This is Vassar’s “How did you learn about Vassar and what aspect of our college do you find appealing? Limit 350 words”
prompt. I am hoping to get some last-minute feedback on it, especially in terms of my ending, which I am struggling with. Thank you for the help. This is my dream, but I have never been so I struggled a bit with this prompt. Here is mine:
I wish that the introduction of this piece could be a wistful depiction of how excitement coursed through my veins as I sat in my car and watched the beautiful scenery of Vassar pass by. I would talk about how I felt after my family parked the car, and how, as we walked to the admissions building, I whispered to my father “this is where I belong.”
My first encounter with Vassar, however, is not as concretely beautiful. It is not an old-fashioned love story, nor a traditionally spontaneous meeting like the one that brought my parents and their parents together. Instead, due to financial constraints, I fell in love with Vassar the same way some modern-day couples fall in love: through online dating. Much like an eHarmony user, I setup my College Board account and began a daunting search for “the one.” I entered all the necessary criteria, but instead of tall, dark, and handsome, I selected small, private, and my intended major. Vassar materialized, prompting an exploration into all the school has to offer.
I discovered Vassar’s close-knit community, and the low student-faculty ratio that promised attention and support. I was introduced to Vassar’s rich culture and creative environment that would challenge my ways of writing and thinking. I explored the plethora of extracurricular groups available and became eager to join Debate Society and Indecent Exposure. I took a virtual tour and visualized myself leaning against a tall oak on Chapel lawn to read a memoir and taking a stroll in Shakespeare Garden to breathe in the fragrance of the plants. During exam week at my own school, I pictured my voice accompanying the ghostly sound of voices screaming in unison during Primal Scream.
I sincerely hope that when I meet Vassar in person, it will be because I am spending the next four years of my life learning and discovering there, walking every inch and getting to know and understand every person I meet.
I love your comparison to online dating! Very clever, and I think it will stand out. However, I think your ending was a little weak. You need to leave them thinking wow. I’m not sure how you’re doing on word count, but I would try adding to that/ changing it. Good luck!
Thanks for the feedback!
After reading many times here is my analysis.
Strengths:
By starting your response with a narration of fantasy-like dream and how that was obviously not the case, as a reader I can already detect a sense of honesty from you that I think the admission officer may appreciate. More importantly however is that your narration indicates an element of self-reflection suggesting a certain “complexity” to your response.
In your second paragraph you used a metaphor that compares your discovery of Vassar with how modern couples meet via online dating. A very resourceful way of saying that you discovered it online. Furthermore, the nature of the metaphor sets the tone of response to be delicate and light. It also allows that “inner voice” to show up briefly which gives some more authenticity to the response.
Your third paragraph transitions into a more expository style of writing which makes sense because your explaining how Vassar appeals to you. In this paragraph I can tell that you are informed on the college or at the very least did some research. Out of the entire essay, “visualized myself leaning against a tall oak on Chapel lawn to read a memoir” is what I believe is the “heart” of the essay. It’s actually a very powerful phrase because I imagine you casually laying against a tree, not doing something crazy or outlandish, but already naturally integrated into the Vassar community. It makes the reader think that you belong there.
Areas for possible improvement
Your word count is at 327, a powerful sentence can contain as few a 12 words, so you should use this opportunity to augment an existing paragraph. Perhaps this is would best be invested into your conclusion.
The ending is simple and it works, but it could be improved to add more sophistication and complexity to your response.
My suggestions
What I think your response needs is a very carefully crafted ending that adds an element of complexity and sophistication. Complexity is what distinguishes it from 95% of most responses. At least in my opinion a response should sound like it’s written with maturity along with some sort of recognition of a pattern, motif or thematic statement that defines you as an individual. To that respect I suggest that your ending be more reflective in nature. Perhaps you should end your response in the same style that you began it, through narration.
Perhaps ending something along the lines: My back lying in the lush grass, the clear sky above and the winds of time blowing gently across the campus, I hope to one day call this my home.