Could you please rate my essay?

Test Preparation
1

<p>Could someone please grade my essay? I really want to know if my examples connect well with the topic and if my essay is too long. Thank you!</p>

<p>TOPIC---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Everybody has some choice. People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don't believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want and, if they can't find them, make them.
Adapted from George Bernard Shaw, “Mrs. Warren's Profession”</p>

<p>Assignment:
Do success and happiness depend on the choices people make rather than on factors beyond their control? Plan and write an essay…</p>

<p>ESSAY----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Do success and happiness depend on the choices people make rather than on factors beyond their control? Greek and Norse mythology feature the Fates and Norms, ancient women who decide the life of millions. However, the lives of people aren’t controlled by an external force, but they are changed as people make decisions. For example, George Washington’s decision to attack the British on Christmas by crossing the Delaware River was his own choice, but it eventually became the turning point of the American Revolution. Bill Gates founded Microsoft by taking a risk, not because nature showered him with talent and money. History and business have shown that success and happiness result from a person’s choices rather than factors beyond their control.</p>

<p>History has shown that a person’s choices lead to the consequences, good or bad, in his or her life. For example, George Washington faced a choice whether to take the British by surprise or battle the next day. His choice to take the British by surprise on Christmas by crossing the Delaware had turned out to be the right as the British suffered huge losses that day while the Patriot’s casualties were few. This eventually became the turning point of the war since the Washington’s army became more encouraged and skillful. External forces did not influence this outcome, but Washington’s choice had consequently resulted in this.</p>

<p>Furthermore, Bill Gates founded Microsoft by taking a risk and many choices rather than relying on luck to get him to where he is today. One of these choices he made, like an entrepreneurs, was to loan large amounts of money, rent an office, and hire employees. These were all his own decisions, and they were all his own risks. Unlike many other entrepreneurs, Gates didn’t rely on fortune to attract customers, but rather set out to make a new program: Microsoft. People use Microsoft everywhere today due to Bill Gate’s choice. Bill Gate commandeered his own life by making choices that influenced other factors, like business.</p>

<p>By making choices, people decide themselves what consequences occur in their lives. George Washington’s decision to surprise the British by crossing the Delaware River saved lives and the war while Bill Gate’s decisions and risks made Microsoft popular and successful. External forces had nothing to do with Washington or Gates. What people call ‘luck’ is really just how you set the stage, and what people call success is what play you decide to show on that stage. Therefore, people shape their own lives by making choices.</p>

2

<p>6/12

  1. don’t start off with the question. The readers know the prompt.
  2. bill gates…talent and money. Slight logical mistake here- are you suggesting that he founded Microsoft despite talent and money? Perhaps try Bill Gates rose in the technology world despite being adopted into an average-earning middle class family.
  3. neither example shows in-depth knowledge about the subject. This is a major problem in many SAT essays.
  4. There are some mistakes with transitions, logic, and grammar through the essay.
  5. The length is about average; however, much of it is restating the main ideas rather than developing them.</p>
3

<p>9/12
the essay itself sucks, but it’s pertty dang long. CB only spends 30 sec grading each essay, so you’ll still get a decent/above average score by writing a long essay.
IMPROVE THE INTRODUCTION</p>

4

<p>5-6/12
-The introduction really only needs to be about 2-3 sentences. You should get to the point, with a clear, easily identifiable thesis, and around a sentence that says something along the lines of “Examples from history, literature…prove that…”
-A lot of what you’re writing is blatantly obvious. These sentences do nothing for your essay.

This is unnecessary. When does a choice not lead to a consequence?

Superfluous as well.
-None of the three examples are all that well developed. You should pick two examples and go more in-depth. CB grades mostly on length+content, so focus on writing longer and really putting the bulk of your essay in the examples.
-I agree with sg12909 that there are mistakes with the logical flow of this essay. Grammar is okay though.</p>

5

<p>Thanks for all the great advice! I hope the essay below is better.</p>

<p>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(SAME TOPIC)
Success and happiness depend on a person’s choices rather than external forces. Several examples from history and literature prove that a person’s decisions influence their contentment.</p>

<p>Through the choices of George Washington, the Patriots won the battle at Trenton which became the turning point of the war and suffered few losses. Washington faced a choice of whether to take the British by surprise or battle hard the next day. His choice to take the British by surprise on Christmas by crossing the Delaware had turned out to be the right as the British suffered huge losses that day while the Patriot’s casualties were few. This eventually became the turning point of the war since the Washington’s army became more encouraged and more skillful. Due to Washington’s choice rather than luck, the Patriots won the battle and, eventually, the war.</p>

<p>In the novel David Copperfield by Charles Dickens, David had to make many choices that decided the rest of his life. One of these is to walk from London to Dover in search of his eccentric aunt who had rejected him at birth. This risk was caused by David’s determination and choice rather than an external force. David’s aunt adopted him in a way, and David became happier and more successful there. Additionally, David also made the choice to stay with his aunt rather than his legal father, Murdstone. By doing this, David was treated under the kind way of his aunt rather than the cruel hand of Murdstone. Futhermore, his decision led to David’s stable job with Mr. Spenlow, which gained David wealth and a position in society. . Hence, David’s risky choices lead to his contentment and benefit.</p>

<p>By making choices, people decide themselves what consequences occur in their lives. George Washington’s decision to surprise the British by crossing the Delaware River saved lives and the war, and David Copperfield made many decisions that lead to a successful job and a happy life. Washington and Copperfield didn’t rely on luck but one choices, which made all the difference. What people call ‘luck’ is really just how one sets the stage, and what people call success is what play one decides to show on that stage. Therefore, people shape their own lives by making choices.</p>