Common App Essay Eval?

<p>Hey, I just wrote my first draft of my Common App essay from the Cornell application. I wrote it on the local, national, or international issue of significance to myself. I hope you guys can take a look at it and tell me what you think. Do you like the idea? Is it too negative? How was my coherence and organization? What areas should I improve on? </p>

<p>here it is: (563 words)
It is a widely acknowledged fact in today’s American society that pluralism is the dominant demographic trend. However, what I view on television, see in movies, read in books, and find at the ballots is an alternate society – a society that does not reflect its inherently pluralistic nature. Therefore, as an Asian American, a member of one of the largest minority groups in America, I am concerned by today’s lack of Asian American representatives in all facets of the public arena. I view this issue as inextricably linked to the larger concern of an inaccurate American self-image, while at the same time distinctly important to my personal life and own identity.
In an age of information proliferation, the absence of prominent Asian American authors, actors, politicians (with a few exceptions) has created a void in which it has been hard for Asian American teenagers to look for inspiration and emulation. Moreover, the lack of such figures, primarily artists and creators, has resulted in the lack of fictional characters to represent the multifaceted, truthful identity of Asian Americans for teenagers like myself to relate to and identify with when watching TV, listening to music, and reading books. For, growing up in such a society has resulted in the constant observation of figures, images and icons that misrepresent Asian Americans. It has meant the negative, one-dimensional stereotypes that I have had to digest in my daily consumption of mass media – the socially inept Asian male nerds, the take-out delivery boys, the martial arts virtuosos. It has meant my constant questioning, out of frustration when I peer into the world of arts and literature, where the Holden Caulfield’s were in Asian Americana. I ask why is it that I do not find in media and in books the characters of my own ethnicity enduring the quintessentially human issues of adolescence – angst, depression, lust, pressure, love, loss, adaptation, among others. And while I can get on perfectly fine without such characters, it is hard not to feel a bit trapped in the confines of incorrect stereotypes and one-dimensional images in the absence of truthful and humanly representations.
More importantly, the lack of public figures has resulted in the translation of incorrect stereotypes into the public consciousness and perception. There seems to be in America a falling out between Asian Americans and the rest of society on what is the truthful Asian American image. I cannot pretend I ignore the various times I have heard in my own school halls of people calling me “Jackie Chan” or making some humorous gestures of Kung-Fu. While what goes on everyday is not blatantly offensive, it is still a sadly annoying implication of the lack of understanding that exists. At the same time, we can frame this issue in a different light. I have come to the conclusion that without public figures Asian Americans fail to give themselves a voice in the mosaic of American society and to express themselves in the public consciousness. It is a problem that must be tackled with greater participation by Asian Americans in all areas of public influence; areas such as politics, the arts, and media. For, when one of America’s own ethnic groups lacks a clear, articulate voice, then the American identity itself is not being truthfully and wholly expressed. The pluralistic nature of such an American society is therefore not being clearly reflected.</p>

<p>It doesn't really grab me...</p>

<p>hmm I can see what you're trying to do with this essay and it's a solid piece of writing. however, and esp for an admissions essay, it has several problems. </p>

<p>Here's your opening - "It is a widely acknowledged fact in today’s American society that pluralism is the dominant demographic trend." First of all, that's wordy. Second of all, it's one of those "all life must come to an end" sort of blanket, tired-sounding, speech-like statements. It's not as sincere-sounding as you need it to be. Thirdly, it's not attention grabbing enough.</p>

<p>"However, what I view on television, see in movies, read in books, and find at the ballots is an alternate society – a society that does not reflect its inherently pluralistic nature." More wordiness. The second bit (after the dash) can be taken out entirely, esp as the 'inherently pluralistic nature' is logically shaky, given that you've said you see it nowhere around you and have thus far not really given any evidence that society is pluralistic, or that pluralism is inherent.</p>

<p>Your second paragraph goes on to restate - not give evidence for - what you've asserted in your first. Basically, it's not overly convincing, and I know it's difficult for you to make it so. I sense what you're trying to express here is a genuine concern for the mis- and under- representation of asian americans, a very worthy cause, but it's not coming through. You're not giving my specific examples, you're not telling me about any consequences that make me concerned (even as an asian myself), and most importantly, *you're not telling me what you're going to do about it. * You're not exposing much about yourself nor the personality traits/talents you have that will make your aspirations come true. And practically speaking, you're not telling Pton how you can offer this more than anyone else.</p>

<p>All I've said is summed up in your own concluding sentence: "The pluralistic nature of such an American society is therefore not being clearly reflected." What you've done here, you and I apparently agree, is tell us through vague examples of 563 words that pluralism isn't being reflected in society. I think you've got the purpose of this essay wrong. This essay should be a personal piece about you and what you have to offer. Instead, it's an essay about American society -- and perhaps not even that, since it is much more rhetoric than fact.</p>

<p>Don't let any of this get you down; you're clearly an advanced writer with lots of potential and time to get yourself to where you want to go. However, I think you've chosen too difficult and impersonal a topic, with which you aren't showing you know much about. The only way I can fathom you turning this into a better essay, is if you happen to have a huge and influential EC related to addressing this problem. Even in this case, you would need to talk far more about your experiences and insights into that EC, condensing all this of your current essay into one introductory paragraph at most.</p>

<p>Good luck. Keep up the hard work.</p>