College student wants to know what he can do about his terrible social life.

Parents Forum
1

<p>Personality wise, I am a fairly outgoing guy, I can talk to strangers with ease and am not closed off to the idea of talking to them. I can talk to all sorts of people and have no issues communicating with them.</p>

<p>When it comes to looks, I have had enough evidence to say that I am not an ugly guy (friend used my photo to get into beautifulpeople.com and he made it in easily, parents go out of the way to say I am the good looking person of the family (have three brothers), have been called cute before, etc.). I am not saying this to say that I am a good looking guy, I am saying this to say I am not ugly, in fact I am saying this to say I am just an average looking guy.</p>

<p>But my social life is a joke. In fact I never remember having a good social life at any point of my life. My parents were often busy and never home so I was in daycare, my family moved around a lot when I was little, and the high school I went to was a really bad high school (poor test scores and most students did not go off to college). I don't have any childhood friends.</p>

<p>Everywhere I read how college is supposed to be that time of your life you make the most friends, hook up with different kinds of people, make the closest connections with friends, and have it the easiest because you are constantly around people of your age group.</p>

<p>I just transferred schools at the start of this year, going from a commuter college in North Carolina to an SEC university. Finished my spring semester there and it was a wreck. I ate alone at the dining halls, had no social life, was alone most of the time, did make friends but was never really a part of any social circle, and it was bad.</p>

<p>I always wanted to go on a trip during spring break with new friends or go to events with them but I always end up going places alone.</p>

<p>It has really bothered me. I have a 3.7 GPA in college right now and I have to live with the fact that I have not made any meaningful friendships or had any good friends.</p>

<p>Part of it I can blame on myself as I was living on my own for the first time in Spring and had to adjust to that but a lot of it is me talking to new people and ending up not getting anything out of it (friends to hang out with, people to go to places with, etc.).</p>

2

<p>“Everywhere I read how college is supposed to be that time of your life you make the most friends”</p>

<p>That is simply not true for many, many people. Lots of people don’t make many friends in college. Just like in the rest of life, it really depends on your own personality. Since you report that you have never had much of a social life, going all the way back to day-care, chances are that you aren’t as naturally sociable as you think you’d like to be. Dial back on your expectations that college will somehow change you into a more social creature, and you will most likely begin to develop some friendships. Even just one good friend will make a difference. You don’t need to have dozens.</p>

3

<p>In the fall I would suggest looking into joining a few groups that are of interest to you. Try out three and one or two will stick with you. I always think it helps to have a common interest to bring people together. If it’s a service type of group you’ll work together on projects and that type of setting often fosters friendships.</p>

<p>Best wishes!!</p>

4

<p>Transferring is tough. the freshmen start making new friends when they arrive on campus for orientation, and become friends through dorm activities with their RA’s etc.
It is harder when you arrive later.
Find a few clubs that interest you and use those to meet people and have activities to go to with other people. Do some volunteer work…</p>

5

<p>There are a couple of factors that have probably made it hard for you to experience the stereotypical (and not always accurate) bonding associated with going to college. First, you started at a commuter college, so you didn’t have the freshman year dorm experience. This is not necessarily a bad thing (i would have hated living in close quarters with a bunch of college freshmen), but it does mean that you missed out on this period of intense interaction with other students your age. Second, once you transferred, the students who started as freshmen had already made friends and formed social groups.</p>

<p>This presents you with a challenge; you have to break into one or more of these pre-established groups in order to get the experience that you crave. You need to find your people. The best way to do this is to get involved in an activity (or more than one) that you enjoy. Shared interests and projects bring people together. Sign up for clubs and/or community service organizations. Try intramural sports. Join a musical group. Check out the debate team. Additionally, don’t be a solitary studier. Participate in study groups for your classes. Your grades may be fine without this support, but your participation in study groups will help other students and allow you to connect with them. The social experience you desire won’t just happen; you have to act.</p>

<p>Third, even if you do find yourself with lots of friends, don’t expect this to immunize you from moments of self doubt and loneliness. The folks you see around you who appear to be having such a great time probably share your doubts and fears. You just don’t see this. Don’t put pressure on yourself to be having a blast all the time. It’s an unrealistic expectation, and an inadequate measure of a meaningful life.</p>

6

<p>I agree, the key is interest groups. At an SEC school, there is a group for almost every interest/hobby. Would you like to dance? Outdoor club? Music? Interest group in your major? My son’s social life turned around when he joined the service fraternity (APO) which is at most schools and co-ed.</p>

7

<p>I have never been so lonely as I was as an undergrad though I eventually found friends. Grad school ended up being even worse. Next fall - pretend you are a freshman. Go to mixers, clubs etc. until you find your tribe. They are there, but you really have to join the right group to find them. Do your best to sit down with people in the dining hall and be aggressive about introducing yourself. I am so much better at this now than I was 35 years ago. I just got back from my 35th college reunion and relived much of that looking around the dining hall and thinking, OMG I don’t know anyone, but we are all much better at making small talk now. It’s a learned skill, but really just get started. You’ll say things like “I’m new to college ___, do you mind if I join you?” I promise you no one will say no. Ask what class people are in? Ask about majors, ask where they are from and pretty soon you’ll have a real conversation.</p>

8

<p>Have you thought of starting a club for transfer students on your campus? It’s often difficult for transfer students to find their social niche, so there are probably a good number of transfer students in the same situation.</p>

9

<p>A couple of tips:</p>

<p>First - you said that you made friends but weren’t part of a social circle. Here’s something that I did not learn until much later in life: the people who are always in a social circles, hanging out and doing things with others, are the initiators of those activities. They’ll decide they want to attend a concert or event, and then call up all their friends until they find some who will come with them. In college, they’ll host a party in their dorm room, and invite a lot of people. As the outsider looking in, you have the perception of seeing a social “circle” but actually the hub of that circle is often quite small. </p>

<p>If you aren’t dead broke, you can start by buying event tickets in pairs rather than single tickets-- and then inviting someone to come with you. Don’t be discouraged if the first person you ask is not interested – someone is going to be happy to take advantage of a free ticket. (Yes, that means that you are paying for your guest, but your guest might reciprocate in some way… and that’s another little “secret” of the people who always seem to be surrounded by friends – they are often very generous and they are removing a potential financial barrier for the people they invite. )</p>

<p>If all that sounds too much for you… volunteer. Any organization that relies on volunteers will be happy to have you – and if you are longing for a more social event, then sign up for the type of group events where they are seeking a lot of volunteers on the same day and place.</p>

10

<p>If you’re going to be a senior, it will be hard at school. </p>

<p>I’m terrible at doing “getting to know you things.” However, here are a few things that might help.</p>

<p>Join an intramural sports team. </p>

<p>Volunteer to do scut work. The person who is the floor fire marshall, in charge of recycling, a member of safety patrol,etc. meets people. If there’s an event, volunteer for the clean up crew. You usually get to talk with the others helping as you clear tables, take down decorations, stack chairs, etc. Sometimes people need help setting up too. </p>

<p>If your school has an EMT squad, consider joining. You might take the course this summer. </p>

<p>Look for one-shot community service projects. Wrap Holiday gifts for kids in foster care. Spend a Saturday with Habitat for Humanity. College campuses usually offer many such opportunities. </p>

<p>Be an audience. Go to performances or sporting events that are sparsely attended. Everyone will be at the football game. Maybe there’s a fencing team that nobody watches. Go. Admit your ignorance–say you came to watch out of curiosity. Many people are very happy to explain something they enjoy to a newbie. Also go to theatre and musical performances. While waiting on line, talk to the others near you. During intermission, do the same.</p>

<p>Go to classes early. Talk to others who sit near you.</p>

<p>Wear conversation “prompts.” If you have a favorite band, wear a T-shirt with its name on it. If you hail from a particular place, wear a T-shirt about it or from a store, beach, restaurant, radio station, etc. there. If you’ve gone on vacation to some place interesting, wear your souvenir T-shirt. If you’re a rabid fan of a particular pro sports team or player, wear the jersey. Sometimes, doing this will prompt someone to start a conversation with you about the band, team, city, etc. </p>

<p>If you eat in a cafeteria, do not read or wear headphones if you are eating alone. They act as a “I prefer to be left alone” signal. </p>

<p>Get an on campus job in a service capacity. Work at the campus library at the circulation desk. Check IDs at the gym. Make pleasant conversation with the people you interact with. Say hi to them if you see them around campus. </p>

<p>Practice giving sincere small compliments. Don’t over do it. If you’re in a class where people give presentations and someone gives a good one, make a point of telling him/her how much you enjoyed it. If a girl is wearing a unique piece of jewelry, comment on it. If you saw someone in one of your classes in a play, at a choral performance, say you went and really enjoyed his/her performance. </p>

<p>If you are at all religious, go to services. Introduce yourself to the chaplain.</p>

11

<p>I read the advice given in this thread, all of it. Now I hear about mixers but usually I never end up being invited to them at all for some reason.</p>

<p>As a senior, I have 3 more semesters left for college (taking 1 extra semester due to transfer) and I have to say right now my morale is really hopeless. The limiting belief here is that I am not going to run into seniors and other people my age group for college. It is nice to have freshman friends and I am not the type to feel superior to them but the issue is there is not much we can really relate on. Like for relationships, I had two freshman girls who gave me clear signals they were into me but I want to date a senior girl in college if I get into a relationship. </p>

<p>Like I have no idea what most seniors in college are doing and how I can get more in touch with them and if they are really that snobby to avoid new friends. Just want to get a better idea of this college thing because I had no one tell me anything about it growing up, we just believed you go to college, get an education, and graduate. </p>

<p>It depresses me severely at times how small of a chance in my life I had to get a social life. Just moving around so much as a kid and going to a high school where most kids did not go to college. Now here I am in college with about 2 years left, outgoing, meeting people, trying to talk to them, and I have no way to get that social life going.</p>

<p>My end goal is to be the guy who goes out in big groups, is a part of a big group, sits down to eat with a big group of people, and goes to see movies with a big group of people. I always wanted that but it seems like I can get a good GPA and a good body a social life is impossible for me. Just frustrating.</p>

<p>As for the suggestions.</p>

<p>I have been aggressive in sitting with people at dining halls but that has resulted in temporary people to talk with, they finish eating before I do (they are halfway done when I reach there) and I am sitting lonely alone.</p>

<p>I have joined 1 organization but yes I can do with joining more.</p>

<p>My issue isn’t that I am super sheltered and scared to talk to people, my issue is that I can never make long term goals out of my friendships. That has resulted in me feeling very isolated at times and breaking down into depression on weekends.</p>

<p>Like I experience some success and feel encouraged but then it drops down to an all time low.</p>

12

<p>Transferguy, it sounds like you could benefit from talking to a mental health counselor. Many universities offer such counseling services for free to students or for very low cost --please check into those options. When you say things like, “my issue is that I can never make long term goals out of my friendships. That has resulted in me feeling very isolated at times and breaking down into depression on weekends.” or “I experience some success and feel encouraged but then it drops down to an all time low.” – that sounds like an internal problem for you, not an external problem that can be simply resolved by joining clubs or starting up conversations in the dining hall. </p>

<p>You could be suffering from a mood disorder – if so, that is not your fault and nothing to be ashamed of, but it is on you to seek a diagnosis and possible treatment.</p>

13

<p>I concur with calmom. Please follow her advice. You do not need to keep feeling like this. There is help available.</p>

14

<p>I agree too. I think there’s something else going on here. The reasons you give for not being able to make friends don’t make sense to me. If you can honestly say that you’ve lived the past 19 (I’m guessing) years without having made one significant (not necessarily life-long, but at the very least meaningful at the time) friendship…I would suggest checking in with a professional.</p>

15

<p>i made friends but i just had to move around a bit too so that ended in me not being able to have any good friends</p>

<p>the ones i did make in high school are not in college anymore and i have no idea what they are doing with their lives</p>

16

<p>keeping in touch with friends who aren’t nearby is what letters, the telephone, email, and Faceboom were invented for. Losing track of kindergarten friends is not something that you are responiblr for. Losing track of HS friends is. Write a letter, make a phone call, send an email, befriend an old pal with Facebook. Take charge of this aspect of your life.</p>

17

<p>I concur with the advice that you speak with a counselor on campus.
Continue with your effort to make friends. </p>

<p>I also think you ought to realize that seniors who aren’t actively seeking new friends aren’t being “snobby.” It really isn’t about you.</p>

<p>Senior year is a year fraught with anxiety as kids worry about “What’s next?” They are actively seeking jobs, often by going through on-campus interviews. Some may be making trips to interview with companies they’d like to work for hundreds or even thousands of miles from campus. This eats up enormous amounts of time. They may be studying for the GRE/MCAT, LSAT. They may be applying to law school, med school, or graduate school. (Many study for and take the tests but plan to work for a while before applying.) Many are looking for jobs and studying for these tests and applying to law, med, and grad school simultaneously. They may be focused on getting into the Peace Corps or Teach for America. They are often trying to research and write a senior thesis or project. </p>

<p>And, there’s this overwhelming feeling sometimes that "OMG, if Susie gets accepted into the Peace Corps, I won’t see her for at least 2 years. If Jack ends up in med school out in California and I take that job in New Hampshire, we aren’t going to see a heck of a lot of each other. " So, people cling to the friends they’ve made.</p>

<p>They are just incredibly busy with limited amount of time. Don’t take it personally.</p>

18

<p>ya but I just found out one of my HS friends is in trouble with the law. the other one is rarely online and he isn’t going to go to college. </p>

<p>and thanks for the enlightening post about college seniors, it is a tough pill for me to swallow but I know I have to live with the fact that the whole social life aspect for college might not be a reality for me and most of my friends are going to be either freshman or sophomores</p>

<p>unfortunately, I might have to go through life without ever having that close circle of friends a lot of people have from college. I guess some things are just not meant to be.</p>

<p>parents, I want to thank you for helping me out and trying to offer me your perspective.</p>

<p>I have gotten more than enough information about social life in college but I feel that I have now overstayed my welcome on this forum.</p>

<p>you guys have a good summer and I am off to make what I can with my life.</p>

19

<p>Yes, listen to calmom, stop reinventing yourself on cc and posting multiple threads on the same topic. That wont solve the problem.</p>

20

<p>Although this is about one college, I believe you could easily switch the name and have it apply to almost any college. Those four years of growth take place in and out of the classroom.</p>

<p>[Colby</a> Life - The Documentary - YouTube](<a href=“- YouTube”>- YouTube)</p>