<p>My Stepson expressed nothing but desire to live on-campus, far away from home throughout his Senior year. He only applied to schools that were 2+ hours away, one was a plane ride away. He was accepted at, and since registered at a University approximately 3 hours away from home.</p>
<p>We've had the celebrations, we've bought the sweatshirts, we've filed all of the paperwork. As of this week, he has told both parents that he refuses to go. He now wants to attend Community College and live at home.</p>
<p>We think that it's tied to a girlfriend that has since entered the picture. Mom's talked to him. Dad's talked to him. Both parents have maintained that he should honor his committment for at least the upcoming semester and table any further decision until he's had the experience.</p>
<p>What do you do in this situation? He had the option to apply to 4 year Universities that were within an hour or so from our home, and refused to do so. Now, he's adamant about living at home.</p>
<p>We've already communicated that his freedoms would be limited if he chooses to stay at home. There are still two teenagers in the home, and all the adults in the equation work....so no late night comings and goings allowed. We've told him that he would be responsible for paying for any/all of his entertainment, so he'd better find a job. Basically we've tried to make the about face seem as uncomfortable as possible so that he'll reconsider.</p>
<p>We're running out of ideas. Anyone have any experience with this? Our last child who left the nest was exactly the opposite. He had serious reservations about living on-campus before the application process began. He warmed up to the idea (and loves living away from home btw) only after he was accepted at a University about an hour from home.</p>
<p>Can anyone put a horse’s head in the girlfriend’s bed for you? Seriously, can you make an agreement with him to give the first semester a shot so that the money isn’t lost? Can dad and mom agree to present a united front that if he doesn’t give the semester a try that they won’t provide any money to him?</p>
<p>Unfortunately, mom and dad aren’t likely to present a unified front about anything, LOL.</p>
<p>Fortunately, at this point there is very little money that would be lost…a few deposits, but school doesn’t start for another month.</p>
<p>Basically, if he chooses not to go to his chosen school in the Fall, we would provide his tuition for Community College and that’s about it. He’s reported that mom would buy him a car. Are you starting to see the chink in the armor? We may need two horse heads.</p>
<p>We don’t want him to miss this opportunity due to a knee-jerk reaction, which is likely the girlfriend but could be last minute jitters. We also want him to move out so that he’ll have the chance to grow, for his benefit and ours.</p>
<p>“Basically we’ve tried to make the about face seem as uncomfortable as possible so that he’ll reconsider.”
-Support your kids. They are your kids before they are students at whatever place. Why you would control so much the one who you dearly love? He will learn to control the one that he loves. This is the only outcome, there is nothing else, no positive result with this approach. </p>
<p>I went to CC myself, got professional position according to my Associate Degree. Various employers paid for the rest of my education all thru MBA. I have family, raised 2 kids, worked full time my whole life, except for CC years. I love my job and was able to find 9 positions in very economically depressed region of the country. There is nothing wrong with whatever way, people are different and their ways are different. We all pay for our mistakes, but as long as we learn from them, they also benefit us tremendously.</p>
<p>I’d be cautious about pushing him too far. He has every ability to go the the distant college and mess up really, really badly just to prove that you’re wrong. Mess up in ways that may be hard to recover from or that limit his future options far more than a year or two at a CC ever will. </p>
<p>Some people are experiential learners. He might be one of them. He’s not likely to let your experience determine his choices, and you’ll save a lot of money and aggravation if you don’t try. </p>
<p>CC is a cheap place for him to learn what he values, and why. He can transfer to a four-year school – near or far – in a year or two; he’s clearly not going because he needs to bring his grades up. On the scale of battles worth having, I don’t think this one rates very high – and at a time when it is so important to for parents to choose their battles, I’d let this one completely go.</p>
<p>What about saying, “This is such a turnaround in your choices/ideas/plans that we want to make sure you’re making the right decision. Would you please speak to (fill in the blank, someone outside of the family like clergy, a professional counselor, a coach, the high school counselor).” </p>
<p>If your stepson agrees, and I’d sweeten the deal however you can to make such a meeting happen, the person he meets with should do some listening to try to find out what’s really at issue. Girlfriend? Cold feet? Something else?</p>
<p>Some quick, short-term counseling might be in order.</p>
<p>" -Support your kids. They are your kids before they are students at whatever place. Why you would control so much the one who you dearly love? He will learn to control the one that he loves. This is the only outcome, there is nothing else, no positive result with this approach. "</p>
<p>I don’t disagree with you. I do disagree that expecting him to pursue the path that he chose is a lack of support or a matter of control. Had he chosen CC from the onset, we would have supported him. He’s changing his mind at the last minute, and hasn’t offered up a viable reason as to why. If it’s as we suspect, that he’s reluctant to leave his new girlfriend, then that’s a pretty poor reason, and a decision that we feel should not be supported.</p>
<p>Ugh, this is a tough situation. I would get a mediator to help with a family meeting. I would say that it would be in your best interest to have the girlfriend (and hopefully her parents) present as well. Maybe nothing will result in this, but it’s worth a shot. A mediator can help keep the tone calm and respectful (they’re trained at this!). I think that if the girlfriend understands that she would be “holding him back” from reaching his previous goals, that she may start to have your perspective and become more encouraging for him to go. There is nothing wrong with community college, but this is an obvious impulse decision that is made under a “seratonin high”. Good luck!</p>
<p>Try to figure out what the problem is and then try to work with him to see a solution. If it really is the girlfriend then point out that he can come home every weekend to see her. I know he might not have a car so help him figure out how the bus would work.</p>
<p>I had a friend in high school who was very committed to her boyfriend but went away to college anyway and this is how they worked it. It was very hard for the two of them to be separated and she left school after a couple of years and they got married, but at least she gave college a fair try.</p>
<p>Many leave thier GFs, BFs. Some continue with long distance relationship, some do not. I would not pay too much attention to this fact. I cannot believe it is the only reason or if it is #1 reason. But I am an outsider. And IMO, nothing you can do, but support your kid. He might change his opinion later on. Life is full of surprizes, we got to stay flexible, rigid approach is never good.</p>
<p>I would really suggest if at all possible meeting with a mediator with both parents to come to an agreement and present a united front, whatever that might be. If the son was waffling in the least bit and mom had money concerns she may have seen this as an opportunity to plant the seed “hey, if you stay at home and go to CC I am more than happy to buy you a car”. It comes across as his idea, she looks like a gem, but her overall outlay may be far less. It may not be the case, however you need to find out where she stands and why. Communication can not be through an 18/19yo.</p>
<p>The girlfriend may stick around for the long haul, who knows? She is probably a good part of the decision on the son’s part. She needs to be taken out of the equation, not because she won’t be there, but because a gf is not a reason to make (or change) a decision. Tread very carefully not to diminish the relationship. He will shut down, just put it in perspective.</p>
<p>My instinct would be to strongly encourage the young man to go for a semester and then transfer to another four year university closer to home if that’s what he wants. This is not going to happen if the parents are not united. Even parents that have the WORST of break ups can and do put the kids first. I would not believe it if I had not seen my SIL do it. It IS possible with a lot of work.</p>
<p>Thanks everyone…especially for the reference to the “seratonin high”. Obviously, it’s the complete turnaround at the 11th hour that’s causing the upset. What we really don’t want to happen is for him to miss the opportunity to start with the rest of the Freshmen (including his best friend of 10 years + that’s also attending there), and then to break up with the girlfriend by October, and have serious regrets. The girlfriend is still in high school, and the rest of his friends will be moving on to various universities. He has been emphatic about attending this University for a year now, so expecting him to try for at least one semester feels like a reasonable compromise to us.</p>
<p>This whole situation reminds me of a similar one a couple of years ago. Stepson is a member of a travel team. He had been looking forward to a tournament weekend several hours from home for months. At the last minute, he refused to go. We found out later that his girlfriend (different one) had promised a “special treat” for Valentine’s Day (the tournament coincided with the holiday). It didn’t matter that hotel reservations were made, a committment had been made to the team, or anything else…the only thing that mattered was the pursuit of the “seratonin high”.</p>
<p>^C’mon, he is not 50 yet, he is right, it does not last forever. Did we become old overnight? Or maybe we were in HS also at some point of our lives?</p>
<p>What a tough situation. Of course you want to support him, but that means helping him work through a huge last-minute change of heart. There must be a third party he trusts and could talk to–GC, coach, mentor. And I think, if he lives with you, a session or two of family counseling could help get through to the real question here. The college is only three hours away-- that is hardly an insuperable barrier to his relationship with his gf. I’m guessing there must be some other unresolved issues-- maybe for all his protesting he’s a little afraid to leave. Or-- could be any number of things, and it could be that it would be more appropriate for him to stay home for a year. But such a huge, unexplained change of heart suggests there is more here than meets the eye, and that is very much worth exploring.</p>
<p>We had someone in the extended family who decided at the last minute to not go out of state to school, but to live at home and attend the local U. It was because of a boy.</p>
<p>Fast forward many years–They later married, she graduated from the local U and are happy parents of 3 kids. Sometimes, it all works out.</p>
<p>I am surprised, I am probably in the minority here. He has committed to the U, he goes to the U for at least one semester. My feeling is once he is there he will have a great time, and forget about the GF and if he doesn’t she will still be there. How many of these summer romances last? Of course, as the step, you probably don’t have much say but I would be pushing for him to go to where he has committed.</p>
<p>^^ Agree with mamom. I think he should go to the U and give it a try. That was the commitment and the plan. I think staying home is a bad idea. I don’t see it as being “controlling” at all. He should go away to college.</p>
<p>I’m with mwc and mamom. Make a deal that he goes away to college for a year as planned and then you’ll sit down next summer to reassess the situation.</p>
<p>My sister tried to back out of going to college and told my parents she wanted to enlist in the Air Force. She was only 17 and my parents felt she was making a rash decision. They brought in our “wise old” aunt to mediate and it was agreed that she would go to college for a year then decide when she was 18. Well, she never looked back, got her degree and even went to grad school.</p>
<p>SIL, on the other hand, was accepted to UCLA and met BF while working the summer before freshman year. She changed her mind about going to college and parents allowed her to stay home. Long story short, she’s a divorcee with two grown children and in a job without opportunity to advance without a degree.</p>