I read this in a blog today – the entire quote is: “College admissions is viewed in many circles as the ultimate report card on parenting, a single, permanent letter grade given at the end of 18 long years of loving effort.”
The blog was discussing the recent editorials and book by NYTimes’ Frank Bruni. (most recent NYTimes’ article, “How to Survive the College Admissions Madness” link: http://nyti.ms/1Dez9WQ).
I really don’t want to think this is true and, gratefully, I don’t hang out in ‘those’ circles. (I think some CC threads count as ‘those’ circles!) But, do I get a B- because my son is ‘only’ going to a state university and not a prestigious institution? I don’t think so…
I think this is a coastal thing, largely relegated to the half dozen most populous metropolitan areas and the wealthiest communities within said areas. Certainly, that doesn’t define the prevailing culture in my part of Upstate NY or adjoining parts of Massachusetts.
Maybe not completely coastal, but it is an attitude confined to certain circles of certain SES levels and backgrounds, generally in major metropolitan areas.
@Hudsonvalley51 I think you make a good point. I went to HS on LI in the '70s and a non-prestigious ‘private’ college in Utica, NY, and was completely unaware of the competitiveness of college. (I guess I could’ve gone somewhere more prestigious, but Utica College had my major and I liked its small size). Today, however, I notice on CC that state universities like Binghamton, Stony Brook and Albany in NY and UMass in Amherst have become wildly popular and difficult to get into. Perhaps it is seeping into the non-populous parts of NY and Mass?
Binghamton and Stony Brook, yes. Albany remains the default 4-year school for many local “B” students. Can’t speak to UMASS as few people around my part of NYS could afford it as out-of-staters even if they were interested.
I wouldn’t necessarily say the wealthiest communities. IME, this is more an upper-middle class/middle class thing.
Many wealthy families I’ve encountered…including some well-off extended family members tend to regard “working too hard” for admission to an elite/respectable college or for good grades is a “bad thing”.
Many well-off classmates from my undergrad LAC and their families had few issues with them crawling to graduation with sub 3.0 cumulative GPAs or even 2.x GPAs. To some extent, this also affected a few faculty children whose parents were teaching at other colleges. In their view, if they can get an A or B without much effort, great. However, if they must exert some effort to getting them, a C/C- is fine.
It was a mentality I had a hard time understanding considering my prior public magnet HS background where aspirations of elite college acceptances and high GPA/SATs was the prevailing norm.
It also caused some of those college classmates problems after graduation as that slackerish attitude tend not to be accepted very well in most professional workplaces. It’s one thing to not be perfect 4.0. It’s another to be content with mediocrity if attaining even a satisfactory rating is considered “not worth the effort to bother”.
I think the measure of me as a parent is the type of kids I’ve raised.
My kids are absolutely still a work in progress, as am I. But at this point I’m happy to call all 3 of them kind, caring human beings.
All are on track to eventually graduate from high school (though my youngest is still in 6th grade.) The plan as of right now is for all 3 to attend college when they’re ready. And I hope that all figure out what it is that will enable them to earn a living, while at the same time getting the same satisfaction from their careers that their dad and I get from teaching. But I can confidently predict that none of mine will be applying to any of the top schools.
But to tie college admissions into good parenting?? Absurd.
So we can count as parenting failures the parents of Abraham LIncoln, John D. Rockefeller, Julie Andrews, Michael J. Fox, Mark Twain, Sean Connery and Rosa Parks?
I’m thankful that those in my “circle” would disagree with the quote.
I admit I’m well past the college admissions stage with my offspring. However, IME, usually the sort of statement made in the blog is made by someone who claims that she–it is usually a she–is surronded by all these OTHER parents who view college admissions that way.
My offspring attended a public magnet. Most of the kids want to attend one of the nation’s top colleges. I’d say that the most intense pressure comes from immigrant parents who have made enormous sacrifices to give their kids a better life than they had. All too often, they think that getting into a top NYC public magnet guarantees that their child will go on to a top college. The kids commute up to 3 hours a day to attend, spend long hours studying and also participate in ECs. If things don’t work out the parents are devastated. I don’t think many of them see “failure” as a reflection on their parenting skills–they are CONVINCED that their kids did something wrong or didn’t do something they should have.
Some of the independent school parents seem to blame the high schools. “I didn’t pay $45,000 a year so my kid could go to Binghamton!” Or “VASSAR? It’s not good enough. The school’s college adviser FAILED MY KID.”
My apartment building is filled with people whose kids attended or are attending top colleges. The oldest residents are now worrying about grandchildren’s acceptances. While parents jump up and down with excitement when their kids get in…and yes, some say things like “we are waiting to hear from.,” I have yet to meet a single parent who thinks that it reflects on their parenting EXCEPT in one limited sense. Every year, there are parents who think they should have started learning about the college admissions process a lot earlier. They feel that they failed their kids because they weren’t as savvy as other people and their kids suffered because of it.
But I’ve never met a parent who pats himself or herself on the back and says "Wow… my kid got into Harvard or Stanford or MIT and that proves how special I am.’ I’ve never once heard a parent say that–and I know a heck of a lot of parents whose kids have gone to Harvard, Stanford, and MIT.
I would tend to agree with the original stmt. In this area, college admissions is a competitive sport, played by the parents. Not as bad in the public high schools - but at the private high schools in this area - absolutely.
One of me dearest friends went all “Bilbo Baggins” on me when her son was applying. You know that scene in the Elvish kingdom where he sees the ring and his eyes kind of flash and roll back in his head and he gets all covetous. She is normally a dear, sweet person and quite reasonable and she got totally caught up. They have an only child and she was saying things like “we only have one shot at this . . .” as if my two kids evened out the average of admissions rather than just seeking what was best for each kid. She has an older brother with a tiger mom wife and in laws to impress as well. It got to her and she saw the whole thing as a distillation of all their parenting choices. She got a lot of flack for going back to work and I think she wanted to wave a Cornell admission around and say “I told you so.” Alas . . . it didn’t turn out that way.
Jonri, I am also a New Yorker, and my daughter graduated from a specialized high school. Her close social circle included kids who were the valedictorian, salutatorian, and senior class president of her class, although she herself was not at their level. In my very humble opinion, if a parent believes that, s/he would not be blabbing about it. And some definitely believe.
In parts of my family where this is important and among some HS classmates, an acceptance isn’t the most important thing, especially considering someone may transfer out because they couldn’t take the academic rigor/pacing or flunk out altogether or conversely, someone who learned from mistakes in HS and put in the effort to do well, “transfer up”, and finish at the more respectable/elite institution.
Instead, it’s where one ends up graduating from with diploma in hand…preferably in 4 years or less unless it’s a state system with known issues with such timetables like some UCs.
I was the first in my family to go to college. I started out at a juco and then transferred to one of those little-known directional state universities. I had an amazing, award-winning career and am not the kind to be impressed by where you went to school, what car you drive, name-brand purses, etc. However …
I am amused and no longer surprised by the reactions I get from people when I tell them where ds2 attends. It’s well-known and seems to impress people. Ds1 attended a LAC that’s actually higher ranked in its category, but no one has ever heard of it around here and so doesn’t elicit the same delighted response. I do wonder whether people who are so impressed by a college name think that I have done something “right.” But I think when people act that way that it says more about them than it does about my parenting skills. So, yeah, I think there must be people out there who do think that where your kid goes to school is some kind of parenting referendum, but I find most of those people are parents of younger kids who haven’t gone through the process yet and don’t understand how inexplicable it all is.
It’s only “impressive” if you let yourself care about that kind of stuff. I don’t put bumper stickers on my car and I couldn’t have cared less what all the other mommieeees in my community did with respect to pretty much anything parenting-related. I wanted my kids to go to excellent schools because I believe a good education is important and I value what an elite school offers, but not because I wanted to impress a bunch of strangers with whom I have nothing in common other than we all happened to procreate at the same time and chose the same town / school district to live in.
I live in a pretty typical upper-middle-class suburban neighborhood. I think there is a grand total of 3 other families in our subdivision who would even know where my kids go to school - my next door neighbor with a similar age kid, the guy across the street who is the neighborhood gossip who knows everything, and a friend of mine one block over. I don’t even remotely kid myself that anyone else in my neighborhood knows or cares, and I don’t feel any need to tell them.
You (generic you, not anyone specific) CHOOSE to play that status game. You are not forced to compete with any neighbor on anything unless you choose to - whether that’s on your car, your furniture, your jewelry, your vacation, or where your kids go to school. Quiet, anonymous and under the radar screen is the way to go.
The only reason our wagon would ever get a college sticker is to cover up the rust holes. Because as long as I’m paying tuition, that thing is staying on the road.
But I think when people act that way that it says more about them than it does about my parenting skills.*
Precisely.
H and I are working class, and live pretty modestly. Our kids both attended pretty good schools, one attended a very selective prep school.( on mega aid) I had the impression, that a small number of parents at this prep school, were giving themselves pats on the back, for everything they had to do to get their child in. ( including paying tuition of $25,000 a yr). I would agree that it is tough to raise any kid, and to have a successful and moderately pleasant teenager, is indeed an accomplishment!
But I recall the panicked and puzzled look on a few faces when they realized that H wasn’t an engineer, he worked in the factory, and I wasn’t in graduate school, I was attending community college.
How could they be doing such a great job to get their kids into this school, when H & I not only did the same thing, but were getting a discount!
I almost felt sorry for them, because they didn’t realize how amazing our kids were.
I imagine this is somewhat of a regional thing as well. Out here in California, the culture is very different from say, the northeast part of the US. We tend to be a little less critical of college pedigree and social status, and in many ways, parental success is measured by whether or not your kids are good citizens, have a career they enjoy, and are generally happy in life.
This can vary depending on the area in California. In some upper-middle class neighborhoods while observing my older cousins applying/attending college, there’s serious academic cachet to going to Stanford, Caltech, or Berkeley.
Barring attending other elite private Us, going OOS for college is regarded by some in such areas as a sign one failed to make it into a desirable UC and need to leave the state to attend college. Back then, this included some pretty elite/respectable OOS schools like UMich or UWisc-Madison.
Only difference in such environments is they don’t care nearly as much about the Ivies or other elite colleges outside the California region nearly as much as upper-middle class folks here on the East coast or Midwest.