Generic Freshman Problems... advice (long post)?

Student Lounge College Life
1

<p>So, before I go into my issues right now, I want you to know a little about me.</p>

<p>When I was young (up until about 6th or 7th grade) I had major problems with being too shy and having low self-esteem. By the time I got into middle school, I began to really get over these issues. I still would have short outbreaks of pessimism and panics, but I was getting past that stage. I began really growing socially. I don't want to say I was "popular," but as far as friendships go, I was well-off, to say the least. Had my first girlfriend experience, was part of the "jock" crowd for a while. Then high school came around, and things got even better (at least I think so). I grew apart from the athlete crowd, and became friends with more of the marching band, geek crowd. I didn't mind, I was never much of an athlete. So high school really made me who I am now, which is basically this:</p>

<p>I am pretty optimistic. I also value logic and reasoning, which makes me more realistic, but in general I am optimistic. I am a gamer, but not a lonely, be-by-myself gamer. I like to be social with my gaming. I am very philosophical. I absolutely hate the "party" crowd. I tend to enjoy more innocent things. Honestly, I can have fun doing anything that doesn't involve competitive sports, drugs, alcohol, sex, etc. That crowd is definitely not me. I am a musician. I have been a part of several bands, and music means a lot to me. But enough about me, I'm in college now and I have problems.</p>

<p>First off, I can't seem to meet anyone. I have been here for a short time (since last Saturday), but even being the optimist that I am, I am starting to get seriously concerned about meeting people. I have tried to meet people. I walk around campus for hours, I try to talk to people in classes and at the dining hall. Everyone I have met is exactly the same. The conversation always leads to the same thing: "Yeah, I just want to **** a lot of girls and get wasted every night." When the conversation doesn't go that way, it's because we aren't clicking on any level. I'm starting to get seriously worried about this, but I try to keep reminding myself that I will meet people in the clubs I join (I've already emailed several club leaders about joining). I am banking on this idea. If I do not start meeting people when the clubs start up, I will seriously consider dropping out and going to community college, where some of my friends are. I am almost always a happy person, and this is the first time in many, many years where I have felt seriously depressed. </p>

<p>My second, and only other problem, is my roommate. Now, we get along just fine. He's friendly around me, we talk, it's all good. The problem is that he is one of the "party" guys. Automatically this means that we will never develop a real friendship, and I'm okay with this. The problem I have is him coming to the dorm every night at 2:00-4:00am with a girl and keeping me up, or just making the living situation horrible for me. The other problem is that he is into drugs. I'm not clear on how much he uses drugs (other than alcohol), but he made it pretty clear to me that he likes to sell them. I have no idea how to handle this situation. Until it becomes a bigger problem, I don't want to report him or try to change roommates. Like I said, we get along. He's nice. I would feel like a huge ******* if I screwed up his situation here. I don't want to be "that guy" who ruins his fun. I'm considering going to the school's counseling program and seeing what advice they give me, but in my current state I'm really in no mood to do anything. </p>

<p>This whole experience has taken away from me everything I loved. I established great friendships with many people. I have a family that I love. I miss all of this. Instead it has been replaced with a campus filled with people that don't get me, and a roommate that will prove to only be an obstacle. College is beginning to bring back the nervous, shy, low-self-esteem, pessimistic boy that I used to be. This is scaring me. I know that I have not been here long, and I'm not freaking out yet (even though parts of this post really makes it seem like I am). But I'm just beginning to get worried.
What if I don't find friends here?
What if my roommate situation gets worse?
How bad of an idea is it to drop out if things don't get better?</p>

2

<p>You seem pretty judgemental of people who like to party, or partake in things you don’t enjoy. It’s perfectly fine that you choose not to use substances or party, but just because someone does, it means you will “automatically never develop a real friendship?” Are you really so willing to write people off like that? That’s like saying that if someone enjoys soccer, then you can never be friends. Some people like to party. If they tell you about that, it doesn’t mean “you aren’t clicking on any level,” they’re just talking about a common thing many people do. It’s fine that you don’t, but it’s generally a pretty common thing. To me it seems like the reason you can’t meet anyone is because you aren’t willing to look past what people choose to do in their spare time. I like to party, but I like to do lots of other things, and so do most people, even if they also like to do drugs or drink. </p>

<p>As to your roommate situation, you are creating a “what-if” situation. I’d only worry about it if it came to that, but you can always try to switch rooms. I always say the best thing is to talk about any problems you might have. It’s perfectly okay to tell him you are afraid of having illegal drugs in your room. It is a shared space, but you have some rights to. (Just remember he also has rights.)</p>

<p>I’d say, just open your mind a little. If the party scene at your school is large, most people are going to want to party. But I party and I have friends that don’t. People are more than the substances they use. Stop writing people off, and you’ll meet people.</p>

3

<p>I don’t think you understand the scope of the problem. </p>

<p>Look, I don’t mind if you like to party. That’s fine. It’s only a problem when you only like to party. When I say that the people I have talked to like to party, I mean that’s the only thing they care about. I try to steer the conversation elsewhere (“so, what’s your major? What are your hobbies?” etc.), but it’s literally the same thing every time. “My hobbies? Drinking and sex.” That’s it. I try to talk about music, or they ask about my hobbies, and the response is basically “oh, that’s cool. Let’s talk about chicks again.” You’re going to have to take my word on it when I say that I am a very open-minded and social person. The bottom line is that I do not click with the hardcore party crowd. I never have, and I really doubt I ever will. I don’t see why that should be a problem. In fact, I’m extremely confident that it isn’t a problem, as I had a fantastic social life up to this point without ever stepping foot in a drinking party. If it is a problem, then that just makes my situation much worse.</p>

<p>It’s not so much of a “what-if” situation because it is already happening. Every night, excluding the first night, he has came back to the dorm after 2:00am with a girl.</p>

<p>Again, you really have to trust me when I say that I am not the type of person to simply write people off. Really, that’s not me. I simply can’t enjoy myself at drinking parties, so when I learn that a person’s only real hobby is… drinking parties, I already know that we won’t become good friends. We’re just a part of two dramatically different crowds.</p>

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<p>Focus on your academics and join clubs where you think you will meet people similar to yourself. Unfortunately for many students the situation you describe is true. Don’t worry about what other people do, party or how they live their life. If you don’t worry so much about fitting in and friendships but instead focus on academics and joining clubs, study groups etc. the friendships will happen. Although their are a lot of students that want to party, there are those that don’t, you just haven’t met them yet. It will happen, be patient, and in the meantime keep your calendar full with studies and activities, the rest will happen. Volunteer, talk to professors finding out if they need help. Don’t sit in your room dwelling on this or you will drive yourself into depression. Run, exercise, keep busy and don’t try too hard, some things happen naturally over a course of time. Good Luck!</p>

5

<p>Well, first of all, you sound a little too much like me. It’s almost creepy (but not).</p>

<p>Anyways, to your first point, welcome to the said realization that most people are idiots. This really isn’t going to change even after college, so if you want to be friends with these types of people, you might want to adapt, like I do at some points. However, DO GO TO YOUR CLUB MEETINGS. There will probably be more interesting people in there that you’ll have an easier time relating to. If not, then seriously, don’t drop out. The worst that could happen is that you just tough it out for four years, get your degree, and move on. That is your primary objective, after all. Social functions come second.</p>

<p>For your second point, you’d better talk to this dude about all of the problems you have with him. Being miserable is worse than being “that guy”, trust me. Also, tell him to keep the drugs out of the room (in a nice way, of course). If an RA walks in and finds them, you could be implicated too, and that will mess you up big time.</p>

<p>So, my general advice is to just trust in yourself, and be yourself, and that’s the best you can do, really.</p>

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<p>try to change rooms</p>

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<p>kpwp01 - I appreciate the optimism, it does make me feel a little better. Basically that is the conclusion I’ve come to (“be patient”), so I guess that helped to confirm that idea, haha. It’s just hard going from being happy with everything to a completely new and unknown situation, but this is something all people go through when they enter college. It would be easier if I knew at least one person. </p>

<p>ABR1190 - I’m not sure how easily I could “adapt.” These last four years I have become really confident and comfortable with who I am, my philosophies on life, my morals, and all that jazz. Understanding those kinds of things became very important to me. I really wanted to understand myself, and I honestly and truly believe that I do now. As for “toughing it out,” I don’t know if I am strong enough to handle that. I really thrive on family and friendships. However, I have been talking to my parents, who fully supports all my options (possibly dropping out and attending community college for a year or two if I become too miserable here). In fact, they seem to be more for it than I am. My parents are the kind that really can’t stand to see me sad. But I have basically told them that I don’t want to be a quitter and drop out. At least not in the first year. As for the roommate, yeah… I need to work that out. The funny thing is, we were doing our “roommate agreement” sheet, and I just told him “hey, can we agree to keep the drugs and alcohol out of the dorm?” He agreed, but he hasn’t gotten rid of the drugs.</p>

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<p>join a learning community or residential college if your university has them. and do lots of clubs, that’ll be a good place to meet people</p>

9

<p>@Melomania</p>

<p>Wow, you sound like a split image of me. I had a lot of long time friends before college and a girlfriend for a while. I did a bunch of sports, I was in the marching band, I’m a totally optimistic yet realistic person, I play video games for fun, and I don’t do drugs or drink. And also, it took me a long time to find any good friends in college. It seemed that everybody found their group of friends right off the bat besides me. I’m a totally open and friendly person so it seemed strange to me. My roommates were less than fantastic too and nobody from my high school is going here. A lot of days I was just bored and I couldn’t go home or anything because I live so far away. It wasn’t until about halfway through the first year until I got my first real friend. Also around that time, I joined the university’s pepband and ended up making great friends from that although not right away. If you keep being an open person, you never know when you’ll find your new best friends. Now I’m thrilled to go back to school because I’ll be living with my best friends next year. I know you haven’t been there long, just give it some time. Definitely don’t drop out before the year is over.</p>

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<p>By adapt, I mean deal with these people in a way that suits you. You don’t necessarily have to be friends with these people, nor should you if you don’t want to be friends with them. You’ll be dealing with these people a lot, though, I guess is what I’m saying.</p>

<p>And I’m the same way. I absolutely love my family. I have a great relationship with both of my parents and my sister, and I have good friends back home. They’re five hours away from me, and although it really sucks to be away from them, it’s been good for me to grow up on my own and expand my horizons and maturity that I never would have had I just went home after I hated my first college. If you think it’s the best decision for you, then by all means, go to CC. But, if you’re anything like me, you’ll be glad you went away. My parents really hate to see me sad as well, but they realize that in order for me to grow to my potential, I need to go to school away from home. Your parents are different, but that’s my opinion…</p>

<p>About your roommate, haha, well, if you get really ****ed off at him, then you could hold him to the agreement. I would suggest to change rooms if you can, though.</p>

11

<p>Yeah, that’s the thing. I know that staying here is something I should do. It really is a great growing experience, whether the experience is painful at first or not. It’s just hard.</p>

<p>I’m sending my school counseling program an email now about setting up a meeting to discuss possible room switching or something. We’ll see how that goes.</p>

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<p>I think you would do better with the honor crowd.</p>

13

<p>Have you tried having a conversation with your roommate about the different lifestyles you guys lead? I remember my roommate and I laid ground rules at the beginning of the year. Maybe you could talk with your roommate and let him know you’d appreciate him taking sexual activity to his partner’s room because you want to sleep or whatever, keeping drug use out of the room, and other things you’re concerned with (without being accusatory). If it becomes a problem talk to your RA about it. </p>

<p>I’m interested in many things people in my dorm weren’t interested in, so I feel like my experience was similar to yours. In the first few weeks I would sit alone in my room and skype with my friends back home to complain that there is no one here who likes the things I do, I’m alone, blah blah blah. As a few unhappy weeks passed by I realized I was stuck on finding the “right” people and that prevented me from getting to know the very interesting people that I had previously written off for whatever reason. And then I found that the people I met who did like the things I do weren’t people I really clicked with. We had short conversations about our interests but nothing further than acquaintances.
Many of my closest friends now are all very different people. This is simply my experience, so I know yours has many factors that makes it different. But I guess my advice right now is to not beat yourself up about anything, and be open to whoever comes your way. I know this feeling sucks but try not to worry about it so much. This is life experience. You’re going to become a better person for it. I am positive you will find your niche because you seem like an interesting, sociable person. I didn’t find my good friends until weeks into school.
Have you met everyone in your dorm yet? There must be a lot of people there, at least a few who aren’t interested in solely partying? Keep your door open, play some guitar or whatever instrument. Music draws people in, especially the kind of people who are heavily interested in music. If you have a dorm chat list maybe you could send an email out, “hey i’m going to do this and this or whatever event or activity that is interesting to me. anyone wanna come?” You might get some replies that’ll introduce you to people with similar interests. </p>

<p>As for dropping out, please don’t do it. Not yet. You’d be giving up so easily! You are different from the majority of your student body but you seem to remain confident in who you are. That’s the best part about your situation, that you aren’t compromising yourself. Dropping out can be your solution if you feel like it is the only way to make yourself happy, but don’t do it until you’ve had more time at your college to see how things change. </p>

<p>Well that’s my input and I hope even a sliver of it will lift your spirits in some way or make you feel less desolate. I wish you the best of luck!!</p>

14

<p>CC drinking game:</p>

<p>A shot everytime someone makes a thread about having a hard time meeting people.</p>

<p>Very emo. You’ve been there a week. Did you expect to just meet your life long friends a week into school? Read the million other posts about the topic. It takes a semester or so to meet people, not just a week. Seriously, be patient. How long did it take for you to meet your good friends in hs? surely not just a week. Be realistic.</p>

<p>The drug thing:</p>

<p>Tell him you’re not down with it, and you won’t take the fall for him if the room is searched. It will be obvious it’s him. A kid will get caught then rat out your roommate, not you, so don’t be worrying so much. You could even extort him.</p>

<p>Try and be more open minded. It’s good to have connections, even if you don’t use drugs. It’s a good in with people, but I guess you think anyone who parties or has fun in that way is unworthy of friendship. A lot of people party in college, if you won’t be friends with someone because they have a few drinks at a party, you are immature and close minded, and you will continue to have trouble making friends. People probably pick up on your judgemental vibe, and you probably inadvertantly talk down on others, which probably turns off potential friends. I have good friends who are 100% straightedged, and they are cool going to a party and not drinking, and realize drinking or partying doesn’t make you a bad person.</p>

<p>People party because it’s one of the last times we can be reckless and irresponsible. You’ll have some bros, but there’s a lot of diversity at schools. We have a wide range of people and we only have 4,000. Seriously, be patient. It’s stupid to expect to have your college long group of friends after a week. </p>

<p>Maybe you should talk to your actual roommate about these problems, not CCers. My roommate sucked, and not addressing the problems early on made the year long. He won’t know he’s doing anything wrong until you talk to him. People aren’t always considerate.</p>

15

<p>Your social life may start slow, but it really picks up pretty fast (at least in my limited experience thus far, as a college freshman).</p>

<p>I joined a club last week - a political interest thing - and met maybe 15 people. Of those 15, I really clicked with maybe 5 or 6, and those 5 or 6 introduced me to a bunch of other people. Things start to cascade really quickly - after all, almost everyone is in the same scenario you are in.</p>

<p>I have no clue what to say about the roommate, though. Mine is basically the most anti-social fellow I have ever met.</p>

16

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<p>Yeah, this happened at around the same time last year as well. People joining the site every day to post about their problems in college.</p>

<p>My suggestion was to make a stickied thread at the top of the board where n00bs could go to vent and commiserate with each other. A “quarantine,” if you will. Obviously, the mods didn’t implement this suggestion.</p>

17

<p>Stop focusing on what other people are doing and concentrate more on what you want to do.</p>

<p>Yes, Freshman do party a lot and drink a lot over most US campuses.</p>

<p>Haven’t you realized by now the majority of the human population on planet Earth can be easily herded?</p>

<p>Look at the whole College propaganda. The partying and alcohol is merely a byproduct of the culture and what the young students see on Television.</p>

<p>At any rate, if you don’t like what the herd does then why exactly are you going to College in the first place?</p>

<p>That is something I should have asked my eighteen year old self.</p>