College essay

<p>I've got one more year to revise this, but if you were an admissions officer, what would you say about this essay? Thanks everyone who takes the time to read this</p>

<p>Honors Writers Workshop</p>

<p>Cultural Diversity- How it has impacted me</p>

<p>When I was in elementary school, many Somali immigrants were moving to the Minneapolis area where I was living. Many of the native Minnesotans were very intolerant towards the Somalis, and so were their children. They had a very fearful attitude towards minorities, in that they thought newcomers were evil, and out to take away jobs from Americans. The natives thought that it was their land, and no one else’s. One kid even stated that he “hated” immigrants, because they weren’t white. These attitudes were exemplified even more when a group of parents protested to the school board about minorities going to their school. Many of these new immigrants held on to their old customs, such as going to the mosque. They were made fun of for it. This was very intolerant, because many of the people native to Minnesota were holding on to their own belief system as well. As I saw these kids getting teased for wearing the hijab, a type of headdress, I felt pity, and decided to befriend some of them. Little did I know that these people would become some of my best friends. I met a kid named Aaron, who said that his family left Somalia because they wanted opportunity. Since there wasn’t much in Somalia, they came to America. As I got to know them, I learned about their customs. Many of them were Muslim, and one of the major Muslim beliefs is to not eat pork. At first, I thought it was a bad idea. After all, who would want to live a life without bacon, pork belly, and pork chops? However, as I got older, I would become a vegetarian. I did this by cutting out one meat product at a time. The first one to go was pork. I do not know why it was the first one, considering that at the time, I was a health nut and disliked beef more, but I believe my relationship with my Islamic friends played a role in my decision. It’s funny how that happens. My peers have always influenced me but I tend to be swayed more by those close to me. I believe that we all need diversity in our life. It keeps things interesting. Life is very banal without it. Having the same monotonous makeup of individuals means one will never experience anything new. Soon, one will wish one had more selection. Not only this, but a lack of cultural diversity leads to intolerance. People are naturally scared of what they are not used to. If they are not used to people of different backgrounds, as happened in elementary, than they are generally more hateful and intolerant of others. Then, it is like a chain. The next group of individuals becomes intolerant, followed by the next group, and so on. If I had never met my Muslim friends, I would have never known about their culture, and would have been just as intolerant as the other kids. You should accept me to your school because I am willing to learn and am open to new ideas.</p>

<p>Hey there! First of all you probably shouldn’t post your essay on a thread as anyone could plagiarize it.</p>

<p>Anyways, I don’t know how an admission officer would think of your essay but these are my suggestions for improvement. </p>

<p>The beginning would be stronger if you vividly described a specific incidence of discrimination you saw and your emotional reaction to it. </p>

<p>Eg: My heart sank when I saw the tears well up in his dark eyes… Something like that so that the reader could feel what you’re feeling. </p>

<p>I suggest removing the ending part about you wanting to attend the college bcuz you’re open etc. That should be implied in your essay instead of stated. </p>

<p>I like the stuff about meat and all in the middle but that section needs to be deeper and more personal and passionate. Choose your words carefully to really evoke how much you wish for equality.</p>

<p>Last thing, the part about influence alludes to peer pressure. You need to sound like the decision maker in your life. IMO, I think schools are looking for independent thinkers so don’t put anything that sounds otherwise. </p>

<p>Well you certainly have time to work on this. Good Luck !!! :D</p>

<p>Hey, may I just ask, what grade are you in currently and where are you applying too… I mean, if this is for a normal college, I think it might work, but if u intend to apply to elite colleges, I do not think this is a good enough essay…</p>

<p>Anyway, few comment:</p>

<ol>
<li><p>I don’t think the last sentence fits well with the rest of the essay. I mean, you are talking about intolerance throughout your essay, then conclude that your willing to learn, which is not technically a very good conclusion I’d say.</p></li>
<li><p>I think you could use a more effective opening sentence to catch the reader’s attention. Maybe something like : “Have you ever seen someone getting strangled? If not, then try feeding a Muslim with pork, and you’d probably get the same reaction.” Similarly, maybe use more narrative technique with paragraphs, intro etc, I think it’d flow better.</p></li>
</ol>

<p>Ultimately, this is merely and opinion and I’m not claiming that im right. Anyway, I wish you the best.</p>

<p>Hey! First of all, thanks for the feedback. I am currently a junior and hopefully applying to University of Washington.</p>