My freshman year got off to a rough start. I had a really hard time making friends and was very lonely and homesick until I met a friend a few months into my second semester. That friend introduced me to other people who I eventually became very close with. Everything got better so quick. When I was at my lowest wanting to transfer or even drop out I finally met these people who I became so close with.
That was 2 and a half years ago and I’m starting to feel the same way I did back then. The friends I was so close to have started drifting away or becoming closer with other people, which is fine, but it leaves me feeling very alone. I have one friend who still actively tries to spend time with me, but she works a nine-to-five, so we don’t really get to spend that much time together. I have a roommate, but we just recently met before we moved in together and she’s really not home all that frequently.
So, as a result, I’m home alone. A lot. And it’s nice at first, the quiet and the freedom to be as loud as you want or whatever, but when it’s every day of my life, it starts to tear away at me. I have a job, and that’s nice, but I’m still coming home to an empty apartment most days without plans for the rest of the day.
I guess I just don’t really know what to do. All the posts I see on here about people being lonely are all by freshmen, and I don’t know how I got here. I feel like I should be above this by now, that I should have more than three friends, but I don’t, and I still just want to go home to my family all the time.
How do you know when you get to the point where you need to talk to someone? How can I encourage myself to put myself out there and meet new people?
Hey…here is some mom advice. Let a friend know tonight if possible. It sounds like you are a little depressed and need a good ear to get you back on track. Sometimes people have no idea that you are feeling blue or lonely. If they knew, they would happily reach out and include you in plans. There are so many meet up groups now I am sure you can find some new friends. I had to start my senior year with all new friends b/c I took five years to graduate. It was better than I thought. Think about what you really enjoy doing - kayaking? yoga? pottery? church/synagogue? Take some baby steps tonight and commit to doing one thing tomorrow. Reach out to a therapist or friend and set something up. List three interests and research how to get involved. Head to a coffee shop and just be around others tomorrow. If you take even one step tonight, I think you’ll feel better. My girls are in and out of therapy and enjoy having someone else to give them perspective. So, let someone close to you know, find at least one interest to check out this week, and make an effort to hit up a coffee shop or something tomorrow while you make your plan to get back on your feet. Feeling blue is real and it is hard to get back on the path, but you can do it.
@erosenthall, I’m sorry that you’re having a rough time. Are you able to identify any characteristics or interests that drew you to the people you became close with? Have you been able to reflect on what you are looking for in friends?
Physical proximity is often a social catalyst when you are a freshman and in a shared living situation, but connecting can be more difficult as you get older if you’re not someone who quickly integrates with random people. However, this can provide an opportunity to really discern what makes you happy in a friendship and proactively try to seek that out.
It’s also hard not to compare yourself to society’s extroverted ideal, or how you think other people at your stage are feeling, but doing so can really drag you down. You might want to consider looking for a therapist. It might be very helpful, especially if you find a practitioner you trust and maybe even like. They would also be able to help you assess whether you are needing some practical tips or maybe nudging/support, or whether you might be experiencing depression.
Wishing you the best.
In addition to what others here have said, I might suggest you find some activities that take up some of your days. Join some new clubs/activities, and really throw yourself into them. Do volunteer work where other students volunteer. Do more than just show up for this stuff - step up and do as much as you can for the organizations/clubs you like.
As others said, proximity helps form friendships, as do common interests. By joining activities you like, you’ll meet others who also like those same things. By doing more than just showing up for meetings, you’ll get sucked into the community of that organization, which can help form friendships. And you won’t be going home as often - you’ll be out and about, which alone can help.