The title of this thread is clear. It asks about commuting 2- 2 1/2 hours each way to college.
I don’t care what the costs are…or whether the fami,y can afford the school or not.
This school is too far to commute. Too far.
In the OP, since edited, OP said that it was a 45 minute commute to the university, up to 2 - 2.5 hours with traffic. Then it just became 2-2.5 hours with traffic, then just 2-2.5 hours. Students don’t necessarily commute at regular commuter hours, so I’m not convinced it would be a 4-5 hour daily commute.
Is the mother berating him or venting her concerns here? I assumed that voicing her concerns didn’t necassarily mean she was berating him when she discussed this.
I think I do understand that the student is devastated by this decision. However, there isn’t a clean cut decision either way. There are pros and cons. One way he may attend his college with considerable expense on the part of the parents and the possibility that he is unprepared academically or not mature enough to go. The other way, he can attend a CC at less expense to his parents and possibly attend his college later if he does well. I understand that to him the second choice is blowing up his world, at least emotionally. Neither one of these decisions comes without risk or cost in some way.
Of course this young man needs the emotional support of his parents and their unconditional love no matter how the decision is made. I assumed that too. Sometimes though, love also means making a tough decision that the student may not be happy about at the moment. Sometimes it does not.
It’s quite an assumption to state that I can’t see the young man’s point of view. I do understand that this is emotionally devastating, however, does this mean the parents should send him to this college no matter what the costs and how prepared he is? Perhaps my perspective is influenced by knowing several students who did not succeed at college and return home. This is also a blow to their self esteem, and it can take them several years to pay off the debt of one year of college. The OP isn’t necessarily being catastrophic to consider this possibility, however, one way to look at other factors besides emotion is the student’s academic readiness - grades, SAT’s, and the parents’ finances.
I wonder if the 2-2.5 hours is the total commute and not each way because it’s not clear from the first post.
The 2 to 2.5 hours (one way) is my estimated hours including the traffic, looking for parking space and walking to the classroom.
I just wanted to thank everyone for your inputs/comments/ advice.
I’ve posted my questions/ concerns here to see other people’s opinion. My H and I do not have unity when it comes to raising our kids, and this is another issue in our family. My kids had stopped talking to me ever since we had a meeting last Sunday regarding college vs. university. I told my H that I get a lot of good comments from this site and I suggested that he should ask other people too so he could hear their comments. His response was
Husband: So what to do now. U ready to see him runaway? He will be mad at us n will not support us when we grow old.
Me: It is normal for him to get angry right now but in the long run he will understand it. ( I hope) I am not ready to see him runaway. I cannot watch him 24 hrs to stop him. He is so immature if he runaway just bcuz he did not get what he wanted. That’s ok we didnt have kids and expect them to take care of us when we get old.
Some of you advise us to talk to a pastor. I told my husband that we need counseling, as usual he does not cooperate. Yes, we have so many issues in our family and I’m the one who gets the blame all the time. To them, I am the bad guy here. I wanted to comfort and help my S emotionally because he is hurting right now, but I just don’t know if this is the right thing to do and don’t know how to approach him now, i’m sorry if my message is not clear, it is hard for me to read the letters and feel depress right now.
The problem with a long commute is that it is highly likely that you son will pick his courses to minimalize the commute instead of picking courses solely based on what is best for his long term goals. This could severely limit his course options. Not the best outcome. It will also make getting together with study groups and joint projects difficult. Overall his grades will suffer.
As for the above, is it really an option that your son would choice to run away? Is he really willing to be homeless and live on the street? If that is truly his thought process then I wonder if he is even ready for a CC. A few years working before college might be a better option. There seems to be way too much drama going on.
First thing: call the high school to know his sat score, gpa, and class rank. CanPlease share them here as it is material 
you indicate what colleges you’re talking about - is your son in at cal poly or dh ?
I am sorry you are going through this OP. It isn’t a good guy/bad guy right/wrong situation. You and your H are both considering your son, but in a different way. There are pros and cons to the decision in either direction.
Whenever a difficult decision comes up in a family, if there is dysfunction, it makes it all the harder. It seems as if neither you nor your H are at a point of coming to an agreement with this in time to decide about college this year. Counseling could help but not in time for the decision to be made.
These kinds of situations make me think of the King Solomon and the mothers story. I don’t intend to promote religion on this board- I am bringing up this story as an enduring example of human nature. When parents are divided over a child, the child is put in the middle of this. The argument is between the two parents, but the child is dragged into the conflict. In your situation, you both have a good point, but it doesn’t seem that the two of you will meet in the middle. Kids can sense this ,and being kids, they can side with the parent that will give them what they want, but because they love both parents, can also feel as if they are being divided emotionally when they are in the position of siding with one parent.
The decision to not send a child to college is a tough one as it is. However ,when both parents are in agreement, can approach the student and say, son, we love you but we can’t afford this, or we don’t think you are ready for this, it is not as complicated as when they are divided. Your son is getting two different messages, not one. Also, when there is family dysfunction, a family member can be the scapegoat- it can be you, or your son, but the scapegoat serves to be the target of family issues rather than the issues itself.
Your threads are focused on what to do about college for your son at the moment, but it looks as if the issue is more complicated than that. I can’t tell you what to do- it isn’t my place or anyone else’s place on this board, because we don’t know the entire picture and we are not experts, however, if your H is not going to relinquish his position, one option is to consider letting him make the decision ,and placing the consequences in his and your son’s hands.
If at all possible, perhaps you and your H can agree on a sum of money that is going to be spent on his college and let him know what that is. You can also agree on taking this one semester at a time- you will continue to help financially as long as he takes a certain number of credits each semester with passing grades. You can ask to see official report cards as part of your agreement. Can you agree on asking your son to share the financial responsibility? If he wants to go to this college, and you are not able to pay for all of it, let him know that he will need to be earning some of it by working part time and in summers. If you can agree with your H on this, put some of the financial responsibility in his hands.
It is up to you to decide what to do but this is one option to take your son out of the conflict between you and your H.
I really am sorry for your pain. Perhaps you should seek counseling for yourself alone so that you can learn how to best approach your S to help him emotionally. I wish you well.
I think counseling- marital, individual, family, can be helpful. However, this is something that takes time. The deadline is today.
One of my own “rules” is that in general, it isn’t a good idea to make a long term decision at the moment that everyone is emotional if at all possible. Emotions like anger and fear can make it more difficult to decide.
The decision- to accept the position or not, needs to be made today. Which one is the most drastic and permanent? To turn it down, because this means he gives up the spot and can not get it back.
The other decision, to accept the position, leaves the possibility open. If at some point, the decision is that he will not attend, then you will lose your deposit. However, this is the least permanent and more flexible option. It can buy you time to continue to consider all the aspects of this decision.
I would consider the deposit as an investment in buying some time with this decision, and considering the magnitude of the decision, a relatively small one.
It should be made honestly. “Son, we have decided to keep this option open, and continue this discussion”. It gives time for some counseling too.
Pennylane that was the wisest post in the thread!
It turns the volume down, allows time to cool off, and for the family to learn to love each other for a while to make the decision together as adults.
Perhaps pay for the summer remedial work too, again to buy time, and that will create forward progress anyway.
I wouldn’t pay a deposit on a University I know I cannot afford…makes absolutely no sense! The kid should attend the school that his parents can afford and one that is the best fit for him. Based on preliminary data, it does not appear as if he can handle a full load at a 4-year University. One would have to question his maturity level at the point and whether he is capable of living independently.
Given how inexpensive Community Colleges are in California, that is the best option for the son. Why spend $20K at the 4-year University, when you can get the exact same education for $2K - $3K a year (for the first 2-3 years)? His SAT scores would really shed some light as to his academic abilities. We have to assume that the scores were low and the reason he is hiding it from his parents.
I’m really late to this discussion and I know the deadline is here. Why don’t you have your son accept but defer enrollment for 1 year at his dream school. My son did this. You pay a small deposit, in our case $500 which you will lose if he doesn’t attend in a year. This next year will give your son time to mature, take a few classes as suggested by the college, and GET A JOB so he can save $$ for his dream school. You will also have a better idea of your own financial situation in a year. I hope this helps.
When family members quit talking to you because they don’t like the decision you’ve made, the topic really isn’t about college any longer, it’s about control and respect. I wouldn’t give in to that tactic unless you’re willing to spend the rest of your life caving in to whatever they want.
I would NOT put a deposit down at a college you can’t afford. There are no other aspects to consider. You’ve been telling your family for months that finances were going to be a problem. They just refuse to hear you. If you put down a deposit at an unaffordable school, all that will do is anger and confuse your son. It’s unaffordable, so what is there left to talk about? If it’s unaffordable, why drag it on longer than necessary? The school list wasn’t a good one because your son refused to take your advice and put an affordable option on it. If he had, he wouldn’t be able to pressure you to pay for the expensive option he does want. He apparently wants everything his way. He wants to be in charge (you can’t know my grades or test scores) until it’s time to pay (you can take out unaffordable loans to pay for it).
If it were my family, DS would be taking a gap year (or two). I’d expect him to get a job and pay some of his expenses (gas & spending money to start with) and save for college. I might consider paying for college when he could show enough maturity to have a rational discussion, but any child of mine who outright refused reasonable requests (put an affordable school on your list) and quit speaking to me for days at a time (for any reason, much less to pressure me to take on debt I couldn’t afford) would be in for a major wake up call. I have never been one of those parents who believed in charging a child rent, but in this situation I would be sorely tempted.
I’d ask the high school for his SAT/ACT score and GPA now (while he’s still a minor) so you have an idea what colleges will be a good fit for him. If his test scores are below 500/section, he may not be ready to go away to a 4-year college. Any teen who quits talking to his mother because she won’t take out loans she can’t afford definitely isn’t ready for college, so I wouldn’t feel guilty about making him wait.
I agree that counseling would be helpful. I suggest that you go on your own if your husband won’t agree to go. You need a support system.
Thank you CRD.
The suggestion of deferring admission can be a possibility, however, it is important to ask the college about the rules for this. Some universities do not grant a deferral, and of the ones that do, many make it contingent on not taking college level classes somewhere else, as this would change the admission from incoming freshman to transfer. For students with merit based financial awards ( this does not apply to this situation) it is possible that the award is not deferred even if admission can be. Financial need based scholarships, loans, and grants are generally determined each year. Colleges have different rules so it is important to ask the particular college what the rules there are.
If this is a CSU, they do not allow deferred admission, at least for the first two I checked, and they are pretty uniform about admissions.
Penny, I just like your idea of deferring the apocalypse (I’m catastrophizing myself) until there is time for OP to obtain some therapy to potentially rebuild the relationship with S and either potentially bring him on board with the CC plan without him thinking that his M has no faith in him, or perhaps OP will come to a different conclusion after therapy and adult conversations.
IMHO, a healthy family psyche is easily worth the loss of the $500 deposit as you so eloquently pointed out. The current situation seems untenable and very unhealthy.
@ClassicRockerDad Why is it only her that needs therapy? Why not her husband and son as well? You seem to agree that she is the bad guy.