Common App Essay Draft - Opinions

College Essays
1

I decided to get a head start on my common app essay and here is my work.
Keep in mind that it’s 649 words and the max is 650.
I chose the second prompt, the one about what you have learned from failure.
Let me know what you guys think!

Leadership. What does it mean to be a leader? Does it mean to be the knight in shining armor who saves the day? Does it mean to boss everyone around to attain power? Or does it mean to sacrifice yourself for the better of the group when the going gets tough? Leadership can mean very different things to different people. I learned that the hard way when I wasn’t chosen to be a co-captain for senior year for my varsity soccer team.

It was a Sunday afternoon in February. I had just finished dinner and gone upstairs to relax in my room. I checked my email and little did I know that I would find out I had not been chosen for next fall’s varsity captains. It was completely out of the blue. I couldn’t believe the coach had made this decision in February.

I had worked for this coach’s club team for about 8 years and he had recently become the varsity coach for my high school. For many years, I have started every game as a central defender. I have hardly been subbed out because he has trusted me in such an important position. Not only have I felt and acted as a leader on the field, but my teammates also recognize and respect me as a leader; they listen to me and follow my directions because they trust me as well. I have never been nasty or “bossy” to my teammates. I have simply told them things like who to mark, how to position yourself, when to push up, when to drop off, and so on. I respect them as much as they respect me. I thought the coach valued my contribution as well. However, I guess I was wrong.

So there I was in my room, in utter disbelief as to the news that I had just read. I felt like all the work I had put into improving as a player and helping out the team was for nothing. I responded by explaining to the coach why I believed I was qualified to be offered a position as co-captain. He essentially dismissed my argument, stating that he was looking for people who “would create a stronger bond off the field.” Excuse me for not being the most popular kid in school…

Although I have many friends, the truth is that I have always been somewhat socially reserved. On the field, however, I become a completely different person. When I am on the soccer field I forget everything else and become totally focused on the moment, I feel an intensity which sparks the leader qualities in me and I am only focused on supporting my team. I have never really been explicitly encouraged by anyone to lead, and the desire to sacrifice for the better of the group simply comes from within.

I truly realized this when in my response to the coach I finished the email with a line that I think truly depicts the leadership qualities I have. I ended with “I will continue to play and act like a captain, as I have for so many years, even if I am not selected as a third captain.” I realized then and there that I didn’t need to have the title of a leader, to be a leader. For me, being a leader has always been a spontaneous natural instinct of love for the beautiful game of soccer, and to work for the good of the team. What I have learned from this experience is that leadership is more than a title; it is the meaning beyond the title that makes a true leader. Being captain or not being captain is not important to me at this point because not wearing the captain’s armband will never stop me from sacrificing for my team and leading them in order to achieve victory for all.

2

I understand what you are trying to say with this essay, especially considering the prompt, but I think that the way you present it is sending a different message than what you intend.

What I got from this is: “I learned that I can be a leader whether or not I am the captain.” That’s a noble goal and I agree that you can set a good example for your teammates whether or not you have the armband. However, the reality is that you aren’t the captain of the team. Not having the armband won’t stop you from sacrificing for your team and leading them. What if the team’s actual captain is leading them well? Will you be able to follow them to victory if following is the best thing for the team?

I’d like you to reflect on this for a bit, and try reading it as someone who doesn’t know you. You spend a lot of time defending yourself against the coach’s decision, and even quoted his feedback and dismissed it. For people who are highly driven and motivated, sometimes the hardest thing to be asked to do is play a supporting role and fall in line behind someone else. Everyone has to do it at some point, and the first time it happens it is generally quite jarring. For people used to success and praise, it can even be difficult to accept. However, it reads more like a “I’m going to prove that I was the best captain all along” versus “I understood why I wasn’t chosen and have learned from it, without letting it affect my contributions to the team.”

This is a good experience to write about, but think about it a bit more. Reflect on what you really learned from this and think about how you want to present that to the admissions committees. You’re on the right track. Cheers.

3

thank you so much, I will take the time to consider your valid points.

4

Also, you’d be well advised not to post your essay on an open forum as it is not safe to do so. Ask for volunteers to look at it, and pm it to them.

BTW, I agree with the above critique. Your essay has a bit of a whiny tone. Humility goes a lot further than sour grapes.

5

I would get rid of this post. People might steal the essay. I would just pm to people who are willing to give advice. But in my opinion, it has a lot of potential, just a bit of editing in tone like the people above said but I wouldn’t fully trust my opinion since Im in the same boat as you lol

6

Thank you so much everyone?

7

!!!

8

damn no offense but you come across as really bitter and passive aggressive and i wouldnt want to accept you if i was in charge (good thing im not!)

it sounds like you put too much emphasis on titles and status (you explicitly state that you learned that titles don’t = leadership) but all of your emphasis to write this essay is about that title

the fact that you even write an essay about that just comes across all wrong

someone else gave good criticism though w/ ways to improve so im just giving you my impressions of what i got from you from what you wrote

also you talking about what you emailed him just comes across as bragging… “oh yes look at how humble i am for writing this sick burn, oh boy did i show him!” it’s not that sick. it sounds like gossip, and it makes it sound like you’re not over the whole situation.

also you come across as arrogant/narcissistic for dismissing your coach’s feedback like “sorry im not popular.” that is flat out being passive aggressive, but you didn’t even consider why your coach would value a strong off-field bond for the team. you just took it as some offense because you’re not popular. that makes you look so bitter.

9

@otoribashi Hit it right on the money. This essays reeks of entitlement and arrogance. I’m sure this was not the intention and that you are a lovely person, but this entire essay topic/approach is kind of bitter. If you want to talk about not making captain, fine but don’t make it the ENTIRE essay if that makes sense? Connect how your feeling w/o the title helped you learn some new moral lesson, perhaps humilty?

10

For a start, you should flip your first and second paragraphs. In other words, start by drawing in the reader with the anecdote, which could be a lot more vivid. Then have your second paragraph explain the meaning the the anecdote, spell out the theme of leadership, and launch your personal exploration of the meaning of leadership. You are then allowed one paragraph of disappointment. But most of the essay should SHOW – your essay is almost all telling and explaining – how you continued to play, as a non-captain, and enjoy being a member of the team, which perhaps gained a bit of respect for you leading without an actual title.

Hope this is helpful.

11

I’m writing mine as well and while researching tips on what not to do, rhetorical questions came up a lot so there’s that.
And I’m not too sure but there’s too much storytelling and less of the process of learning.
Oh and readers might think you’re entitled or live an easy life on the basis that not becoming a captain is your failure
Otherwise it’s pretty unique and I was able to understand you a bit more as well:)