<p>I need to find out if anyone else has ever been in this situation (I am sure they have) and how you might have handled it.
My D begins her freshman year three weeks from today. She will be going to a University 7.5 hours away from home, GA to VA.
The problem is, my Dad, her grandfather is terminally ill. We, of course, do not know how much longer we will have him. It could be days, or it could be months. D is aware that her beloved Grandaddy is not going to get better and has said she would want to come home when he passes. </p>
<p>My concern is that it is so difficult to get adjusted during freshman year, is this the best thing for her. If it is, do colleges let you "make up work" like you can in high school? Also, another issue is that she is afraid to fly. To bring her home without flying is a 15 hour X2 drive for someone. </p>
<p>I would love to hear the experiences of anyone else who has ever been in this or a similar situation.</p>
<p>This happened to me when I was in college. Yes, she should be permitted to come home and yes, most professors will make allowances. But she should be required to fly to minimize her time away from classes. If she has a true phobia, she should work with a mental health professional to get over this. If she doesn't then she should fly.</p>
<p>A potential family loss and dealing with freshman year is not the best time to also resolve a phobia. Is there Greyhound or other bus service from school?</p>
<p>Mom, just don't expect D to spend a lot of time at home. She may just have to come in the day of the funeral, depending on when it is and what is happening with her classes. Instead, encourage her to spend time with family and grandfather at Thanksgiving and Christmas, should he survive that long.</p>
<p>My best friend's S went off to his Freshman year in college - 2000 miles way - knowing that his father had brain cancer, although not knowing "how long" Dad had. Mom, Dad and S flew to the school and spent a few days there during Orientation/parent activities etc. Mom and Dad felt an especially poignant happiness that they were able to make this trip as a whole family.</p>
<p>Dad's death was clearly imminent as Thanksgiving neared. S came home for the holiday and Dad died that Sunday. </p>
<p>The school was wonderful, realizing he would be away from classes for a longer period than the normal vacation - I believe it was about 2 weeks. Professors worked with him to extend deadlines, etc.</p>
<p>I am sure you will find the same understanding.</p>
<p>I hope you will not worry about the airplane issue too much. She will either find she can get over the phobia - perhaps with some prescribed relaxant - or you will find a way for someone to drive her. There are always people looking for a way to help at such a time - perhaps a relative or family friend who lives near her school will step up as driver, if necessary. Bus (or train, if available), would be another alternative.</p>
<p>My opinion: she should be allowed to come home if that is what she wants, but she should not feel pressured to come. Her love for her grandfather will be known by him whether she comes home at that time, speaks to him by phone, writes him a loving note or letter. Whatever works for her and the family is the right thing.</p>
<p>Naneth, I completely understand your situation. My son will be going away to school on the 26th of this month. This week, we called hospice in for my husband's mother. She is very ill and unfortunately it is just a matter of time. Luckily my son is only going 4 hours away. Yet, it is still difficult, at best. My neice is going 1200 miles away. The two of them are really having a difficult time of this. They are excited and nervous about school and worried about their grandmother and families. When their grandfather died 3 years ago, they were both sophmores in hs. They and all of us were part of the dying process. As difficult as the time was, there was such a sense of family (because we were all together) that their memories of that time are very positive.</p>
<p>By going away, they are going to be removed from this. They are both going and will both come back for the funeral. But it is very difficult. </p>
<p>Sorry, I didn't mean to go on and on. I don't really have any advice other than to just keep talking to them about it and let them do what they think is the right thing to do.</p>
<p>In the scheme of life, missing a few days of school won't really make that much of a difference. Being with your family at this important time, will.</p>
<p>Naneth, first, I am sorry about your Dad. Two years ago at this time, I was dealing with a father who had a terminal illness who lived seven hours from me and it was all very difficult. I did not yet have a kid in college. My oldest was a senior in high school. Even that was difficult because I needed to be here to help with the college process and we had various college trips too that fall. In between, I was traveling about every other week to my dad's house to be with him. My kids also had to arrange to go a few times. In fact, his death during Thanksgiving weekend, when we were there but my kids and hubby went back home because my D had a college visit with interviews and appointments right after that weekend and so then they still went to those and the funeral was pushed back a day and they returned. </p>
<p>So, anyway, my child was not at college which is your dilemma, I realize. However, while, definitely NOT the same, a situation arose this past semester for my freshman. In March, my sixteen year old was in a severe car crash and in the hospital. They are close. This happened while the older one was traveling back to college from a week at the National Collegiate Ski Championships in Idaho (she goes to Brown). In fact, I was also traveling back home from having gone there to see her in them. So, my D was beside herself with worry and had to go to college and it was VERY tough for her to be there. She wanted to be at the hospital to see her sister. She realized that she could not afford to miss more school because she had JUST missed an ENTIRE WEEK of college for the ski team which is a lot in college. I know she had a tough time and called throughout the day each day for updates. Then I told her maybe she could come on the weekend but she said she had papers due after that weekend and so she was not sure what to do. Then she took it upon herself to ask those professors for an extension so that she could go home on the weekend and be with her sister in surgery and all the rest. They all were VERY accomodating. You really can't fly from her city to our state and the train/bus combo is like an 8 hour deal, when she is only four hours by car. My husband got a friend to drive 8 hours roundtrip to pick her up and another friend to do the same for the return. People do want to help in such circumstances. My D did come back for that weekend directly to the hospital (which was an hour from where we live so I just remembered, that meant five hours from her college, not four) and I was staying there 24/7 and so she slept there all weekend in her sister's room with me. I know it really helped her to be there. </p>
<p>I shared this because while it was thankfully not a funeral, it was able to be worked out and it meant a lot for my kid (to her) to be there. She needed to be for her own emotional well being. I think if I were you, I'd have my child get home for the funeral, even if briefly. If she truly can't make herself fly, then use other public transportation or see if you know ANYONE who could help out this way when the time comes. I think IF your D wants to be there, I would not deny her that chance. I would not make her come but I would not disallow her to or I would not discourage her. My kids went to see my Dad, the entire family from all directions, including granchildren in Alaska, before school began that year. Then my kids went another time when it seemed precarious (younger D missed PSAT at last second for that trip) and then went at Thanksgiving again, and he died the night they had left to go home (I stayed). I am glad they saw him three times during this period. It was a lot of travel and hard to make it all work out given their schedules and the distance but I am glad it was possible. </p>
<p>I hope you can talk about ways now to make this work for your D to come for either a visit, or eventually, for the funeral. </p>
<p>I'm sorry, I had not seen the previous post by the time I sent mine. But I want to add that all six grandchildren wrote very special notes to my dad about what he had meant to them in their lives and these meant a lot to my dad and he saved them during this time. (My dad lived five months after his diagnosis) This is something your son could do now while his grandfather is still around, or send from college. As it turned out, the eulogy by the rabbi wove excerpts from all six of these grandkids' letters into it. There are ways for your son to stay linked even from afar....phone calls, notes. </p>
<p>Wow, I didn't realize so many people were in this situation.
I am going to be a freshmen in college in two weeks. Unfourtunately, my mother is suffering from cancer and will most likely die within the next two days. We have only known that she is terminal for the past month or so, although she almost died two months ago from a different condition. Luckily, I am going to college only about 4 hours away but it still will be hard for my father who will be living all alone in a house built for four or five. We expect the funeral to be this saturday and then i will have only six days before I go off to school. We are still confused and lost but we have come up with several ways to deal with the situation. I will probably call and e-mail him more often than other students and he will visit me up at school more often than he planned. We are expecting it to be very hard though as we were a very close family and I have not been to my college without my mom before. We've already informed the Dean of First-Year students, who recommended to schedule a visit with Health services soon after I get to campus.</p>
<p>Sorry to say that I don't really have any advice besides the plans that my dad and I have made. But I also echo the OP's questions and ask any of the parents who have had children go off to college what they did do feel less lonely.</p>
<p>I am sorry for the losses that many of you and your children will be experiencing.</p>
<p>Colleges are very empathic to this kind of situation if the students let them know about it and also show some proof such as a funeral program. Unfortunately, there are many students who choose to lie about such situations, so having proof and giving professors early warning will help the colleges respond in a helpful way.</p>
<p>I encourage students who are in this situation to make use of their college's counseling center, which can offer guidance and support, which will be very useful at such a stressful time. The earlier the student connects with the counseling center, the better because it is normal for people who are grieving to be anxious, depressed, stressed, etc., and not to be able to think clearly about their options. Being in a new situation will make this more difficult, so the student should seek assistance as soon as possible.</p>
<p>If the student waits until they feel overwhelmed with stress and depression (typically at midterms or finals), it may be difficult to get an appointment because counseling centers are flooded with students then. The beginning of the semester is the best time to seek help because relatively few people use the services then.</p>
<p>To the parents who are facing the deaths of relatives: Please also consider getting into counseling now for yourself. Most parents do some grieving anyway when their kids go off to college because although the parents are happy for their children, the parents also grieve the end of their kids' childhoods and the beginning of a new stage in the parents' lives. If you are facing the death of a close relative, too, you are coping with much depression and stress, so take care of yourself by getting some professional support.</p>
<p>Rachie, I am so very sorry about your mom. I'm glad you are there at this time. I know how proud she will be of you and what you do in the coming years at college. Take Northstarmom's advice when you get to school to see someone to talk to because of the timing here. What you are dealing with is so difficult without being in a new school that it is more difficult to embark on an exciting new time when you are feeling sad and grieving. Look for support from friends. Thinking of you...
Susan</p>
<p>Thanks to all who have responded. I knew I could count on CCer's.
Rachie, I am so sorry for you. I know how I feel being a 40-something grown woman facing the loss of a parent, I can't imagine what it must be like for you.
Walker and Soozie, thanks for sharing your stories. It does help to know what other people are going through and how they are dealing with it.</p>
<p>Naneth,
We encountered a somewhat similar, but unexpected, situation last yr when D1 was in the process of leaving for college over 2000 miles away. Her 93-yr old great-grandfather hosted a family luncheon for her on July 31st. D1 is the #1 child of his #1 grandson...the latter the #1 child of his #1 son...so, it was a big deal to the patriarch of the family. Everyone had a wonderful time and lots of memories and Kodak moments. That evening, her great-grandfather was rushed to Emergency for an intestinal obstruction. His vitals were so strong that the surgeon operated...surgery was successful and he was on the rebound when we left to accompany D1 to college. We did not plan on seeing her until Xmas. To make a long story short, the surgery was successful but great-grandpa caught a staph infection that saw him in and out of isolation in an assisted living facility for over 3 months. After much thought, and since he passed the week before Thanksgiving, the family planned the service during the holiday...so that D and her cousin could return to CA and join us. Both were insistent on returning. In hindsight, I'm glad we did...so there was closure for them.</p>
<p>First, my sincere condolences to everyone who is suffering through this pain. It didn't happen for us while D was getting ready to go to college, but grandpa, who lived with us, died 3 years ago, and D was part of the planning, etc. We knew in advance, just not when, either. Hospice was at home, etc. D had misgivings about the funeral, etc., but to this day, she is glad that she went through it for her grandpa. Fear of flying notwithstanding, if D feels the need to be there, she needs to be there. Not coming, and then regretting it later is worse than the flight home. And colleges deal with this all the time, and profs work with the kids.</p>
<p>I give my best wishes that everything works out as best that it can.</p>
<p>I lost my grandmother january of my senior year in high school, while we (family) were at a college honor band. For me, it was more relief though. A year before she would cook us dinner when we came over for our weekly visit, and then she got quite sick. She was in a nursing home, and couldn't do anything by herself. I couldn't stand seeing her like that. Someone who was going so strong to come down so suddenly.</p>
<p>As a current college student, I will echo what many have said in that the professors will do the best they can to help in the situation. Especially if they are told early, something along the lines of letting them know that there is a large possibility that the student will have to travel home due to a death in the family, when it happens the professors will be already aware.</p>
<p>I think your D should definitely come home, but I also think it is important to minimize time away from class. Just because the professor gives an extension if your D is gone on a due date, she will not get special exemptions for test material, and if the days missed are review, she misses the review. Each missed class is missed material that will likely show up when the exam comes around.</p>
<p>... if she rides the greyhound and sits by a guy who talks outloud to himself for 9 hours (if it's 7 hours away, the greyhound will stop, and possibly have bus transfers), she might decide to give flying a try. I encountered a guy like that when I rode the bus (I road like, 6+ round trips freshman year probably) once, he was behind me in line and then a few rows in front on the bus, but I could still hear him.</p>
<p>Naneth:
I'm sorry to read about your father.
I second NSM's suggestion that your D alert her advisor when she gets to campus. If she has a freshman advisor, this person will be in better position to advocate for an extension, explain absences, and also suggest on-campus resources for your D to access, as the case may be. She can also mention her situation to her profs early on. Profs are suspicious of last minute excuses, but they are also dismayed when students let themselves be overwhelmed by family or health concerns and do not seek the assistance they could so easily receive. I am sure that profs will be sympathetic and will try to accommodate emergency travel.</p>
<p>My mother was terminally ill with cancer all during my sophmore year - there were many 'close calls', but she passed away during my last round of midterms. My university was only a little over an hour away from home, so I spent most of my free time at the hospital. I emailed my professors and worked out alternate grading schemes after her death so that I'd still be able to complete the quarter. (not completing them would have put me a full year behind since they are only offered once per year). I missed a week of school and had a week before finals to catch up. I was far from being put together, but I didn't trash my gpa luckily.</p>
<p>I'll offer a slightly different view. I think it's possible she should not make the trip if it doen't fall on a college break, especially if she won't fly. My dad died last year right after Christmas. My D has lived 2000 miles away most of her life. She was here for Christmas and we had that time with my dad. I didn't try to bring her back for the funeral. We talked on the phone a lot. Her friends will provide support. Kids are resilient. At the next opportunity, you can have a family gathering and celebrate his life. In the meantime, she can talk to him often. Cell phone time is cheap. In no way do I mean to diminish your loss.</p>
<p>To answer bluealien
She has been on a plane 3 times in her life; the last time being May of 2001 to NYC. She has not flown since 9/11.
I do appreciate everyone's comments. My Dad is not able to speak so all we can do is keep him and my mom company.</p>
<p>I believe this will be a personel decision, based upon your family's emotional needs. I suggest that your daughter speak with her professors about the situation before it happens. I don't know how her college will view time off based upon a grandparents' vs. a parents' death. I know that the company I work for allows 3 days of bereavement leave for a parent, but none for a grandparent. Just something to think about.</p>