<p>A conversation usually isnt ones idea of a life-changing experience. One doesnt expect some epiphany to strike like lightning when one is just casually talking with friends. A conversation doesnt build character with some life challenge, such as oppression, discrimination, disease, or financial trouble. Yet, I have to say that one of my most rewarding and influential experiences (or series of experiences and events) are my constant intellectual conversations had with a select few of my friends. The following is an example, an excerpt from the constant Socratic dialogue that I share with certain peers:<br>
The nights talk, after touching upon ones life fulfillment in a corporately dominated society, quickly progressed into a debate between one of my fairly Marxist friends and myself on the destructive power of capitalism. My friend argued that the capitalism created various atrocities that caused great casualties of culture. He pointed to the decline of the French Café due the globalized power of McDonalds and the capitalist minded class-exclusivity of Nantucket. I, however, argued on the Adam Smith premise of self-interest, pointing to the fact that cultural casualties are only relative to the people who engage in such culture. Later on, as we casually discussed the unhealthiness of school cafeteria lunches, another discussion arose over the behavioral economics of the lower class of American society. I began to chip in, updating my friends on my latest Economist readings, in which it stated that the lower classes on average saved far less than their middle and upper-class counterparts. We also discussed the role of banks in this phenomenon how they provided incentives to save to their lower class clients through the matching of financial rewards to savings and how they acted not only out of paternalism but also out of self-interest. We concluded our rather enjoyable intellectual conversation through a brief look at the latest book Freakonomics by behavioral economist Steven Levitt, discussing the bell curve of mens taste in spouses in correlation to education level. It seemed logical, given that we live in a patriarchal society, the statistical concentration fell on the college-educated woman (no less and no more). </p>
<p>Such rare and treasured experiences have affected me so much because theyve shaped my ideals on the college experience specifically, and on life in general. Theyve made me passionately desire the intellectual conversation in my college experience as not only an avenue of entertainment but something that surrounds me wherever I go and whatever I do everyday. I want to be able to just sit down and converse with my peers in class discussions, with Professors at meals and various school activities, with friends at parties, in dorm rooms, staying up into the late hours of the night. I expect out of my college experience an even richer and deeper dialogue than the one Ive had, one that is open and unabashed. My few intellectual conversations with my high-school friends have helped me to logically connect the concept of college as a truth-seeking process and the conversation as a basis for that process by the constant dialogue and exchange of ideas. Moreover, it has made me want out of life a constant search for knowledge and truth. I do not want the intellectual conversation to be confined to an academic institution or similar forum I want it to pervade my life, whether it is at my work or with my family.</p>
<p>wonderful essay--cant say how admissions officers will view it, though. just a few pieces of advice: some people find the use of "one" as a subject to be a bit pretentious, and you might want to cut out some of the hyperbole in the last paragraph ("affected me so much")</p>
<p>I personally find the essay too pretentious and too stuffy. ADCOM's advise you to write from the heart and to avoid picking up a thesaurus. I am certain you did not do that - I am sure you are very smart. But my honest opinion in reading it was that it was too stuffy. I would tone it down a little bit. Just one reader's opinion; please don't be offended - I am trying to be helpful.</p>
<p>This is going to sound rude, but I didn't find the point in it. I know you had one, but it got lost somewhere in economics. As far as I know, the essays are for showing off yourself. And that didn't really show who you are, in my opinion.</p>
<p>I'm also a fan of Socratic dialogue, but I don't think it works for application essays. They require rhetoric instead.</p>
<p>Rather than talking about how you've arrived at these realisations through talking with friends, I'd suggest that you just give a rough summary of your philosophy on society/economics/life. Just give your point of view on something, not your friends'. The way you're describing it, it's sounding a bit like a story, yet a bit like an analytical essay. You don't want this to be a story-telling narrative, you want this essay to be an analytical essay, and you need to go deeper and write more coherently to achieve that.</p>
<p>I'm sure you know what you're talking about. You're just not communicating it well enuogh.</p>
<p>As for using "one" as a pronoun, I think using it is a good idea in an analytical essay. Many grammar-obsessed people, myself included, lament the use of "you" in it's place.</p>
<p>I think after reading an excellent essay one can gain knowledge regarding the true personality of the applicant. I think you should take it down a level, make it more funnier and personal without losing the intellectual discourse.</p>
<p>I like your main point, but you can do a lot of refining. The first three sentences can be combined into a more concise sentiment: that one wouldn't ordinarily expect to find flashes of insight in ordinary interactions with people, but you enjoy finding philosophy in even the most commonplace situations.</p>
<p>I wouldn't go through the entire conversation; it takes up words that could otherwise be used to exude brilliance ;). On that note, you could cut out a lot of fillers to make it flow: "certain" peers, and you could cut out either "an example" or "an exerpt" because they mean the same thing, choose between "rare" or "treasured" (I would go with treasured), "I want to be able to" can just be "I want/wish to," that sort of thing. The only reason the essay sounds stuffy is there are a lot of words that interfere with the main point. Try focusing more on the lessons you learn through these conversations, and the desire to apply learning to all aspects of life, instead of using adjectives to say it was a "rather enjoyable intellectual conversation." "We concluded by addressing...." works just fine.</p>
<p>Oh, and saying "rare" or "few" makes you sound like you're too big for your briches. I know you're not, but essays always seem to come across that way. In general, I like it, but after a few revisions it will be fantastic.</p>
<p>I hope this doesn't offend. My mother's an English professor. She does this for all my pieces and it drives me up the wall. I guess my point is, if you cut it down to the basics of your personality and message, you will come across as more sincere and mature.</p>
<p>You should avoid using "one" or "you" as a personal pronoun. The former sounds pretentious, the latter is awkward, and both lack character. Either use "I" to make the paper sound more personable, or avoid personal pronouns altogether. For example, instead of "one doesnt expect some epiphany to strike like lightning when one is just casually talking with friends," just say: "Epiphanies don't strike like lightning during casual talks with friends."</p>
<p>you do come across a bit full of yourself. add a little humor, tone down the vocabulary. (dont mean to offend, just helping). again, im really not in a position to say what admissions officers will think about your essay (and im guessing most of the other people posting here dont, either), so get some other opinions, too.</p>
<p>That essay will almost certainly get you a rejection letter. I stopped reading as soon as you launched into the "excerpt" from your haughty debate about economics and I'm almost positive the adcom won't be impressed either.</p>
<p>I have a quick q....Dartmouth only requires the common app essay right? because on their supplement I couldn't find any additional essay requirements which is a bit weird...</p>
<p>do you think they'll get annoyed if you send a supplementary essay? because i need to explain a few things in my app, like why i quit basketball, why on earth i got a C+.. in addition to my common app essay.</p>
<p>your essay is a bit funny...i can just picture you talking with your friends bout Socrates and Marx, rather then the usual xbox that all the guys i know won't stop talking about.....ya i suggest you start over as you seem so fake and "polo shirt with the crocodile ", which you prolly are not and which i don't think the admission officers are looking for.
What i mean is that you obviously are very intellectual and economics is your passion, but why don't you talk about how YOU relate to econ or what YOU have actually done in relation to econ. the first paragraph is totally useless in showing anything about you except that you like economics and long intellectual convos. That could have been said in a sentence. And the sec. paragraph is basically you telling them all about yourself which i don't think is an effective way of getting them to accept you, because anyone can boast about themselves for hours but not everyone has actual experiences and events which are a subtle swank about their talents, abilities and personality. Its way more effective if you just illustrate an event through which you shine without saying i shine because of this , this and this. One more thing, I know how hard it is to not use big words when they dominate our ussual English essays and History mid-terms; but I guess a college essay is dif. For in this case, there is the sat to show them that you know them big words, and thus u need not display your vocab here again. So just try to cut down on those and use a language that is more YOU...u follow??
btw dont get me wrong im just trying to help like you asked</p>