Really? But do you get anything tangible for it, like do you get to be first in line at the neighborhood potluck or barbeque?
We could take it further: How big is their nest egg.
Seriously, I think there are two criteria to evaluate the parents:
- Their offsprings can take care of themselves when the parents can no longer take care of them. (There are exceptional cases due to a bad draw of luck - when this happens, the resources of the whole society should be pooled together to help such parents to take care of such kids.)
- The parents can take care of themselves in their retirement years (except when they are too old and/or too sick.)
I did say “barring other elite private universities” which includes the schools you mentioned.
It was back in the late '80s and 90’s for some neighbors of California relatives who failed to make it into Berkeley and didn’t want to/didn’t apply to UCLA.
Wasn’t too surprising as in the same period, many HS classmates from my NYC public magnet were getting admitted to UMich with B/B- HS GPAs so long as their SATs were respectable.
My d got into Cambridge U and we are very proud and happy for her. We do not, however, consider ourselves responsible or deserving of credit like a “top report card”. All we did was encouraged her, provided opportunities, and then stayed out of her way - the motivation came from within, not from anything we did or paid for.
@singleparent1, I’m not sure about now, but back in the day (2 decades ago), there certainly were CA kids who went to UMich because they couldn’t get in to Cal. There always has been the type you described as well, the our-kid-prefers-the-feel-of-big-state-school-UMich-over-big-state-schools-Cal/UCLA-and-oh-we-can-afford-the-OOS-tuition crowd. More prevalent in SoCal than NoCal, from my experience.
BTW, UNC seems to hold some serious social cachet in NYC and the rest of the East Coast. I’m not so sure about the West Coast. I can’t recall meeting or reading about any Californian who went to UNC, frankly.
Total hijack, but let me tell you about the school magnet on my car.
My 2 older kids attend the local public high school, but don’t get a bus. So I drop them off each day on my way to teach in a local Catholic school. My school has grades 6-12.
Last year, on the way to school each day, we would pass one of the 6th graders from my school, waiting for her bus with her grandfather. I don’t know her, but recognized the uniform. So I waved. Every day. I figured that she had probably seen me in school, and I wave to all our kids when I pass them.
Before long, grandpa was giving me VERY dirty looks. I’m convinced that he thought I was somehow targeting his granddaughter for something nefarious. After all, I was a stranger waving at this 12 year old every day. (Yeah, in a mini van, with 2 teenagers in the car at 7 am.) It became a running joke in my car… "Mom, DON’T WAVE!!! That guy is going to call the cops!!!)
It finally occurred to me to buy a magnet for the back of my car.(We don’t sell bumper stickers.) It proclaims the school’s name. It wasn’t a badge of honor, it was to identify me as less of a threat to this girl.
The dirty looks stopped. (And the girl now says hi to me in the halls, though I still don’t know her. 
OK, back to the subject at hand.
The idea of judging a parent by the college their child attends (or if he attends college at all!) is very odd to me. If I hear that “Jamie” is going to HPYSM or whatever I might think “Jamie is a smart kid”, but I don’t equate that with his/her parents.
@Youdon’tsay wrote, “I am amused and no longer surprised by the reactions I get from people when I tell them where ds2 attends. It’s well-known and seems to impress people.”
That has been my experience, as well. It’s very strange. But I live in a bubble: wealthy county, excellent public schools, and a lot of competitive parents.
Why, after all, did I choose eastcoascrazy as my name? It is crazy around here.
I repeat: it is a CHOICE to compete with other parents. You are not required to hang around them or compare notes.
@Pizzagirl said, “I reapeat: It is a CHOICE to compete with other parente. You are not required to hang outnwith them or compare notes.”
I agree. That isn’t what I am talking about. Nobody needs to hang out or compare notes when every single kid’s college choice is listed in the high school graduation program.
And if someone directly asks me where my kids attend college, in a getting to know you, non-competitive sort of conversation, I simply answer the question. It would be rude or unnecessarily coy not to answer. There is a change that comes over the face of some people at that point.
I don’t need to be competitive to recognize that competitiveness exists around me.
Moreover, the reaction to hearing that other people will judge you based on where your kid goes to school isn’t “well, gosh, it’s really important that I impress those people because they’re just so smart and sophisticated.”
As eastcoast says, you don’t have to play into the competitiveness to see it. You can’t avoid all other parents all the time - they are at school events, sports games, parties, or you run into them in the grocery store. For parents of seniors, it is inevitable that the discussion turns to college. In my middle to upper middle class suburb the very good, but not elite, state flagship is seen as a lesser choice among the better students - evidence that either the kid is a slacker or that the parents are not well off enough to pay for an elite school. There is judgement, at least at first.
Interestingly to me, however, are the parents willing to shell out extra money so their kid can go to a comparable, or even lower ranked, OOS public just to get out of state. So maybe I am judgmental as well!
If you have a smart kid, there is some expectation that they will end up at an elite or at a “just below elite” college. I think it is looked at as a fail on the part of the parent if that doesn’t happen. The exception seems to be that many kids want the big school experience so going to an OOS, with a big sports presence, is very acceptable.
Singleparent1: not sure how much you can really “groom” kids. At some point, it has to come from them. There are kids that are driven and those that are less so. You can force them to sit down with their books, but can you really make them study? Can you make a kid care enough to get As if they are content with Bs? Not sure I have heard the magic formula for that.
I have to agree with this. I am surprised people are surprised. At my kid’s HS, parents were gaming for an award spot in graduation. No big deal award, just a latin award given to about 20% kids. To tone down competitiveness, the school don’t distinguish suma and magna. Parents plan which courses to take to get the right GPA, a designer suit/dress for the award ceremony and exquisite bouquet of flowers to shower their kids with following ceremony. Some clueless parents who showed up at the ceremony empty handed felt downright negligent. Bragging rights are of course holy grail of life.
Personally, I judge parents by how many camels their kid brings in on wedding day.
I think most people are smart enough to realize that kids aren’t puppets and must have personal talent, intelligence, and motivation to achieve to the level required for elite school admission. At the same time, for many top students, that journey did require lots of parental time, financial support and encouragement. It’s natural for parents to be proud that they helped their child do well enough to have good college options. Proud, not arrogant.
Regrettably, there are some parents who have devoted a bit too much personal energy into artificially promoting their kids, such as by doing too many things for them or by getting involved in activities in order to give their kids an edge. Think the dad who coaches the travel team so his kid can play point guard rather than sit the bench, or the mom who directs the community play so her daughter is ensured a good role, or the parent who volunteers to sew band costumes so her kid has a better shot at being chosen drum major, or the parent who writes the student’s entire history class essay for him. This type of “support,” even when done with a greater measure of altruism than calculation, only goes so far.
College admission results carry significant weight for many people because objective outsiders are evaluating Johnny and Susie, and are presumably uninfluenced by whether Johnny’s dad is the chief of police or Susie’s mom is on the school board. These outsiders also claim to be able to tell when the application essay was written by mom and whether the applicant was “packaged.” Admissions decisions are seen, therefore, as a truer measure of the child’s accomplishments. Whether they actually are, is debatable.
Unfortunately I think it’s only natural to see college admissions in this light, because most US colleges fall over themselves to talk about how ‘holistic’ their admissions are, and how they look for character, leadership, and so on. Getting rejected by a place that claims to be doing this can’t help but sting. The colleges are all but saying “these other people raised better children, holistically not just academically, than you did.”
Incidentally I can’t help but think the linked article is being more than a bit provincial in using Waterloo as an example of a non-elite university whose graduates go on to do good things. In the relevant field (computer science), UWO is globally known as an elite university. I think the author has his Made in the USA “nothing outside the US can be truly elite” blinders on.
i will say in defense of this article, I do think folks think this unconsciously, at least. A great kid at our school found he got into MIT on Saturday and there have been lots of high-fives and lots of “you did an amazing job raising that kid” and “you should be proud of all of your hard work paying off!” and “what a kid! We know it took a lot of effort but it all worked out great!” And they’re right…he’s a great kid, his parents were great supporters and helpers, and they raised a kid who thinks for himself and is ready for the world.
But was it the parents or the kid? The parents could have parented in the same way and the kid did not get into MIT. Does that make them lesser parents? Can the parents turn a kid that is smart but laid back and not as focused on grades into a MIT candidate? In most cases, no.
@Mom2and See I agree 100% with that! Nobody is congratulating the parent whose kid got into the community college…the best anyone conjures up is “Good for you! There’s no reason to spend money on those pricey colleges when you can get a great education anywhere!” and then they move on. Meanwhile, this might be the kindest (most important attribute, IMHO) and world-changing kid of the whole group…
I think this is very, very true! Of course part of being a parent is believing that your kid is special. Since we can’t see behind the curtain of “holistic” admissions, there’s no way to know if the kid just isn’t so special or his/her appolication just didn’t succeed in communicating it.