Try to let go of the guilt. You can (and IMHO should) apologize to your son for letting him think things would work out financially, but then forgive yourself and your husband and move on. Tell him you support his choice and will help if you can. Ignore the piercings. Tell him you love him and are proud, but remind him he needs to pass so he can graduate. I hope the counselor can help and that you feel better soon (and that he stops acting out).
Let me make sure I understand this situation correctly. @Guiltymom doesn’t know her 17-year-old son’s SAT scores because he refuses to tell her. She was also kept in the dark about his grades until recently. Yet this son has been letting the family endure turmoil about paying for a dream school for months when he had to know for a good part of that time that he was certainly failing one class and probably failing another (which would have resulted in his admission getting rescinded anyway), and OP should not only pay for his college and associated expenses, but not call him on the behavior? Wow. That wouldn’t fly here, not at all.
Ignoring the cause of his problems won’t make it go away. There needs to be some accountability, and if the son is allowed to hide his grades and test scores then blame his parents/finances when it’s too late to do anything about the real problem (his grades), that’s not making him accountable for his actions. If he repeats that mistake at cc, it will affect his transfer options. As a parent, I’d want to know what went wrong. Did he need help but not ask for it? Was there a gap in his knowledge that was never addressed but that needs addressing before college? Is there an undiagnosed learning disability? Before I spent thousands of dollars on college, I’d want to know the answers to those questions.
I’d also want to know why the son allowed the family to spend months arguing over finances while he withheld the very important fact that he was failing 2 courses. How does he expect it to work going forward? Mom isn’t the one who needs to regain trust here; the son does. Does he think mom and dad are just going to write checks for tuition, and books, and car insurance, and whatever else he wants without some accountability? I wouldn’t pay for anything unless my son agreed to some nonnegotiable ground rules. Maintaining a 3.0 GPA every semester would be one. Acknowledging everyone in the house, no matter how angry he might be, would be another. Allowing him to get away with secrecy and outright rudeness doesn’t help anyone. I think some calm discussions are necessary to form a solid plan to help him move forward. And without understanding the past, moving forward successfully is going to be more difficult.
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Actually, in this case, I think that it would probably be more constructive to first try to redirect, as in “That, like your HS performance, is water under the bridge. Why don’t we concentrate on seeing where you can go from here, and making sure that you can achieve what you want going forward?”
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I think that is an excellent response to a child who is normally reasonable. Obviously, I don’t know this child or family, but since the dad has been very indulgent and it sounds like he has countermanded the mom on numerous and important occasions, it is likely that this child needs to specifically hear that HIS ACTIONS are the main reasons why he won’t be going to that school (not in a cruel way, but a reality-check way)…and then transition to the redirection of having a plan to move forward.
I agree with @austinmshauri this “pat him on the head” with no accountability wouldn’t fly in my home either.
OP you mention ‘kids’ - are the other kids older/younger and how is this situation with your now 18 year old son affecting the others?
It sounds like you have had to be the parent while your H wants to be the good time dad. However it sounds like you will want to deal with both of you coming together on an academic plan for S. One that works with your budget and his academic progress.
Hang in there OP. Counselor may be able to help you with sorting through and help with some coping skills and perhaps some dialog points with H and S. I know you are worried. Keep telling your S that you love him even if he is angry with you.
I hope your son pulls through this and can get back on track.Many 18 year olds think they have a ticket to adulthood, but they do not have full adult responsibilities (like paying their costs - room and board, car/car insurance, cell phone, all other expenses that are covered by parents). Once they mature to realize that their parents are working for their best interest, and communicating well with them - the tantrum and mantra ‘I want what I want’ is not acting like a mature 18 year old.
I also agree that S is trying to feel good about himself. Hope he can accept the guidance to finish up HS and go the next steps.
2 hours including traffic, parking, and walking to class? In the L.A. area this university could be like 15 miles away.