I go to a music conservatory in Chicago and I’m starting my second year as a BM in Voice. I have a great teacher and I’ve learned a lot about singing. I got second place in a vocal competition last year, and generally just feel good about the quality of my voice and performance abilities and I continue to improve all the time. Unfortunately, I also suffer from depression and anxiety.
My core music study is something that brings out the worst in me. I had very little experience with music theory before I came to school and I primarily did musicals. I cry almost every night worrying about what I’m going to do with my life and how I can get out of this state of depression. I dread practicing sight singing - I will often go into the practice rooms and bring myself to tears struggling to get ready for a sight singing exam. When I get into the professor’s office to be tested I get so nervous and anxious that I can hardly do anything - and it’s the same way with piano and piano exams. I have some accommodations for my anxiety on my dictation and written exams so I get to be alone with extra time, but obviously the one-on-one exams aren’t accommodated in the same way. I dread my core music study so much that I’m really starting to think I will not be able to complete the degree. I couldn’t even finish my core music classes last semester because of the stress and had to medically withdraw, and I’m still struggling even though I’m beginning the courses for the second time.
I love performing, language diction, and I dream of being an opera singer - I’ve been told by many people that I have a good chance of succeeding in the career field, and I have a love for music that I can’t even begin to explain. But I’m starting to think my mental illness is going to prevent me from pursuing my dream. I’ve thought about looking into a BFA Voice program (like they have at CMU) or maybe pursuing musical theatre. But I’m not sure that musical theatre is what I want to do (I’ve heard that I can pursue a master’s degree in voice with a BFA in musical theatre but I’m not sure that it would be possible considering the lack of music theory training), and I don’t know that CMU’s core classes would be any easier just because it’s a BFA program (also it’s probably too expensive for me). Or I may transfer to do something like English or history, but thinking about it also breaks my heart because of how hard I’ve worked to get where I am. I feel completely lost in my life and every day feels like a struggle and I begin to feel more and more that I’m not competent enough to be where I am. If anyone has any advice - or if anyone goes to Carnegie Mellon for music and can share anything about the program - I would really appreciate it because I’m just so confused and disappointed.
Anxiety is usually a manageable condition with meds and therapy. Are you seeing a psychiatrist?
There are many talented musicians and composers who have trouble with theory, sight singng etc. Try to realize that although these courses are required for your degree, there is not a correlation with talent or what you can ultimately do, which is all about the things you do love and are good at. Just try to pass the courses if you can.
Sometimes beta blockers are used for performance anxiety. I don’t know you or your health state. Seeing an MD is a good idea if anxiety is such an obstacle. But first I wonder if this is solely about your core courses or if you have anxiety in the rest of your life.
And are you on meds for depression? Some help with anxiety and some make it worse, so a good MD can help with that too.
Keep going!!! There are grad schools where theory and aural skills are not a big component.
@mozartnerd- Please check your Private Messages!
@mozartnerd:
I don’t know if it will help, but my son proctored the incoming theory placements tests at the conservatory he is at, plus he does tutoring in theory and solfege, and he said a lot of the incoming kids and kids at the school struggle with theory and solfege and such, including a lot of the really, really talented music students, so you aren’t alone. If depression is hindering what you are doing, have you talked to a counselor at school? Most programs have a counseling program for students, might want to talk to them.
As some one who suffered horrible performance anxiety as a young person I will tell you that if you give up your music, not only will you be miserable, but the anxiety will find a new place to reside in your head. Anxiety is like water, it manages to get in even as you try to plug the holes. My advice, get a really good therapist – preferably one who does CBT (Cognitive Based Therapy) and who works with musicians. Get a good psychiatrist as well and start trying out different types of medications – when I finally did this I was so mad at myself for living with my anxiety as long as I did! You are gonna be ok. This is the hardest thing, but it is fixable! If this is truly your dream DO NOT let your anxiety take it away. Good luck and let me know how things go.
Oh my goodness!!! Didn’t we talk this morning and aren’t you living in Vienna this year studying voice abroad?? Seriously # mozartnerd you could be my daughter. The only difference is that she is a junior. In fact our conversations this morning centered around what will she do when she graduates from her bm voice program. She oscillates between “if I don’t get into a top masters program, I’m a failure or if I don’t continue with opera, people will think I’ve wasted my talent/time”.
You see she was also a person who did musicals and stood above her peers and many of the professional musical theater peeps because of her voice. I would bet your the same way. Anyhow…she got to her bm program and her new voice teacher and loved it!!! Problem is that she loves to perform and abhors recitals and ensemble duties. She also hates music theory and piano. She struggles with music theory, because to her it came so easy to her that she never had to “learn how to sing”. That being said she just naturally sings technically perfect with zero understanding of how. In Austria her new teacher assigned her 4 new lieder songs which she “learned” in 3 days…including memorization of a foreign language. The teacher had never seen anyone learn it so quickly, but she can’t read music that well and she struggles with piano as well. She just can sing… again probably much like you. She is also fantastic a diction and linguistics. Another eerie coincidence.
Now where the story gets complex is that she pulls this passive aggressive thing where she self sabotages; because remember she doesn’t want to be a failure or let people down. So she becomes indecisive and complains and over and over questions or second guesses EVERY thing. In return her anxiety and depression creep out and overcome her. It’s not until she truly articulates what’s bothering her and comes to terms with that, that she can successfully navigate her anxiety. Now I don’t know if that’s you…but it’s her story.
So as I mentioned before, what does she do when she graduates??? Go on to a grad bm program? She’s to far along to get a bachelors in my. Does she move to New York and try for a musical? Go to a masters in mt?? There’s a bunch in Europe. When I asked her what she wanted to be, she said a performer. When asked opera or musicals, she said yes. What she has tentatively decided on is to apply to a couple of grad programs that are “opera intensive” meaning they are full opera performance programs and several mt masters programs in Europe
Sorry for all the crazy run on sentences. I like to write like I talk