College Bereavement policy - advice needed for absence

Parents Forum
1

<p>My sister's daughter asked to be excused from class to attend her paternal grandfather's funeral. The academic dean Ok'ed her absence. However, a professor told her that her assignment is still due the day she is gone for the memorial service and he will count her absence against what is allowed for his class.</p>

<p>Niece went back to academic dean - dean said the professor can do what he wants in his classroom and so you have to decide if you still want to attend the memorial service. </p>

<p>The memorial service is in another state and she has to fly to her grandparents hometown. She has decided to go, but is really upset at the lack of support she encountered. </p>

<p>What do you recommend? Who should she go talk to next? She is a freshman at a state university.</p>

2

<p>I don't know much about college policies, but I would say that based on what I know about K-12 public school policies, she's lucky to get any consideration at all, considering that the deceased is a grandparent rather than an immediate family member.</p>

<p>Years ago, when one of my kids was in middle school and the other in elementary school, one of them had to miss a grandparent's funeral because a standardized test was given that day. (I also missed the funeral, which was my father-in-law's, because the child was too young to be left home alone while I traveled out of state.) The other child attended with his father, but it was an unexcused absence. </p>

<p>Your niece could ask whether the professor would allow her to turn in the assignment in advance or by e-mail. If not, she will need to find a classmate to hand it in for her.</p>

3

<p>This is standard. The problem is that far too many students claim grandparent deaths at convenient times during the semester. Now, profs don't generally make allowances for this kind of thing. It's unfortunate everyone ends up suffering for the idiots who "kill" off their grandparents every midterm, but there it is. Tell your niece not to take it personally.</p>

<p>She can undoubtedly make arrangements to email the assignment to the prof. If the prof insists upon a hard copy, she can propose either 1) email on time, and hand in hard copy when she gets back, or 2) mail hard copy (postmark will show date completed).</p>

4

<p>I would not consider missing a grandparent's funeral for a standardized test....I am really, really, surprised at that decision. Especially an elementary or middle school test?</p>

5

<p>
[quote]
I would not consider missing a grandparent's funeral for a standardized test....I am really, really, surprised at that decision. Especially an elementary or middle school test?

[/quote]
</p>

<p>We were new to the district so the child had no record of past testing; she was nearing the end of elementary school, and her placement in middle school classes would be based largely on the outcome of this test. No make-ups were possible (I asked).</p>

<p>Would you allow your highly academic child to be relegated to the bottom academic track for years to attend a grandparent's funeral? Some people would answer yes to this question. For me, the answer was no. Different families have different priorities.</p>

6

<p>Well, it is a difficult choice. I think the decision I would have made would be to attend the funeral and harrass the school district into allowing a make up. Not just for my individual child's benefit but because putting parents in the position of blowing off either their own parent's funeral or their child's future educational opportunites seems grossly inappropriate and contrary to the public interest.</p>

<p>What if it had been your husband's death? Would the school have allowed a make up for that? Would you have skipped his funeral for the test? I am guessing not, so maybe it is just that in this time, people no longer think of grandparents as immediate family.</p>

7

<p>If it had been my husband's death, I would have scheduled the funeral for a day or time of day when testing was not taking place. But we're getting off-topic here.</p>

8

<p>Back in the stone ages my father had a heart attack just days before my freshman year exams. I was attending college locally and went to each prof and ask for an extension on my exams or papers. While my father was doing ok, I was a mess and really couldn't study with him in the hospital in CCU. All by one prof said no problem, the other said if I didn't show for the exam he would fail me. My father in his drugged state told me not to go to the exam just on principle! I failed the class and truly didn't care as I knew being with my father was more important. Of course I was short a course and had to make it up, but it was worth it.</p>

9

<p>I think the professor is allowing for this absence and just says it has to count as an absence, right? There may be a certain number of allowable absences per semester. So, she has one for this and should make sure she has no others. He also just said her assignment was still due on time. She should submit it early or by email or have a classmate hand it in on her behalf. It is fair to make the assignment due. What would NOT be appropriate is to not allow her to miss school to attend the funeral (in my opinion). However, it would be more humane to allow an extension on the assignment due to the circumstances. I believe the professor should accomodate her in some fashion (allow an absence and/or an extension on an assignment preferably) for a death in the family.</p>

<p>My D has had to ask for accomodations in college not even for deaths. In her freshman year, her sister was in intensive care due to a car crash and she wanted to come home. We did not want her to miss school to do so (she had JUST missed an entire week for her college sport championships) and so she only came home on a weekend but needed accomodations for the assignment. The professors were accomodating. Even this week, she had to approach a professor about missing an important class (a critique which is kinda like an exam) to attend a graduate school open house event out of state. He OK'd it as long as she gets the project done by that date and hands it in. I would expect the same for a family funeral. It seems like your nieces' professor will allow the absence (he should!) as long as the work is done on time. However, my kid has gotten extensions for things like her sister's hospitalization visit, etc.</p>

10

<p>less than a week into her freshman year, a friend of my daughters was killed in a car crash, and we flew her home. Since the crash happened on a Friday afternoon, and she didn't find out about it until early Saturday morning, and we were trying to get her home on Sunday, she had little time to locate her profs, etc. to see how they'd handle her absence... especially since it was Labor Day weekend and most offices were vacated for the long weekend.</p>

<p>Her RA tried to help her, making some contacts with some people he reported to, to see what they recommended. Some person in administration even asked if the trip home was a financial difficulty... did she need help with her airline purchase. She did not, but right away, I was grateful knowing such possibilities existed. Everyone recommended she go. I was more concerned that once she came home and saw all her friends, etc. that she wouldn't want to go back since we'd just dropped her off a week ago. Thankfully she also had a friend at a nearby college who was also coming home for the funeral, so they flew together - I think this helped tremendously with either one not feeling so alone. As it ended up, she missed the Tuesday and Wednesday of the following week, due to airline snafus (was supposed to get back to campus Tuesday night).</p>

<p>There are a lot of differences in our experiences, though. This was within the first week of school and there were no major assignments due or impending while she was gone. They hadn't had enough time yet. She brought home a couple of books in order to try to remain as caught up as possible on her readings. I think the only time she used them, though, was on the airplane or in the airports. When she was home, she needed to be with her friends, and we fully supported it. We told her not to worry about any grade consequences (we didn't know at the time which absences would be excused or not since she'd not been in touch with any of her profs before she left), that we did not want her to have any regrets about coming home, being with her friends, and processing her grief. Working in this field, and hearing the various stories of how employers and teachers/professors respond to a person's absence when a loved one is dying or has died, I can tell you that for the most part, most people bend over backwards to accommodate someone. But there are occasional people who have strict guidelines and do not compromise, no matter what.</p>

<p>I agree with Soozie in that I think the prof is allowing for absences, but just says it has to count as an absence. I don't think their absence policies are set in mind to give students a free day (although that's what students tend to do) ... they're to use in cases like this, and medical issues. That's why it's wise for students not to use them frivolously, so that when they really need them, they're still there. Even then, sometimes they're not enough. The same semester my daughter's friend died, a couple of months later, she broke her foot. I suspect she missed a few classes here and there. Yea, her grades were not what she would have wanted that term (she was used to all A's in high school, and I think she ended up with A's and a couple of B's), but four years later, she has no regrets. </p>

<p>In the case of attending a funeral, it's not just a matter of missing classes, but when the student returns to school, it may take them weeks or months (and this varies) to process their grief, and they just may not be able to give school the focus they would have ordinarily. And the important thing is you can't judge someone's level of grief based on how close they were to the person who died... there are so many other variables that can make grief complicated. </p>

<p>I guess what I'm trying to say is, have your sister encourage your niece to be kind to herself, and do what she needs to to get through this ordeal. She may find that, even though she attends the funeral, when she leaves all her family to return to school, she may feel particularly isolated from the rest of the family who have each other to lean on. She needs to do what she needs to do, even if that means putting the outcome of a class in perspective.</p>

<p>As an aside, she might want to have copies of the obituary to hand out in case anyone questions her absences. I'd even go so far as to hand one in to this professor, especially if her name is included in the obituary. That way, if something else comes up during the rest of the semester and she needs to miss class again, he won't be questioning her commitment to the class because he will have seen proof she really was dealing with the death of a family member. She might even say, as she hands it to him, "Some others have asked for a copy of this to show that I was really absent for legitimate reasons, so I made extra copies in case you'd also like one." And this can be true, because I have been asked to show copies of an obituary, mostly to airlines and hotels for discounted rates, but it never hurts. The might actually appreciate her doing this, showing that she really cares about how her absences might impact her grades, and that she's not just looking for an easy way out.</p>

11

<p>I totally forgot about this but just last week, my niece missed four days of college. Her grandfather (not my side of the family) slipped into a coma. She went home to be by his side with her grandmother and was there the next day when he died and stayed home for the funeral, thus missing four days. She actually wanted to stay longer to sit shiva (a Jewish custom) but her parents said that wasn't necessary. I asked my sister in law (whose dad is the one who passed away) if my niece was able to get accomodations from her professors and she said yes. This is also at a state U, like the OP is talking about. My niece is a senior.</p>

12

<p>Particularly if the class attendance policy is a common one, with no unexcused absences, but a certain number of excused absences for things like athletic contests or family emergencies, counting the absence seems normal. I think that not granting an extension on the paper, unless it's one that's been announced for weeks in advance, is a little hard-hearted.</p>

<p>But the bottom line is that there's probably no one else to appeal to. Under many faculty governance set ups, the faculty sets academic policy; if they've given themselves the right to set attendance policies, the dean's hands are tied.</p>

13

<p>
[quote]
However, a professor told her that her assignment is still due the day she is gone for the memorial service and he will count her absence against what is allowed for his class.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>A couple of comments.
1. Profs absolutely have the right to set requirements in their own classes. The academic Dean may be sympathetic but cannot override a prof's decision.
2. It is possible that the prof is allowing x number of assignments to count. For instance, in one of S's class, grades will be based on 2 of the 3 assignments scheduled for the class (beside mid-term and final). So students can opt to do all 3 and have the 2 best ones count or do only 2 and take their chances that both will receive high grades.
3. In many math and sciences classes, the worst grades on weekly problem sets do not count toward the final grade. In some other classes I've heard of, both the best and worst grades do not count.
The prof may be following one of the two policies outlined above, so does not feel as if the student is being penalized.
4. Anyone remember watching Truffaut's The 400 Blows? The boy has a heart-rending story about his grandmother dying offered as an excuse for why he did not do an essay. It holds until the teacher meets the parents...</p>

<p>Unfortunately for the OP, the excuse is so overused that profs are leery. See below this tongue-in-cheek "study":</p>

<p>The Dead Grandmother/Exam Syndrome and the Potential Downfall Of American Society. Mike Adams, Biology Department Eastern Connecticut State University ..
<a href="http://www.easternct.edu/personal/faculty/adams/Resources/Grannies.pdf%5B/url%5D"&gt;www.easternct.edu/personal/faculty/adams/Resources/Grannies.pdf&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p>

14

<p>These responses have been very interesting. There are five grandchildren in five different colleges and all of the colleges were very understanding and supportive except the one. Most said the kids had to bring back a copy of the memorial program to submit to their Academic Dean. One of the other families e-mailed a copy of the obituary from the local paper that appeared in the business section to their child's Dean as the grandfather was very prominent in the city and the state where he lived. </p>

<p>So, my sister is hearing that the other grandkids are having no problems with their universities. One of the grandkids got the news of the death right before a major test and the professor is allowing a makeup test. Another is missing an exam and is being allowed to make it up.</p>

<p>I have recommended that if drop/add is not over my niece might want to consider dropping this class and hopefully take it again with a different professor. Considering the fact that this professor has not been supportive it might be best for her as she will be processing her grief upon her return to classes.</p>

<p>Thanks to everyone for their advice.</p>

15

<p>Is there a number of allowabe absences? In that case, as long as she doesn't otherwise plan to exceed them, she should be all right. For example some professors allow say, two absences in the semester. </p>

<p>At this point it sounds like the time she will take (possibly without any positive outcome) trying to fight the decision will be just as hard as getting the assignment done by email or early or some means. Is it an in-class assignment? </p>

<p>If the funeral is important to her, the one assignment shouldn't ruin her GPA. I'd recommend she go. However, does she have an academic advisor? In some schools these advisors are very interested in helping out the students they advise, particularly freshmen. Maybe that person could contact this professor and lend some legitimacy to the situation. In some schools the advisors may be useless, but it might be worth a try at this point.</p>

16

<p>Well I wouldn't let an upset freshman overreact either to the surprising experience of having someone not care much or nurture-comment when she comes to discuss the accommodations she needs. If he rustled papers as she talked, his eyes didn't soften, etc...that's his problem. She should not go dropping classes or engage in feeling he wasn't "supportive." People have all kinds of odd responses to other peoples' sorrow, including acting cold so they don't tap into their own old feelings of loss. If the professor is a cold fish emotionally, s/he still might be a fine academic professor.</p>

<p>I also found that there's a big value difference regarding grandparents. In some families (mine, too) the grandparent is absolutely venerated and it would be unthinkable to miss a funeral or memorial service, nevamind the distance and cost to get there. I was in my early 40's retraining and doing student teaching when my last grandparent died. A tribal elder! But when I went to request excuse from my student teaching days (one Friday) to fly away, the state policy for funeral absences was only for spouse, child, sibling or parent. Of course I went anyway, and had the maturity not to expect anyone to feel anything about my departure except what a nuisance it was to replace me that day. That's why there IS family, because it's warmer than the larger world, but we need both realms.</p>

17

<p>^ Nicepost p3t.</p>

18

<p>This doesn't sound like an unreasonable situation. She can do the assignment early, email it in (which will almost certainly be accepted), or email it to a friend to turn in. I don't know what kind of assignment this is. Sometimes people have to do work in less than great circumstances. If this is some kind of standard, weekly assignment (which this sort of sounds like), then a lackluster job on one probably won't matter much. As others have said, often the lowest grade in the term is dropped. In terms of absences, it sounds as if a certain number of absences are allowed in the term. Some professors set a number of days that students can miss for whatever reason, whether it's a good beach day or the student has the flu. </p>

<p>I believe that more accommodations would be made for the death of a parent or sibling.</p>

19

<p>True Story: My neighbor's son flew home to take gf to homecoming dance at gf's high school. I commented that it was nice that it was a busy time in the academic calendar for him to miss 2 days of college and her reply just stunned me! "Oh, we just told his professors that his grandmother had died, so they let him make up his mid-terms!!" It's too bad the lies of jerks like these ruin things for the rest.</p>

20

<p>Doing the math of five different grandchildren in five different schools, it actually surprised me that, with all those teachers, only one is making it more difficult. But P3T is correct, perhaps this professor did not have close relationships with extended family, and cannot comprehend why someone needs an extended deadline for work in the case of attending a memorial service. It doesn't mean he's not a good professor... in fact, if she drops the course, and retakes it again with another prof, she might end up with someone who is lenient with absences, but is a terrible teacher.</p>