So my kid got rejected from ED. We knew there was a risk, but the rejection really stings as opposed to being deferred. I honestly don’t know how to look him in the eye. He did everything we asked and sacrificed weekends, nights and summers. All the while we were saying the hard work will pay off just hang in there. Given what we are seeing I really don’t think he has a shot at a top 20 school as part of RD. I have no idea on what they saw wrong in his application. Straight A’s. Low 1500s SAT. President on multiple ECs. Summer Internships. Significant leadership in community work.
I really just need advice on how to deal with my kid. If I was him I wouldn’t listen to a single thing I ask him to do going forward. Why would he?
Good lord, get a grip! (said kindly). It is very disappointing, of course, but with a little bit of hindsight you (and your son) will come to see that being rejected from an ED school is No Big Deal!!
Of course, my perspective is colored by my own experience where I was rejected by every school I applied to but one. And from that one went on to a top 3 law school and a happy and successful life. And it is colored by both my older kids getting rejected from their ED schools too (three for three!) I understood that REACH schools, and surely Cornell is a reach for pretty much everyone, are by definition unlikely admits.
What to do going forward: adjust your attitude asap so your son can take his cue from you. If you go around acting like it is the end of the world it will be hard for him to believe it is not a big deal in the big picture.
That, and focus on schools where he is very likely to be admitted. Naviance is a help here, as of course his guidance counselor. His RD schools should have a mix of reach, match and safety, with especial attention paid to figuring out the safeties where he would thrive and be happy.
As for my kids’ outcome, after being rejected by their ED schools – one was rejected everywhere but 2 schools; he attended his safety, had graduated and is working at a top investment bank, his goal from the beginning. My second kid is a sophomore at another reach school where he was admitted RD. So, while collectively our admissions results were not fabulous, you can see that it has worked out for all three of us. And – it will work out for your son too!
There are SO many great schools, where your son can thrive and succeed!
In terms of communicating with your S, I would focus on the fact that your S’s hard work is for his benefit…do not tie his efforts to getting in to one particular college or level of college (or believing that he deserves to get in to a T20).
If your S is unhooked, all highly selective colleges should be categorized as reaches…there are many good applicants and the overall level of competitiveness, coupled with colleges needing to build a class that includes students from many categories, mean it’s difficult to gain admission…no matter the application round.
Work with his GC to discuss if an ED2 application could make sense. Your GC might also reach out to the ED1 school to garner any feedback that might be helpful.
Does your S have any acceptances yet? Make sure that his college list includes 3-5 matches and at least one affordable safety.
@cinnamon1212
I don’t view this as the end of the world and spent quit a bit of time talking to my kid that there was a risk and this doesn’t define who you are.
We do have several acceptances at safety schools, but now it’s an ego thing with him. I have said he will be perfectly fine at those schools.
Where I need help is on how to handle the conversations going forward. While my kid had always said these are the schools he wanted to go to, we had to push him and said these highly selective programs require significant effort and a clear plan. I don’t think he took the subject test seriously.
I think a sit down with the GC might be in order. S/he might be able to get information on how to improve his applications. Also, the GC should make sure there was no mistake in his file. I think it’s unusual that someone with his stats was outright denied. I don’t think his chances for acceptance were good—Cornell is highly selective and there simply are not enough seats for all very qualified studebts, but in my experience, someone like your son would have been deferred. It is possible they changed the process and rejected more students outright this year, or got way more applications than last year. I have not checked for those numbers.
How does he do in interviews? My one son brilliant but eccentric, I discouraged interviews. He talked his way out of things he should have gotten numerous times, so I knew that college interviews for him were not going to be a plus. They don’t tend to have much upside in admissions anyways, but, yes , for schools looking for anything to cull, they can tank a candidate.
Any way you can ask the GC if he should get different LORs? Some teachers do not do a good job in those. Some actually bad. I have so many kids , I knew who the stinkers were at my youngest kids’ school and unfortunately needed something from one of them for an award and he bumbled it. Be tactful in talking to the GC, and talk to him/her privately as well as with your son. Some things I don’t think the kid needs to hear and a GC will not be as forthright when kid is in earshot.
Its important to know that some major gaffe is not following him in the admissions process. Short of that, not much else you or he can do with the rest of the applications. Does he have some good safety schools on his list? Did he get any early admissions with that denial?
I’m sorry about this. My son’s best friend was outright denied ED at Columbia, and that hurt. He ended up at NYU and loved it. Cornell not the be all to end all. But for now it’s going to hurt. And hurt you too. Hugs.
Most of the applicants at highly selective schools put in significant effort and had a clear plan…and most do not get accepted, especially those without a hook (URM, first gen, legacy, recruited athlete).
Again focus on the fact that your S is the beneficiary of all his hard work and effort…and this is true no matter where he goes to college.
It is extremely unlikely that your S’s subject test scores were the reason for the denial.
The fact that he was rejected from a top school does not mean that his hard work won’t pay off. I also agree with comment #1 that the parent’s attitude (can’t look their child in the eye -really?) is a bit over the top. At many of these schools, the deferred kids are not going to get in.
“All the while we were saying the hard work will pay off just hang in there”
If by “pay off” you mean you told him that it was going to result in an acceptance to a school like Cornell , that was your mistake right there. But nothing you can do about that now. You and your son need to put Cornell in the rear view mirror and focus on the applications yet to be submitted - and that includes applications to match and safety schools. While he is not destined for Cornell, with his stats, your son should have some excellent options when all is said and done.
Subject tests can matter at Cornell. I believe they are required. In fact, my son who was a border line admit to Cornell had high subject tests as a big plus , something his very experienced GC outright said. So did our neighborhood Cornell alum liaison who is very active in all things Cornell including admissions.
If the subject tests are a drag, and if possible , make sure they do not go to other schools in the list. My youngest had not finalized his RD list at this point , and subject tests were a reason We dropped Cornell from the mix.
How to deal with the young man is something so dependent on you, him and your relationship that I can’t even begin to give advice. My kids are all so different that dealing with them in these things differed drastically.
I’m sorry your S is feeling down. A rejection can sting, especially at this time of year. But I actually think a rejection is kinder than a deferral. At most schools a deferral turns into a WL or rejection later. Better to know now, mourn a bit and move on. That being said, there are many wonderful, highly qualified, high stats kids who get an early rejection and then go on to get acceptances at top schools in the RD round. Colleges are looking for specific things. Just because Cornell didn’t want what your S has to offer, does not mean other schools will view him the same. Chin up.
your son needs to understand how much luck and randomness there is in this system- there are too many qualified kids for these spots.
that said, I agree with asking guidance counselor to review his LOR’s and make sure they were strong enough. Our daughter is more of a science kid but we didn’t really feel her AP Bio teacher was savvy enough to write a great letter so we got her letters from AP Lang and AP Gov teachers, who seemed more dynamic and we knew could really express themselves.
with his stats I am also surprised at a flat rejection. but he will have amazing choices in the 2nd of “2nd” tier schools. Think Emory, Tufts, Michigan, Colgate…and who knows, he might have a shot at even Penn or Vanderbilt. What’s he like so much about Cornell and what is he looking for?
There is no dream school, there is no dream job, there is no dream spouse, there is no dream house.
This is an important lesson to impart to your kid as he leaves childhood behind and heads off to his adult life. The dream job involves M-Th travel and 80 hours of work a week. The dream spouse is gorgeous and successful and brilliant and fun- but the parents are a nightmare and expect to be invited for every holiday and minor celebration. The dream house is elegant and beautiful and in a great school district but sits on top of a Superfund site and you can’t drink the water that comes out of the tap,
This is called being a grownup- learning about trade-offs. Every situation in life involves navigating the trade-offs, which is why healthy grownups do not fixate on “the dream”.
Take your son out for his favorite flavor of icecream and give him 24 hours to mourn, and then go get excited about his other options. Cornell is great- but Ithaca is freezing cold and remote and hard to get to. It is not a reflection on him that he was rejected- it is a reflection of a brutally competitive process which is now global.
Are there other schools on his list where he is likely to be admitted that you can help him get enthusiastic about? Kids who love Cornell often love Colgate, Bates, Bowdoin, Hamilton, U Vermont? There is still time to bulk up his application list if it’s filled with other uber-competitive schools…
And I agree that a talk with the guidance counselor is in order. Just to make sure there are no screw ups on the application front…
OP - I’m going to repeat much of what has already been said but I really want you and your S to hear this.
College rejections say NOTHING about your child’s hard work and success in HS, nor do they predict future success! Please, please believe us when we say the pay off to hard work in HS should never be equated to college admissions. They are simply way too unpredictable.
We as parents have no idea what the adcoms are needing to balance their class. Your child could have had perfect scores and still have been rejected. You could be from an over represented geographical area, for an over represented intended major, etc…Things that students have zero control over.
What can you do now? Narrow in on what was it about Cornell that your student loved. Was it location? Size? Something specific about the major? Student vibe? As a Cornell alum myself, I can honestly tell you that Cornell is not so unique that you can’t find similar schools. Apply to those schools, be sure that there are true safety and matches on the list, and keep telling yourself and your S that where you go to school doesn’t matter, it’s what you make of where you are.
T20 should NEVER be a goal. That said, whose T20? USNWR? T20 for your S’s intended major? T20 for universities, LACs, regional schools?
For other parents who have yet to go through the process, please, please, please give your kids the message from early on that a reach school is just that. A reach. A long shot. A most likely rejection. Manage the expectations - theirs and yours.
D20 applied to a couple of big reaches - high stat applicants, minuscule acceptance rates, she was unhooked and needed financial aid. We worked hard to help her find match and safety schools where she felt she could have an equally rewarding experience without the brand name. Out mantra during the whole process was “you are doing everything you can and if you get in, fantastic, but if you don’t, it was a crapshoot all along and you did everything right but it’s time to focus on the other great options”. I know the worst part was her thinking she let us down but we consistently reinforced that wasn’t the case.
PS. I’m also in the camp that a rejection now is better than stringing an applicant along. My D had a school that deferred her from EA and then on the last possible day of decisions (they did rolling), she was wait listed. Would have been easier for her to just know they were off the table at the onset.
Some colleges at Cornell do reject a number of ED applicants. It’s not unusual.
I also agree that deferrals in many situations are not good news for some students. I’ve seen kids hang onto college deferrals, just not able to move in as long as that hope of acceptance was there , when the chances were so minuscule that it was a waste of time obsessing over it. Ripping that band aid off hurts a lot, but then one can move on.
The good thing about a deferral is that it is likely that all was in order with the application. With a flat out ED rejection, I do have a concern something might not be right. That’s why I’d ask the GC to look over the app and make sure no red flags and maybe get feedback from Cornell. Once that is established, student really can move on and hopefully get that it was better not to be dragged to the end when the chances were abysmal.
I know several miserable families Right now, miserable because they are all focused on a top school deferral that is likely going to be a reject and energy and attention should be on the viable choices. I’ve known kids who hung on to deferred and wait list status to the bitter end and could not focus on any other schools. Several admit to this day, it hurt them terribly, still does, getting over it did not happen.
I am sorry and empathize that this is a major disappointment.
I agree with cptofthehouse in post #4 that, "Its important to know that some major gaffe is not following him in the admissions process. Short of that, not much else you or he can do with the rest of the applications. "
If you are aiming to guide him to apply to the top20s in RD, then the motivation has to come directly and all from him, to increase the likelihood of success.
Assuming that he will still go ahead with applications in RD round , then about the only relevant parameter that is still within his control is his essays. Do they inform others about his characters and traits (resilience, empathy, integrity…etc) that the schools are looking for? I am of the opinion that in the essays, applicants (not your son, specifically) often convey inflated views of their activities, rather than assessing what they have learned and how they have benefited from these activities.
Given your son’s high stats, I think this outcome might have derived from events that were predetermined, for example, there might have been an inordinately high number of (equally) qualified applicants from your region and Cornell has only so many seats to fill.