Completely inexperienced dad looking for some guidance

Prep School Admissions Prep School Parents
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Off the top of my head…

Concord Academy was all girls until 1971. They’re pretty academically rigorous, even though they eschew things like class rank.

The Cambridge School of Weston was previously known as the Cambridge-Haskell School, and the Cambridge School for Girls. During the Depression, the school moved from Cambridge to their current location and became co-ed.

@dadof4kids , your D8 sounds like she would really benefit from one of the less traditional schools. It takes a leap of faith to the abandon “traditional” route, but why wait until college to (hopefully) find your tribe? Your daughter yearns for a place where the culture is such that would-be mean girls are viewed as oddities - and yes, there are schools out there like that.

And yes, some of these loosey-goosely nontraditional schools actually have decent college placement - they focus on the individual.

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Two kids of friends went to Concord and would concur that it’s a pretty warm environment.

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I would second Cambridge School of Weston, CA and Putney for social justice. Rivers is also thought of as nice and less competitive. CA and CSW also have a strong left leaning vibe. ( center and others would not be a fit), low/no pressure and no real athletics. Rivers is well known for its music program.
Geography matters. A lot. It’s hyper competitive for kids coming from the same schools and states much less so for people not in the typical BS areas. If you are from a state with few candidates you will stand out. Most BS students are from NE, the mid Atlantic and Asia. Kids coming from areas without a BS tradition will likely do very well.
Very few BS are religious though many have religious ties. Most use their chapel as a place to give speeches and open dialogue on important topics. A handful have religious services. That’s part of finding the fit.
All BS have diverse student groups and most lean left so I would doubt she’d have an issue there but she should check out the vibe. Some are more open to dialogue across groups and others are not.

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Sorry to jump in so late. Lots of great responses so far!

@dadof4kids - I may have missed it, but do you have geographic limitations?

We came into this BS thing in a similar timeline and for similar reasons as you. Our son went to public schools and in the summer before 8th grade figured out that the social scene and options weren’t going to fit for high school. Never thought about BS, no one here does BS, and I came here to research. I just didn’t have the guts to post. You have time to figure this out.

Your gut instinct is probably right that the likelihood of your DD finding her tribe will be better at BS than at a huge public high school. The cultures are so different at BS, the density of kind, studious, interesting kids is so much higher. It is just easier to meet like-minded kids.

Yes there are mean girls at BS, but they are easily avoided. There are uber wealthy kids, and some keep to their own kind. But most are down to earth and amazing in their own right.

I wouldn’t sweat the lack of ECs. Schools, especially the small ones in my opinion, are looking for kids who are about community. That translates into (1) being a good person, and (2) a willingness to try anything and an openness to new experiences. That is a state of mind, not necessarily a pre-existing track record. Also, small schools might be more open to non-recruitable level athletes.

I second Northfield Mount Herman and George and the girls schools, but they are plenty of others that fit in the venn diagram of kind, small-ish, with volleyball, good academics and financial aid. I would not rule out the top 10ish schools, but there are lots of fabulous schools to investigate outside of the big names, and it sounds like DD is a fit for them.

Good luck with your search, and if I can help, please let me know. We have zero regrets about BS. Best decision we ever made.

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Thanks for all of the continued comments and suggestions.

I first floated this idea by D and my wife on Monday. I was frankly surprised that W didn’t shoot the idea down immediately. The two of us talked pretty extensively about it without D present today. W is a bit sad at the thought of D moving away 4 years earlier than we planned. However, she also thinks that if we can pull this off it is probably what is best for D, and ultimately her having a good experience is more important to us than being able to be there to witness it on a daily basis. Certainly we aren’t at the point we will push it, but I think we are getting firmly to the point where we plan on doing what we can to provide an option. If that is successful, it will be up to D what she wants to do. Worst case scenario, she gets a dry run at the college application drill, and hopefully learns a bit about herself and what she is capable of. That’s probably worth it even if she gets shut out of affordable admissions, or decides in April that she actually wants to stay here instead.

I think where we are today is that after having a few days to let it gel, the 3 of us all still think that very possibly this will turn out to be a better alternative for her next year. No commitments have to be made at this point, so I think we are going to proceed as if she is going to BS next year. The current plan is also that this is going to be handled on a need to know basis. Other than the necessary people at her school, I don’t plan on discussing this with anyone IRL who doesn’t live in my house until we have an offer in hand.

I feel like I was plucked from 1950 and handed an iphone. There is just so much information to try to figure out. As someone pointed out, at least our family is somewhat familiar with the selective college process. So I guess we have that going for us.

I’m sure I will have more questions soon, maybe in a few days, maybe later tonight if I can’t sleep. I’m kind of at the point I’m trying to figure out what my questions even are.

@CateCAParent we don’t really have geographic limitations. I don’t share my state on the public forums, because that is the one piece of info I withheld a few years ago when I was getting help with S19. I gave enough info on the recruiting boards that if you have his state it’s a 30 second Google search to find his name. Which I don’t care that much about, but he would. I am pretty free with that info in PM’s if you find it helpful though. I just don’t want it out there where anyone can see without at least asking me for it.

Generally speaking, the closer to the middle of the country the better. Which means my odds of a drivable school aren’t great. Beyond that, slight preference for the Northeast, because S19 is there now and most of the schools D21 is applying to are in the Northeast. Although D and I both love the Pacific NW, so even though that’s less convenient I’m happy to have a reason to spend more time in Oregon or Washington. An airport Southwest flies into nearby is a plus. Having given you all of that contradictory information, the bottom line is that it doesn’t matter. Except for a couple schools I will have to get on a plane. So the difference between a flight to San Francisco or to Boston is minimal.

I guess I am a bit leery of southern schools, due to the political leanings of their students. Any place that isn’t at a bare minimum 50/50 liberal democrats is probably not a great fit. She has been surrounded her whole life by conservatives, and doesn’t want that experience.

One place I could use advice is just trying to figure out how these places are different. Honestly from the several websites I’ve been on, I see lots of similarities. As I have mentioned before, I’m not really interested in prestiege. If it comes, that’s great but that’s not the goal. As long as it is a place that has solid college placement, I’m happy. I want to find a place that is a good fit. I’m just not sure how to do that. Honestly I don’t know what a good fit would be yet.

I’ve mentioned some things I think would be good for her, but they are scattered in my several long posts. I think I’ll try to come up with a coherent list of what she might be looking for and then see what all of you can come up with for suggestions. Although to be honest, even though I don’t know much about Millbrook, I think the fact that they have a zoo would trump all other considerations for her. Since the number of BS with a zoo is a grand total of one, I guess I should come up with some other criteria.

Again, thanks for all the help, I really appreciate it and appreciate anything else that any of you could add.

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One of the wealthiest and best-regarded boarding schools in the Midwest is Culver Academies, in Indiana. However, it’s also one of the very few boarding schools on the conservative side, with an emphasis on leadership, service and tradition. Though I know of one politically liberal family whose daughter attends Culver and apparently loves it, I think your obvious antipathy toward people you believe to be conservative would disqualify it for your family. But your daughter might think differently than you and be open to it. Kids your daughter’s age go through stages and say all sorts of things to manipulate their parents, so she may not feel the way you think she does about being around people of certain political outlooks.

Another school you might want to look at is Western Reserve Academy, in a lovely town called Hudson, OH, between Akron and Cleveland. Though it’s conservative in the sense of a formal dress code, it’s likely very liberal in thought. I imagine it’s kind of like attending an East Coast boarding school but doing so in Ohio. It has a relatively new female head of school who was formerly head of school at an all-girl’s school. It’s a small school in terms of number of students, but it provides quite a bit of financial aid. Plus, it’s probably easier to get into than East Coast boarding schools of similar quality and reputation.

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@ameridad thanks for the advice. Sometimes things don’t come across well online. I am on the liberal side, although honestly I’m more of a moderate Democrat, who is to the right of both parties on free trade and small business issues right now. Most of my friends are Republicans, although not avid Trumpers necessarily. It is not so much antipathy towards conservatives, so much as I think it’s a poor fit for D.

D is a bleeding heart liberal, and she is surrounded by people wearing MAGA gear and making it clear that if she doesn’t feel the same way it is a character defect. It’s wearing on her. If she was at a place that was fairly apolitical, or that was pretty balanced with lots of voices on both sides, I think she would be fine. But I think some of the issues she has socially go back to the emotional drain of dealing with this on a daily basis. I’m a lot better about being able to compartmentalize, she isn’t. Partly due to age, but partly to personality. It isn’t wanting to shield her from any particular views. She gets that already, and will continue to get it from friends and family from here. If anyone wants to try to convert her, good luck. I don’t see it happening.

I think one of the potential benefits of college, and probably BS, is being able to be around people with a different perspective than what you are surrounded by at home. If I was living in San Francisco or New York, I may feel differently and think that it is a good thing to have her experience living in a conservative dominated place for a few years. Honestly I think that we all would be more tolerant if we had to spend a bit more time with people who thought differently than we did. I have liberal friends who think conservatives are evil, and conservative friends who feel the same way about liberals. Honestly both sides get a bit misguided at times, but most people are fundamentally good people. I think it is easy to get wrapped up in what we are seeing on tv or reading and lose sight of that. She is losing sight of that right now. I want her to get some balance.

But like most parenting decisions, I’m kind of faking my way through it. What is the right decision? I guess check back in 10 years and hopefully it won’t be clear that I messed up.

Again, thanks for the opinions, I do appreciate it. I come here to get different perspectives, and sometimes for people to tell me I’m on the wrong track and need to course adjust. I’m here for the help, not unconditional love. I have a golden retriever, so I get lots of unconditional love already. :smile:

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@dadof4kids Honestly, I’d bet money that no one at any NE boarding school is wearing a MAGA hat. ( Perhaps a sum total of ten at most). One of my nephews had a story from a few years ago about just this topic which he told at Thanksgiving. He attended a pretty conservative school also.

For our family, having an open dialogue and people from many walks of life not only economically, racially, LGBTQ but also politically was important. We didn’t find that at all schools so you might want to keep that in mind. Some were directional ( left in these cases) that dissent was NOT going to be tolerated. My kid is truly middle of the road and likes to hear both sides so didn’t even bother to apply to some schools ( some are on your list, FYI). I’d look carefully. Some people say they want openess but they truly don’t want balance. Some truly want a community that is open to discussion and some want something like a more religious community in a BS. If you truly want middle then look to find a school that has groups, admin and even curriculum that support that type of learning.

It’s all about fit. Intentionally, we thought that oldest should be exposed to many ideas and chose the school on that basis. There were many great schools that seem stifled in their ability to think across the spectrum and truly be open to all. They talked often about diversity but I think it was limited to racial diversity and did not often include economic, LGBTQ, international and other types of diverse experiences kids were bringing to the school.

Many of the NE Boarding schools have a long history of teaching in a manner that encourages open dialogue. If you find a fit for her, she should have no problem participating in class and hearing and sharing various viewpoints. My oldest really likes hearing from different kids. Chapel talks are also often eye opening when kids reveal what they really think about where they are in life and what they have experienced. Again chapel talks are mainly non denominational.

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^. I think it can be really hard to suss out how a school truly is on the “open to discussing all ideas” spectrum. Much like colleges, the schools run liberal, and passionate high schoolers tend to be pretty firm in their convictions. Same with teachers of high schoolers. This is one area of school culture that can be hard to figure out, and the schools are definitely different. You aren’t going to be able to pick up on it via websites or admissions officers.

One piece of advice is to look at school newspapers online and also see if you can find student social media accounts.

I second watching the senior talks, if the school posts them.

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I appreciate all of the comments, but let’s put a pin in the political issues for now if that’s ok. I’m happy to hear opinions on PM, and if you want to criticize me that’s fine fire away I have a thick skin. But I don’t want that aspect to sidetrack what has been an incredibly helpful thread for me.

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I know nothing about BS, but I always liked the sound of St Andrews School, Delaware and secretly wished it had been a possibility for my kids. It just seemed very… kind. And that seems to be what your D is missing right now perhaps?

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[quote=“Happytimes2001, post:48, topic:2101408”]

@dadof4kids Honestly, I’d bet money that no one at any NE boarding school is wearing a MAGA hat.

Ummm my kid does. And he had one with a Trump sticker in his dorm window

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@buuzn03 Well, then I stand corrected. I have never seen one one any visit ( about 10) or at any sporting event walking around ( parent, kid, spectator).

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I put together a “wish list” of items but it is long and rambling. I will try to tighten it up and post in a couple of days for more suggestions. I’m probably tied up this weekend. Another time where D21 has activites and D25 is being forced to tag along.

I think I’m doing a decent job with the parenting, but I feel like this last week I’m really spotting some of my shortfalls, especially when it comes to her. I guess if she ends up in BS then the other kids can all say we did more for her than we did for them.

I try to be fair, I swear. But with 4 kids, all of which are extremely different in talents and personalities, it is not easy.

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It isn’t easy! I have 3 kids, and my youngest was the most "neglected ". Now that he’s a senior in high school I’m convinced that neglect is the key to his success. (Meaning, he takes care of things, self-advocates, etc etc because no one else was doing it for him).

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@Happytimes2001 hes probably the only one ?

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@buuzn03 @Happytimes2001 Nope. He’s not the only one. Probably with my kids, speaking against gun control. Maybe I should take them to the range a little less often.

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MODERATOR’S NOTE:
Getting off topic. Move on please

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Hey, no one gets to adulthood without something from childhood that requires therapy. It is part of our duties as parents to provide it. ?

@dadof4kids , you never know - DD may well tell you Years from now that being dragged around to sibs’ things were her fondest memories.

I have no doubt that you are doing great with all of your kids. Kids need different things at different times. Now is her time. And you are totally on it.

Looking forward to hearing your list.

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While I agree not to obsess @ SSAT test scores, here is what happened to our kiddo this year. As some of you know, a few years ago when GolfKid took the SSAT (we were novices), we had few choices of venues. We drove an hour to the venue at a private school. Kiddo was not allowed to wear a watch or have the iPhone. The venue, however, had NO clock on the wall. So, Kiddo ran out of time and did not pace well on the Reading Section. I think that the Reading score was low @ <75% even though Math was high >92 and other vocabulary was strong. Fast forward a few years to Junior year. EVEN AFTER earning Honors level, the school tried to keep Kiddo from taking a certain AP course this coming Fall based on that one SSAT score from 3 years ago!

Oh yes - Fac Brats with lower scores had no problem getting placed in same AP course…so be aware that your kiddo’s SSAT score may be used against him/her years from now at some schools…or at least our school.

I am telling you this because…just be prepared to advocate.