Common App Essay Eval plz

<p>Hey, I just wrote my first draft of my Common App essay from the Cornell application. I wrote it on the local, national, or international issue of significance to myself. I hope you guys can take a look at it and tell me what you think. Do you like the idea? Is it too negative? How was my coherence and organization? What areas should I improve on? </p>

<p>here it is: (563 words)
It is a widely acknowledged fact in today’s American society that pluralism is the dominant demographic trend. However, what I view on television, see in movies, read in books, and find at the ballots is an alternate society – a society that does not reflect its inherently pluralistic nature. Therefore, as an Asian American, a member of one of the largest minority groups in America, I am concerned by today’s lack of Asian American representatives in all facets of the public arena. I view this issue as inextricably linked to the larger concern of an inaccurate American self-image, while at the same time distinctly important to my personal life and own identity.
In an age of information proliferation, the absence of prominent Asian American authors, actors, politicians (with a few exceptions) has created a void in which it has been hard for Asian American teenagers to look for inspiration and emulation. Moreover, the lack of such figures, primarily artists and creators, has resulted in the lack of fictional characters to represent the multifaceted, truthful identity of Asian Americans for teenagers like myself to relate to and identify with when watching TV, listening to music, and reading books. For, growing up in such a society has resulted in the constant observation of figures, images and icons that misrepresent Asian Americans. It has meant the negative, one-dimensional stereotypes that I have had to digest in my daily consumption of mass media – the socially inept Asian male nerds, the take-out delivery boys, the martial arts virtuosos. It has meant my constant questioning, out of frustration when I peer into the world of arts and literature, where the Holden Caulfield’s were in Asian Americana. I ask why is it that I do not find in media and in books the characters of my own ethnicity enduring the quintessentially human issues of adolescence – angst, depression, lust, pressure, love, loss, adaptation, among others. And while I can get on perfectly fine without such characters, it is hard not to feel a bit trapped in the confines of incorrect stereotypes and one-dimensional images in the absence of truthful and humanly representations.
More importantly, the lack of public figures has resulted in the translation of incorrect stereotypes into the public consciousness and perception. There seems to be in America a falling out between Asian Americans and the rest of society on what is the truthful Asian American image. I cannot pretend I ignore the various times I have heard in my own school halls of people calling me “Jackie Chan” or making some humorous gestures of Kung-Fu. While what goes on everyday is not blatantly offensive, it is still a sadly annoying implication of the lack of understanding that exists. At the same time, we can frame this issue in a different light. I have come to the conclusion that without public figures Asian Americans fail to give themselves a voice in the mosaic of American society and to express themselves in the public consciousness. It is a problem that must be tackled with greater participation by Asian Americans in all areas of public influence; areas such as politics, the arts, and media. For, when one of America’s own ethnic groups lacks a clear, articulate voice, then the American identity itself is not being truthfully and wholly expressed. The pluralistic nature of such an American society is therefore not being clearly reflected.</p>

<p>dont post yo stuff man, any1 can just take it.</p>

<p>yea, do NOT post your essays and stuff on the web! ask ppl to evaluate and then PM or email them the actual text! Stats are ok to post, but not your actual creations.</p>

<p>drop the word emulation; it sticks out, making you sound verbose. In general, talk like you'd talk to an normal, intelligent adult, not like you're interviewing to join MENSA. Naturally your word choice will be better in a prewritten essay, but still ;). Also, i'm sure you can get rid of alot of those 63 words...thats pushing the limit on going over IMO.</p>

<p>Also, will this essay benefit your application? Sure it tells something about you, but unless you're going into a field where you will become a leader--the thing your essay says asian americana is devoid of--it sounds more like a well written but random (though probably justified) venting of your emotions. If you do have aspirations to become a world or national leader in some form, then the story is different, and the essay would be an excellent base your application.</p>

<p>Bottomline: If you want to become a biologist, historian, etc.--bad. If you want to become a politician, activist, etc.--good.</p>