<p>I agree that this varies from kid to kid. While I didn’t have to spell out any of this with my own kids, I have respect for those who have to do that in order for a kid to meet expectations. Some kids have these expectations for themselves and don’t need a parent to enforce it and some may need that.</p>
<p>My parents financial support is that they cosign my loans, that’s it. In order to maintain that I need to be on track to graduate within four years, take my commitment seriously, and remain unmarried. By “taking it seriously,” they just mean that if they find out I am skipping all kinds of classes and partying I would be in trouble, there is no grade requirement as long as I am passing well enough to graduate on time. They don’t ask for my grades or have any kind of communication requirements. I text frequently and call fairly regularly anyway, and usually will voluntarily tell them my grades. That works fine for us. I do better when left to my own devices. They were really on me about grades in high school and I cracked under the pressure.</p>
<p>That’s interesting that one stipulation is that you don’t marry, Ema. Now, I’m not eager for my young adult daughters to marry either but I don’t have any rule about it. In fact, I got married after my sophomore year of college and I’m glad my parents didn’t have a rule. I continued on and graduated from my college (and went to grad school after that).</p>
<p>I didn’t have clear conditions with my older kid, and that turned out to be a mistake – he ran into problems, and it meant that I was paying for tuition for him at a college after he had dug an academic hole for himself that was inescapable. Had I known earlier I perhaps could have helped my son with better planning, or at least I could have avoided paying for something I wasn’t getting. </p>
<p>I did have to set clear limits after that, and I learned from that experience – it makes a lot more sense to set reasonable, clear standards at the outset. So kid #2 went off to college knowing that I expected the same thing her financial aid department did – a 2.0 GPA & completion of at least 12 units per semester – that I expected to see her grades and that I was going to pay for 4 years and no more. 100% success with that approach, and perhaps kid #2 would have been fine anyway… but I think we were both better off knowing at the outset what the deal was. </p>
<p>As far as contact… it never really was an issue because both my kids seem to leave a fairly easy to trace digital track.</p>
<p>My family feels that once I am married I am mine and my husband’s responsibility only. Which, personally, I think is perfectly reasonable. When I am grown enough to marry I figure I ought to be grown enough to support myself, too.</p>
<p>It’s a little annoying because it’s very likely mine and my fiance’s financial aid situation would be better if we were married and maybe I wouldn’t need so many loans to be cosigned to begin with, but it is what it is.</p>
<p>Their daughter is a Junior in a fairly-costly SLAC, and she has become incredibly hostile to them. She refuses to answer telephone calls or text messages, **and only called when she learned that her parents intended to visit on Parents Weekend - and that was to demand that they not set foot on campus. **This girl has been doing well academically, but the question was at what point do parents pull the financial plug if their child becomes hostile.</p>
<p>Wow…that is hostile. I don’t think I could pay if my child behaved like that. The idea of paying is part of being a family/parent. This child sounds like she has NO USE for her parents except for their money.</p>
<p>We have no stipulations and haven’t had the need for them. Older D is a college junior. We never asked for grades, but she is always keen to show us, because she’s made Dean’s List every semester. She doesn’t tell us specifics of how tests and papers are going, but she proudly shows off final grades. And we hear from her regularly, and vice versa, but we give her space/privacy. Of course she has a financial budget to deal with, and she earns her own spending money, but no rules about academic performance or family time. She likes coming home!</p>
<p>The same will be true for younger D in college next year. I can’t imagine any problems. I never ask her about grades in high school or check the online system-- she keeps us posted and does well.</p>
<p>Keep a decent gpa. Be responsible. Keep your bills paid. Manage the money we give you. Stay out of trouble. Graduate in four years.</p>
<p>I guess we try to be ‘reasonable’ here too - Call me back if I call you - Never an issue. Get solid grades, no gpa stipulated, but a low one would prompt some inquiry - be reasonable about $$$ - DS is more thrifty than I would have expected him to be - occasionally he tells me he needs to ‘get away from the meal plan’ so he buys food and cooks at a friend’s house - no problem there. Work during the summer - he had 3 jobs last summer - none full time - so no issues there. I think he should look for an on campus job this term, but he’s carrying 19 credits - so I backed off my request…</p>
<p>What if any conditions or stipulations do you have with your S or D for:</p>
<p>SON<br>
MONEY: His tuition was covered for 120 credit hours, he was on his own after that. We paid for his fees and helped with books and anything else when asked, but he was on his own for the rest. He had the opportunity for a full scholarship, but chose to play computer games rather than do his homework while in high school and therefore his gpa was too low to qualify, despite meeting the SAT requirement with200+ points to spare. He worked summers, breaks and year round beginning his sophomore yearto pay his room and board. He has now used up his 120 credits, with three more semesters for his 5 year degree. At 24, he applied for financial aid as an independant student and will have to take a few loans to finish up. </p>
<p>COMMUNICATION: We paid for his cell phone, so expected to hear from him once a week or so. My daughter actually kept us informed with what was going on with him, he talked to her several times a week.</p>
<p>GRADES: I never asked for his grades, mainly because I just didn’t want to know. But he knew from the beginning that we would pay for 120 hours and that was it. He had a prepaid account and when it was gone, he was on his own. If he failed classes or withdrew, it was his money that would pay for the retake, not mine.</p>
<p>DAUGHTER (high school senior)
MONEY: She also has a prepaid account for 120 hours, plus all her fees. She has qualified for full tuition scholarship and we have agreed to pay for her COA above that, whether she goes to our State school or not. If she goes OOS, she will be responsible for the difference, which she hopes to cover that with scholarships. She knows how much we will pay and will make her decision based on that.</p>
<p>COMMUNICATION: I’m not reaslly worried about this one, but if it became an issue, I would most definitely expect civil communication as a requirement for continued financial support.</p>
<p>GRADES: We will require her to sign the FERPA but I am not worried about this one either. Again, she knows that she has 120 credit hours paid for and if she screws up, it will be on her dime not mine.</p>
<p>Mine are now 22 and 25, but we, like Soosievt and others had no formal agreements or rules regarding grades or behavior during their college years. Both kids were self motivated enough that the thought didn’t occur to us, actually. In the case of our daughter, there were times I wished she would just chill and not worry so much about her grades.
We paid full-tuition and expenses for both kids at private colleges for four years.<br>
We did ask that they call us once a week. Dd called and emailed more often. Ds called weekly; no more, no less. Both graduated with honors.</p>
<p>No formal agreement, but the informal expectations were:
- Do your best (no gpa requirement),
- Graduate in four years,
- We get username and password access to their university online account, so I can access each semester’s tuition invoice and unofficial transcript. Kids always told us their grades, so disclosure wasn’t an issue, but I needed the transcript because our automobile insurance company requires continued proof of grades for the Good Student Discount. For a young man, the savings every six months is $600-700. Well worth it.
- We pay for tuition, room and board, books, and related school expenses, but “fun money” is up to you. Both kids have/had part time jobs that thankfully weren’t too burdensome so as to conflict with their studies.
- Communicate with us at least once a week. Never an issue with either D or S.</p>
<p>Re campus visits.</p>
<p>My parents never visited me away at college without asking.</p>
<p>I chuckle to think of how most adults deal and respond to “drop in” out-of-towners and uninvited relatives. The campus/dorm/apartment is the student’s “space.”</p>
<p>I don’t see the hostility aspect of this if the student does not want an uninvited drop in. </p>
<p>My S asked me to drive him to school his freshman year for move-in. I observed some parents’ outrageous, controlling and embarassing behavior on campus to get things the parents’ way. They made scenes in the dorm, ran rough-shod over their student, badgered the RA’s and made complaints to the administration.</p>
<p>I can imagine that there are students who really, really, really don’t want their parents back on campus.</p>
<p>1 - Must keep grades up to retain merit aid.
2 - No requirement. We E-Mail or call when we think of it.
3 - Don’t know. We ask and are told how they are doing in general. That’s about it.</p>
<p>We discussed the FERPA release. No problems there at all. Explained we would use it for FA/Bursar issues, or in case of emergency, but we would discuss with them before intervening. Have not used it yet. Bursar folks have been willing to talk to us without it. </p>
<p>We pay for four years. Maintain scholarships (though that means just maintaining good standing – not much of a hurdle. Wish at times it were higher.) One swing and a miss with a course gets a second chance, but do it again and it’s home for a term. DH has invoked this unilaterally but has left me to deal with the fallout.</p>
<p>My kids aren’t in college yet, but after reading threads here I decided I would ABSOLUTELY set conditions.</p>
<p>I expect to know grades and have access to grades if the kid expects me to complete financial aid forms.</p>
<p>I expect graduation in 4 years - Don’t surprise me 1st semester of year 4!</p>
<p>Any bill that I pay (car; phone; etc) will come with the condition that I monitor usage. Actually, after hearing some horror stories of friends “borrowing” cars at college, I’m not sure I’d let my kid even keep a car on campus.</p>
<p>I will expect kid to check in a few times a week. Not lengthy, just a Hi, I’m alive and well.</p>
<p>I expect when kid is home on breaks he doesn’t treat my house like a dorm – curfews (or calls by a set time), simple personal clean up, no girlfriend sleeping over rules, will all still be enforced. I’m not a strict parent, but with 3 kids of varying ages it is important to me that I have set rules across the board. I don’t want kid1 wandering in loud & drunk at 2 a.m. consistently when kid3 has to get up at 5 a.m.</p>
<p>Before reading threads on CC, I would have just assumed my kid to know my expectations. With some threads I’ve read, I since changed my mind and think clearly stating expectations in writing up front to be the simpliest method of communicating these expectations. Praying for no issues.</p>
<p>
Be aware that this can be difficult to impossible at some schools, particularly at flagship state universities where it’s often difficult or impossible to schedule the courses you need at the times you need them. Increasingly, schools tell parents & students at orientation not to count on 4 years, that 5 years is more the norm. This is something you should inquire about <em>during</em> the school search process. If they’re saying 5, then don’t count on 4. </p>
<p>You can mitigate this somewhat with credits from high school via AP, dual enrollment, etc., if offered by your hs and appropriate for your child. Even so, much will depend upon your child’s major, whether he/she studies abroad, and course scheduling. Also be aware that 120 credit hours are usually the <em>minimum</em> required for graduation, but in reality, many majors require more.</p>
<p>^There are ways to speed up the degree. Many schools offer online classes during the long winter and summer academic breaks. This is a very good way knock out a couple of classes.</p>
<p>DS had a parents funded UGMA. We didn’t push, he didn’t demand. He also knew that the UGMA was for his college, and anything left over would be his. He is now quite comfortable at age 25, but still keeping his expenses very manageable.</p>
<p>Agreement with D1, 3.0 GPA for us to pay for college, 3.5 GPA to live in the sorority (she maintained 3.55 while she lived there, now she is edging up to 3.7 when she is no longer living there).</p>
<p>She gets a monthly allowance if she works also - kind of like matching fund.</p>
<p>I pay for clothes that I like, otherwise she pays for it herself.</p>
<p>We pay for as many visits home and vacations with us, otherwise she is on her own.</p>
<p>Calling home - she calls almost everyday, even now when we are not in the US.</p>
<p>Access to her grades - not necessary, she calls me days before each of her test. I get blow by blow of her progress, up and including the actual test (the whole experience), then when she actually gets her test result.</p>