Most excellent post, @Consolation. I couldn’t agree more.
“The only reason that there are any options is because the parents can borrow.”
Can borrow (as in the lender will loan them the money) is quite distinct from should borrow (as in borrowing the money is a wise decision). Mom says the place is unaffordable. Dad is having trouble acting like a grown up. My vote is with Mom.
Consolation, just want to say I was put in the same position, re: affordability. I’ll skip the details. After good FA, we did take modest Plus, but I knew the exact plan for how we could pay them back, where we would find those dollars every month.
I don’t have issue with that informed choice. But no one should dictate to a stranger to “just do it,” lest they incur the kid’s anger. OP hasn’t indicated they have the financial security or prospects to afford costs or manage loans. At least one parent is up against retirement. Good parenting should include wise limits.
'duplicate
I have read both of these threads. The reality is that this is an eighteen year old that will come up with a plan to get what he wants without regard to reality. The problem is that this plan is setting him up for failure from the start. Having a 2.5 hour commute (does that include the time hunting for parking and the time to walk to class? Sometimes freshman have to park in lots far from campus.) will put a serious dent in his study time and energy levels. Your other posts indicate that he is not the strongest student and needs summer school before starting. Add to this the normal college transition adjustments and this is a disaster waiting to happen.
You and your husband need to be the adults and say no. With your life experience and knowledge of your son, you need to guide your son to understand what the path is reasonable. This is YOUR financial life and your sons academic life that should be the priority here. Destroying both to avoid what boils down to a temper tantrum by your son is crazy.
Based on your posts, it appears that you son is not ready for a 4 year school. Just because he found a school that is willing to take your money doesn’t mean he is ready. The school knows this since they are requiring that he passes a summer program. Starting at a CC should give him the skill set to be successful at a 4 year college if he applies himself.
I am not a fan of borrowing large sums of money to fun a dream unless 1) the dream is based in reality and 2) I can afford the bill when it goes due. From your post, it seems like 1 is debatable and 2 isn’t feasible.
So Mom thinks son is a loser and a slacker and so is hubby along with being a lousy father so why not wait until late April of son’s senior year of HS to blow up son’s life because hubby might lose job or son might not do well.
Nice supportive family. Great job mom! Any other impending catastrophe’s on the horizon we can wreck some lives over?
Glad this isn’t my household.
Well, it looks like the choices are to blow up the family finances or blow up a previously made (by the OP’s husband) promise (and therefore trust within the family). Both are bad choices that could have been avoided had the parents honestly evaluated what they can realistically afford, and everyone had the college money talk last fall.
Any high school juniors or parents of high school juniors should take note. As this and other examples that show up every April show, it is much harder in terms of family dynamics to do this in April than before applications are made.
@ClassicRockerDad I have never agreed on my S plan going to the university with housing or commuting 2.5 hours one way everyday. My family have talked about it since last year, but my stubborn H always say yes to almost everything that my kids ask. He does not know how to be a father to them.He never supported me when it comes to making plans or diciplining our kids since they were little.
Is it possible that you are worrying too much about possible catastrophes and that you really can afford to send your S to university including dorm?
We all want to be right, and it’s hard to come down off strong positions, but can you see how this looks from your S’s point of view? From your H’s point of view? Do you love your S and your H?
Can you have a calm discussion with your H, without blame and without anger to assess whether sending your S to this University is really feasible and is really a better option?
Is there some compromise such as what I suggested in post #27. Maybe change it to suit a compromise that you can live with. The deadline is Friday.
Perhaps it is impossible, but isn’t it worth being sure and in agreement and bringing your adult son into the conversation as an adult since it is he who is most affected? Perhaps he will come to his own conclusion that CC is better, but wouldn’t you want to give him that opportunity?
I wish you luck sorting this all out.
Here’s an idea, @guiltymom. How about you send the bill to @ClassicRockerDad? He seems to know more about the finances (and how much you love your son) than you do!
@redpoodles I already paid for my own kids. None of this kind of drama. Worth every penny for me to see them launch well.
@guiltymom . 2 - 2 1/2 hours each way is way too long of a commute. Most adults wouldn’t drive that for a job unless they had to. My DH’s commute is less than that and he ends up being tired/sleepy sometimes on the way home. I do not think it would be safe for your son to do that long of a commute. If you can not afford to pay for him to live in the dorms then you need to say no to that college all together. Do not pay agree to pay the tuition for him to go to that college and commute. While he may hate you for it just imagine how you would feel if he ended up in a serious car wreck.
To give you an example. My DS could commute to school. He would have around the same commute time my DH does. About 1 hour in the morning and 2 hours each night(traffic patterns ugh) . There is no way I would put him on the road every day in Atlanta traffic.
My nephew commutes to his college. He only takes Tuesday and Thursday classes–4 back-to back(!) and drives about 1.5 hours there and then again home. A brutal day, but only 2 days a week. He is able to hold down a part time job and study on the other 5 days. It’s do-able but requires a lot of self-discipline and motivation. Which it doesn’t seem like this kid has…
I have seen the outcome of this whole fiasco. Give in and there is a high probability that he will not finish his first year at this University. I notice that the OP is reluctant to tell us both Name of the University that the son was accepted at and his STAT scores. What are his SAT scores? Reading between the line, it appears he is a weak Student academically and the son’s insistence to attend this University despite his parents letting him know they cannot afford such an institution, shows a level of immature and selfish. A Family friend was in a similar position and the parents gave to their son, who spent his entire freshman year doing remedial courses (Math, Reading and Writing). He dropped out of the University in the middle of his third semester, having accumulated a total 6 College Credits (no credit is granted for remedial courses)! This has happen to many parents I know. The worst thing the parent could do is to give in at this point as it would send the wrong message to their son. This is a disaster waiting to happen.
California has probably the lowest College Community Tuition of ANY State, with a cost per credit of $46. This mind blowing. The California Community System has over 2 million students and hundreds of thousands of students had to go this route, primarily because of financing and grades earned in High School. Do you know how many students across the country wish they could access a good Community College at such a low price point? The fact that the mother is claiming that the son now hates her, tells me that the son is severely immature and self-centered. Frankly, I doubt he is ready for a 4-year University or even Community College. Frankly, his premature announcement to the world that he was going to this University was cleverly designed to force his parents’ hands.
His choice of a Major should be of concern and whether he be able to get a job after graduation. The suggestion made to attend a Community College is the best option and will gauge how serious he is about attending college. I would not suggest that his parents send him to this University…he is NOT ready!
The kid does need to take the blame for ignoring mom’s insistence that he also apply to their local CSU. In the other thread, she mentions that the son stubbornly refused to apply.
Also, the concept that this is a “dream school” is really over the top for this kid to claim. It’s a CSU, it’s not Berkeley. And…the only reason this school got this kid’s attention was because his friends were going to go there…but suddenly they couldn’t afford it either …so friends are not going.
If anything, I might agree to a ONE SEMESTER trial, with the son taking out a student loan as well. If the son gets at least a 3.0 GPA and completes at least 15 units (to stay on track), then he can return for the second semester…AND this fall semester trial would ONLY happen IF the son does well during those summer required classes.
In addition to the student loan, I don’t know if the student can work/save over the summer with those summer req’d classes.
However, I prefer the CC route first.
I agree that it is too long of a commute. However, if he does decide to commute he will need a car with up-to-date safety features. Just about any car that is 10 years old will not have the features that are available today. Additionally, it will get very expensive very quickly if the price of gas goes up.
Thank you all for the advice/comments.
I do not know his SAT score, he won’t tell me, but he needs to take summer school.
Guilty mom, don’t feel guilty! Community College is the best option for your son and your family. If he does really well there I’m sure you’d support him continuing with college.
He won’t tell you his SAT score? Yet he expects you to pay for college?
What next? will he refuse to show you his grades?
Sorry…but I would not pay for college until I knew those SAT scores.
This kid is holding you hostage.
Tell him he can go wherever he wants to college…and he will be receiving the bill, and will need to pay it.