Conditions (if any) for financial support of your D or S?

Parent Cafe
41

<p>I think it was well understood that there would be issues if either of my kids found it necessary to go beyond four years.</p>

<p>Beyond that, no conditions. My son needed to be reminded a few times to take college seriously (he tended to stay up too late and sleep through classes in the beginning); my daughter was born knowing this. </p>

<p>I always knew their GPAs but not because it was a requirement.</p>

<p>I can’t imagine setting a requirement for a certain amount of communication.</p>

<p>Both have chosen to sometimes not come home for breaks; this is not an issue.</p>

<p>There were no financial requirements during college, but my husband is adamant about not supporting them after college – although not to the point of charging them for room and board if there are some weeks between the end of college and the start of graduate school or a job.</p>

42

<p>WE didn’t make conditions with our first one except one which we had to change (since he changed colleges). With our next two, we will be making conditions. Mainly because while we don’t think we will need to with number two, we know we will with number three and we don’t want to make it like we are singling out the youngest. </p>

<p>Our conditions will be less with grades (though a little bit, like we aren’t paying for flunking after flunking) and more with behavior. We want access to medical records while we are financing, we want certain behaviors- no smoking, no drugs, stay involved with Christian community of your choice (involved can mean Bible study, fellowship group, Church attendance, etc- I am not making it a X times a month type of deal but an expectation that can result in lessening support). Now before everyone thinks I am a very controlling parent, I am not. But it all stems from the first requirement- medical. My son stopped taking care of his health, fell into a depression, tried to self medicate with cigarettes, blamed God for his behavior, stopped seeing people including those who cared about him (his CHurch family, his friends, his involevement with other groups) and we ended up with a midnight call. Number two won’t have this particular problem because she tends towards anxiety rather than depression. Number three is another depressive type. My top priority here is to keep them healthy. SInce older d is highly interested in church music as a hobby and younger d is interested indoing missionary engineering work, stopping attendance at religious activities would be a sure sign to us that something is drastically wrong. That also brings up another requirement which will be easier to do this time since I won’t have young children who can’t be left alone. We will have a mandatory communication system and either I or my husband will go to visit student if we think things are getting off track. We also plan to visit even if they are not just to visit. My next one going to college will want me visiting. I will be far enough away so it won’t be a frequent thing but it won’t be like it was with my son who didn’t want us to visit and we didn’t press and he ended up having continual problems.</p>

43

<p>With S1, we had no formal agreement and no problems – he graduated in four years with good grades, communicated well, and found a great job. But we did write out our expectations for S2 in a formal contract that we all signed. Different type student. Just the process of talking through what we expected and what he expected to happen over the next four years provided a great opportunity for communication. </p>

<p>S2 is doing fine (sophomore in engineering), but the contract has come into play a couple of times in guiding discussions. S2 likes the contract, I think. This is a student who doesn’t like surprises, so is comforted in knowing exactly what to expect. It has helped him feel that the process is fair and given him some needed structure. </p>

<p>I think the decision to use a written contract, just have verbal discussions, or not even feel any discussion of parental expectations are necessary depend on the individual student. The hardest part of the contract, from our perspective, was deciding on consequences in the event of disappointing performance. The goal is not to be punitive, but to foster growth. We expressed all consequences as being at the sole discretion of the parent, rather than an asbsolute if x then y. This allowed us to lay out our expectations but realize that not every circumstance could be anticipated. If poor grades were the result of illness for example, would we really want to bring the student home? Probably not.</p>

44

<p>What if any conditions or stipulations do you have with your S or D for:</p>

<p>1 Ongoing financial contributions to tuition, or other expenses (GPA meets a certain cutoff?, They must contact you?, other?) We agreed to pay for tuition, fees, room and board according to the institutional EFC. Daughter pays for books and personal expenses. No restrictions because we know our daughter has high expectations of herself and so far we haven’t been disappointed (D is a junior).</p>

<p>2 How often do you “require” or “expect” to hear from your S or D? My daughter calls at least 3 times a week and texts her mother more frequently. No requirements are necessary.</p>

<p>3 Do you know your S or D’s GPA? Nope. Is this a requirement for your ongoing financial support? She tells us what her semester grades were. Her self-imposed requirement is a 3.5 and she usually comes in near or above this personal goal. A 3.0 cumulative GPA is required by her college to maintain her merit award and this has never been an issue.</p>

45

<p>Agree with mom2collegekids - 2 kids pricey top privates - we paid full EFC of >30K year </p>

<p>Must be full time</p>

<p>Must be on track to graduate in 4 years </p>

<h2>Must have a 3.0 at least (preferably higher).</h2>

<p>Also -<br>
Student pays for books and incidentals/fun w dollars from summer job and work study
Agrees to NOT accrue credit card debt
We paid for cell phone - requested call home at least once a week</p>

46

<p>S was unmotivated in hs and did not work to his potential through junior year. He did much better senior year, but I was not confident enough to send him off without preconditions:</p>

<ol>
<li><p>We see the grades.</p></li>
<li><p>No specific GPA, but anything less than a B would call for a discussion of his efforts.</p></li>
<li><p>He needed to pay for his incidentals. We let him off the hook for books for the first semester since he didn’t get the hours at his summer job. He is on our cell phone plan. </p></li>
<li><p>If he would like to have a car at school at some point, the car will be in his name and he will be responsible for insurance and upkeep.</p></li>
</ol>

<p>He was told that not maintaining good grades would result in him coming home to resume his job and attend the local community college.</p>

<p>It’s early days yet, but so far the grades are good. He blew through his money by the end of September, so he is now coming home and working every other weekend (he has a hs senior gf, so this is not a hardship for him)</p>

<p>Communication has not been an issue. I told him I would contact him if it had been more than a week, but it hasn’t come to that.</p>

47

<p>Only requirements from my parents was that I don’t ask them for any financial support because they had none to give back then. </p>

<p>My older relatives did advise I maintain a 3.0 GPA minimum GPA…especially after some older cousins had serious issues finding employment because they fell below that. Especially driven home when one cousin who graduated URochester with an engineering and physics degrees had employers/HR halt interviews once they found his GPA was as little as ten-thousandth of a point below 3.0. </p>

<p>Thankfully with a near-full ride scholarship from my SLAC and part-time/summer work to defray differences/spending money, I was able to attend college without having to ask for any parental money. Because the scholarship required maintaining a minimum of a 3.25 each semester, I made sure to stay well above that…even when I was taking the equivalent of an extra class above the standard class load for a couple of semesters. </p>

<p>With one set of older cousins’ parents where grades/partying became a big issue, their conditions to their younger kids was maintain a 3.0 average without any classes with grades lower than B- or else they’d be told to withdraw completely and work for a bit until they matured enough to go back. This came about after one older cousin partied so hard that he came close to being expelled and his influence started to negatively influence his younger sibling’s college grades. </p>

<p>Communication expectations was whenever I was free. Was given a free hand in this because my parents felt that once one enters college, part of the learning process for the student to try learning how to manage and live on his/her own with little parental help unless he/she has exhausted his/her own resources first. It also helped that my father was completely on his own since the age of 12 and felt it was time for me to start learning how to do the same at 17. This was also before the age of cellphones, texting, and facebook.</p>

48

<p>No formal rules or regulation for DD who is a full pay @ $52K/year but expect the following:

  1. Full load, full time student graduating in 4 years or 5 if going for ME
  2. The college is very tough so there is no GPA requirement but with the expectation DD is putting all her effort to learn.
  3. Stay healthy, smoke/drug free, limited amount of alcohol.
  4. Devote some time to charity/mentoring kids in elementary/middle/high school.
  5. Summer internship paid or not has to be course related and there should be oppertunity to learn.
  6. Don’t ask for access to University system but DD shows all her semester grades.</p>

<p>As long as DD remains upfront with her problems, there is no reason what so ever to not support her if she runs into any issues.</p>

49

<p>I think the problem with having general expectations rather than simple conditions or rules that have been spelled out is that there can be big misunderstandings if the kid runs into trouble. Of course if everything is going fine, then there is no issue. </p>

<p>But you don’t need to have posted speed limits on roads if everyone knows what they are and drives safely. The reason for the posted limit isn’t to harass all the safe drivers – it is because sometimes it isn’t obvious what the limit should be. If there’s a sign that says 35mph then all the drivers are on notice that they can’t be driving 50mph, even if happens to be a straight, divided 4-lane road with no traffic that looks like a highway. </p>

<p>There can be all sorts of misunderstandings between parent and child when it comes to financial support – and these days, supporting a kid through college can be a huge financial burden on the parents. For example – I told my kid that I wanted her to maintain a 2.0 GPA. Of course I preferred a much higher GPA – but the context for my requirements was the sense with my first college kid that I had been “duped” into throwing money into an “investment” because the “risks” had been concealed from me – that is, I would have felt better in the long run if I had known of my son’s first year academic problems before spending 5 figures to keep him in the same college the 2nd year, without a plan in place to resolve the lingering issues from year #1. So for me, the issue was really that I wanted to be sure that the kid was on firm ground before sending off a fat check to the college bursar.</p>

<p>But for another parent, that bottom line might be a 3.0 GPA rather than the 2.0 I insisted on… and what happens when there is miscommunication? What happens when the kid turns out to have a 2.8 – and the parents aren’t happy about paying high tuition for mediocre performance? The kid might argue that the classes and chosen major are really tough, and a “C” is a passing grade. So then parent & child end up at odds over defining limits ex post facto, rather than being able to deal with the problem at hand and move on. </p>

<p>Of course it can be a problem if the parents set unreasonably high expectations – but it also is parental money at stake. I do think that it is an important life lesson for all students to know that money doesn’t come without obligation – and again, it’s easier all around if both the donor and recipient are aware of exactly what expectations are passed along with the funding.</p>

50

<p>calmom: I think you reasoning stem from the assumption that it is parent who wants the grade.</p>

<p>The only thing I tell my DD and try to convince her is everything she does is for her own life. If she learns properly then she will be the beneficiary and not us. What is the purpose to fuss over 2.9 or 3.2 if the child doesn’t even understand why 3.2. </p>

<p>I don’t want my child to attain a GPA because I want to see it that is why I don’t even ask for her grades unless she show me. I think child need to be responsible towards the grade and need to understand the importance of it.</p>

<p>I only tell DD that grades after a point is not important, knowledge is. If it comes to attaining knowledge over getting an A then go for B and get the knowledge then get an A.</p>

51

<p>Two have graduated, one is a freshman, one is a sophomore.
We have never seen our children’s grades!</p>

<p>Their Work Study Job is their spending money, if you don’t get the Work Study Job you are offered, then you are out of luck, we are not giving you any money! We have stuck with that rule. Their spending money would have to come from their own savings account. We pay for cell phone until child graduates from college, then they pay for their own cell phone. </p>

<p>We do pay for text books & tuition (but have done very well selling textbooks on Half Website) Actually children usually call or text me or H, I never initiate the call or text or email. I basically leave them alone, LOL, they are adults after all. </p>

<p>Actually two of them received book scholarships totaling $1,000 & $500, so that helped.</p>

52

<p>

</p>

<p>No, my personal reasoning stems from the fact that I had a very promising, smart, capable, trustworthy kid go off to college and fail to complete all of his coursework. Without my being aware of it, my son enrolled for his 2nd year at a pricey private college with only freshman standing. If I had insisted on access to transcripts then I would have known that there was an issue – instead, my son could get away with sharing me the strong grades in the courses he passed, and pretending to “forget” to tell me about the grades in the classes he didn’t complete. I trusted my kid, and I’m sure my kid was just too embarrassed and ashamed to let me know what trouble he was in, probably in denial thinking he could fix things the following year. </p>

<p>So the only thing I wanted from my d was the SAME thing that was required by her financial aid department – but I can see where some parents might expect more than that, and my point was that it makes sense to tell the kid what the parental limits are, rather than assume that everyone can read one another’s minds. </p>

<p>And yes, there is a parental expectation. My daughter graduated summa cum laude because of her own internal motivation – that didn’t come from me – but I had to exhaust my savings and borrow money to keep her in college, and I think its reasonable for me to have some expectations there. </p>

<p>

</p>

<p>My point is that it doesn’t always work out that way… and the child is not the one who is PAYING the costs when they fall short. It’s great when everything is going well, but I speak from the experience of when it doesn’t. It’s not a big deal for the parents to ask to see the transcript or grade report. </p>

<p>Years later my son finished college at a public, in-state school, paying his own way – and then his grades were fantastic. I did NOT ask to see his grades and it turned out that he was very disappointed and upset that I didn’t ask, because he thought it meant that I didn’t care about him … since he knew that I was asking to see his younger sister’s grades. I explained to him that I would love to see his grades, but as he was the one paying for his own education at that point, I didn’t think it was my business to ask – it was up to him to decide whether or not to share the information at that point. </p>

<p>Again – if I had known my son was in trouble academically in year #1 in school, maybe I could have helped him in year #2. For example, perhaps he could have taken some community college courses locally over the summer to help repair some of the damage, and started his 2nd year on a little better footing. </p>

<p>Maybe it wouldn’t have helped… but at least I would have known that help was needed.</p>

<p>Again – the point of the limits isn’t to punish the kids who don’t need them, its because of the situations where the kid goes off track at college, on the parent’s dime.</p>