This student made a compromise choice. He wanted to be further from home. He didn’t want a CC. Mom wanted the CC close to home. The kid took the middle road…CC, that is farther away than the closer one.
@Psata82 the CCis affordable in everyone’s eyes. The four year school was not affordable according to the mom.
I don’t see this as “sticking it” to the parents at all. He compromised…one point for the mom (CC) and the other for him (some distance).
With 112 community colleges and 23 CSUs in California, the 3rd closest community college could be significantly closer than the closest CSU. The OP said earlier that there were 3 CCs that were close enough to not be terrible for commuting.
This is what the OP said…
*My S told me last night that he enrolled at CC far from our house. I suggested when we had a meeting last sunday to go to the CC ( best school) near our house so he does not have to take the freeway and no traffic. *
She used the terms far from our house and near our house to distinguish between her preference and the son’s final selection of a Community College. In our state, with roughly 28 distinct Community Colleges (delineated by counties), each with multiple sub-campuses (some as high as 12 or even more), the commuting distance to most campuses are within a 5-10 mile radius of most households. IMHO, near would imply a commuting time of between 10 - 20 minutes and far would be anywhere from 45 - 60+ minutes (would need to access the freeway).
The OP also stated that …
But I guessed he chose the other CC maybe because he is still mad at me.
I think my “sticking to” comment was piggybacking off the above comment, which I happen to agree with. The OP indicated that the CC near their home is the “best school” (by whatever measure, she is using), so I fail to see where the compromise is, when the son has acceptable alternatives within close proximity to their home.
Hello again,
I just thought I should give you all an update. I have been depressed since this issue we have in my family. Last night I saw my S’s grade and he got an “F” in Statistics. This is the first time in his school years that he got an “F”. I did not confront him about it yet, because he still angry with me. In addition to this, he got ear and nose pierce and he has been going out with his friends after school and come home before dinner time. He does not do this before, so I don’t know if this is his way of getting a revenge because he did not get what he wanted, or maybe because he just turned 18 last week and he thinks he could do whatever he wants to do. I will contact his teacher and ask if he could sill graduate this month. I hate everything that happened. I wanted to blame my husband for not supporting me how to raise our kids and how to discipline them. We have this parenting problem ever since my kids were little. I feel sorry for my kids, maybe they wish to have different parents. My family is falling apart and I don’t know how to save it without my husband’s support. I am seeing a counselor next Tuesday, I cannot do this alone. I’m sorry, but I think my message is not related to my topic anymore. I just wanted to share my feelings, my thoughts with you all. Thank you again for your input/comments/advice.
Hello again,
I just thought I should give you all an update. I have been depressed since this issue we have in my family. Last night I saw my S’s grade and he got an “F” in Statistics. This is the first time in his school years that he got an “F”. I did not confront him about it yet, because he still angry with me. In addition to this, he got ear and nose pierce and he has been going out with his friends after school and come home before dinner time. He does not do this before, so I don’t know if this is his way of getting a revenge because he did not get what he wanted, or maybe because he just turned 18 last week and he thinks he could do whatever he wants to do. I will contact his teacher and ask if he could sill graduate this month. I hate everything that happened. I wanted to blame my husband for not supporting me how to raise our kids and how to discipline them. We have this parenting problem ever since my kids were little. I feel sorry for my kids, maybe they wish to have different parents. My family is falling apart and I don’t know how to save it without my husband’s support. I am seeing a counselor next Tuesday, I cannot do this alone. I’m sorry, but I think my message is not related to my topic anymore. I just wanted to share my feelings, my thoughts with you all. Thank you again for your input/comments/advice.
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Last night I saw my S’s grade and he got an “F” in Statistics. This is the first time in his school years that he got an “F”.
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Well, your son’s admission to his CSU would likely have been rescinded anyway. Be sure to remind him of that if he continues with his stubborn behavior.
is this is 3rd quarter grade or what?
I’m glad that you’re going to see a therapist. You’ve had to be the “bad cop” in the family while your H has been playing “good cop”. It’s not been fair to you.
Someone asked a good question upthread…when your son registered for the CC, did he use a credit card?
He did not register yet. He only sent the application online. The registration will start in July. I’m sorry if I said he registered/enrolled in my previous post.
Like mom2collegekids said, the university idea is probably not an option. I am glad that you are seeing a therapist. Hopefully this therapist can help set your family in a good direction.
Although you are upset about your H’s lack of support, consider that a family works as a system- which involves all members. Your relationship with your husband has an effect on the family, so it isn’t necessarily all his fault, or all yours. When there is inconsistencies between the way the parents discipline, it can be confusing for the child.
It’s a general truth that we can’t change another person’s behavior, but in a system, when one person changes, it can possibly result in a change in the system. Going to therapy will help you, and help you relate to others. However, even if your husband is at fault, focusing on personal changes can be more effective- since you can control your behavior better than that of others. Although your are concerned about your son, therapy can benefit you and your family.
He is 18 now, and doing the work of completing high school is up to him. I think that can also be done at a CC- surely there are statistic classes. Is the grade because he is mad at you? I think that grade is the result of an entire semester, not the recent argument but you can check to see if it was the last few weeks. Piercings and going out with friends? Sounds like a teen who wants to be accepted. Doing well in school is a component of self esteem. When a student loses the academic component, he/she could look at other means to getting accepted. I don’t care for piercings, but in the grand scheme of things, I would be more concerned that it could be part of the change in academics and attitude and look for things like depression and/or drug use.
I think the counselor is in a good position to help your sort the family issues out, as well as decide how to live with an adult child, set household rules and determine the consequences in the case that he doesn’t comply with them. You certainly can set rules over use of the car, friends in the house, and any substance abuse, however, I think that older teens also need more autonomy as far as curfews and making their own decisions.
Well, ultimately,YOU didn’t shoot down his enrollment at his “dream school”. HE did. With an F in addition to the D, his admission would have been withdrawn. So, if he ever says he couldn’t attend his dream school because of you, just remind him that no, he couldn’t attend (regardless of your position) because HE got an F - and in California, that means being rescinded. So, in short, you “saved” him from having no school to go to after HE got himself in trouble. 
In any case, he got to pick his community college. It doesn’t matter whether it’s close or not, or whether it’s “good” or not. He made a choice and nowcan’t “blame” anything on you. He can “own” his choice and that’s good for him too - showing autonomy and also important with his friends.
As for the piercings, it’s his way of rebelling. These days, many kids do that - tell him. Seeing you unfazed at it and saying how common that is for kids will take the wind out of that little rebellion.
In the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t matter which CC he goes to or if he has piercings.
What matters is whether he’ll graduate HS and whether he’ll be able to complete his IGETCs and transfer to his chosen CSU. You can say you’ll pay for tuition if he gets into a CSU, and if he maintains a 3.0 in CC every semester you’ll pay for R&B for 2 years at any CSU or UC he can get into.
That way, you’re not the bad guy. You take into account your son’s feelings, but you also lay things out clearly for him. (Be precise: r&b “for 2 years”, 3.0 every semester - and not just “cumulative” - because I know kids like him and they may flounder with a 2.0 and think “well, I’ll get a 4.0 next semester, all is fine”. And of course they don’t get the 4.0 the following semester because going from 2.0 to 4.0 is virtually impossible and all the magic thinking won’t make it happen.)
http://admission.universityofcalifornia.edu/counselors/transfer/advising/igetc/
https://secure.csumentor.edu/planning/transfer/lower_div_ge_req.asp
Talk with your husband to make sure he’ll back you wrt your son getting decent grades at his CC - I’m sure he’ll readily agree on the “paying for 2 years of tuition at a CSU if son gets into a CSU”, and on the “3.0 GPA every semester at CC = R&B for two years at any CSU/UC he can get into”. You can revisit the level of support later if your son keeps to his end of the bargain
When you go to his school, ask for his transcript and his SAT scores. It’s an important part of the puzzle and you want to have that with you if need be, in order to have tangible proof a CC isn’t a bad idea academically and financially.
You are not the reason he can’t go to university, but he may use you as an excuse to save face with his friends. I have told my kids that if they feel in a bind and don’t know what to say, that they can use me as an excuse. " My mom is so mean she won’t let me". This takes the heat off them. Of course, ideally, they need to be able to stick up for themselves, but during the adolescent years, facing their peers can be tough. This can take the pressure off them at the moment.
I think, in the middle of anger and disappointment, a teen can be so angry that it seems they hate their parents, however, over the long run, I don’t think many of them do. It isn’t easy to stay calm in the face of this anger, but being a calm, loving, but firm parent is what they need at the moment. Hopefully, your therapist can help you with your relationship with your now young adult son.
I sincerely wish you the best of luck with the counselor, and hope you feel better.
I am so thankful that I found this parents forum. You are all very supportive and your comments help me a lot to understand the situations I’m in right now. It also helps me understand my son’s feelings. You guys do not even know me, but you all gave your time to read my post and shared your comments and advice. I Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.
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Although you are upset about your H’s lack of support, consider that a family works as a system- which involves all members. Your relationship with your husband has an effect on the family, so it isn’t necessarily all his fault, or all yours. When there is inconsistencies between the way the parents discipline, it can be confusing for the child.
It’s a general truth that we can’t change another person’s behavior, but in a system, when one person changes, it can possibly result in a change in the system. Going to therapy will help you, and help you relate to others. However, even if your husband is at fault, focusing on personal changes can be more effective- since you can control your behavior better than that of others. Although your are concerned about your son, therapy can benefit you and your family.
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This is very true, but while it may not be all one spouse’s fault, there certainly are situations where one spouse is not mentally healthy (impulsive, too lenient, too indulging, self-serving, inattentive, or worse), and even if the other spouse is a saint, there is going to be serious fall-out manifesting in the family.
@guiltymom The best thing would be if your S received a letter from the CSU rescinding his acceptance. I really don’t think it is a good idea for YOU to point out to him that he would have been rescinded, and that HE was the one who screwed up. I think he knows that already. You don’t need to rub his face in it. His pride and sense of self-worth are in tatters right now. Where does he go from here is the question. I think that you need to help him rebuild on a solid foundation. I think that your support, both emotional and financial, at the CC will help start that process.
He is obviously acting out right now. He’s a kid, he’s immature, he’s at an age when kids want and need to start growing some real independence. Going away to school helps a lot of kids do so. That’s off the table for him right now. But he is not alone: lots of kids start college living at home. Your next challenge is going to be figuring out household rules that give him more independence and don’t treat him like a HS kid, but don’t go to far in the other direction. There are parents here who have experience with that. (I have to say that I abhor piercing and tattooing, but there are perfectly fine young people on CC who have both. Hopefully, his rebellion will stop there!)
I am so glad that you are going to therapy, and I hope you find it helpful. Even if your H does not participate, it can give you the tools to recognize negative patterns of interaction between you and to break that pattern from your side.
Best of luck to you.
BTW, I agree that you should go to his school and make sure you have his records, including his SATs, so that you know what you are dealing with going forward. I hope you can still get them.
That would be the best thing, but since he hasn’t enrolled in the school, they are not going to rescind his admission. I do agree that any parental told-you-so would be pointless and counterproductive. He is where he is. He’ll be at the community college in the fall, and perhaps in the summer as well, and he can go from there.
Yeah, don’t say anything about being rescinded. It comes across as just plain mean and will do nothing but fuel the war he has against you. He knows that F would not be acceptable… he’s probably secretly relieved at a lower pressure chance to start over.
I agree with you, mom2collegekids, in fact, I think in many cases there is one spouse with more obvious issues, and this can lead to problems. In the end though, if the couple is staying together, the other spouse has a better chance of effective change on his/her behavior than that of the spouse with the larger problem. I also think that spouses are inevitably sympathetic and want to help, but therapy can help them learn the best way to help.
The history of AA is a good illustration of this. Years ago, they found that AA helped alcoholics. The spouses were assumed to be the ones without the problem but then a pattern of enabling was seen. These spouses had good intentions. They thought they were helping the alcoholics get better, but their “helping” was not helping them recover. So Al anon was created to work on this aspect.
In some cases, the alcoholic is in denial and refuses to seek help. The spouse- and the family, can still benefit from therapy. When one person changes, it can sometimes shift the family into making changes too.
I guess I’m a mean parent. Because of my child said to me, “I could’ve gone to X school but you wouldn’t let me,” I would say, “sorry, but the D and F that you got were the what kept you out of that school.”
I think parents do a disservice when they allow their kids to be in denial or blame others for their own mistakes.
I don’t think we are advocating letting him get away with continued accusations. Just not “pointing it out” to him unprompted, as a couple of people seemed to be suggesting.
Actually, in this case, I think that it would probably be more constructive to first try to redirect, as in “That, like your HS performance, is water under the bridge. Why don’t we concentrate on seeing where you can go from here, and making sure that you can achieve what you want going forward?”
I think at 18, you’ve really done with all of the “active” parenting that you should and can do. The S will need to find his own way. Kids naturally begin to take responsibility for themselves, so too much interference will be resented. Kids may make mistakes but there isn’t a lot you can do for adults anyway if they aren’t open to it. Doing poorly at CC will be self-limiting.
I don’t see any reason to mention the F whatsoever. I mean what can you really say that he doesn’t already know?
Should S ask for help, ask how you can help. Otherwise, it’s time to let the bird exercise those wings. He may surprise you.
How about “I’m rooting for you!” - non-judgemental, supportive, genuine wish for him to succeed, clearly on “his” side.
Take care of yourself emotionally first though. Put on your own oxygen mask before helping your child.