Hi! I realize I’m an 18 year old posting in the parents forum, but I’m not really feeling support from my own parents so I wanted to see some other opinions. Here is my whole college story…
I have two older brothers who both went to school close to home (one commuted, the other lives at school during the week and comes home on the weekends). Before I started looking for colleges to apply to, I had always wanted to go to college far away. When the time came to apply and look, I psyched myself out and originally didn’t apply to any schools further than 3 hours away, and I didn’t find or apply to any schools I really loved because I was limiting myself to “close to home”. Around January when more application deadlines were coming up, I applied to 3 more schools, all further away, just so I had some options. One of the schools I applied to was the college my boyfriend (a freshmen) attends which is 5 hours away. I didn’t really think anything of it, I just kind of applied on the spot because I had gotten a fee waiver, one of my good friends last year had told me I would love the school (before I had even met my boyfriend) and I thought I should try my luck since it’s a really good school and I wanted to see if I could get in!
I have been really anxious about choosing a college to attend since I didn’t love any of my choices. I was going to settle on an okay school close to home that has a good program for what I want to do, but I didn’t love all aspects of it. So a week ago I visited my boyfriend at college for the first time and absolutely fell in love with the school…I genuinely felt like I fit in there, the campus was gorgeous, the area was amazing and inspiring for my area of study, and had an overall great vibe. It was the first time I visited a college and really felt like I fit in there and could see myself walking on campus to class, and felt like I belong; reasons completely unrelated to my boyfriend being there.
I’m really scared of being 5 hours from home and I know my mom is scared too, but I just felt like I belonged there too much not to consider it an option? My dad thinks that I am chasing a boy, my mom wants me closer to home, and I am just really confused! I feel like my heart is telling me to take the leap of faith and try it because I can always transfer if I don’t like it… but what should I do? It’s hard not having your parents total support and I just feel like if I stay at the school closer to home I am going to regret it and feel unfulfilled. I think it’s safe option and in the bad way…
Decision day is coming up and I’m clueless! I need help!
Thank you,
Julia
(Not a parent either, but…) I think you should go for it. Five hours isn’t across-the-country type of distance, and you said you could really see yourself at the school. That’s important. Good luck!!
As a parent, I have no problem with my kid attending a school far away…but I’d have real qualms about my kid choosing a college where the boyfriend is already in residence…so that might be your parents’ issue than the distance…
This is a good question, and the size of the college may affect your answer.
At a very small college, you and your boyfriend could find yourselves in an awkward situation if you broke up. At a large university, it would probably be no different than breaking up with someone who lives in the same city.
You wouldn’t be the first young woman to attend a college where her boyfriend is going. Please know, tho, that all that love for the school you’re feeling is being colored by the wonderful relationship you’re in. Should you actually go to that college, it will be classes and work and learning some independence, much more than a weekend of fun and games and carefree existence. Your boyfriend will see you in a new light in these surroundings when you are there every day. That may or may not be good. Just giving you some food for thought.
Don’t give up who you are for the sake of a guy, terrific as he may be. Do pursue your dreams and take calculated risks. You don’t always have to play it safe. Another thing, tho, is I don’t feel that there is only one ‘best’ college, just like there isn’t only one perfect ‘mate’ for you out there. That’s what makes the choice hard at times. You may find another perfect fit closer to home. That’s part of becoming/being an adult, weighing options, making choices. It’s okay if you don’t always make the right choices for the right reasons, you will still be okay.
In another thread, I mentioned college hunting is similar to HGTVs “House Hunters”. You have a wish list and as you go along, you find there are trade offs. You try to determine the best fit. You might not get all you want. It does sound like you have some reservations being far from home. My son is an hour away in a large city and its worked out very well. He has the best of both worlds, svhool and home. Best wishes to you.
Five hours is not a ridiculous distance, especially if there are busses/trains you can take back home. Some kids fly across the country or go to Europe for college.
I agree that you need to consider if you would be happy and comfortable at the school if you and your BF break up.
Have you done an overnight visit to any of the other schools? It’s fun to go to a school, party, spend time with friends. You may be very happy and have the same fun experience at the closer schools. I think 5 hours is a long distance. Too far for frequent visits home, maybe too close to long extended visits. I don’t think moving 5 hours away should be the first ‘overnight camp’ experience.
My kids are each 2.5 hours away from family, and that’s been really nice. Close enough for a weekend visit, too far for every weekend. They do not have cars, so when they visit it usually involves going to fetch them, and then returning them at the end of the weekend. For the driver, it’s 5 hours round trip.
Personally I think that near or far is fine, but I’m not the one paying for it.
However, as a parent , i do take issue with going to the same college as an already boyfriend. My mom did not me to go to the same college as my year older boyfriend. And I thought I was a good idea, even though I would have liked to do it. You really need to go out in the world on your own and make new friends without using a boyfriend or friend as a safety net.
Also, this was your first college visit. Really you should visit other colleges as well. You may love them also.
I’m sure you’ve already given this some thought, but would you still feel the same about this school if your boyfriend wasn’t there? And what if you break up? Would you continue to love the school just as much? If you can honestly answer yes, then I see no problem going there. 5 hours is not that far away; it’s just slightly farther than the schools that are 2 or 3 hours away.
My son’s school is 6 hours away and my daughter’s is across the country. Many of their friends are at schools within an hour or two from home. And believe it or not, those friends don’t come home much more often than my kids do. After the first semester or so, when you’ve adjusted to living away from home, become involved in your schoolwork and campus activities, and developed some friendships, you’re just too busy being a college student to make a lot of trips home. And that’s exactly how it should be. The only kids that come home a lot are kids who are unhappy at school; and they’re usually unhappy because they haven’t made friends or felt connected to the school; and they haven’t made friends or found their place because they’re always coming home! It’s a vicious circle. I think that for many students, being far enough away that you aren’t tempted to come home at the drop of a hat can make adjusting to college a lot easier, and increase your chances of being happy there.
5 hours is not far. It’s easily drivable within a day or less.
The issue is whether you’d still like the college if your boyfriend weren’t attending…or if you and he were attending, but he’d date someone else.
We’re looking at schools within a 4ish hour drive for my son, but 5 would still be “reasonable” to us.
First question: will you have a car? If so, then that 5 hour drive is less of an issue, since you could still get home if you needed to without having to rely on bus schedules or getting a ride.
Second question: How’s the weather in that part of the country? Would winter storms prove a real obstacle to your getting home if you wanted to?
To be honest, as long as you’ve decided to go away, I wouldn’t let a 5 hour drive keep me from a school I really loved. But, as so many others have warned, make sure it’s the school you love, not the idea of a “happily ever after” with your boyfriend. Know that he’s already made a whole crowd of friends, and that you may or may not fit into that crowd. You’ll want to learn and stretch yourself socially; will you be able to do that in a school where he’s already settled in?
To all who asked, yes, if my boyfriend and I broke up tomorrow, I would still love the school. It wasn’t my first college visit, actually the last, and the only visit I actually felt a connection with!
5 hours makes it harder to come home…not that you should go home every weekend, but it makes it more expensive and inconvenient.
However, if you are trying to make the case for the 5 hour school then don’t mention BF…mention that has the major you want and it has this and that and you like it because this other thing.
I agree with Bopper: To defend your choice of the 5-hour-away college, DO NOT mention your boyfriend at all. Since you’d like the school even if he weren’t there, he’s a nonissue, so don’t make him one (as your parents will certainly focus on him.)
5 hours away isn’t far and college students rarely go home except for breaks, as has been mentioned before.
My D was in school 5 hours away. Always hated the drive after about hour 4 but very doable. Even gone there and back in one day to pick her up for spring break. Also close enough to that there were a good number of local students to get a ride from until she got car. Not entirely practical to come home for just a weekend but she did it for some special events
I would have loved to be at the same school as my boyfriend this year. I have had trouble making friends, and to have someone here from the start who cared about me would have been priceless. Could have saved me many lonely crying sessions.
I hate it when people knock that. If it weren’t for my two high school friends here, I would eat 100% of my meals by myself (instead of 95%). Sometimes not everything works out. Sometimes you need that safety net. Otherwise you fall. And you hit. Hard.
Can you imagine yourself at the school without returning home for months at a time? If so it won’t matter if the school is local or a day’s drive, it will be where you want to be. Is the school a place you find comfortable alone? Then you won’t be dependent on others to enjoy the place.
Okay, so you like the campus. Before deciding this is the ONE consider other factors. Academics are the reason to be there. Do you like the available and required courses in your proposed major? Do you like electives available- the variety and depth? Do you see yourself never running out of interesting courses to take?
Is there an intellectually similar peer group to be with? Is the school liberal enough to allow you to be yourself? Are there some outside your comfort zone aspects you can broaden your horizons with? You do not need to join them but are there groups that make you think about yourself and the way you view the world?
Perfection can get boring. You need a place with diversity you can explore. Remember the weather will change- it could be winter or summer extremes compared to your visit. are you prepared to deal with that? Five hours likely puts you still within your climate zone and culture as well.
Step back and take different views of colleges on your list. No place is perfect, be sure the superficial snapshots of visits don’t cover up the hard core academics you need to reach your ultimate goals.
Finally, sounds like you have a great choice if you feel good there. Five hours is not that far away- easy enough for coming and going in a day by car.