I give up. What is a “Tailgate State?” My guess is it’s a sort of derogatory term for the immensely popular state flagships with big sports programs. If so, I have a son who did better than fall from MIT to a Tailgate State. He over-achieved to get into one.
I get the sense, from some posts, that some think kids achieve in a vacuum, that parents can’t encourage or provide grounding, set standards or somehow facilitate. But most of us here do, wealthy or not. Call it guiding, if that’s easier to hear. It’s possible to be happy for a kid who lands well (and to find something good to say about whatever school some kid is headed for, shiny rep or not; there are lots of ways different schools are a great fit. I can be nice even when it’s cc. Or some other plan. Why not?) And its fine by me for someone to compliment a parent.
Where I’d draw the line is when someone gets flootsnooty about where there kid is going or presumes some superiority. There are a lot more hurdles to successfully get past in life than getting an admit at 17 or 18. They’re only just embarking, at that point. And as is often the case, triumphs often mask other challenges. Just saying.
They are and I bring them up to shatter the “Ivy” worship. I don’t know if I succeed.
Iglooo, I meant that for singleparent1.
I would like to invite you over to the FA forum where there are a number of threads written by parents and students who have been accepted to a wide variety of schools which are unaffordable to the family and will be attending their local state U. carry on
One could do worse than falling down to tailgate states, like helping out in a HS science lab after graduating from MIT You don’t need a degree to be a lab assistant. Or how about this. I know a woman from a tailgate state fell up to Havard.
Hello all; So I’m a high schooler and this is something I’m currently struggling with. Since this is the parents’ forum, I was hoping some of you could offer me some help on this
I’ve gone through high school fairly well (I won’t say I have exceptional “stats”, but they aren’t terrible). On Friday, I checked my UCSD portal to find out I had been denied admission to their university. I know there are a lot of factors that tie into this (My overall stats weren’t as competitive as the others who were applying to their impacted major-- and the major I applied to; computer science engineering-- wasn’t actually one I was extremely interested in. I will admit that it showed in my high school profile)
That being the case, I have been accepted to SDSU (A state school). To those who don’t live in California or aren’t familiar with the Californian state schools: UC schools are usually viewed as “more prestigious” as a CSU (one like SDSU)
I’m still waiting on decisions from the other UCs I applied to, but if I was denied from the least competitive UC, the chances of me being accepted to the others are slim
After hearing this, I think my mom took a huge blow. She broke down and (much like how it’s worded here), she said that her “17 years of parenting were for naught”. She also said that it was “her fault” that I didn’t get into a UCSD.
She got mad at me and refused to talk to me for a day. After I begged her to talk to me, she finally caved and confessed that she had placed her hopes on me. She said that she had been looked down on (after my father lost his job, she feels like everyone else in the family kind of looks down on us) and she had wanted me to get into a slightly better school so that she could tell everyone about it.
Now, while waiting for the responses from the other UCs, I’m truly hoping that there will be a positive response from one, but I am keeping my expectations low. I want to be able to give my mom that one experience? I understand that to want to gain admission into a college for a reason like that is extremely silly, but I can’t help thinking that way.
She’s calmed down a lot and she apologised to me-- saying that she shouldn’t have placed those sorts of “hopes” onto me and that she was “lucky to have me” because I had placed her feelings first before trying to tend to mine.
She seems alright with me attending CC or SDSU first (My father and uncle both said that it didn’t matter which “prestigious school” I got into because I “can become successful wherever I go”). Still, I want to know if there’s anything I can do or say that will help her.
Keep in mind that your mom’s upset is not about you; it’s about herself. We moms are human, too. We do and say stupid things that we regret later, and it sounds like your mom had one of those moments when she found out about the UCSD decision. Believe it or not, this waiting game gets on parents’ nerves, too, and sometimes we just don’t handle it as well as we would like.
The most important thing you can do for your mom is to be happy and productive wherever you end up—UC, CSU, or CC. Give her a hug. Keep working hard, but cherish these last few months at home, too. What moms want most for their kids is for them to be happy and healthy, with work they enjoy and people around them who they love. In other words, the best way to help your mother get over this momentary disappointment is to show her how well you’re doing and how much you love her, wherever you may be.
LF. That is really what I meant. Of course parents can and should support and nudge and even push their kids to do well. But the college admission result is not the report card on that parenting, even though some parents think it is.
Ella. Hugs to you and your mom. I’m sorry she was upset with you but glad she apologized. Sometimes we parents take admission results harder than you kids do. We may take it on ourselves and focus on what we perceive as mistakes we think we made. All you can do is tell her you understand and that you will be fine and do well wherever you go. You may still get into a UC or transfer to one after attending CC or. State U. Good luck.
“do I get a B- because my son is ‘only’ going to a state university and not a prestigious institution”
- You get what you gave yourself, not more and not less. Do you know how many very top caliber students from both public and the most rigrous private HSs are entering in-state public colleges? D. met lots of them as most in her Honors program at state public were in fact valedictorians (maybe all). Her Honors accepted top 200 applicants and requirements were top 2% of HS class, ACT=31+. These kids simply did not apply to Ivy / Elite for various reasons. My D. specifically said that she had no desire to attend any Ivy / Elite. Not too shabby to be accepted to a program that had only 10 spots for incoming freshmen and to a couple more of similar programs. And why to pay for UG if these type of kids could easily obtain full tuition / ful ride Merit award and focus on future graduate school instead? D. simply said, “I will do fine anywhere”. She shrugged off the GC pressure and stood proudly on her own after graduating #1 from the most regorous private HS in our area. It worked out greatly. After graduating from her in-state public as a top pre-med, she was accepted to 4 Medical Schools, 2 in top 20 and had hard time choosing. At Medical school she was on exactly the same footing with many Ivy / Elite graduates in her class, never felt inferior to them in any academic aspect, but felt somewhat more mature as the one who pursued many interests in college and made sure to surround herself with very diverse crowd of friends, not only the ones who focused primarily on academics. It all paid off.
It is up to a student to achieve, the instituion name is not going to do it for you! Best wishes!
@elixin54 hugs to you and your mom. I think what will help her is just to see you upbeat and optimistic about your opportunities at the school you do enrol in. Best of luck to you. You seem like a wonderful kid.
@elixin54, UCSD is the least selective UC that you applied to?
In any case your father and uncle are correct. You can become successful from any school.
@elixin54 Try and ignore your mom’s emotional baggage as much as possible here. Whatever you do, don’t let her negativity towards your rejection from UCSD get to your head because it can actually become a self-fulfilling prophesy. You still got into a good school [SDSU], and can still be just as successful in life. Enjoy college!
My guess is that your mother is from an immigrant background with all her worrying about the relative prestige of all f these UC’s and CSU’s and whatever – which, ironically enough, have very little prestige outside of California anyway since no one anywhere else will recognize them unless they’ve lived in California. So what this means is that prestige is in the eye of the beholder. You’re a smart kid, you have your head on your shoulders, you’ll do just fine. Don’t let your mother’s hang-ups affect you.
singleparent1, a belated reply to your post #52: “Nobody applying to MIT falls down to Tailgate State.”
Years ago, I applied and was admitted to MIT. I chose to go to a university that people might consider to be “Tailgate State” instead, largely for financial reasons. Financial aid from the “top” schools was not as generous in that era as it later became.
You are right in one regard. I didn’t “fall down” to Tailgate State. I went there purposefully. It has worked out fine for me.
elixin54: Pizzagirl is right that the relative standing of various UCs and CSUs is not well known in other parts of the country. In the midwest, there are “State” schools that are the flagship universities for their states–for example, Ohio State University. So the difference between a UC and a Cal State is not so meaningful elsewhere.
Aside from that, I think that your perception that UCSD is the “least selective” of the UC system is way off base. There are a lot of UCs that are not as highly ranked. UC Merced would be one example. But I think that only UC Berkeley and UCLA would be viewed as outranking UCSD by most academics. There are some other UCs that are on par with UCSD in various fields. If you spread your UC applications out, you may be admitted to a UC school. If not, SDSU is a great choice, and you can get an excellent undergraduate education there.
Sorry about your mother’s response. When people don’t understand the American system of higher education, they often try to interpret it in terms of other systems that are more familiar to them. I am sure things are better already.
Perhaps this statement is being misunderstood, or perhaps I have a different take on it. Here’s how I would put it:
No student who is a credible applicant to MIT will find that he or she can only obtain admission to a substantially less selective school if denied entry by MIT, as long as he or she has created a good list of reaches, matches, and safeties. A student may choose to attend a substantially less selective school for financial or other reasons, of course.
If the rest of the country doesn’t know about the UC system, that doesn’t detract from its overall excellence. California has five or six public universities that would be the “flagship” in most states. Of course, California is also more like a medium-sized country than an ordinary state so admissions are very competitive even at the allegedly lesser UCs.
Absolutely, SomeOldGuy, I was just suggesting that elixin54 should not obsess over the differences between UC schools and Cal State schools on the “prestige” dimension. UC Berkeley is one of the very top universities in the country. A count of their Nobel Laureates is enough to suggest this. As you say, there are other very strong UC universities, which outrank flagship schools in quite a few states, in terms of research.
Hunt, I was really objecting to the characterization as “falling down.” Your comment is true, of course. Well mostly true, anyway. A counter-example or two has been posted on CC.
@QuantMech I too was put off by the ‘falling down to Tailgate State.’ I find it smacks of elitism and reflects the incredible pressure on kids and parents to not only get into, but also attend and pay for, only the esteemed universities. Is @elixin54 ‘falling down’ to UCSD? I think not.