Essay: Good? Bad? Unoriginal?

<p>Hey, I just wrote my first draft of my Common App essay from the Cornell application. I wrote it on the local, national, or international issue of significance to myself. I hope you guys can take a look at it and tell me what you think. Do you like the idea? Is it too negative? How was my coherence and organization? What areas should I improve on? </p>

<p>here it is: (563 words)
It is a widely acknowledged fact in today’s American society that pluralism is the dominant demographic trend. However, what I view on television, see in movies, read in books, and find at the ballots is an alternate society – a society that does not reflect its inherently pluralistic nature. Therefore, as an Asian American, a member of one of the largest minority groups in America, I am concerned by today’s lack of Asian American representatives in all facets of the public arena. I view this issue as inextricably linked to the larger concern of an inaccurate American self-image, while at the same time distinctly important to my personal life and own identity.
In an age of information proliferation, the absence of prominent Asian American authors, actors, politicians (with a few exceptions) has created a void in which it has been hard for Asian American teenagers to look for inspiration and emulation. Moreover, the lack of such figures, primarily artists and creators, has resulted in the lack of fictional characters to represent the multifaceted, truthful identity of Asian Americans for teenagers like myself to relate to and identify with when watching TV, listening to music, and reading books. For, growing up in such a society has resulted in the constant observation of figures, images and icons that misrepresent Asian Americans. It has meant the negative, one-dimensional stereotypes that I have had to digest in my daily consumption of mass media – the socially inept Asian male nerds, the take-out delivery boys, the martial arts virtuosos. It has meant my constant questioning, out of frustration when I peer into the world of arts and literature, where the Holden Caulfield’s were in Asian Americana. I ask why is it that I do not find in media and in books the characters of my own ethnicity enduring the quintessentially human issues of adolescence – angst, depression, lust, pressure, love, loss, adaptation, among others. And while I can get on perfectly fine without such characters, it is hard not to feel a bit trapped in the confines of incorrect stereotypes and one-dimensional images in the absence of truthful and humanly representations.
More importantly, the lack of public figures has resulted in the translation of incorrect stereotypes into the public consciousness and perception. There seems to be in America a falling out between Asian Americans and the rest of society on what is the truthful Asian American image. I cannot pretend I ignore the various times I have heard in my own school halls of people calling me “Jackie Chan” or making some humorous gestures of Kung-Fu. While what goes on everyday is not blatantly offensive, it is still a sadly annoying implication of the lack of understanding that exists. At the same time, we can frame this issue in a different light. I have come to the conclusion that without public figures Asian Americans fail to give themselves a voice in the mosaic of American society and to express themselves in the public consciousness. It is a problem that must be tackled with greater participation by Asian Americans in all areas of public influence; areas such as politics, the arts, and media. For, when one of America’s own ethnic groups lacks a clear, articulate voice, then the American identity itself is not being truthfully and wholly expressed. The pluralistic nature of such an American society is therefore not being clearly reflected.</p>

<p>I think the problem is that Asian Americans aren't one of the largest minority groups in the US. They actually are one of the smallest. Hispanics and African Americans are the largest racial minority groups.</p>

<p>While Asians are 48% of the population of California, as of the 2005 census, they were only 4% of the population of the US.64% of the Asian population is concentrated in Calif. and NY (which is 14% Asian). Up until very recently, the Asian population in the entire US was only about 2%, which accounts for why there aren't a lot of Asians represented in American literature, etc.</p>

<p>My reaction to the essay is that it is not personal enough. It does not tell a whole lot about you, the applicant. It is also rather repetitive.</p>

<p>Would it break your heart if I said it was kind of boring?</p>

<p>The prompt, of course, seems to cry out for boring essays, so if you're stuck with that prompt you may be stuck, period, but I would try to write something that'll make the admissions officer excited.</p>

<p>Your first sentence makes me sleepy-you need an intro that will catch the audience's attention-not something that sounds like it came out of a senior thesis 50 pages long.</p>

<p>Try to focus more on yourself and your relationship with the issue. Maybe add in something humorous or poignant that relates it to you.</p>

<p>The goal of a personal statement is to give the admissions committee insight into your personality and other untangible attributes that they can't pick up from other aspects of your application. This is your ONE opportunity to do that. </p>

<p>Is the ONE thing you REALLY want to tell them about yourself, your ONE opportunity to convince them to say 'we NEED this kid!', "I am concerned by today’s lack of Asian American representatives in all facets of the public arena"?</p>

<p>It's a good piece of writing, but it's just not appropriate for your purposes. Hold onto it for the time being and use it elsewhere when you get the chance.
For now, write something much more personal. This tells us about the plight of Asian Americans in general and your opinion on it. But the admissions officers want to know about your life and character instead. This is a bad topic because it doesn't permit you space to talk about you.
I have every confidence you'll come up with something good, though. Your writing is quite accomplished: you seem to know what you're doing with sentence structure.</p>

<p>
[quote]
For now, write something much more personal. This tells us about the plight of Asian Americans in general and your opinion on it. But the admissions officers want to know about your life and character instead. This is a bad topic because it doesn't permit you space to talk about you.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>Well, yes and no. It's also important to know what the applicant is passionate about; if this issue is important to the OP, writing an essay about it certainly won't hurt. (Besides, there is an optional supplementary essay, isn't there? There was last year. That will give the OP an opportunity to write the 'all about me' essay.)</p>

<p>I think an essay about an issue dear to the applicant can speak just as loudly as an 'all about me' essay, if not louder.</p>

<p>Your essay would benefit if you followed the axiom "show, don't tell."</p>

<p>get rid of the however, therefore.. it's a tiny bit boring</p>

<p>yeh it's a good essay given the topic, the expository type rather than emotional. Potential to bore admission officers, but shows that you can write well. Perhaps put one of your experiences in detail, and how it affected you.</p>

<p>I am going to use this essay and apply to Cornell.</p>

<p>Watch what you post.</p>

<p>You're speaking against stereotypes, but your essay could have been listlessly churned out by any of the countless thousands of stereotypical high-achieving kids in high school today.</p>

<p>Write like you're talking to a friend, not a parole board.</p>

<p>I agree with alita. Your first sentence sounded like the opening of a history class essay. It didn't grab my attention, which it should definitely do if you really want the essay to help you.</p>

<p>I think the topic is interesting, but the essay seemed impersonal. Try looking at the topic from a different angle.</p>

<p>problem 1: jargon, jargon, jargon.</p>

<p>problem 2: it's not personal--if the admissions committee at cornell really wanted to read up on this topic, they could seek much more reputable sources. the whole point of the essay is to show something about yourself.</p>

<p>" Potential to bore admission officers, but shows that you can write well."</p>

<p>Since virtually all Harvard applicants have high scores, AP English and similar classes, and plenty of other evidence that they can write well, what makes an essay outstanding is being well written and interesting.</p>

<p>Boring admissions officers is the kiss of death.</p>

<p>There are some excellent books that describe how to write college essays. These include at least one book by Harvard students about their admission-winning essays. </p>

<p>Read those books.</p>

<p>Good idea. I also suggest reading some magazines for ideas. The "My Turn" section of Newsweek may be helpful, as may be the back page of the New York Times Magazine. Try leafing through the New Yorker even.</p>

<p>blah. get away from the political correct garbage. there's wayyyy too much of it out there. talk about something more personal...</p>

<p>And take a risk, why don't ya.</p>

<p>This essay is fairly well-written. However, it is not personal enough. Reading this essay provided me with little insight into who you are as an individual.</p>