Competitive "friends"

Parents Forum
1

<p>I already posted this in the Princeton forum, but you always provide a mature and insightful perspective. I hope you don't mind the cross-post.</p>

<p>I'm a regular going anonymous to post this thread. I'm very easy to identify, but I honestly don't mind if YOU know who I am as long as the one person I know in real life who is aware that I post here doesn't connect this thread to me.</p>

<p>My close friend of six years and I are both applying to Princeton RD; we're two of four applicants from our very small private high school. I found out today (from a close friend whom I have no reason to distrust) that she's been acting very competitive about it behind my back, telling other people that she deserves to be admitted and I don't, and generally saying things about me that are, in my other friend's words, "not nice." My friend is a very competitive person and can sometimes be negative to the point of being bi**y, so in a way this isn't really unexpected, *but-- and I understand that she's nervous about decisions, but--</p>

<p>To be honest, I feel hurt and a bit betrayed, and the fact that she considers herself so clearly superior to me disturbs me. I'd be lying if I said I've never compared the two of us, but whenever it's come up in conversation, I've answered honestly but evasively -- "I don't know, I think we're about equally competitive." It's true: her GPA is slightly higher than mine, but my SAT is slightly higher than hers; both of us are strong writers; we're both heavily involved in the same school-sponsored activity and have excelled in different areas outside of school. We're both strong applicants, and we both stand a reasonable chance. Any other comparisons I've had in mind, I've made a point of keeping to myself, BECAUSE THAT IS THE CLASSY THING TO DO. THAT IS WHAT FRIENDS DO.</p>

<p>I'm not expecting an acceptance letter this Thursday, but only because it's Princeton, and the most qualified applicant in the world would be a fool to expect that. I want to say that I'd be happy for my friend if she's accepted and I'm not, and I probably still would be, but with some hesitation... because I know she wouldn't be happy for me, and she would have the backing of our circle of mutual friends (perhaps a third of our grade) in this.</p>

<p>I'm not sure what advice I'm asking for, because this is still very raw and emotional, but has anyone been in the same situation? Should I confront my friend about it? In the very unlikely event that I'm accepted and she's not, how do I get through the last two months of school? :eek:</p>

<p>Thanks for "listening," and sorry about the rant...</p>

2

<p>Lime,
Keep up the good work; let your dignity and classiness shine.
Say nothing (except Congratulations, if your friend gets in) regardless of your results.</p>

3

<p>I am sorry this has happened to you, but frankly I'm surprised this is the first time you have experienced teenage girls being mean and catty about you (including your close friends)!</p>

<p>I have two Ds about your age and I can tell you that this sort of judgmental criticism goes on CONSTANTLY among teenage girls. It is sad and disappointing, but I believe the root cause of it is insecure feelings about oneself. </p>

<p>It is easy to become indignant and shut down the friendship over it, but really if you can just understand that your friend is insecure and immature and her words are a "defense" mechanism to get her through potential disappointment, then perhaps you can eventually salvage the relationship and keep it for the rest of your life.</p>

4

<p>Waiting for college decisions bring out the worst in many people -- I had to go through hell during the wait, and I can truthfully say that I was not acting like myself at all. </p>

<p>I'm sure you guys will both get into great schools, so most likely, everything will work out in the end. It did for me =) Thank god for ED.</p>

5

<p>In my view there was nothiing to be served by your "close friend" telling you that your other friend was back stabbing you.My d was admitted to Princeton ed and she also attends a small private high school.It is quite competitive.Her group of friends didn't all get in early to YPS etc. and some were not gracious when she did. Your's friend's character is for her to deal with. If you get in to Princeton great. Same for her. Don't change the way you are because of something your "Close friend" told you.
The people who really care about you will be happy for you should you go to Princeton or elsewhere. Good luck to you. I remember my d was so nervous the last few days. By the way she did not expect to get in either. </p>

<p>If you'd like pm me and I'll give you my d's e-mail if you'd like to be in touch with her.</p>

6

<p>I went to a similar school. One person was accepted at a particular school early--it was a surprise to many because she was not very qualified for the school, and an extremely well-qualified applicant was rejected the year before (the school responded to this rejection, and the college may have been trying to make amends with us... or she may have been accepted on her own merit; I don't know). She wasn't very kind in general, and after this she made sure to talk a lot about how she knew where she was going to college and what a great school it was (and it is a great school). It was insensitive to talk like that when none of her group of friends had their schools decided yet and were worrying and stressing about the process. I was accepted regular decision. She was in the room when I found out and acted happy. A little later, I heard, she threw a fit in the hallway about it. We were in the same group of friends, just like you two are. Now, I never liked this girl much, anyway, and our other friends didn't really, either. I ignored it. Actions like these are immature, unnecessary, and insecure. I decided it wasn't worth my time. As long as your real friends are supporting you, don't give it another thought. If she brags to you about getting in, congratulate her, and leave it at that.</p>

7

<p>No, this is far from the first time that something like this has happened, but that actually makes me feel worse instead of better. Maybe I'm naive, but I don't think "judgmental criticism" is a necessary part of friendship -- I don't need that sort of drama and negativity in my life. We've been friends for six years and have many good memories together, but she's always had this vindictive, vicious side to her personality, and this isn't the first time that I've been bothered or upset by it (nor am I the only one who has).</p>

<p>I probably won't talk to her about it, but I'll definitely be cautious about discussing college acceptances (or anything college-related... or remotely personal, really) in the future.</p>

8

<p>I absolutely agree with Bay's assessment of the situation. </p>

<p>I also agree with cornfed that your close friend should not have shared this information with you, although it's a mistake many people make (not just young people). There is nothing to be gained by sharing hurtful gossip, and it does indeed hurt the person you tell. The finest people will always stop and ask themselves if it needs to be shared before doing so. Does it help? If not, keep it to yourself. This is a good life lesson.</p>

<p>I am certain you will realize your dreams --- if not at Princeton, then at another place that will allow you to learn & grow.</p>

9

<p>Happens at big public schools too. My d wouldn't even apply to some colleges because some of her more 'intense' friends were applying there as well. I fretted especially about one college and about her making her choices based on something so superficial...but she would have none of it. She told me "Mom, if I get in there and she doesn't, she'll make my life hell; if she gets in and I don't, she'll make my life hell. I don't want it (the college) bad enough to spend 5 months in hell." Still don't agree with it; but it is her life.</p>

<p>Just remember, the insecurities of others shouldn't affect you. And it's just a tough week for nerves for everyone...for your own sanity, you may just want to avoid her for awhile.</p>

<p>Good luck with Princeton btw!!</p>

10

<p>Don't forget that "character" is considered in admissions decisions. In that area you seem to have the edge.</p>

11

<p>

I think your daughter pretty much summed it up. :) I actually didn't even know where my friend was planning to apply when I made my list, and after I found out, I'd already fallen in love with it too much to second-guess my decision to apply... and statistically, neither of us is very likely to get in, which would take care of the problem (and makes her insane competitiveness look even more absurd). I guess I'm mostly just shocked that she'd tell people publicly (the specific incident I was told about took place at a party, not exactly in private confidence) that she's more "deserving" of an acceptance than I am. Even if she genuinely feels that way, I just assumed she'd keep it to herself.</p>

12

<p>I am so glad I'm not in HS anymore. And I graduated 31 years ago! Stories like this bring back bad memories.</p>

<p>My thought: The best thing you can do is grit your teeth, act polite to her in person, but know in your heart that she is not a true friend. In less than 3 months you will never have to see her again (unless you both get into Princeton, which we'll deal with later if that happens). I'm not sure I could have done that 31 years ago, but maybe you are more mature than I was then.</p>

<p>Of course, if it was a party consider that she may have been drunk at the time.</p>

13

<p>I toooooootttally feel your pain. </p>

<p>Except I have a completely different situation, where my friend did apply to Yale, and I applied to ASU, and therefore she believes she is automatically the better student. I chose ASU for several reasons, and we are pretty much the same academically, and we received the same merit scholarship from ASU, except she continues to have this elitist sentiment within her. </p>

<p>So, I choose to ignore it. I would be glad if she got into Yale, because then she wouldn't feel so 'terrible' by going to her flagship U, and if she isn't going to support where she ultimately ends up, then she shouldn't be going there. </p>

<p>Eh, all you can do is see what happens after your letters come in. Just don't call her jumping and screaming after you get your acceptance letter, definitely not a good idea. Better not to overthink the situation which usually makes it worse in my own mind.</p>

<p>My medicine? Talk to my mom, definitely have some sob fests, take a nap, watch a movie, and eat cereal.</p>

14

<p>Unfortunately that's the way people are, especially girls and this behavior doesn't only apply to college acceptances. My son & daughter have experienced this early on with travel soccer tryouts in elementary school. It's sad, but true. I'm very close with both of my kids and have worked hard with them so they focus on who they are and are comfortable with that and not worry about others. What my kids would tell you is that obviously your "friend" has her own set of insecurities. Yes, what she's doing isn't nice, but don't take it personally against you. That's just who she is & you happen to be her target this time.</p>

<p>Take the high road and GOOD LUCK. Let us know!!</p>

15

<p>
[quote]
I want to say that I'd be happy for my friend if she's accepted and I'm not, and I probably still would be, but with some hesitation... because I know she wouldn't be happy for me, and she would have the backing of our circle of mutual friends (perhaps a third of our grade) in this.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>Start your transition to college and becoming an adult now. Ask yourself several questions. Why do you assume that the "friend" that told you all this isn't mind tripping you? Second, do you think that a person who attempts to bring someone down in her attempt to elevate herself is worthy of your friendship? Third, do you see a problem in basing your feelings and actions on what you preceive as what "mutual friends" think?</p>

<p>There is less than 2 months until HS is over. You might want to start thinking about how you want to define a "friend" when you get to college.</p>

16

<p>
[quote]
this sort of judgmental criticism goes on CONSTANTLY among teenage girls. It is sad and disappointing, but I believe the root cause of it is insecure feelings about oneself.

[/quote]
I completely agree with Bay that the worst offenders in these situations are people with insecurity issues. However, social competitiveness is so prevalent in just about every sphere, from childhood on, that I also think it has a biological/evolutionary component. There are those people who genuinely don't have to assess their own accomplishments in the light of others'; there are also ethical ways to "compete" socially, and nice people learn them. The OP's acquaintance hasn't, yet.</p>