College Without Friends

Student Lounge College Life
1

<p>I wanted to know if anyone else went through college without having any friends. I keep seeing posts on websites about lack of friends in college, but these people said they had friends while in High School. I never had any in either place. I do not know what I did or keep doing wrong; I was always nice to people and would be interested in what they would say. I have never been included in activities, and whenever I would ask about hanging out I would always be given an excuse like "you wouldn't like it" or "I'll call you" (they would never call.) I actually feel stupid now for not recognizing the fact that a lot of my classmates only talked to or were nice to me when they wanted something. I realize these things happen, but I can't help but feel like I must have done something to warrant it since I have been around people (especially my sophomore roommate) who are condescending, rude, and just plain selfish and yet have friends and fun. I only have one more year of college and I feel like I never even went; I'm not interested in drinking or partying, I just never have fun and feel like something really important is missing. My mother is sort of supportive because I can call her and talk, but she just doesn't understand.
I have tried to join things, but it still does not help. I also have social anxiety disorder, OCD, and severe depression. (I have been to therapy and on medication, but I had to come off because both medicines had negative side effects.)</p>

<p>I'm sorry for the length of this.</p>

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<p>You have to weigh the negative side effects of your meds against the person you are while on them having a chance to have friends.
Young adults are self centered and few will go out of their way to be generous of spirit and patient enough to be your friend despite your mental disorders.
Plus if someone is kind to you, do you complain and rant about your problems?</p>

<p>Have you tried the religious clubs at your school, they are nice to everyone.</p>

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<p>No I don’t complain about my problems. I hate talking about myself.</p>

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<p>Good luck, life is hard enough without your social disorders.</p>

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<p>I would look into medication again. There are many options for social anxiety/OCD/depression and I’d see if you can get on some other combination that may reduce/mitigate the side effects.</p>

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<p>I’m sad to read this. Do you have a really good therapist to work this through with? It sounds like you can use some good support on a regular basis. I hope this doesn’t sound trite. I wish I could help more. Have you found at least an intellectual niche at school?</p>

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<p>I have not found anything to fit into intellectually. The only time I was with a “study buddy” was last semester for a probability course, someone who I went to High School with, and after the first time he said he was too busy to ever do it again.
The therapists I went to treated me like I was stupid or were highly critical (“That is the worst posture I have ever seen” and “mommy isn’t always going to be there for you to talk to”) and did not help, so I do not go anymore.
I am a math major and a writer. The writing helps, but most of the time the only thing that keeps me going is the hope that one day I can make a name for myself and prove these people wrong.</p>

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<p>That doesn’t sound like appropriate behavior from a therapist. It seems like your social disorder is seriously affecting your ability to make friends. Instead of pushing it off and making excuses, it’s important you seriously try to fix it. Keep seeking options!! Don’t just let it go. Keep looking for therapists. And again, look into other medications. A few (minor) side effects may be preferable over not having any friends, but that’s ultimately up to you.</p>

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<p>I agree with the other posters about looking for other options about therapy. You need a sounding board so that you can figure out what you are doing that keeps others from wanting to be friends. I agree that the therapist who talked about your mother and your posture doesn’t sound very good.</p>

<p>You said that you are hoping that you can become a success as a writer so that you can prove all those people wrong, but what are you proving them wrong about? That they were wrong about not wanting to be your friend? People usually gravitate to others that they can relate to, what you need to try to do is make yourself easier to relate to by more people.</p>

<p>Professional advice is helpful. Don’t think that all therapists are going to be the same. Give one a chance and then tell them that you need advice about how to better relate to people. </p>

<p>You can start yourself by taking care of the basics. Look online or go to the library and find one of those books about body language and study what you are telling people by yours. If your posture is bad then make a point of standing up straight and tall, for example. Take the time to give yourself better physical care such as exercise and eat well. The physical exercise will help disperse with some of your stress and probably help with the social anxiety.</p>

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<p>My 22-year-old son also has social anxiety. He ate alone in the cafeteria his first 2 years of college, so I know how you must feel.</p>

<p>Have you considered getting a part-time job? That is a good low-risk, low-stress way to be a part of something bigger than yourself, and getting to know others by having to work directly with each other.</p>

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<p>I mean wrong about the bullying and the “loser”, “weirdo”, “crazy” labels. Are some people just selected to be outcasts or bullied for no reason? I was always shy and terrible at sports, and I was always much higher than a lot of my classmates in academic subjects. Some of my teachers even said that I was by far the best math student they ever had.
In college there are more people and many who perform better than I so this is not an isolation indicator anymore.</p>

<p>I am not even saying that I want popularity or dozens of friends; I just would like to be able to have a connection with someone who I could hang out with and actually have fun with, and who feels the same way about me. I don’t know, maybe I’m just selfish because I see it so often and want it for myself in order to know what it feels like. Does the desire go away when you become older?</p>

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<p>This quality becomes more appreciated among people as you age. I am overly nice and listen carefully to people at work, and the older crowd appreciates it much more and talks much more to me, and I’ve even been invited out for snacks and drinks after work by people 15-30+ years older than me, but never the young ones. The older ones are usually more interesting anyway. :)</p>

<p>I had some friends in high school, but rarely saw them outside of school. I had social anxiety that I overcame after my first years of college. I didn’t have a single friend in college, but usually always had a boyfriend or was casually dating so it didn’t feel so lonely.</p>

<p>Medication alone will not cure you - too many people jump to this as a solution. It may help ease the symptoms, but when it comes to anxiety and depression, you need to change your thinking habits and behaviors. Baby steps to learning strong, effective social skills is critical; it took me about 10 years to get where I am, and I’m still considered the “quiet one,” though not nearly as quiet as I was in high school. </p>

<p>Sadly, there are many, many terrible therapists out there who grew sick of the work, or who went into it for money. It may take many tries to find a compassionate one that you feel comfortable with. I never agree with going to a family doc and getting prescribed medication for psychological stressors - for one, they do not adequately assess you and are not trained specifically in psychological disorders, and second, they do not do a thorough follow-up and will up your dosage or throw you on a different med without really looking at how it’s affecting you. I consider the family doc as more of a last resort. </p>

<p>Even if you don’t have the time or money for a therapist, you can work on these skills yourself. Observing other people, the socially successful ones, will be very important. Watch their body language and what they say, as well as how they say it. Practice, practice, practice, even if it’s just learning to say “hey, what’s up” to people you pass in the hall who you know from class. Practice small talk - students love to complain about tests and homework. Even though I had few difficult tests, I would sometimes complain about them anyway just to make small talk. No one wants to hear you thought the test was easy. But if you’re not comfortable with little white lies like that, you can ask peers about upcoming campus events, or what they thought about the homework, or…whatever comes to mind that you see others chatting about enthusiastically.</p>

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<p>And both yes and no to your question about whether the desire goes away - I’m 24 and I’m very comfortable in my low levels of social involvement. I’m proud of how well I do at work, but once I’m home I enjoy the solitude of my bedroom. It’s not as depressing anymore; in fact, I would say I do not suffer from depression or anxiety anymore. Occasional depressive moments, sure, but it’s not long-term like it used to be. Just a day once every few weeks or months, and summers are usually good for me.</p>

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<p>wow there are so many thoughtful responses here! </p>

<p>my guess is social anxiety is probably at the root of you not making friends, and being depressed (because i think not having friends is probably a big reason for the depression). you don’t necessarily have to overcome it to make friends though - from what i’ve read that’s a pretty hard thing to do, especially by yourself - but just identifying it as the thing that has prevented you from making friends (and not, say, any personal failures) might be relieving. </p>

<p>it is truly one of the saddest human phenomenons that i know - people not having any friends and the pain that comes with that. i’m always tempted to say - well at least we live in a time where you could post this here and get wonderful responses :slight_smile: - but then again modern society is arguably responsible for or at least a contributing factor to the development of these situations. </p>

<p>college without friends is a sad thing. you need friends, ideally. or at the very least a loving family of pets. you know, i notice that people with cute dogs get lots of positive attention from other people (and especially other dog owners), so getting one when you’re older might be fun. </p>

<p>there are so many people - more than you know - in similar situations to yourself. the topic of this thread is not an uncommon one to college life.</p>

<p>oh, i have a question: what do you think of cory booker :p?</p>

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<p>Maybe you could try a volunteer group on campus or in the community… tutoring kids with academic needs, going on a short Habitat for Humanity trip, a food pantry. Usually people who volunteer are quite compassionate and may be a more inclusive group. You will also have some interesting experiences to talk and write about.</p>

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<p>you know what?..this is really sad…it sounds like bullying still exist in college life, I thought it’s only in high school! How can I be so naive?
But FearofZero—this is what I can say—in my opinion I think you are just being conscious of the people around you, just be natural, I know it’s easier said than done, but you’re not alone! For all you know some of these people you encounter have more serious problems than you do!
I’m a parent but I can relate to how you feel…when I was in college I only had one friend 'coz the rest of those people who professed to be “friends” were not real friends. I was even called a “weirdo” 'coz I don’t talk to anyone unless I feel like talking to them, but do I really care? No! When graduation came we each went on our separate ways, I worked in a large bank, met my husband and now have a child who will be entering freshman in the fall.
I’m sure and God forbid this kind of situation will not happen to my child 'coz right from the very beginning we trained our child not to be conscious of “peer-pressure”.</p>

<p>Wow! I love this kind of topic, it makes you feel good talking to someone and hoping it can make them feel better!
Good luck!</p>

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<p>^ there’s only so much you can train your child to be. some kids are just very predisposed to developing social anxiety and so on. if your kids are social enough now then you don’t have anything to fear - but i wouldn’t credit any specific training not to be conscious of peer pressure for that. Love and kindness are the kinds of things that optimizes a kid’s chance for a smooth development. some kid’s will turn out social and happy from the most broken homes, too.</p>

<p>I like the fact that people with these problems can get support from forums like this one too :slight_smile: - it is one the things that i think is great about the internet for many people.</p>

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<p>Does your school have a literary magazine or club? If you like writing being with like minded people might help. Maybe finding someone who is quiet and shy would be the best thing, someone else who doesn’t have many friends, although this may be harder since they won’t be outgoing enough to find you, but if you can do it its worth a try. You seem like a really nice person so think people probably just aren’t really taking the time to get to know you which is completely unfair to you. I’m sorry you’re having such trouble, but I’m sure you’ll be able to find some good friends! Like someone said before, if you’re religious that may be a place to go as some churches even have weekly events for the younger members to help them meet new people. Good luck with everything and keep writing if that’s what makes you happy, I’m sure you’ll do great things!</p>

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<p>Please don’t dismiss the idea of a therapist because two haven’t worked out. You really must pursue this. A good therapist can really help. Group therapy would also be a good idea.</p>

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<p>Join a group where you’ll meet people like yourself. I’ve met some amazing, awkward, yet totally amazing people that way :)</p>