<p>I would not force him to go away to college. He is an adult, and capable of making his own decisions. The degree to which you wish to financially support a decision with which you disagree is up to you, of course; and he should know before he makes an irrevocable decision what all the consequences of that decision are.</p>
<p>It happens. Happened to a friend of mine a few years ago. D did a 180 one week before they were going to drop her off at a school 3 hours away. Another friend’s d did it two days after she arrived on campus 1,000+ miles away. Both those Ds finished college (locally to home), have careers and are now married. Boys were not the reason these two Ds 180ed. It’s not the end of the earth and will probably save you some $$ in the long run. Doesn’t matter what the reason is. Lay out the options and consequences and see what happens. Fortunately for many people the local option can sometimes squeeze them in without a break. I haven’t known any boys who 180ed, but most of the boys I’ve known either as my own or friends’ boys were rip raring to get away from home.</p>
<p>I feel for you. I would not be happy if my daughter decided that she wanted to stay home and go to the local CC with her boyfriend. I suspect that this is all about the girlfriend. I would encourage him to go away for the first semester, with the option to transfer to a school close to home if things don’t work out. I think that you should also discuss his concern about missing the GF. Maybe if you reassure him that he can come home for the weekend every few weeks, he will feel better. </p>
<p>I don’t think that it’s overly controlling to expect him to honor his committment.</p>
<p>I agree with the people who say he should go to the U he committed to. Once he gets there, he will probably thank you for making him go. He has no idea what college is about, and he will probably love it once he’s there. If the GF really wants what’s best for him, she’ll let him go. This is about his life, not hers.</p>
<p>Our kids have known the rule their whole lives… when you commit to something, you stick with it through the year/season. Then it is possible to reevaluate. Sounds like that rule has not been in place for this kid in the past, though, so it is harder to enforce it.</p>
<p>A couple of questions:</p>
<ul>
<li><p>Does he have any merit aid? He is likely to have a harder time getting merit aid and grants if he expects to transfer back as a junior. Those sweet deals they offer to some freshman are NOT usually offered to junior transfers.</p></li>
<li><p>When is orientation? Can he attend that before he would have to withdraw? He should be encouraged to do that. There was another thread out with with a very similar situation recently, and after spending some time on campus, the kid did another 180 and decided to attend after all.</p></li>
</ul>
<p>I do agree that in this case, you maybe could offer to pay for transportation home once a month to see the GF, and remind him she could come there to visit. My guess is that the turkey drop would happen anyway, since it doesn’t seem like his maturity level is very high.</p>
<p>You could suggest that he defer and work for a year, too… with the house rules you set out above. Or maybe a semester. That could preserve his financial aid deal if necessary.</p>
<p>I am a big believer in bringing in an unbiased third party-aka professional therapist - 1 to 2 sessions. Explore the issues & it will be a well informed decision and both sides should come to a consensus</p>
<p>Around Apr 30 a Dad on CC had a issue w/ I think it was D wanted to follow the BF to his college? The deposit deadline was looming. </p>
<p>I kind of forget but the link had great advice from many, (I stick w/ my hire a counselor route:) and I think they ended with a happy resloution (what the Dad wanted :)! And the Daughter had a better handle on situation.</p>
<p>
Legally maybe, but in truth an 18 year old boy is a very immature specimen who will often o make terrible decisions without adult guidance. The fact that the boy has offered no good reason for his change of heart would clinch things for me. He needs the adults in his life to save him from himself and insist on a year at the university.</p>
<p>^What MommaJ said. Kids don’t age overnight when the clock strikes midnight and they turn 18. They still largely need guidance, especially when there are hormones that are getting in the way of better judgment.</p>
<p>I agree with the moms and dads who said that you should frame it as - he should honor his commitment to the school for a year, and go. If the relationship’s real, it should survive a 3-hour distance for 4 years.</p>
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<p>I know all about immature 18 year old boys who make terrible decisions, having been one myself. But surest way to keep him immature is for “the adults in his life to save him from himself” by “insisting” on things.</p>
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<p>I agree. And the guidance I would give him would be to lay out the options for him, with the consequences of each. The options and consequences I would lay out would be: (1) go to the 4-year college, on my nickel, or (2) go to the community college on his own nickel, including room and board. I would make it clear that if he wants to launch his independent adult life, he can do so, but that means paying his own way. I would position the 4 year college option as a gift that I’m offering, which he is free to accept or decline; but that he cannot change the terms of the gift and say, “I’ll stay at home, at your expense, and go to CC, at your expense.”</p>
<p>Super easy… treat this like an intervention, because that is the only way to get him back on track and not ruin his life. </p>
<p>Let him know that you expect him to live up to his commitment as a man and if he does not you will not pay for a single thing for him. No community college, no bed to sleep in, no coming to your house. Cut the purse strings and all contact completely. </p>
<p>Whatever the other parent chooses to do is their decision, however let him know that you will not fund poor decisions and backing out of commitments. Letting this slide could lead this kid down a long slimy road where they choose to always make the poor and easy decision.</p>
<p>It may be the girlfriend. It may not be.</p>
<p>I know of two kids – one who lived in the room next to mine in my freshman dorm (briefly) and one who is the son of a colleague of my husband’s – who went away to college even though they were reluctant to do so, fell apart emotionally after they got there, and withdrew before classes had even started (but AFTER a substantial amount of the tuition bill was due). In the case of the girl who lived next to me, professional counselors at the college spent a lot of time with her and then strongly advised her parents not to force her to stay because they felt she would be at risk of harming herself if she had to stay at college against her will. </p>
<p>Both ended up living at home and commuting to nearby colleges, although I think they had to wait a semester or year before doing so because it was too late to start classes after they returned from the out-of-town university.</p>
<p>What I’m suggesting here is that the existence of the girlfriend might be providing your son with a socially acceptable excuse for making a change that he really wants to make because he is deeply uncomfortable with the idea of going away to college. I don’t know whether this is the case, but I think it’s a possibility. And sometimes kids who are forced to go away to college, against their own inclinations, do stupid things.</p>
<p>Can he defer his admission to the far away school and take a semester or 2 at the local community college? I wish my s’s were wanting to live home, rather than a place to do their laundry and grab a meal…</p>
<p>I feel your frustration but think that you cant force your son to do something he is dead set against. If he is so dead set, then if you force him to go away he may simply refuse to study and flunk out. I would try to explore more what are the reasons for his change of heart. If he stills wants to do this after you talk it out, how about allowing him to enroll in CC for the first semester and see how it works out? You and he can always reassess and consider transfer to a 4 year college that is commutable to your home. </p>
<p>Look at the bright side: if he chooses to stay at home, wont that save you a ton of money?</p>
<p>No advice here, but I feel for you. I am just thinking about one of my girls saying, “I have changed my mind, I want to stay home.” I probably would have walked away laughing, “It’s not April fool, right?” (the idea of them wanting to stay home, and I would let them change their mind…nah)</p>
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<p>The even brighter side is that if he changes his mind right now, the only money wasted is his deposit. If he changes it a few weeks from now, the whole semester’s tuition, room, and board could be lost.</p>
<p>Here’s the update. Mom had another talk with him, and backed our position. He is expected to honor his committment for at least a semester. It’s a risk, we know, but we are convinced that after much discussion the waivering began nearly immediately after DH had a conversation with DS about the likelihood that long distance relationships don’t work.
The timing is just too coincidental, and he was way too excited about going the week before.</p>
<p>It also turns out that although Mom has chosen to buy him a car, it was not communicated to DS directly. She told another adult, who unfortunately spilled the beans. So, for those that thought that she was secretly not onboard with his attending this particular school for financial reasons, it appears that is not the case. I absolutely believe that Mom is as thrown for a curve as we have been, and does not want him to attend Community College…at least not at this point.</p>
<p>DS is quite used to calling the shots. Out of the three parents involved, I tend to be the one that is the least willing to give ultimate decision making to kids, especially on my dime. In this particular situation, I don’t get a vote, so I can only encourage DH to go with his gut, and never discuss potential relationship pitfalls with him ever again, LOL! Hopefully both parents will continue to present a united front, and this will all blow over. </p>
<p>I’ve spent many sleepless nights after my youngest “vented” wondering how he would handle the college experience. Truth is, after a very rocky senior year of high school and a few bumps along the way his 1st semester sophomore year at college, he most recently had a 3.7 semester taking 18 credits, so I think that we’ve made progress. This from a kid that swore that he did not want to go away to college at all thru his entire senior year.</p>
<p>Ultimately he can’t be forced to go. I would imagine the school does not take kindly to parents chaining kicking and screaming students to the dorm rooms, so if he truly balks in the end it will be an expensive lesson learned. We do believe that it’s the right position to take, and we’ll have to hope for the best.</p>
<p>So here’s the bottom line communicated to DS:</p>
<ol>
<li><p>We expect that you will attend for the semester that you have commited to.</p></li>
<li><p>Keep your grades up, because if you do want to transfer to a school closer to home,
you will need them.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>As far as consequences if he chooses not to comply, we will stand by those in my original post. I imagine that he will continue to have total freedom and nearly all of his expenses paid at Mom’s house, which is probably where he will end up spending all of his time.</p>
<p>I appreciate the different viewpoints offered. In fact, DH was actually of the mindset that discouraging continued contact with the girlfriend once he’d gone was the right way to go. It seems as if most of you think that it’s a good idea to support visits, which is Mom’s position. I hadn’t really formed an opinion one way or another, but after reading these posts, I tend to agree with Mom. I spoke to DH this morning and told him that I thought that he should allow the relationship to run it’s course naturally. If Mom wants to provide a way for them to be together, it may actually be a good thing.</p>
<p>And how is he taking all that?</p>
<p>I was wondering if a visit to the school might help him remember the reasons he wanted to go there in the first place.</p>
<p>This sounds like a fairly new relationship, I don´t think it will even make it to what CC parents would refer to, “Turkey Drop.” </p>
<p>If you could, I think it would be a good idea for S to remain on campus as much as possible. It is what residential college is all about, a lot of bonding happens on weekends.</p>
<p>His last response was, “Fine, I’ll go to college and be miserable!”</p>
<p>We actually discussed a college visit for next weekend. The school is only 45 minutes away from our second home, so it’s pretty easy to spend some quality time there over the next couple of weeks. He’s already attended orientation, so I suggested that DH take him and get DS to act as tourguide.</p>
<p>Girlfriend is about to leave with her family on vacation for 2 weeks, so the idea is to use that time to focus on preparations that could get him back to looking forward to the experience.</p>
<p>
This is pretty good, actually. Since he probably won’t be miserable, things are likely to turn out fine. If it goes that way, resist the urge to say, “I told you so.”</p>