I’ve been working on writing my commonapp essay since this past April, brainstorming and struggling with what I want it to be about. I finally decided I wanted to write it on my experiences doing escape rooms with my friends, and how I have learned about myself and the world from them.
I spent like two hours and wrote out this essay that I was really proud of. I felt like it responded to the prompt well, it really displayed my personality well, and I was able to play around with it. My essay tutor really liked it, and all of my friends have said that I definitely put myself into my essay.
About 2 months after the original discussion with my tutor about how the essay just needs a few tweaks, my mother decides that he’s wrong. And that his wife is wrong, and that the college admissions officer that they know is also wrong.
She says that the essay “isn’t like me at all” and that this essay needs to say “as much about me as possible.” She forces me to change parts that I had devoted to how much I care about my friends, how much I enjoy puzzles and challenges, and how much I value communication, to (mildly exaggerated) “I like challenges and I do gymnastics so heres a challenge in gymnastics,” “In drama and at the food bank I am always compassionate and make sure people are happy,” and “When I did that research with those dragonflies that one time I wasn’t afraid to ask for help or to help others.” She is not letting me discuss my friends and how much I value being able to build an open community around me, because “the essay is about you.”
I know for a fact that using this essay to brag is useless. This essay will not get me anywhere. It isn’t me. I can genuinely barely make myself write it and amend it (over and over again) because I’m just blatantly lying onto a page in the one essay I’ve ever written where I’m supposed to show my personality.
I really don’t want to apply with her essay. I want to apply with my essay. That I wrote. That I’m proud of. But there is no way she’s going to let me do that, because this is the most important essay I’ve ever written and if I screw it up by not following her rules she’s going to lose her mind.
But I’m also afraid that she could be right. I wish there was a way for me to ask somebody which essay would be accepted, because I really want to show my true self in these essays, but my mother is so confident in her strategy, and I am so not confident in mine.
Oh, and her original idea was to write a, you guessed it, SOB STORY!!!
My tutor very blatantly shot that down, and I’m glad he did, because if I had to go fishing for pity about having weird bones that hurt a bunch I was going to go insane. I think she’s still a bit salty though.
Do you guys think I could “submit” her essay but then explain my situation in the other essay box with a google drive link? Or is that not possible?
No, you can’t submit your mom’s essay and explain why somewhere else. If I were the ad com and was reading that, I would think that you aren’t independent enough and not ready for college.
I want to shake your mom. This is YOUR essay! You get to decide the subject and content and frankly, it sounds great.
@compmom and some other helpful posters do read essays here via private message. Maybe they would be willing to read them both and give you their opinions.
Would your college counselor be willing to read both and intervene on your behalf?
Submit your essay! I never even read my oldest’s essay (her choice), edited some grammar issues with #2, and just read #3 and #4 (no input) and my kids edited #5. I did make #4 re-do a local scholarship essay, because it was total bs. It was for our local Italian American club on why bring an Italian american mean to me and my family. She wrote about our weekly Sunday dinners (?). I reminded her that many of the members actually knows our family (my German/Irish/Scottish parents were well known in town), and my husbands family (long time residents until 20 years ago). I said start over or just don’t do it. She wrote about DH’s father (95) and how much he gave back to the community, he coached and was an official at baseball, soccer, and softball games, no college but started his own business after the navy, everyone in town knew him, Eucharist minister in his church, his love of family, friends, town and giving back, that her father did the same, and she would like to as well. She got the scholarship. I thought her common app essay would focus on different areas of her subject (alopecia), but when I read it, is was her, I actually cried (during that time it was a subject she would not talk about, so some of the feelings were some I didn’t even know about, her voice was better than any idea I had from the outside looking in). It wasn’t a sob story, it was a growth story. Tell your story.
I have worked with many students here on CC. I will PM you.
I like to say that one of the most important things about an essay is likability. Bragging is not likable. And your accomplishments are most likely covered elsewhere.
Escape rooms sounds like an interesting topic.
I would add to you and your mom, that an outstanding essay may not be essential to your application. Of course it can help, but there are many other factors and colleges know that many get coached. You first want to do no harm: and bragging can do harm.
The students I have helped have gotten into Harvard, Princeton, Bates, Johns Hopkins, Tufts and other great schools. I would be happy to look at your essay. I hope that your mom is comfortable with that and that you don’t have to do it behind her back.
ps there was a similar situation last year with a son and Dad…Dad wanted to cram accomplishments into the essay. There are other ways to show accomplishments, including a supplementary essay on an EC. Or anything else you want them to know. But don’t repeat anything already covered.
My daughter wrote about tea and she uses it to bridge and make friends with people from other cultures (her interest) because who doesn’t love tea ?
Mom is very wrong.
Your activities are covered in activities and for some schools the supplementals.
My kid got into W&L, Florida, and other very solid schools.
Show mom the chain and everyone’s comments. Let her know you had such concern you decided to seek independent feedback.
Most importantly - this is your essay. Noting it’s not yours is likely instant disqualification. I get it - you’ll write her words- but then that’s in-authentic. If you note that it will also be disqualifying.
Note to mom - depending on the school, essays may or may not matter. But your child is becoming an adult. They will or won’t make their success. You have to let go little by little…starting now.
I am also a mom very intently interested in helping guide my DD23 (only child) through important challenges all her life. However, when it comes to the college application process, I am relying on my daughter and the professionals around her to provide the best advice. I don’t have access to her common application and only read/review/brainstorm when requested by her. We did agree on what colleges to apply but ultimately the decision among that list is hers to make. It’s her choices and mistakes to make - my job is make sure she is supported when she asks for help ( ok I do nag a little sometimes….)
Like your mom, letting go control over the process is very hard for me but through the help of this forum and other research, I believe this is best for my DD23.
TBH it is kinda hard to advise anything without knowing you and reading your essay. I know it is hard and very time consuming, but I’d recommend writing a second essay following your mom’s comments and then comparing the two. For example, not writing a word about a chronic health condition that in a way impacts your life and causes some real challenges for you, would be a mistake. On the other hand, if your essay is engaging, concise, and really well-written, it is going to be good enough for most colleges even if it does not reflect your personality 100%.
I completely disagree with this advice. I think if it is mentioned in the GC letter that this student had health challenges, and the student doesn’t mention it in their essay, it will make the student look stronger.
@compmom On the topic of bragging…I had read that talking about travels makes an applicant sound privileged and that that was a bad thing. This consultant advised against any essays about travel. What would you say about an essay that is about how family travels have inspired a student to approach learning in a new way (written with very specific details)?
I think a student should write about what excites them, molds them, etc. they needn’t talk about staying in the Hyatt to make their point but I personally don’t see anything wrong with travel of it can be tied to who they are, want to become, and show a person a college will want on their campus.
I think it’s fine. Of course it depends, as @st1203 indicated. How did they travel? Airnbnb’s or other stays in neighborhoods vs fancy hotel? Grocery shopping or cafe’s or fancy restaurants (we always shopped locally to get the vibe of an area, not that we travelled much!), practicing language with folks, train interactions. If the style of travel enabled getting to know the places visited in a way that had some depth, it could be especially interesting.
I also don’t think travel always indicates wealth.
thanks @compmom and @tsnba44, the essay doesn’t mention any travel logistics like lodging, but instead focuses on specific experiences abroad that sparked interest and fostered a deeper way of learning.
That’s generally easy to see reading the 2 versions - yours and moms, if you ask, can you see the applicant clearly.
These essays are mostly just that. No way to interview the 100k ucla applicants in person, only the essays to see who they are.
When essays are driven with passion, decisiveness, clarity, and your voice, they tend to read “real”.
If they’re written by mom, and if she’s not collaborating closely with you, then the “conflict”, the odd structure, grammar, word choice, focus, story tends to reveal themselves. Subtle signs make one feel “is this really you?” when reading mom crafted essays. (Unless of course she’s an accomplished writer capable of writing great essays for you.)
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Is “she right”?
Can’t really say unless both get a good read by people who love reading and have a solid grasp at writing essays for prompts (college entrance or class).
The basics will be easy to detect and rate - poor structure, vague focus, weak word choice, etc. Higher up - consistent point of view and voice, writing from the heart and truth, etc can be harder to rate depending on how good she is at guiding you.
