<p>can someone tell me what they think of this…it’s the short answer part for the common app.</p>
<p>Cold ice sheets, tightly packed snow, and frigid temperatures all illustrate my most meaningful activity: hockey. Stepping into the chilled rink every day has demonstrated many lessons for me. While suiting up, coach would preach our beliefs. Perseverance, dedication, integrity, and resilience constituted a few of our principles. Hockey has presented me with multiple challenges. Despite our state championship goal, I have realized that it is unimportant as to what the goal is. Whether it be augmenting a communitys resourcefulness, ameliorating a poor village, or trying to score a goal, it must be done with positive energy, steadfastness and will. Hockey continually teaches me the game of life, the most important game played.</p>
<p>It is succint and has a clear message. good job. However, many of your word choices are questionable. Some examples of words that are a akward in context are: "as to what", "augmenting", and "ameliorating". It is very good that you alluded to what I assume is community service both local and abroad.</p>
<p>Now, I don't know anything about the common application. Is this what people generally refer to as the "college essay" or is it something else?</p>
<p>it's the short answer part of the common application that is supposed to be about 6 lines. The prompt say : describe which of your activities (ec or persoanl) has been most meaningful and why</p>
<p>i disagree. although there are a few iffy phrases i dont believe that on a college application you must sound colloquial. Talking? unless this tone parallels a greater meaning or serves to illustrate something a little more profound than you spending 5 minutes writing the first words that came to your head, you should stick with your current level of formality.</p>
<p>Since you are speaking about hockey, however, you can't be too formal using way off 3 centuries old diction, however, what is your purpose? Yes part of this is to show a little bit more about you, but the reason why a lot of these colleges have several short answers and the actual essay is to actually get a look at your writing skills. In a recent review many colleges reported being shocked with the poor writing skills of their freshman. Harvard, the grand-daddy of schools, recently had to institute a tutorial writing program! And in truth, some of the smartest people get absolutely nowhere because they dont know how to express themselves. </p>
<p>"despite our state ch....." you never told me what the goal really was. instead you told us what lessons you learned. a goal and a lesson are different so it sorta felt unbalanced. i understand what you were trying to say (the goal isn't what is truly important in the bigger scheme of things, but instead it is the tenacity and work that you put forward in realizing the goal.</p>
<p>While the dream of future victory at state championships goads us back to the ring at the start of every practice, it is the lessons that we are learning now which truly makes us champions. The necessity of positive energy, will, and steadfastness is drilled within us at every sound of the whistle and they prepare us for the most arduous game of all. Life.</p>