Not sure where to ask this question …As a parent - I am not sure he should be leaving home hours away on his own right now… the bill for his college is due in two weeks…I don’t know what to do !@ This all played down last night… I have not talked to him. but his brother was there & a friend…other son does NOT think he should be leaving home on his own right now after this tremendous loss in his life… who should I talk too?
So sorry for the turmoil, and I know your heart is breaking for your child. DON’T DO ANYTHING. Breathe. Let your child breathe. It has been just a few hours, and yes there is devastating hurt here. But it is your child’s hurt, not yours. Let your child take the lead in this situation. Take your cues from him. You can’t take the pain away, and it may feel worse in the short term as he figures out how to grieve this loss.
Love him, hug him, and let him know you believe in him. No pat answers, just “I love you” and “how can I help?” Don’t say bad things about the girlfriend, or say it’s better to break up now as you head off to college. Those things might be true, but your child is not ready to hear that now.
If, after a week, he seems stuck, you can ask him if he wants help in working through this. If he says yes, then you can find a counselor or pastor for other adult he trusts to talk with him.
How far away is your son going for college? Were you worried about the distance before the breakup? Is he the kind of kid who you had confidence would find his way, search for his “tribe” and join clubs on his own? Does he know anyone else who is going to attend this same college? Is the ex-girlfriend going to attend the same college?
This is so difficult for anyone ending a longtime relationship. It often happens at Thanksgiving-- and is known as the “Turkey drop”. But be supportive-- let him know you are there for him, and that the counseling services at his school are there to help with the transition to college. Let him go and start his new life-- not stay home while everyone else is leaving. IMO that would be worse.
Powercropper asks important questions. Were they planning to attend the same college? If so, it could be awkward (but not insurmountable, especially if it is a fairly large school). If not, what a great opportunity for your son to get a change of scenery, which is a helpful component in overcoming a breakup. Remember that it’s part of growing up.
He should not have to change his academic plans and potentially turn his life upside down for a while because she broke up with him. This happens a lot, and they handle it. And his brother (dont know how old-- older? younger?) shouldnt be having input, IMO, into whether his sib should leave home. He may lack the maturity to opine in a helpful way. And its been less than 24 hours. Sit on it. Let him grow up and take on his life, with its ups and downs. It is very sad, but no reason to interrupt his academic plans.
I like @powercropper 's suggestions. When I went off to college at 18, I broke up with my high school sweetheart by Thanksgiving (classic). It happens. It would devastate me to know that my boyfriend back then radically changed his life because of me. That’s a great deal of pressure to put on an 18 year old female (or male if the tables were turned).
A 4 year relationship that begins at 14 is different than one that begins at 25 (but I wouldn’t say that to him).
Yes, it hurts. I’d just let him sit with that, and listen if he wants me to.
This is a blessing. Lots of kids break up with boyfriends/girlfriends before college. he’s starting a new adventure and a new life. Much harder would be sitting at home…where nothing changes.
Yes, I wish I had broken up with my high school boyfriend BEFORE I went to college! We hung on until I was a college junior, and THAT was devastating. My grades tanked that semester.
Agree it’s entirely too soon to turn even more in his life upside down.
One of mine had a bad breakup and a seriously lousy couple of days. She was at college and we drove up there in a flash. OP is more fortunate her son is still home right now. But altering his life to avoid starting school seems drastic.
OP, I am very guilty of trying to keep my children from hurting. We see their pain and we want to do all we can to insulate them from it. What you are feeling is very natural, and I believe it is a God-given instinct to protect our children. So when I say sit back and let your child process his grief, I KNOW it is not easy.
Yes, this will affect how he transitions to college life, but it doesn’t have to define his experience. Your role could be to instill confidence in his ability to transcend his hurt. I sent a lot of short, silly letters, cartoons, and puns to my D as a new college freshman. It was something in my control, something positive I could do to bring a smile to her face. You know how your child thinks, and you are an important part of his life. Your attitude and demeanor can make a difference in whether he gives up on his future and sits at home doing nothing but reliving the past, or whether he believes he can start a new chapter at college and figure out how to work through his hurt.
Go on to school like was planned. I feel your son’s pain, though likely not nearly as bad - my first romantic relationship just ended a couple days ago, but we had only been together about 7 months and we hadn’t gotten physical. My mom went through a traumatic break-up with a guy that been her boyfriend of sorts for 4 years at the end of high school, just 3 days before she started college. She met the man who is now my dad (been married 30+ years) the first day of classes.
Thank you all for your replies… I left too much out when I posted this… actually I never meant for him to not go at all… but he has an opportunity to switch to the college he planned to go too (closer to home- just 20 minutes away) but altered his choice DUE to this GF -going to a higher priced school… FOR HER… so it is a toss up… to stay with his plans (higher priced school almost 2 hours away- will not know anyone at all) vs… college (christian college -which son is) -both known for Engineering (good schools)… it is less costly … and we are there for him… also he knows some people going there…
Our son & this GF have not slept together. they are both really good kids… not the norm… oh they could be lying… though I doubt it… myself & husband waited for intercourse till we married… not saying it was easy… but our kids were raised with more traditional values… (not very common today I realize)…
Since all of this … I have been very pleased with his friends being there for him… one spent the night last night… he has been talking to us all… also myself… Older brother came home… he visited the neighbor. another good buddy had him & other brother (11 months younger) spending the night at his house tonight … he is surrounded by support here…
What is worrying ME is… he is hanging on to HOPE with this girl… I don’t see it… and his friend is concerned when she no longer will talk to him… cuts him off and he feels the finality of this…
I realize there are many people who can MOVE ON easier over others… I am not trying to take on his pain… ALL I care about is his emotional health here… to NOT do something stupid… younger son did tell me he started to cut himself with his 1st love break up and that was MINOR… compared to this being near 4 yrs…
I posted on another forum I belong to…and you have those who feel it might be best to be closer to home… considering he is taking this so hard… vs those who feel - he will be fine! Don’t change anything… again… both schools are good options. … she will NOT be going to this school… but when she does go to college (next year) she will be 5 minutes away from this higher priced school. which is also a concern for myself & husband as we have another son to pay for next year. if they both go to this christian college (both wanting to take engineering anyway- one chemical , the other mechanical) -they can even Drive to school together…and both can save alot of money… all of these things are factors…
I did call both Colleges this morning and he has time to change -if he wants… husband feels he is LOST right now… so not getting too much constructive anything out of him… other than he wants to win her back. he spent hours today outside learning the guitar (2 brothers play but he never learned) so he could sing a song to her (Older brother told me this) thinking he is going to win her back…
I WANT HIM TO MOVE ON… not be pining for her… if I could will this into existence. so he’d pull up his boot straps… I would… but it’s very delicate right now… too raw.
If he has a history of self destructive behavior , ie cutting, I would keep him closer to home. I would explain to him why I feel that this is the best choice for right now. I’m sure that it will not be a popular decision, but it will probably be the safest one. Have you asked your other son why he feels like he should not leave right now? He may have more information than you do. I’ve always been one to listen to my gut.
Just my opinion. The decision to change colleges has to be a clean one, so that, as time passes, he trusts the choice and isn’t second-guessing himself. Instead of complicating it with thoughts of either getting back together or avoiding her, he needs to simply choose what he thinks is the best all-around fit with the right range of opportunities. Then trust.
So are you saying she could be 5 minutes from the $$ school? And it’s his younger brother he could commute locally with? He still needs to make his best independent decision. If you can better afford one over the other, hopefully that has been part of the discussion, all along.
I am so sorry your s and your family is going through this. But you have to let your s grieve to heal. The process cannot be rushed or controlled. Here is a simple piece on the grieving process in the context of the end of the relationship. I understand your desire to have him change schools, and you may be right but for it to work he needs to make the choice. My guess is he may be doing this already but if not he needs to turn to his faith to offer up his suffering redemptively.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/inside-out/201309/the-5-stages-grieving-the-end-relationship
CaraloniMomof2 boys… it was my 3rd son who did some cutting ON HIMSELF when his 1st love broke up… so yeah he is surely looking through his own experience here… and this being his brother who had so much MORE (3 + yrs invested) it is even comparable. . Now granted 3rd son is more INtroverted… 2nd son (this one who got dumped ) is more popular, makes friends easier , had more girls after him… all that… so this does help !
To be honest… we had money down on the 1st cheaper college close to home… ($7,000 cheaper out of our pockets a year)… but I allowed him to choose the higher priced school - for this girl…
Now imagine… Income $65,000 a year… (5 kids at home)… we are facing paying out of our pocket $10,000 for his 1st year… next year add brother… can we afford $20,000 a year for both sons … and the price only goes up… if they both go to college 20 minutes from our house… and commute… WOW… the savings…
Or will 3rd son feel Jipped if I tell him - “Hey we can’t afford for you to go where other brother is going” … he already knows this… and here is the clincher… 2nd son (the one devastated by break up) -he is the christian - who should go !@#
3rd son is not a christian… and doesn’t want to take those classes (if he commutes, he won’t have too).
so yeah… many factors here… and not much time to get it all together . This seems a great community ! Appreciate the responses…
These are the Colleges in question… University of Pittsburgh (not that high priced in reality but he had NO scholarships & his grades not good enough to get main campus)…
He has to start out in Greensburg Pa… and IF his grades aren’t kept at 3.0 GPA…he will be rejected for Main Campus…in Pittsburgh next year… She will be attending Duquesne University (she is the 2nd in her class… she WILL get in) -it is 5 minutes from there Oakland campus… free bus passes… why I felt it was all mean to be -when he choose this path, I was investing in HIS future and hers… figured we’d come up with the money… Somehow.
We do not want to take out loans for our kids… too many left at home…
but again… this has shattered to the ground… This College is hugely challenging… can our son even make it ?? I don’t know… I am trying to be realistic here…
Oh the christian college is… Geneva College… It is even higher priced but they were throwing scholarships at him ( like 3) so the price out of our pocket… so much less !
If you’re concerned about his health because of the breakup, then perhaps it would be wiser to keep him closer to home. What were the reasons for the breakup, if you don’t mind me asking?
Again, so sorry for the loss.
Reasons for Breakup…well I WILL Blame my son for this -really… he wasn’t giving her enough attention… it was as simple as that… He would choose his friends over her… things like this… I seen it coming. I even warned him… a few times asking… are you sure you 2 are right for each other… even telling him… if he wants this GIRL and to keep her. he was screwing up… she would even make excuses for him- like “he doesn’t know what he is doing”… she felt she cared more … I felt bad for her even…it was nice she talked to me… Now because she always put up these GLOWING posts on FAcebook… my son THOUGHT they were GOOD… even a week before… she was going on how HE IS HER WORLD… while slowly her feelings were being chipped away… Can never trust Facebook posts… i would say she was “Over compensating” - you know… so there I was… the EVIL Mother telling him… he is screwing up… she will leave his sorry Butt… and Yep… that’s exactly what happened… I told him straight up… she is a seemingly SWEET PASSIVE FEMALE who will slowly build a silent resentment… then she will BE DONE…
I was right on… not that I am happy about it. … but yeah… anyway… he spent the night at friends… I see he deleted his posts about “falling to pieces” and changed his Profile pic to a smiling Himself (alone) and his cover page to a group of friends standing in the Ocean… I think this is Progress… he’s had lots of support this last 33 hours since the breakup…