Confusing Rooming Decision

Student Lounge College Life
1

First off, hi, this is my first post on CC after years of lurking. This will probably be long! Sorry! Skip to the very bottom please to see my actual question, the rest is just context. Sorry if this isn’t the right area for this? I think it is though

I’m a freshman in college, second semester. I know a lot of people want to become best friends with their roommates but I’m actually having a issue stemming from that. My roommate, V, was a random assignment roommate. We get along great, always spending time together, I don’t have any other actual friends here so it’s nice. But the downside is…we are always spending time together, I feel suffocated because she is just as introverted as I am but unlike me she has no desire to try and get out and go to basketball games or anything, I wanted to push myself socially in college but I use her as a crutch and I can’t stop it. I want to room with my friend I know from elementary school, P, next semester but V wants to do random because she doesn’t like Ps current roommate. Now I have communicated with P and am going to meet P and two of Ps friends tomorrow…our housing next semester only holds up to four people so if I like the girls then that means V can’t live with us.
I feel bad but I actually don’t want to live with V again, I think we would get on way better if we lived separately and just hung out instead because she is so overwhelming for me and I tend to find every little thing annoying because of just a few things she has done. Among other things, in November she told me she has a crush on me, and I tried to be gentle about it but eventually had to point blank say “no I do not like you like that. period.” and then she started making weird comments about things I was doing and saying that maybe if I had been weird (in ref to me listening to foreign music) earlier on she wouldn’t have developed a crush on me. Then last week she sent me a rather exhaustive text in the middle of the night about how she hates that I never take her feelings into count and ask her what’s wrong etc., I am not a mind reader. I try to ask her what’s up when I can visibly see’s shes upset but all her deep problems w her family and friends back home who I have never met just don’t matter that much to me. She sees a therapist weekly and has a ESA cat and talks to her mom constantly, I cannot offer better support then they can. It seemed unnecessary to formulate a whole call out text like that, I felt very put on the spot over something that is merely personality differences that she is already aware of.

I'm terrified of telling her I might not be living with her next year and therefore want to make sure everything is set in stone before bringing it up because she is always telling me I'm her favorite person and whatnot and it is a lot of pressure. She also doesn't have other friends at school either.

Now I am going to talk about this with P as well as with my older sister and my mom to try and get several perspectives but I want a collective opinion from just these facts about what situation might be better. Assuming I like Ps friends tomorrow, should I room with P and them or should I stick with V? I think that I could definitely continue living with V but I think I would have more fun and be freer with P & friends. But I really don’t want to lose V over this because we are definitely really really good friends, but I know she can hold a grudge and be really passive aggressive and I don’t want to be at the receiving end of that.

2

I would not room with V again. She is expecting too much from you friendship and otherwise. You don’t need that stress. You will end up avoiding your room. That should be a sanctuary, not somewhere you want to stay away from.

If you have to talk to V, just say that you are going with a different roommate next year.
If you have to say anything as to why (which you don’t), you could just say you enjoy her friendship but that living with her was too intense.

If you didn’t room with V, and she was passive aggressive…how would you know? If she kept texting you could block her.
If it gets too much then you talk to someone at the University about her stalking you after you turned down her discussions of a crush.

3

While it’s great that you get (or got) along with your roommate for this year, I think it might be better for both of you if you moved on and lived with different people. I was in a somewhat similar situation last year; one of my roommates from freshman year was a good friend and we shared a suite (with two others) the next year. But over the course of our sophomore year we just got on each others’ nerves more and more, and went our separate ways for the next year. Last semester I had a class with her and we sat together and it was nice to chat with her, but I stick by my decision to not live with her again.

It seems like P is offering you a really nice rooming situation with some new people who could introduce you to new friends. I would meet up with them and see whether you click with them, and if you do, then have a chat with V about your decision. It will be awkward but you will probably be a lot less stressed out about it once you’ve cemented an alternative plan. V may be upset, but then again she may be anxious to find other people or live on her own. That’s hard to gauge until you actually talk with her about it.

4

Room with P. V can go random as she plans. You can continue to be friends with V but right now, this is not healthy.

She has known problems and you are not supposed to solve them or be her therapist. You are there to get an education and have experiences that build you up, not tear you down. If V continues to be controlling and negative toward you, limit your exposure to her. I have had friends who had to move to “associate” category when they failed to respect me and/or the friendship. It is fine.

5

You have outgrown V’s style of friendship - and you are not responsible for her mental well-being. It will be easier to get yourself to a comfortable distance physically and emotionally if you don’t room with her again. Just inform her of your decision as soon as you can - the longer you wait, the more difficult it will be to have it with her, and that gives her less runway to go to her plan B (going rando). Good luck - you sound like a caring person who has given all you can.