@Golfgr8 I did not know about this story! Wow. I sure hope we don’t show up for graduation in 2024 and find out DD2’s scores disqualify her! (jk). But seriously did not know that SSAT might follow you for several years after joining the school!
@stalecookies you suggested that she may like/succeed at one of the less traditional schools. What did you mean by that? Can you give me examples of some of those schools?
Thanks.
I’m surprised to hear that SSAT scores were used for class placement - that seems ridiculous!
We have experience with two BS and neither used those scores. Class placement was based on teacher recommendation or grades in the prerequisite class. Last year my kid’s teacher recommended he not take the Honors Spanish class but my kid was determined. During parent’s weekend, teacher pulled me aside to tell me that he recommended my kid drop down to the regular class. My kid didn’t want to, so he stuck it out and did fine. Not straight A’s but fine.
When we were choosing schools, we did ask about class placement and whether schools would allow kids to self study, take summer classes or test into higher level classes without taking the prerequisite class at that BS. Some schools said no way. Others were more flexible. So…it’s definitely worth asking about.
You’ve gotten some great school names already, and I can’t add to that. But I do have some thoughts for you (sorry this is so long, but as FA is important to you, a strong application will be key).
- Someone posted a few mission statements - get in the habit of looking for them in the schools of interest. They do mean something!
- You indicate your D is light on EC's. That's fine, as long as she has a story to explain why - and it sounds like she does. Being selective in who to associate with is certainly a sign of maturity. OTOH, BS's do like kids who have personal interests and hobbies. Is your D into other activities outside the school EC set? Stop-motion photography? Astronomy? Reading? Sketching? Etc. My own D absolutely loves baking, and her dorm keeps a well-stocked kitchen. She and some friends established a Wednesday baking session last year, and frequently left treats for the dorm. This isn't a club, nor is it any kind of cliquey exclusive thing, just some kids who found a free hour and did something fun together that benefits a bigger group. This is one of the traits BS's like, but it's not a formal EC.
- When looking at various schools, take a look at (or ask about) the "required courses" and the club lists. For example, many BS's have seminar-type classes for health and social justice topics - required courses that the entire school has to take. Those courses set a tone for everything the school does. And the list of clubs is flooded with community service opportunities.
- Boarding schools value energy and motivation. This isn't necessarily about ECs, but about who your D really is. What personality traits does your D bring to the table? There is no one answer here - schools look for a diverse group and being able to capitalize on this is an important part of the application (and may impact financial offers).
- Even if on the fence about the whole idea - get into the Gateway website ASAP, and start the application process. I wish I had understood this sooner. First, you enter the basics - name, address, etc. Then you pay the $50 Gateway fee (this is not the application fee for any school). THEN you actually get access to the application, including the essay questions and short answers (often, these are school specific, so add a few schools once you have identified them). Have your D draft a response or two. This effort may not even go to any school, but the ACT of crafting a thoughtful response, considering the "why" of the application, is essential. The essay process, for my D at least, was an opportunity for self-reflection and purposeful goal-setting. Understanding who she is and where she'd like to be headed - even before picking any schools - may really help narrow the list. And it will definitely help her speak fluently about herself during interviews. Hearkening back to #1 - at my D's current school, one of the short-answer questions asked for the applicant to speak about how the student expected to support the school mission statement. After some digging in the website and on social media, when my D finally wrote out her response, I believe that may have been turning point for her application - when she realized THIS might be the school she belonged to. NOTE: you control when you submit, so you can add or remove schools from the application as you please, if you want to review their specific questions.
- A few posts mentioned "popular" kids - and I think that's one big distinction for BSs. At least in the mid- to larger-size schools, this is not really a thing. There are various groups of like-minded students who engage in the same activity - but rarely is there any group that does all the same stuff. And all groups have a high degree of pride in their accomplishments. As a result, there's a lot more support across the different groups, and a lot more open-mindedness. I'm not saying there are no cliques, or that there won't be cases of exclusivity, but the format of BS ensures students interact with multiple groups each day and have the opportunity to adopt multiple identities.
You definitely have time to prepare for the 2021 admission cycle. We didn’t start until October, and that was plenty.
I will say one more thing on the topic of maturity. This is a somewhat polarizing topic, so I’ll try to keep this objective. BSs need students who are fairly mature, able to self-regulate and self-advocate. They have support services in place to help, but they cannot “do” for any student. At this point, your deep involvement in this process is understandable, but as you work through the application cycle, consider how to shift the reins over to your D. Some would say this process should be 100% driven by your D, but as a parent whose child was 100% on board with going to a BS, but clueless about how the application process worked, judicious parent facilitation always seemed to me to be well-justified. So, in short, make sure your D is also researching schools, actively reviewing the application requirements, setting her own goals for deadlines, etc.
Very well said @OnToTheNext! I couldn’t agree more.
I will say that even in small schools, the “popular kids” syndrome does not hold much, if any, presence. As was said, BS intermingles kids in a way that pretty much prevents this. DS has found that although he gravitates towards a certain group of like-minded individuals, he respects those with different interests and everyone seems to navigate the campus with the same open-mindedness and mutual respect. Also, his school is me of zero tolerance for bullying and exclusion. He has seen a few kids asked to leave early on In their time on campus due to their treatment of other students.
Again, my kid is the very conservative one described above…some of his best friends have polarizing political views, but they respect their differences and enjoy their similarities.
I continue to be impressed by the generousity of your time that you all are giving me by sharing your experiences and and insights into this process. For those of you who had some boarding school experience or familiarity with the process and culture before you started this process with your kids, you have no idea how much you have helped someone who accurately described himself in the first post as clueless.
I appreciate what you are saying about maturity @OnToTheNext. She certainly will need to take ownership of this process at some point. Right now though, as the dad I don’t even know what questions to ask. She is asking me a bunch of them, some of which I know answers to and some I don’t but am finding out, both on here and from doing other research. She is definitely involved. But I think she would drown in information overload if I tried to have her be in the driver’s seat. She just isn’t ready for that yet. 6 days ago she assumed this was something that was not a possibiility. Actually she probably never thought about it, because she probably has never even talked to someone who has gone to BS. 95% of her knowledge of BS is from watching a couple of the Harry Potter movies.
She is getting excited though and wants to start studying for the test. I feel like I am walking a tightrope by trying to get her excited so she wants to apply, but not too excited because the reality is that as an FA applicant she might not get accepted anywhere affordable.
OP- not a boarding school parent so I will let the other experienced folks here continue to give you guidance.
BUT-- I did have a kid who for whatever reason did not find a social fit in elementary school or middle school and I did aggressively look at a bunch of options some of which were clearly “Hail Mary Pass” type situations (like- wouldn’t have worked for our family for a variety of reasons but we thought we might be desperate).
So what did I learn?
1- CTY saved us. The kid who had “no friends” and was somewhat uninspired academically would sob the entire drive home from the summer program where apparently there were dozens of kids to connect with, and fabulous teachers and RA’s and all that jazz. This was the poster child for living for the summer- but it helped make a sub-optimal educational situation much better. And several of the courses led to fantastic EC type involvement and lifelong interests/hobbies. So see if you are maximizing what your D does during vacations, breaks, summers. Finding a fit- any fit- can really help the school situation. CTY and the other “nerd camp” type programs can really take a bunch of kids who don’t usually fit in and create a tight knit group.
2- It gets better. It sounds like your other kids are natural self-starters-- but even kids who are not can “find themselves” in college. It was a miracle we ever saw this kid after freshman drop off… just so happy and adjusted and challenged in college, hard to believe it was the same kid.
3- Don’t over-invest in the mean girl trope. I don’t mean that they aren’t mean- I’m sure they are horrible in every possible way. But it took a little, delicate exploration with teachers and an administrator at my kids school to identify the “non mean girls” and facilitate some connections with them. I got help from a friend who is a psychiatrist (we weren’t patients- it was just solid advice) which was basically that having zero friends is a marker for all kinds of psychopathy and anti-social behavior-- but the corollary-- having dozens of friends means you are super well adjusted- is not true. So this friends advice was to figure out how to get one friend- maybe not a lifelong buddy, maybe not a soul sister-- into the equation.
Is there someone who your kid might enjoy volunteering with at a local food bank? Nice to have a buddy, and of course, someone to car pool with. Does your D have an interest in learning to knit, something crafty, and can she find another kid in her class who wants to visit the local knitting store to find a teacher for a few lessons? Your D wants to learn archery, swing dancing, something non-competitive but recreational, making Tik-Tok videos with a partner?
I got an informal list from a few teachers at my kids school (on the down-low, they are supposed to pretend that everyone is well adjusted and living their best lives) and had to go out of my own comfort zone to facilitate some of those relationships (like car pooling- I hate car pooling). But these kids were pretty nice–just quiet, or had off-beat interests, or not interested/able in keeping up with the cool kids. And my friend the shrink was right- you don’t need 10 besties as long as you have someone who saves you a seat at lunch and wants to watch corny movies with you on a Saturday night.
For sure explore a change… but your D has 12 months to live through before she moves out (if that’s the decision you guys make) and in the meantime, there’s PLENTY you can be doing to make this year less miserable for her.
@blossom thanks for the advice. I’ll send you a pm tomorrow, too tired tonight to type it out. 
I am sure that this post will add some fuel to the fire…but just wish someone had told us what I am going to share with you @dadof4kids.
There are some NE schools which attract or admit kids who appear to come from the same pond of NYC, Westchester & the Fairfield County areas. Also, some schools where sports play a bigger role - some of these kids know each other from club/team. We also noticed the first day that there were already cliques of girls who either knew each other from their local areas, prior schools, or from social media. There were kids who connected pre-arrival via social media.
We found there were some schools that were more “chill” and friendly, less pretentious. By contrast, we visited some where there are girls who will look your girl up and down like a search light.
At the risk of being attacked by some on here, I will tell you that there are social groups/cliques even at boarding school that are not dissimilar to those you see at the local high school - even though your kiddo attends a boarding school, it is still high school and the students are teenagers. What makes it more difficult for some kids is that at boarding school you LIVE THERE - there is no escape hatch at the end of the day. This all being stated, most kids do find their group of friends, make close friendships because they are living together, and grow in more ways than you can imagine.
@dadof4kids – we have all been new at this, and I dare say most of us have benefitted from the incredible generosity of others. As a result, many are truly happy to pay it back. I couldn’t begin to name the kindness and generosity of so many posters here – If I started, I would leave someone out. But I will say that come March 10th, I truly felt like I was cheering for real friends here. (And I felt the cheers of real friends from here too).
I will add: I think upthread someone mentioned having to pay for gateway before seeing the questions. I couldn’t find it again, so I might be remembering it wrong. But I am about 99.99% I saw questions without paying anything. I want to say I added schools to “my schools” list and then someone clicked “part 2?” I definitely saw questions before we were certain about applying and I am not the type to pay for the privilege of seeing questions in advance. SAO questions – you can for sure see them without paying anything. (FWIW – the questions this year on SAO are all just a tiny tweak from last year’s questions.). Many of the schools you will be considering will probably take SAO, so I would prioritize looking at that set of questions first. Then once those questions are answered and written, it’s not a huge task to take those essays to morph into whatever gateway school essays are.
FA – you’ve got kids in college so I imagine BS FA will be far more generous than you are anticipating. Feel free to DM if you want to talk more about that offline.
Thanks for the continued comments. I’m back to doing a bit of research this afternoon.
A school that is more “chill” is exactly what I am looking for. If she gets multiple acceptances with adequate FA, I’m guessing whichever school is more “chill” will be where she goes. Based on the little I know about the schools’ personalities, I think she would pick George or Northfield MH over Exeter or Andover for example, even though I know most people would do the opposite. D is smart and funny and social. But she isn’t one who people are instantly drawn to, and she doesn’t have some outstanding quality that will earn her quick respect, either athletic or intellectual or musical.
I’m not looking for the best Ivy feeder. That’s not where she is at right now, and it’s also not what she is interested in frankly. I’m looking for a place she can have a great HS experience. If she gets that, I think her odds of going on to a good college that is a great fit for her are much higher than they are if she stays here.
Any further suggestions are REALLY appreciated. I have about 15-20 suggestions so far, but I’m sure there are more. Don’t worry about duplicating, if 10 people throw out the same name then that’s an indicator too.
BTW, if anyone has comments they would rather make as a PM, please do so. I’m not asking anyone to trash anyone else’s school, but if you think there is a bad fit out there for her, please share either here or in a PM. Or any other info you want to send as a PM. I’ve gotten a few and they were super helpful. I know sometimes it’s a bit easier to be blunt in that format than on a public post. Thanks.
@Happytimes2001 suggested Rivers. I figured out who they are but can’t find them on boardingschoolreview dot com. Anyone know why? Seems odd, not sure if there is a different name or something else going on.
@dadof4kids I thought rivers was a day school?
George, Mercersburg, NMH, Tabor, Millbrook, Pomfret, Berkshire would jump out at me as fitting the kindness/knowing your child bill. I’ve heard similar words about Suffield and Cushing.
On FA, NMH and Millbrook might be softer.
I have very limited knowledge on Tabor, Pomfret Berkshire, Suffield and Cushing FA.
George and Mercersburg have plenty of examples of generous FA.
And – if a school wants you, they may well move mountains for you. So soft FA for one student doesn’t necessarily mean your DD won’t get FA.
I did not mention girls schools, but would add if interested: Emma, MPS, Westover, Madeira, Chatham Hall, Grier, Foxcroft as options. All are generally good with FA.
@Calliemomofgirls Rivers is in fact a day school. Since I’m not moving to Boston that was an easy one to eliminate. Thanks.
Thanks for the additional schools to check out. I have a couple girls schools on the list, but I think unless that’s her only option it probably isn’t the direction she wants to go. Her older sister has a couple women’s colleges on her list. But just different people.
Rivers is a day school
@dadof4kids Sorry, yes, it’s the Rivers School. I thought they had limited boarding like Nobles and Greenough ( but they do not).
I have a feeling this would be tough to figure out without doing visits even for a more experienced BS parent. So many stories of parents and kids thinking they would love/hate a school, and then 15 minutes after they get on campus they realize they completely misjudged the school.
I’m going to try to give a brief recap of what I’m looking for. I typed out 17 items with explanations in my first draft of this post. Even I didn’t want to read it. Here is the Reader’s Digest version:
In rough order of importance:
Good FA
Not super selective
More nuturing/less competitive
Reputation for kind kids
Coed
High % of boarders
Volleyball team that isn’t too good for her to make the team is a plus
Harkness is a plus
The one item that I couldn’t condense into a bullet point:
@CateCAParent said above “Schools, especially the small ones in my opinion, are looking for kids who are about community. That translates into (1) being a good person, and (2) a willingness to try anything and an openness to new experiences.”
I want schools that want this. This is her, as long as she is in an environment that fosters that attitude. If they only want accomplished kids trying volleyball (or yearbook, or whatever other random activity might strike her fancy) then I think she will be content to slink to the back and let the more accomplished kids take the positions. I can have her do that here. I want her to be at a place where she is encouraged to get out of her box, maybe even slightly pushed.
Things I don’t think I care about, except to the extent if affects the above list:
Location
Size
Religious affiliation (unless it is a REALLY prominent part of the education)
The tentative current list in no particular order:
Pomfret
George
Millbrook
Mercersburg
Northfield MH
Cambridge School of Weston
I’m looking at others, and none of these are on the for sure list yet either. It seems like the schools that a lot of your kids considered, and that you as parents really liked, but in the end just decided weren’t competitive enough, are the ones rising to the top of D’s list. I think she probably needs several more schools to add, and then hopefully we have a few to visit in the spring and see if we guessed the atmosphere correctly.
I’m surprised that St. Andrews didn’t make the short list…seems to check most of your boxes.
Cushing
Westtown
Gunnery
Ethel Walker
Westover
Masters
Canterbury
Tabor
Loomis Chaffee
Berkshire
St Andrews
Concord
Suffield
Putney
This is the next list. These were all suggested by someone either here or in a PM. Most like St. Andrews seemed fine but I felt like I needed to see a bit more to get a better feel. It seemed a bit more stuffy, but maybe that’s a total misread on my part. My recollection is that it was around midnight when I was on their website, which probably didn’t help. It’s tough trying to suss out the atmosphere for a place on the internet.
Others like Gunnery I felt like would make the short list, but had some serious flaw, but not severe enough to get a hard no yet (no volleyball program).
Thanks for that comment, that is helpful. I know I’m missing things. Keep pointing them out.
I am surprised Emma Willard is not on your list
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