<p>As a parent of a HS junior, I have been perusing some decision threads to get general ideas of the landscape out there. I have two kids in college now, so this is not new terrain to me, but I have been a bit surprised at the level of emotion with denials/waitlist/spring admissions out there. Some of it rising to the level of vitriol, some of it coming from parents. Anger that schools did not accept their kid (who got "likely letters from 3 Ivies"), disdain toward schools that did not accept their kids with merit money etc.<br>
Mind you, these were schools that supposedly the student liked enough to apply to, now suddenly, they aren't worth the paper of the rejection letter, simply because their kid wasn't admitted? </p>
<p>I can understand a teenager being a bit emotional. But isn't it our job as parents to reframe things? And with record number of applications at some of these schools, students really don't need to be racking up acceptances "just because". </p>
<p>College admissions bring out the crazy in a lot of people. A lot of parents don’t understand the admissions process very well, so to them it is mystifying why a kid is accepted at one school and not at another, or why one kid gets merit and another doesn’t. Add in the personal feeling of rejection many parents feel when their kids are rejected, with a dose of competition with other parents at the kid’s school – and don’t forget comments and pressure from family members who know very little about today’s college admissions environment. Stir. Pour into CC.</p>
<p>It’s an important topic to the kids and parents of the kids…decisions that aren’t what was expected are a big deal. They can change your future, like if you get rejected from your safety or something like that. Emotions run high when you’re deciding your future. </p>
<p>I’m not saying I don’t understand the feeling personally. I just don’t get “feeding into it”. My own D got a spring admit to Fordham. She shrugged and said “may be my own fault. We live less than an hour away, and I didn’t even visit”. She had other options, thought she knew enough that she didn’t have to visit. So she took some ownership and moved on. It’s still a school we like, and have encouraged my S took look at. </p>
<p>In my experience…that is, coming from a boarding school “Ivy slash “upper tier” college preparatory” sort of school community, the parents took rejections ALOT worse than the kids. Remember back to some on my son’s friends reactions - most just shrugged them off with a “on to the next” attitude. Some had a brief “Well I really didn’t want to go there anyway” moment before they moved on…and in a rare case, if the kid REALLY had their heart set on a school, they would take what they called a “rejection day” off from school, lick their wounds and come back to school in pretty good form. </p>
<p>The PARENTS on the other hand were often less mature. I know several who demanded immediate meetings with GCs and college advising staff to discuss “what went wrong”. Lots of coffee klatches at Starbucks featuring heated discussions about money spent for college “experts”, special sports teams, music lessons, travels abroad, test prep classes, college visits…and “How did so and so get into such and such and my son/daughter got WAITLISTED!” lol</p>
<p>I think, especially for the tippy top schools, (which is often where the focus is on here at CC) this is the first time folks, kids and children alike, are hearing - from an objective person - that they are not quite as desireable as they’ve been led to believe. It’s the first time anyone has hinted that they are not smart enough, good enough. When saner minds prevail, we all know that college admissions have little to do with “enough” of anything…but in the heat of the moment that resounding “we looked, we considered, we don’t want you” is a bitter pill to swallow. </p>
<p>Some hyper competitive and need to impress the neighbors people put way too much stock in getting into a “top” college. For some, it’s the highest ranking college or bust.</p>
<p>It’s quite sad, really. </p>
<p>Personally, I don’t get it either but I turned down my CC top school for my safety school because it was a better fit. To some on here, that’d be unfathomable (and I’ve gotten attacked for it many times, called stupid and short-sighted, etc). </p>
<p>Your D sounds like she has a good head on her shoulders. Kudos </p>
<p>I think the knee-jerk angry/sad/frustrated/confused responses are fine. Normal. The reactions I really don’t enjoy are the folks who say things like "All that money/time wasted on [fill-in-the-blank] sports, music lessons, travels, community service projects, getting all "A"s, working hard,…just to end up at the University of ______. </p>
<p>In our “Trophy For Every Kid Culture” many kids, nor parents have been told “no” up to this point in their lives. So as far as a parent “reframing” if for their child, it is quite possible they have no reference point for that. For me, and my kids, I tell them to get over it and move on. By showing them I moved on, they take the cue that it is not worth wasting energy on.</p>
<p>It’s an emotional thing. I agree that many parents act immaturely because they get hit where it hurts, and it’s hard to control one’s reaction when you are in pain. That’s what it comes down to. Reaction to pain.</p>
<p>It’s also tough when you see perceived as well as real inequities. Yes, we know the world is not fair, but when you are at the end of the stick that you don’t want, the reaction is not good. My son was showing me the Naviance scattergrams for his school one night and was noting some outliers that got into some highly selective schools. Since I had another child at that high school and have a good idea who got in where in the past 4 years, one could very much see what weight the URM card has. Yes, it creates resentments. Also, I know some folks who are very, very wealthy, and their kids have been going to tutoring and counseling specifically to go top schools since 8th grade. On top of that, the parents have made sure that they are on development lists and have dropped a million and more to these schools well BEFORE we are even thinking about college for our kids. We are all true amateurs compared to some of those who are truly focused on those prizes, and when you see what it takes, it can take your breath away. It’s a real sucker punch.</p>
<p>Then the pettiness of seeing a classmate or neighbor or anyones whose stats you know or think you know get in before your kid. Hurts to be dissed. Hurts when that great kid of yours who has worked so hard doesn’t get into a school and a bunch of his friends did and you know or think you know that his stats and app should have been as good or better. Oh, yes, it can hurt.</p>
<p>I think for some parents the caliber of their child’s college acceptance is a validating factor for their strength as a parent. When the student doesn’t get the (parental) desired outcomes, the parents feel it. I find it odd, but I know people who really do live vicariously through their kids.</p>
<p>momof three boys- I agree 100%. It validates prior decisions (SAH parent or two working parents), private vs. public school or vice versa, lots of engineered EC’s vs. daydreaming on the porch and building lego’s, etc. It is a quick snapshot which says, “I did the right thing by choosing X”, or somehow, “my decisions as a parent were substandard”.</p>
<p>Not nice to be one of these kids, but I think you’ve hit on a sad truth.</p>
<p>The poor reactions are often fueled by misconceptions and the loftiest expectations. As others have written, for many it represents the first set of denials and rejections, and also the realization that the times when parents can shelter the kids from disappointment are really … over. It is no longer possible to sweet talk a teacher or principal into changing a grade. It is no longer possible to send a red apple to avoid a final. It is no longer possible to ensure the right participation in an activity through contacts or a donation --well, safe and except for development admits! </p>
<p>It is also one of the first times when the children are measured outside a small local enclave. And it represents a rude awakening for the superstar athlete or valedictorian that there are many, many, many just like them, and plenty who have accomplished much more away from the shores of Lake Wobegon. Further, one needs to consider the typical message sent by GCs to the more than 30,000 vals in the country (and to their loving parents) … “With such SAT and the val, DD or DS is a shoo-in at XYIvie.”</p>
<p>The good news is that, with the purchase of all those nice sweatshirts and pencils at the chosen bookstore, the parents quickly love to love the school that … loved their kids! That and seeing how happy and content the kids are at the school that DID fit them better than the elusive “top” school ever might have.</p>
<p>I think it’s also important to remember that CC has a bit of a skewed population that is certainly not representative of the wider population. For one, on an online forum, feelings might come across more strongly than they might have if you met them in person. People post in the heat of the moment but their feelings might temper after sleeping on it, or their opinions sound more strongly online than they would in an actual conversation. Also, CC tends to attract students who are very invested in the college process and are generally very ambitious, high achieving students, who are less accustomed to being rejected (and some parents are very invested in their kids schooling and accomplishments). It’s hard when you work so hard for so long for something, and you don’t get to see your efforts pay off in the way you dreamed they would. But I would consider CC more towards the extreme of the spectrum.</p>
<p>Hold on. Yes their are a lot of unrealistic ego-driven parents and students out here. But I’d argue that the highly selective schools (including the state flagships) have gone out of their way to 1) encourage weak candidates to apply to make their selectivity and desirability look greater; 2) made their actual selection criteria/process very un-transparent; and 3) fostered an atmosphere where the process can appear arbitrary and capricious to their potential customers. </p>
<p>A lot of goodwill has been squandered by these schools with their ever-rising tuition and fees in excess of inflation, staggering levels of student debt, grade inflation, inability to graduate students in four years, administrative bloat, adjunct-mania, and omnipresent political correctness. </p>
<p>I am only surprised that there is not more carping.</p>
<p>You make a very valid point regarding the ever-rising tuition. It is, however, hardly the sole domain of tertiary education. The difference from K-12 is that most parents are sheltered from the real cost of education through a mechanism that hides the true costs and relies on everyone to spread the pain. The cost of college is mostly shocking because “customers” have been lulled in believing that educationis funded by OPM aka other people’s money. </p>
<p>Fwiw, you could easily adopt your (true) statement to the primary and secondary education and end up with:</p>
<p>A lot of goodwill has been squandered by all school systems in the US with their ever-rising cost and fees in excess of inflation, staggering levels of debts through bonds, grade inflation, inability to graduate students in 12 years without hiding the real dropouts, administrative bloat, inept and poorly educated teachers, and omnipresent political correctness … as well as omnipotent political corruption to protect the lazy and incompetent and the thieves.</p>
<p>The only difference is that people do not seem to care as long as the system appears to be … free. If taxpayers and parents were presented with a bill for 10 to 25 percent of the real cost of education, they might get just as frustrated as they are with colleges. </p>
<p>Hey, look, I found the forum for adults! No, I’m not being sarcastic, I like the tone of the discussion here. Nice change.</p>
<p>I find myself nodding my head to many of the posts, and think that MariettaDad hit the nail on the head on the part that colleges play in this whole drama.</p>
<p>I have seen parents get annoyed with a particular school they think their kid should have gotten into, and they don’t like the schools “practices”…e.g., sending you mailings and then not admitting you.</p>
<p>My DD who got a 194 on the PSAT has gotten cards from Harvard and MIT… we realize that they are sending those so you THINK you have a chance and will apply…Colleges need 2 things from the admissions process…to find a well rounded freshman class, and to keep up their admit %. </p>
<p>And since the admission process is not transparent, you may not be able to see that 3000 people applied for 500 Biomedical Engineering spots and really there were 2000 that were awesome.</p>
<p>Also some schools are self selecting…they appear to have a high admit ratio but that is because only people who think they can get in will apply…but they don’t have the IVY name recognition so you don’t get so many reach applicants trying.</p>
<p>When I posted this, I was actually commenting on posters upset students didn’t get to schools they thought were matches or safeties. Now looking down on Lehigh, Northeastern or American for rejecting their great kids. Some are posting simultaneously about better acceptances, likely letters or merit scholarships. That I can’t understand being so upset about. Take the “better” offer and move on!</p>
<p>There are approximately 4 million high school seniors in America; forty thousand of them are in the “top 1%,” however defined (a combination of scores, grades, community service athletics, or just any of the previous). The Ivy League could fill its classes four times over with those kids. </p>
<p>So, yeah - parents get upset when their objectively exceptional kid comes up short against such a huge pool. They also forget how different things are - “smart” and “well rounded” might have put a student as a solid Ivy candidate in the 1970s and 1980s, but times have changed.</p>
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