I am a few months away from graduating, and I am dreading my school and college overall despite knowing my luck to attend KU.
The first thing I noticed when I first went to college at another school was that everybody seemed to have secrets and gossip in their pockets like high school. I thought it was because I was from another town, but I quickly learned people had more conservative views to my liking. I always felt like I had to play catch-up, and there was still pressure to do anything to fit in and faking your way through to be socially accepted by following other people’s “rules.”
The other people in my dorm knew all the recommended classes, Greek chapters, and clubs to find. I would sit in the dorm lobby, and I would think they would be talking just to sound cool. Later on, I realized they were doing a great job juggling everything in their college life while I was figuring out what I needed to do after not getting accepted into the program I preferred.
When I came back to KU, advertisements were EVERYWHERE that ALL students would find their “clique”/“group”/people". Truthfully, both of my colleges were socially exclusive.
Trying to join an organization, I would feel socially awkward and look or act standoffish or struggling to find the correct words to say. I would always blow my chances at “being accepted” before it would even show.
I felt like I was wasting everyone’s time, and I tried to resolve to make myself as small as I felt for the benefit of everyone involved. After my third year overall, I felt like a waste of space in class and doing my undergrad. I spent my time trying to figure out who and what I really wanted to be, and I realized KU was not offering the best guidance at all.
Being and feeling lonely is constant. I believe it is the main reason behind the deterioration of my mental health. Where are the “people” I was going to find? Why are these called the “best years of my life”? Am I selfish to ask of college what it had promised? Am I lazy for not trying hard enough to carve out a space for myself? I would cry a lot of places. In my bedroom, in a bathroom in a KU building, etc. When I wasn’t crying, I was listening to music on my phone drowning out the noise from the outside world.
Every interaction I have with peers and professors reinforces my feeling of being unwanted.
I feel unwanted here, so I feel I can’t follow up with the people I met. Consequently, I look standoffish and act uninterested in developing friendships.
The pressure to be content in all moments is a product of the lie that college is the “best years” of one’s life. It’s ok to honestly dread certain moments and earnestly despair in others.
It is appropriate to hate college, and it’s not a crime to admit it to yourself and others.
Attending college is like driving: It is a privilege and not a right. I am thankful for what I have learned about myself in easier and harder ways.
College is like playing a card game. You might be forced to play by the rules, but you are not required to like it, too.
I agree that college is oversold as “the best time of your life” for many students. Then they feel they are doing something wrong if they are not completely happy. But you have persevered and are almost done! Look ahead, put lots of effort into determining what comes next, and get some therapy to help with your feelings. There is much more to life than college. Set yourself up for success by talking this all through with a therapist (and your parents if you can) and looking forward to putting your degree to good use. Things will get better! Hugs to you from a Kansas mom of 2 college students.
@MaineLonghorn may have something helpful and insightful to say here.
I would suggest therapy. No, college isn’t always “the time of your life”, but neither should it be a constant struggle to find moments of happiness and satisfaction. A little therapy help now might set you up for better experiences in the work world.