My ex turned down MIT and went to a “tailgate state”. He did so because he wanted to save his parents money, he knew he would graduate debt-free, and skiing was better in the west. He’s worked in computers ever since at some of the the top companies in the world. If you use the internet, you are benefiting from his work. If you travel, you are benefiting from his work. Darn tailgate state and their sub-par educations!
Honestly, this forum sometimes…
“Someone who thinks I am a lesser parent than the one whose kid got into Harvard is, to me, about as important in my life as a horsefly.”
Exactly. What little self-esteem someone must have, to think that other people’s opinions of their family decisions are more important than their own.
Not sure I agree with the premise of the article, but the reactions we have received when other parents have heard our second child has been accepted to an Ivy run the gamut from those who know very little about the process - “How are you going to afford 2 kids in Ivy schools?” to those who truly understand that we are proud only that our children have done their best, because they did this for themselves, and they understand luck is a big factor. Several parents of younger children want to know what we did to make our kids turn out well.
It can be flattering, but when I think about it, did we guide them that much? Some, but I would say they have prepared themselves much more than we tried to prepare them. We have given them our shared morals and perhaps instilled with them a sense of duty to themselves to always do their best. We taught them early on that always doing their best means the rewards are better, but at least as important is the fact that it makes it easier to accept life’s challenges and disappointments down the road - when these come, they won’t waste time regretting what might have been.
I am happier that my kids are becoming nice people, more than they got accepted to great schools. Don’t get me wrong, the fact that the elite schools have fantastic financial aid is phenomenal - it will mean our kids will have an opportunity to pursue their dreams without the burdens of loans. It means they have opportunites to meet amazing people who share their intellectual talents, and a love of learning. Any parent wants her child to be happy, independent, and able to go out into the world and do her best, with a concern for her fellow citizen.
We have been fortunate to have and raise successful children, but that doesn’t define who we are. At the same time, we never let other people’s expectations define who we are.
At the same time, I do understand other young parents who want our advice, for the simple fact that they don’t yet understand how this process unfolds. It makes perfect sense to want to get input from people who have successfully navigated the process, but it can be frustrating when they won’t accept our answer that it is our kids, and not us, who deserve the credit.
@iglooo: Nooo! I’m not calling you out! I’m agreeing with you! I’ve been puzzled/irritated, just like you, of the disparaging “Tailgate State” line since I first saw it. I even asked in post #65 for a definition 'cause I found it absurd that someone was belittling fine institutions. I’m very much appreciating your posts on this thread.
If we remove state flagships from the “Tailgate U” description, my DH still went to “Tailgate U.” And is highly respected in his industry, not only as a very kind and ethical human being in an industry that has its share of members who are NOT, but as a very knowledgeable and successful guy and someone who will get the job done as well as it can be done.
Darn tailgate state, indeed.
“Tailgate U”
Lots of tailgating goes on at Yale Bowl on game day. 
Yup, a school with heavy game-day partying can still be fine. We can name plenty of them. And there are plenty of schools CC sniffs at, that turn out educated folks who will succeed.
I just find, sometimes, that either extreme can fall into “doth protest too much.”
I guess I object more to the social connotations of a term like “Tailgate U”.
If some had said “anyone who applies to MIT should have choices above a 4th tier college”, that would likely be true (except for the most delusional kids), and I doubt many people would object. But what if someone says “anyone who aspires to the Supreme Court shouldn’t be spending weekends hunting and drinking beer”?
So is tailgate U more elite than tailgate state?
Okay, now my thought of what “tailgate state” must be different than what you all are thinking. I was thinking tailgate like in the country songs, which generally has a connotation of redneck, country, podunk, middle-of-nowhere, which leads to not-of-much-scholarly-repute. That’s what I had in mind for “tailgate state.” What on earth does a college tailgating mean?
I don’t associate tailgating with the country at all. Places all over tailgate. The South does it up bigger, but what state university with a football team doesn’t tailgate? Even my school with a crummy football team during my tenure had tailgating!
@Pizzagirl What do you mean by a college tailgating?
Gathering in a parking lot or grassy area prior to a football game. Food and drinks served out of the back of someone’s car / van / SUV / station wagon with the tailgate down - hence the word tailgating. Lots of grilling. Snack foods. Soft drinks and alcohol oft in red solo cups. You wander from area to area and socialize casually. Sometimes there are games / amusements for younger children. Sometimes different groups / organizations run each station, or sometimes it’s just a group of friends.
It has nothing to do with the country or rural settings. You can tailgate at Soldier Field in Chicago before a Bears game.
Southern schools do, however, tend to “do up” their tailgates more, with fancier food and drink, and make it a bigger social event. Have never been to a tailgate at a Southern school but it sounds like fun.
Why, what were you thinking?
@Pizzagirl I don’t know. I was trying to figure out if you meant the colleges “tailgated” each other, like cars do, which wasn’t making any sense. And I guess elite schools don’t “tailgate” like you described?
@QuantMech Sorry if my wording was a bit skewed, oops! I didn’t mean that UCSD was the least selective UC, just that out of the ones that I applied to, it was one of the least (Compared to the extremely competitive UCLA and UCB). I didn’t apply to the other ones because of the application cost (even if I did get accepted to say UC Merced or Santa Barbara, my parents would not give their support in me attending).
@PurpleTitan I think UCI might be less selective? But yeah, UCB and UCLA are more competitive than UCSD (those were the 4 that I applied to)
@fractalmstr Ahh, thank you! I’ll do my best to try to keep it out of my mind. She apologized about it, but sometimes I’m still reminded that she has these feelings. Since I love her, I want for her to be able to feel comfortable and confident about herself. I guess in a way I’m just frustrated that I couldn’t do that for her right at this moment (I understand my success isn’t determined through which colleges I gain admission to, but I understand how disappointed she may have felt-- obviously if she feels this way, she had some level of confidence in me and she just felt like those hopes were let down) Thank you for your words though! I’ll try my best to do well no matter which school I attend
Albert - yes, elite schools certainly tailgate the way I described.
Tailgate State is meant to be a metaphor, another way of expressing party school where the focus is on the football game and not the classroom. It’s really not about the presence of a tailgate party per se. Schools all up and down the selectivity chain tailgate.
Elixin - you sound wonderful and mature. Best of wishes.
In that case, then I retract my statement about my school being a tailgate state - it doesn’t have a football team! Seriously! It has a good basketball team, though.
@scholarme Thank you for your kind words. I’ll do my best to succeed no matter where I go for college. I hope that later in the future, I’ll be able to achieve different and maybe more meaningful things that she can be proud of me for.
@EllieMom , @mom2and I wish I could make her feel better immediately, but I’ll try my best to be productive no matter where I go. In the end, I know she reacted so strongly because she’s worried about me and how I’ll proceed into the future (Since it’s the common misunderstanding that going to a “better” college means that your chances for success will be greater)
Thank you again for your advice 
@elixin54, UCSD is typically seen as a strong #3 among UC’s after Cal and UCLA (with some departments on par with those 2). They are on par with several state flagships and would be the top public in many states.
Your parents would not support you attending UCSB? That’s crazy. UCSB is another UC that is academically stronger than several state flagships.
In any case, going from CC to a top UC is a common path in CA.