<p>So earlier today there was a new thread started which was oddly removed after about a few hours of comments from many of the long time posters on CC. The thread is gone -- it's not been moved anywhere. (What are the conditions for that happening?)</p>
<p>This thread is not about that situation and my intent here isn't to discuss the removed thread. The contents raised some interesting questions which I thought it might be interesting to discuss here in a new thread:</p>
<p>What if any conditions or stipulations do you have with your S or D for:
1 Ongoing financial contributions to tuition, or other expenses (GPA meets a certain cutoff?, They must contact you?, other?)
2 How often do you "require" or "expect" to hear from your S or D?
3 Do you know your S or D's GPA? Is this a requirement for your ongoing financial support?</p>
<p>What are the consequences if conditions aren't met- -have you pulled support? Did your S or D finish college without your support?</p>
<p>My friends and I discussed this issue over lunch today and we all noted that none of us has any preconditions on our financial support. All of us are middle class, on financial aid and all have EFCs less than $20k. (we're open about it.) As long as are students are making reasonable progress towards their degree, we don't have a GPA stipulation or even ask the grades. We surmised that none of our kids are 4.0 students since none of us heard about being named to dean's list etc. All of us hear from our kids regularly-- with one exception, and that mom requires a weekly phone call from S (which most times is made on time).</p>
<p>Our agreement was simple. Our kids had to pass ALL of their courses each term AND maintain the GPA needed for their merit aid (3.0 in both cases). If they didn’t meet those terms, they knew they would be asked to come back to our state and enroll at a far less expensive school than the privates they were attending.</p>
<p>In addition, we required them to show us their transcripts or grade reports each term. No grades, no bills paid. And lastly, they were told to sign the FERPA form in the bursar’s office so we could deal with billing issues.</p>
<p>1 We have never had the talk in any official way. I can’t imagine my kids abusing our trust.
2 We ask informally from time to time how they are doing on tests, quizzes or papers, but I try not to micromanage them. I know from experience you can recover from a C on a midterm. We do like to be told what the end of semester grades are. Older son told us, though we never saw anything official, I’m pretty sure he was telling the truth since we did see the letters informing him that he was on the Dean’s List. Younger son has voluntarily signed up for something that will have grades posted. (But not till the semester’s end I think.)
3. I don’t know older son’s exact GPA now, though I did know it the first year when he was putting together a resume for summer internships and asked me to proofread it. As long as I know my kids are learning, and working to their capabilities (as best as I can judge) I won’t hold them to a particular GPA.</p>
<p>We expect once a week phone calls, but don’t always get them from S1. (He often turns his phone off and forgets to turn it back on.) S2 has been good about calling us at least once a week and also often sends a text or calls for a quick question or request.</p>
<p>But we don’t require any specific communication. When things go wrong, that’s when I hear more from him. So the old “no news is good news” applies in our case. But I am always free to send him a text asking how things are going which he replies to promptly.</p>
<p>We said from the getgo-- 3.0+ or attend a less pricey school and/or you borrow the max and make it work yourself. Hoping I don’t have to stand behind that “threat” anytime soon. S is a freshman, so don’t know his grades yet. D --we hear about specific classes – surprises, accomplishments and disappointments – if she shares we listen, but otherwise we don’t ask since her external scholarships are still in force and require a 3.0 as other posters have noted.</p>
<p>OP-- I also noticed the disappearing thread? That parent seemed really angry over D’s lack of communication and pulled the financial plug. ouch-- would love to know how that turns out in a few years.
I didn’t know threads could disappear on CC. Hmmm</p>
<p>Well my son isn’t in college until next year but I would never stipulate he had to maintain a certain GPA or that he had to call me at a certain number of times a week, month, etc. With email and texting that seems a very odd thing to “require.”</p>
<p>Unexpected things happen when kids are in college and I would never have a rule like if you don’t do this or have that we will stop paying for college.</p>
<p>Nothing formal here. s1’s major requires he maintain a 3.0 to stay in. We asked that he graduate in 4 years (he will). S2 is in his freshman fall and requies a 3.0 to keep his scholarship and we’ve asked him to meet that obligation. S1 has always self reported his grades and I expect that S2 will do the same, they’ve always been honest in high school and we never needed to confirm by checking on them. They know if they had a problem we’ll be there to help. We talk an average of once a week to both but it’s not mandatory and there isn’t really a set time.</p>
<p>I’m guessing also the OP asked for the thread to be removed. It was a strange post.</p>
<p>Re: the cell phones…we paid for them for our kids when they were in college. Our deal was we would pay for those cell phones IF they called us for a minute or two at THEIR convenience one time a week. Otherwise, they had to pay for that week’s cell bill. They always called…and they still do as college grads (no we aren’t paying for their cell phones anymore). Cell phones and contact with us had NOTHING to do with paying the COLLEGE bills.</p>
<p>My rules were I have access to financial info, medical info and he not fail any classes. He also has to show me his final grades. He knows he is expected to graduate in 4 years. And he has to call or text me once a week just so I know he is ok. He was also told anytime he doesnt want to live with my rules, he is more than welcome to take over the bill. </p>
<p>Like the others, I get calls when things are tough and he needs a friendly ear. I have to try very hard to listen and not tell. I remind him these are now his choices, and so far I have been honest and let him know how I feel, but I also let him know I understand why he wants to make these decisions himself. Mostly I just listen.</p>
<p>Aslo, emilybee, as the mother of a son, a minimum required level of contact is not a bad thing… otherwise most go for weeks without any. I just wanted to know he was still alive and well… He thought I should just assume nothing bad would ever happen… Oh to be young.</p>
<p>This is an interesting question, because we have been discussing it with friends of ours. Their daughter is a Junior in a fairly-costly SLAC, and she has become incredibly hostile to them. She refuses to answer telephone calls or text messages, and only called when she learned that her parents intended to visit on Parents Weekend - and that was to demand that they not set foot on campus. This girl has been doing well academically, but the question was at what point do parents pull the financial plug if their child becomes hostile. We know our friends, so it is not like they did something horrible to their daughter. At the same time, it is also a little odd to demand civility as the price for tuition.</p>
<p>As for our own daughter, we learned that she was hiding the fact that she got a tattoo, for fear that we might react by not paying for her tuition. I am unhappy about the tattoo, but I would never consider it a factor in financial support. Interestingly enough, I encountered at least a couple of parents who had made it clear that “no piercings, no tattoos” was part of the deal for paying for college.</p>
<p>We had no discussion or agreement about GPA or other stipulations. To be quite honest, this would never come up with our two kids as both are very driven types who WANT to do their very best in school. They strive for the best grades they can obtain and also would only consider graduating in four years. </p>
<p>
</p>
<p>This is unrelated to our financial support. However, we do expect to hear from our kids every few days. They know this but honestly, they appear to WANT to contact us and share with us. They typically never go more than three days but sometimes, depending what’s up, they may contact us every day or every two days. If they didn’t contact us after five days or so, I would contact them and remind them we want to hear from them. This has rarely occurred however. They call us and also use email both, but I expect a call at least every three days on average. It just isn’t an issue. I prefer that they call us so that it is convenient for them. If by chance it ever goes more than 3 days, I would call them. It truly hasn’t been an issue.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>My kids like to share and so there was no requirement in this regard. At the end of a semester, they always shared their grades with us. We didn’t have to ask. </p>
<p>As you can see, we had no formal requirements. HOWEVER, this was in part due to unspoken expectations over their entire life I guess, but also due in part to their wanting to do well in school whether or not we cared and also desiring to share with us and so none of this was an issue whatsoever in my family. BUT, if I did have kids where this was an issue, I would set a min. GPA and number of years to graduate and to see their GPA. I just never have had to do anything of the sort but can fully appreciate that for some kids, such limits would have to be set, if they do not set them for themselves.</p>
<p>Also, generally speaking, I don’t care their grades IF they are working their hardest to achieve. I care about effort. I suppose if I had a failing kid, I’d have a different response but generally, their actual grades don’t matter that much to me if they are doing well overall and are trying their best. I guess this is easy for me to say as I know my kids put 100% into their work and so if that 100% effort results in an A, B, or C, I would not care so much as long as they did all they could do.</p>
<p>Rules: No GPA requirement…but you need to graduate in 4 years. We can’t afford more than that.</p>
<p>We don’t have a “you must show us your grades” rule, but my kids have been sharers of news, both good and bad. But I have to say that I would be seriously miffed if I asked a question about grades and got a brush off. </p>
<p>We ask to hear from her once a week–doesn’t always happen.</p>
<p>What if any conditions or stipulations do you have with your S or D for:
1 Ongoing financial contributions to tuition, or other expenses (GPA meets a certain cutoff?, They must contact you?, other?) We told both that they have a pre-determined $$ amount for each of four years. That’s it. S2 will need loans to afford his choice of school; S1 has an exceptionally well-paying job at his school and will graduate (god-willing next spring) with a hefty bank balance.</p>
<p>2 How often do you “require” or “expect” to hear from your S or D? No requirement. Both text and/or FB often enough. If I need to hear from them more often, I call.</p>
<p>3 Do you know your S or D’s GPA? Nope. Is this a requirement for your ongoing financial support? No. It’s a finite pot of money. Failing/repeating a class just reduces their financial resources and they know it.</p>
<p>OUR commitment to our (now college senior) S. </p>
<p>MONEY. He has four years to graduate. S’s mother and I cover the school’s estimated cost of attendance, less the merit scholarships S got. </p>
<p>Anything else, S had to cover from summer work or whatever. I explained that any request for additional funds would be treated identical to applying for a loan. The money would come with strings and conditions. If he was able to do whatever it was he wanted without a “loan,” he did not have to ask permission.</p>
<p>Same with off or on campus living. We pay only the on-campus housing amount and the amount of a standard meal plan. It is up to him to decide if he wants to be on campus or off and have the meal plan or do the cooking on his own. When he chose to live off campus, he signed the lease(s) not us.</p>
<p>He has found work every summer.
**
GRADES.** Any lost scholarship money had to be made up by S. He has vastly exceeded whatever the grade requirement is that the school set. No minumum grade point set by me. In fact, I’ve never demanded to know or see his grades. </p>
<p>Major(s)? His decision. </p>
<p>**COMMUNICATION. **Also, come visit at breaks, don’t come visit. Stay all break, go back early. It’s all up to him. No fixed amount of contact required (after 3rd week of 1st year)</p>
<p>**RESULTS. **It has worked great. Dual major with 4.0 in one and 3.88 in the other. I know a little because the letter about makiing the Dean’s List is also sent to the parents. He spent a month in China (attending a college class) and 4 weeks solo traveling in Cambodia, Singapore, Malayasia. </p>
<p>The creativity he has shown to make things happen to his liking has been great to watch. He gets all the credit for his successes.</p>
<p>Cool 07Dad, I’ve seen the same things with my 07 son. It’s so “fun” to sit back and watch and experience this. Mine tried my patience to no end in '06. It will be with great joy and pride to go to graduatioin this spring.</p>
<p>@ alf Your friends’ D sounds like the poster this morning. I’m curious what they are planning to do as we have friends who have two sons in an odd but similar situation.</p>
<p>College Senior S1 of our friends has not answered emails and phone calls for weeks and seems in their words “ungrateful for the past three years of support.” They are hurt. As an outsider, this has been building for while – cannot say I didn’t see the tension in that family; and I understand their hurt at the lack of communication. They have been toying with telling him he might soon be borrowing money rather than taking their money to finish out and graduate. Their S2 is in high school and is not as successful as big brother academically. S1’s recent issus have been impacting him. Our friends said he can go to a state school since they don’t want to spend another $200,000 for someone who they have essentially no relationship with.</p>
<p>Sad to hear these stories and also easy to understand why parents get so angry and hold out stipulations.</p>
<p>We made agreements at 18 that have worked fairly well.
He took federal loans (only) and worked summers for spending money.
We paid tuition, R+B for undergrad not covered by his loans.</p>
<p>He has merit money that covers tuition in grad school, we pay his rent. He pays his food.
His driving record is (amazingly) perfect so far. That earned him continued coverage on our family policy till graduation.
Tickets or excessive points would have nixed that.</p>
<p>We never asked to see his grades…we did see ‘deans list’ letters come home so were not too worried. I’ve read a bunch of stories about how things can and do go south with kids off to school. Feel fortunate that our informal ‘rules’ have worked for us.</p>
<p>Have to admit, I do send the occasional 'Are you alive?" email if I haven’t heard from DS in a week or so…:)</p>
<p>Our kid is out now, happy in a good job in his field (Class of 2009).</p>
<p>Grades. We handled this with a bit of humor. I told him he didn’t need to sign the paper providing us access to his grades, but then again we didn’t need to keep on paying the (full pay) COA. This was all with a smile and a laugh from both sides.</p>
<p>He had merit $$ from his first school (before a transfer) and we didn’t need to tell him he needed to keep it. He has always been responsible that way and didn’t need that spelled out.</p>
<p>Communication. My kid was, is and probably always will be a quiet one. Some of us MOS (“moms of sons” posters from my vintage here on cc) used to talk about the “cones of silence” around our boys. So we definitely did not hear from him as often as I would have liked. Not at all.</p>
<p>(Side story: he and I shared a bank account during his early years, so I could see his transactions. I’d see a Chipotle use of his debit card and think “He spends, therefore he is.” Sometimes I almost had no other way of knowing ).</p>
<p>OTOH, we were his “go to” people in the rare situation where he was worried academically. He knew we were on his side, good news or bad, and that he could come to us for advice, brainstorming or support. And I was the first person he called when he got a job offer…</p>
<p>I think he must have been like the kid who never spoke a word until he was 4 years old and his parents were so worried. When he finally spoke up about cold mashed potatoes or something and they asked why he never spoke before, wasn’t his reply something like “Everything was fine before this.”</p>
<p>I think it’s more than fair for parents to have minimum expectations for performance/communication. With some kids, things need to be spelled out; with some they don’t. It can even vary for the same kid over time or for different aspects.</p>
).</p>