<p>I have two questions regarding my essay (it answers topic #1 about an experience that has changed you).
a) is this topic cliched? I am going to write about how I volunteered with orphans in Pakistan. In the essay, I point out how doing this has a) given me a frugal lifestyle (and thus rejecting superficial items) and b)given me inspiration to volunteer throughout my high school years.
b) out of 616 words, only 143 talk about my lesson I learned. The rest is the story. Is this way too much story? Thanks!!!!</p>
<p>Yeah, the topic is a little cliched and b is a huge problem, one that I’m having a lot of trouble with too, they want to know how the experience affected you, not what the experience was. If the essay is well written, they shouldn’t care too much about a, but add more about how you developed as a result</p>
<p>yeah, it is really tough. I’m not too sure I can add more without repeating myself. Plus the “500 word rule” doesn’t help at all. Oh and any suggestions on how I can change it to not sound too cliched?</p>
<p>Topic 1 isn’t cliched- it’s actually a great way to see what perspective you now have from some experience. The problem is, many “helped the orphans” essays are cliche. As in, oh the poor children; now I realize how lucky I am.</p>
<p>Remember show-not-tell. The personal statement isn’t an essay with a nice twist at the end. You have to build toward the final point, not just say, ok and now I am frugal and inspired. Make what you saw and did- and what you felt- feel real to the reader. Show the reader your growth as you went through thr experience.</p>
<p>@lookingforward- Thanks. I think I need to put more about how I felt DURING my volunteering. I did talk alot about the guilt I felt before I did any volunteering with the orphans. but I think I talked too much about my guilt… anyways, what do you think about the fact that most of my essay is story and only 143 words are the actual analysis?</p>
<p>In a good essay, the reader starts to “get it” from the first paragraph. He doesn’t have to read and read and wonder where you’re going with this. But, remember, you have to do the show-not-tell thing. Not so much telling about feelings and guilt. More about challenges, realizations, etc. Each essay has it’s own natural course- just see how you can rethink this.</p>
<p>As hotair said, they want to know how the experience affected you, not what the experience was…how you developed as a result. Keyword: developed. That’s not just statements and conclusions. Show what you faced and how you learned and changed.</p>