Carnegie Mellon Supplemental Essay

College Essays
1

<p>This is still in its early days of development, but I've decided to apply for early decision, so its now due November. Could anybody provide some input?</p>

<p>Why Carnegie Mellon?</p>

<pre><code>From the moment I set foot on campus and began my first visit to Carnegie Mellon, I knew that I was standing on the hallowed grounds of my dream school. No school spoke to me quite as much as CMU did, and no school got me quite as excited to jump from my safe comfortable nest of a home and into the independence-fueled world of attending a university.

Primarily, I want to attend CMU and expand my mind through either the Institute of Technology or through the School of Computer Science. I plan to major in either computer science or computer engineering because technology invigorates me, and I want to spend the rest of my life creating the latest innovations for the rest of the world. I’ve been passionate about technology since my youthful days of disassembling computers and rebuilding them for the sole purpose of seeing what’s inside. A degree from CMU is an amazing accomplishment which will help me to find my place post-graduation, and I know that the academics at CMU are going to give me the best educational opportunity.

Additionally, as a student who has always balanced her studies between the arts and the sciences, CMU fills me with feelings of comfort and belonging. During my second visit, which, unlike my first visit, took place while classes were in session, I walked along the campus buzzing with music from students practicing. I could see that this was a place where, though I have decided to further my studies into the world of engineering, I will always be surrounded by the passion of the arts. The Pausch Memorial Bridge symbolizes exactly how I feel, and to what I've dedicated my high school career. I'm just as thrilled by performing arts, as my eleven years in choir and my twelve years in theatre show, as I am to technology. Though I have no plans to continue studying music or theatre, I want to be surrounded by it as much as possible.

Furthermore, the vitality of CMU’s community appeals to me. I was thrilled by the diversity of the student body and the people who were just as passionate about their respective fields of study as I am about technology. The unique assortment of traditions, such as The Fence and Spring Carnival, demonstrated to me that Carnegie Mellon is not just academically incredible; it is also a community that bonds through these traditions.

There is a place for every kind of person at CMU. The student body is that of a school that accepts all kinds of personalities. I am a woman going into a completely male dominated field, but upon visiting CMU, I have no fear that my gender will impede my opportunities. As a feminist, this is an incredibly important factor in choosing a school.

I am a technophile, and can see that attending Carnegie Mellon means that I will be surrounded with like-minded people. In my high school, I single-handedly began a Technology club for students as passionate about technology as I am. I am invigorated from being surrounded by people of a similar mindset for even one hour after school once a week. The CMU community is an amplification of that feeling which I must be a part of.

Three factors went into my decision to apply to CMU: the incredible academic opportunity that lies within the hallowed halls, my love for the fine arts and science, and the atmosphere, community, and traditions of the school. I had always dreamt of attending Carnegie Mellon based on what I’d heard about the incredible academics, but after two visits and an interview with an admissions counselor who was also an alumnus, I am sure that no school suites my personality and need for stimulating academic rigor than Carnegie Mellon.
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2

<p>Bumping because I need to submit this asap…</p>

3

<p>Sorry if I’m rude, the essay is good overall, but you need to get this done so I’ll get to the point</p>

<p>Paragraph 1: Don’t use hallowed. It is a horrible use of the word.
From the moment you set foot on campus? Really…? You have to be more specific, what did you see first?<br>
At the beginning of P2,3,4, you use “primarily, additionally…” It looks awkward. </p>

<p>Paragraph 2: Expand your mind? Sounds really weird. And you are doing it through a school? Also grammatically wrong. You are doing it through ENROLLING at…
-“Because technology invigorates me” Tell me why! I’m not convinced.
-“I want to spend the rest of my life creating the latest innovations for the rest of the world” You need to be realistic. What are you going to bring to the college. If you are just going to claim you are the next steve jobs, they aren’t going to see that as a significant possibility.
-“find my place” -awkward
-About your computer building… I am convinced you were interested in computers, but what will you bring to the school today? Where do you see yourself fitting in?
-“youthful days of…” -replace of with when I assembled…
-Best educational opportunity? I want to know why. You haven’t convinced me you know about this school. Tell me about classes? SOMETHING.</p>

<p>3rd paragraph:
-Commas get entangled, you aren’t impressing me with complicated comma inception. Admissions like the structure nice and simple, yet powerful.
-Why make the distinction between the two visits? Just talk about your second visit; the admission officers don’t care about the differences between visits.
-You just said technology makes you super happy and all, but now you are talking about music. Confused.
-“The Pausch Memorial Bridge symbolizes exactly how I feel, and to what I’ve dedicated my high school career.” Doesn’t make sense how a bridge represents your education. Either be confident that they understand, explain it more, or ditch it.
-“I’m just as thrilled by performing arts, as my eleven years in choir and my twelve years in theatre show, as I” You use as twice in one sentence… that can’t be good. Why such long sentences within commas?
-You dedicate a whole paragraph to music that you like to listen. This either needs to be condensed or relate back to you. How will you fit in with the musicians? Do you like performing on the street? Do you do anything? Liking music isn’t worth being your biggest paragraph. They want to know about YOU.</p>

<p>4th Paragraph:
-You were thrilled about the diversity? Either you have a diversity fetish or you are over exaggerating. Either way, it is weird. Tone down the strength of thrilled.
-Who did you meet? This could be a generic paragraph right now. Every school has these events. Point out a person you met, something you saw. It is just too unspecific right now. You could replace CMU with Northwestern and I would have been convinced it were true too. </p>

<p>5th:
-This honestly starts sounding like generic BS right now. You need specific situations or examples. Saying that they don’t surpress women doesn’t show you know anything about the school. Did you see a computer engineering group or housing system? My response again is you could replace CMU with northwestern and you wouldn’t have to change anything else.</p>

<p>6th:
-You just stated you are a technophile, yet I am still not convinced. No matter how many different ways you state it, I am going to need evidence and what YOU will bring to the college.
-Now you are getting somewhere, but you never make the connection on how you can bring this skill set to CMU and not any other school.
-You use invigorated again. Stop using that word.
-Amplification of a feeling you must experience? Sounds incredibly awkward and a poor use of the word amplification.</p>

<p>7th:
-Bland beginning to your conclusion. You couldn’t get more lazy than just listing off the reasons blatantly. Rather take this opportunity to relate it back to you.
-“I had always dr…” Should be have.
-Arrrgh stop repeating these misplaced words… “hallowed”. CMU IS NOT A HOLY GROUND! Do you think that an admission officer will accept you if you call their grounds hallowed? Maybe they won’t deny you, but it isn’t like that word adds to your essay.
-Why do you need to mention that the admission officer is an alumni? Seems like random information that doesn’t change the quality of your essay. Also mention their name. Colleges love names.
-Still not convinced with why Carnegie Mellon is right for you.</p>

<p>General comments in next post.</p>

4

<p>Again, your essay is fine and don’t panic if it is already submitted. However, if you have the chance to fix it, take advantage of it. Here are my general comments:
-You should attend CMU because it has: Strong academics, diversity, passionate students, and music. The only thing you provided evidence for is music, which is the least important on that list in my opinion. You need to provide examples because right now, Stanford also has strong academics, diversity, passionate students, and music. Do they have a specific program or a spot on campus you liked? Do they have any clubs that you like? Do they have a professor who is well known in computer science that you would like to work with? What did you talk to the admission officer about? These are the things that prove to me that you know the school.
-Your word choice is odd at points. I commented on all of the weird words that I noticed so I wouldn’t worry about me being too lazy to point all of them out. If you don’t use it once a week, get rid of the word.</p>

<p>-Your essay’s structure seems stereotypical right now. You start with walking on campus, then give three reasons, and then list why you want to get there blatantly in the last paragraph. You need to be more subtle. You should never start an essay at the beginning of the story because they have read well over 1000 essays with the exact same beginning, and you will get an automatic eye roll.</p>

<p>Good luck pal!</p>

5

<p>Your essay is basically well written, but sounds too much like CM’s own promo literature. Focus more on why your qualities are suited to CM. Emphasize your passion for the arts and feminism… how old you were ‘in your youthful days’ when you first began dissassemling computers… Weave in, and actually explain, how the bridge symbolizes how you feel and what attracts you about the Carnival and other CM traditions…</p>

<p>I agree with walrus’s detailed comments generally, and especially those about your word choices (invigorates, hallowed…) and generic statements.</p>

<p>Best of luck!!</p>

6

<p>I just redid this, but it might be just as bad as the first one cause its three in the morning and I’m having the hardest time writing this. I started it at like ten. Every time I write something I hate it and have to do it again. I don’t know why this is so difficult for me:/</p>

<hr>

<p>Heres the prompt, too: Please submit a one-page, single-spaced essay that explains why you have chosen Carnegie Mellon and your particular major(s), department(s) or program(s). This essay should include the reasons why you’ve chosen the major(s), any goals or relevant work plans and any other information you would like us to know. If you are applying to more than one college or program, please mention each college or program you are applying to. Because our admission committees review applicants by college and programs, your essay can impact our final decision. Please do not exceed one page for this essay.</p>

<hr>

<p>From the moment I set foot on campus and began my first visit to Carnegie Mellon, I felt at home. The atmosphere of the campus is extremely welcoming, and I felt more like I belonged here than at any other school I had visited. Upon further exploration, I discovered that the students are dedicated, the academics are rigorous, and the campus is equipped with the best materials to support a solid education. It was not until my interview with Justin Mohney, an alumni, that I became sure that I wanted to be a Tartan. He explained to me that one of the most valuable things attending CMU exposed him to was the different types of people he met. After hearing more about his amazing experience, I knew that this was the place I wanted to be. </p>

<p>After two visits and an interview with an admissions officer, it is clear to me that CMU is the school that suits my personality the best. I am a student who has always balanced her studies between the arts and the sciences. For example, I’ve been in dozens of theatrical productions, and I’ve spent countless hours learning different programming languages. I’ve taken many years of both choir classes and computer classes, and thoroughly enjoyed them both. During my interview, Justin Mohney shared some of his favorite things about his experience at CMU. Even though he was an architecture major, he was still exposed to theatre and music. Keeping art in my life is very important to me. During my visit, I walked along the campus buzzing with melodious notes from practicing students and across the Pausch Memorial Bridge metaphorically and physically connecting art to computer science. I could see that this was a place where I could always be surrounded by the passion of the arts while still obtaining a degree in a scientific field. </p>

<p>Furthermore, the vitality of CMU’s community appeals to me. The student body is diverse, and the people are just as passionate about certain causes, traditions, and extracurriculars as they are about their studies. I was inspired by a group of male students walking across campus in high heels to promote awareness of sexual violence. These young men were so devoted to this cause that they literally walked a mile in female shoes. I was also amused to learn about the buggy races at Spring Carnival, a very interesting tradition on campus. Learning about the unique assortment of traditions and seeing the passion of the students demonstrated to me that Carnegie Mellon is not just academically incredible; it is also a community that bonds through these traditions. </p>

<p>I want to attend either the Institute of Technology or the School of Computer Science in order to major in either computer engineering or science. I love technology, and I want to spend the rest of my life immersed in the world of innovations. I’ve been interested in the way that computers run since my youthful days, as early as age four, of disassembling computers and rebuilding them for the sole purpose of examining the parts. As I grew older and my knowledge of the inner workings of the home computer expanded, I became the resident IT girl for my friends and family. I would get calls to come fix problems that seemed so simple to me, but that they simply could not understand. I’ve always had a knack for understanding technical things, and I’ve always enjoyed taking advantage of this. While I am not positive of what career I want in the future, I know that I want it to be in the technology field. I plan to either be a software or hardware engineer. One dream of mine has always been to graduate and work for a company called Valve, which has created some of my all time favorite videogame titles. With a degree from CMU, that dream could become a reality. </p>

<p>The academics and extracurriculars at CMU are going to give me the best educational opportunity. I spoke with a student on campus who was a member of the Computer Club on campus, a group dedicated to exactly what it sounds like: computers. In my high school, I single-handedly began a Technology club for students as passionate about technology as I am. I love the time that I spend in the technology club, and CMU offers an experience very similar that I would be thrilled to be a part of. I talked with that same student about his experience in the engineering program, and he shared information about the types of programs he’d written as well as a robot that he created. Carnegie Mellon provided him with the education and the means of doing amazing things such as this, and he had a blast doing it. In order to receive a great education in the field of either computer engineering or science, it would greatly behoove me to attend a school as prestigious as CMU. </p>

<p>Carnegie Mellon is my first choice of universities because of all of the amazing things I witnessed upon visiting. I was happily welcomed by staff and student alike. I learned about traditions that I want to take part in. I met similarly technologically inclined students devoting themselves to the field of study which I love, and I met other students making the most of their extracurricular college experience. I spoke to students and alumni about why they loved attending CMU. I examined classroom resources which I would love to take advantage of. I am sure that no school suites my personality and need for stimulating academic rigor than Carnegie Mellon.</p>

7

<p>Also this is due wednesday so any more feedback would be appreciated asap.</p>