care To Score My Essay From My Practice Test?

<p>I'd be much obliged if ya did.</p>

<p>Scale of 1-6. It was my first time doing it, so it was a little rough. I hope I got my historical info right...</p>

<p>Prompt:
(now that I'm reading it over again, I'm not sure if I followed it exactly. Oh well, thinks like that happen at 2AM)</p>

<p>Existentialist Jean Paul Sartre believed in personal freedom, holding that man is free to "write the script" for his own life: he can blame no one else if his life is a "poor performance." On the other hand, William Blake and others in the Romantic movement felt that the expectations and restraints of society severely limit a person: they believed that schooling, organized religion, and other social institutions imprison a person's mind and spirit.</p>

<p>What is your opinion of the claim that there is no such thing as free choice; to some degree, we are always bound by the rules of society? In an essay, support your position by discussing an example (or example) from literature, the arts, science and technology, history, current events, or your own experience or observation.</p>

<p>Essay-</p>

<p>Life is what you make it. Nobody is going to give you success, but at the same point in time, if you are determined enough, you can overcome all obstacles and achieve your dreams. Rags-to-riches stories are possible, and figures such as business tycoon Cornelius Vanderbilt and first Secretary of the Treasury Alexander Hamilton are prime examples. Vanderbilt, Hamilton, and anyone else who puts their mind to it can overcome their difficulties.</p>

<p>Cornelius "Commodore" Vanderbilt was born into a poor family in the mid-1800s and by 1890, he was one of the richest men in all of America. He capitalized on the transcontinental railroad and secured wealth and security for his family for generations to come. Despite his humble beginnings, Vanderbilt overcame his obstacles and became an extremely successful businessman.</p>

<p>Alexander Hamilton is a prime example of getting the best from life and not letting anything stand in your way. Born into poverty in Latin America, Hamilton used his shrewd mind and keen intellect to rise up from the slums and into the forefront of American politics. He became the first Secretary of the Treasury under Washington and helped establish the First National Bank of the United States. Hamilton's ardor and persistance paid off, as he went from an unknown to one of the most respected politicians in post-revolutionary America.</p>

<p>Vanderbilt and Hamilton are just two of many famous figures to rise from poverty to wealth. Many other non-famous people have also climbed up the ladder of success. These real-world examples prove that no matter what odds you face, you will succeed if you are strong enough.</p>

<p>Oh, and I really hate timed writing...it may be my biggest weakness.</p>

<p>Thanks</p>

<p>I really like your examples, as they show your wide base of knowledge. I'm sure readers will enjoy that more than some vague collection of personal opinions and anecdotes. However, I think you need to put a little more detail into the Vanderbilt paragraph, like how he amassed his great fortune, not just the fact that he did it. </p>

<p>I'd say you're looking at a 5 or a 6.</p>

<p>Thanks, I hope that you are right.</p>

<p>Anyone else care to weigh in?</p>

<p>I didn't know Optimus Prime was Jewish.</p>

<p>and bump</p>

<p>I liked your essay, but it doesn't really answer the question. The question had more to do with freedom and society, not wealth. You focus too much on where people got, and not enough on how they got there...begin poor, what obstacles, being born into a rigid society with certain expectations, how does one, if possible, break away from that.</p>

<p>Both examples had to do with wealth and power....the question was about free choice, you don't discuss the choices these men made</p>

<p>Yeah, that's what I noticed after I wrote it too. I agree with you for sure. If the prompt was something like... "Does the structure of society hold one back from working their way to financial success?" What would you score it then, 1-6?</p>

<p>What is your opinion of the claim that there is no such thing as free choice; to some degree, we are always bound by the rules of society?</p>

<p>I think it is a good essay, but only in the 4-5 range because you focused too much on the second half of the question. If you included a little about each person sayin something like "he could have easily succumbed to the lifestyle he was born into, yet he made the bold choice to gain ground in xxxx and eventually rose to the top. this shows that xxxx."</p>

<p>They really like when you follow the question like a rubric. I know it makes for remedial writing, but that's what will get you the 6.</p>

<p>But anyway, very good essay.</p>