Common App Essay Eval

<p>Hey, I just wrote my first draft of my Common App essay from the Cornell application. I wrote it on the local, national, or international issue of significance to myself. I hope you guys can take a look at it and tell me what you think. Do you like the idea? Is it too negative? How was my coherence and organization? What areas should I improve on? </p>

<p>here it is: (563 words)
It is a widely acknowledged fact in today’s American society that pluralism is the dominant demographic trend. However, what I view on television, see in movies, read in books, and find at the ballots is an alternate society – a society that does not reflect its inherently pluralistic nature. Therefore, as an Asian American, a member of one of the largest minority groups in America, I am concerned by today’s lack of Asian American representatives in all facets of the public arena. I view this issue as inextricably linked to the larger concern of an inaccurate American self-image, while at the same time distinctly important to my personal life and own identity.
In an age of information proliferation, the absence of prominent Asian American authors, actors, politicians (with a few exceptions) has created a void in which it has been hard for Asian American teenagers to look for inspiration and emulation. Moreover, the lack of such figures, primarily artists and creators, has resulted in the lack of fictional characters to represent the multifaceted, truthful identity of Asian Americans for teenagers like myself to relate to and identify with when watching TV, listening to music, and reading books. For, growing up in such a society has resulted in the constant observation of figures, images and icons that misrepresent Asian Americans. It has meant the negative, one-dimensional stereotypes that I have had to digest in my daily consumption of mass media – the socially inept Asian male nerds, the take-out delivery boys, the martial arts virtuosos. It has meant my constant questioning, out of frustration when I peer into the world of arts and literature, where the Holden Caulfield’s were in Asian Americana. I ask why is it that I do not find in media and in books the characters of my own ethnicity enduring the quintessentially human issues of adolescence – angst, depression, lust, pressure, love, loss, adaptation, among others. And while I can get on perfectly fine without such characters, it is hard not to feel a bit trapped in the confines of incorrect stereotypes and one-dimensional images in the absence of truthful and humanly representations.
More importantly, the lack of public figures has resulted in the translation of incorrect stereotypes into the public consciousness and perception. There seems to be in America a falling out between Asian Americans and the rest of society on what is the truthful Asian American image. I cannot pretend I ignore the various times I have heard in my own school halls of people calling me “Jackie Chan” or making some humorous gestures of Kung-Fu. While what goes on everyday is not blatantly offensive, it is still a sadly annoying implication of the lack of understanding that exists. At the same time, we can frame this issue in a different light. I have come to the conclusion that without public figures Asian Americans fail to give themselves a voice in the mosaic of American society and to express themselves in the public consciousness. It is a problem that must be tackled with greater participation by Asian Americans in all areas of public influence; areas such as politics, the arts, and media. For, when one of America’s own ethnic groups lacks a clear, articulate voice, then the American identity itself is not being truthfully and wholly expressed. The pluralistic nature of such an American society is therefore not being clearly reflected.</p>

<p>Adcoms dont give a rat's ass what you think is the problem in our society today. They care about why YOU did to deal with this problem. For example, if you wrote the greatest problem is poverty, adcoms expect you to elaborate how you initiated fundraiser and donated to the poor. You may find that there are problems, but unless you mentioned what you did to fight this problem, this essay is meanlingless. I love your writing style, just redo the essay so that you mention your efforts to face the problem. Also because of this, your essay isnt at all personal, it reminds of SAT writing essays lol. So yeah, basically mantion the problem and them show how it affects you personally and what you have done to deal with the problem.</p>

<p>What primitive said was harsh but also true. The essay is composed quite well but it really doesn't reveal insight into who who are. As an Asian - Indian I definately agree with your topic. But try to integrate yourself into you essay. Talk more of your experiances. By making the essay more personal and a little less cold, admissions can see who you are. </p>

<p>On a side note, exactly how long should the essays be.</p>

<p>More you, less detached scholarliness (the first paragraph doesn't catch my attention, and the big words don't help - maybe have an anecdote/dialogue in the beginning?). It's obvious you feel very strongly about this issue....but all that I'm getting out of this is that you are an angry Asian man - and nothing else.</p>