A roommate problem...

Student Lounge College Life
1

<p>Get ready for a long and highly detailed post :)</p>

<p>Okay, so my roommate is my best friend from high school. Me and her are complete opposites because I'm optimistic, social, and willing to try new things....she on the other hand is slightly antisocial, pessimistic to the max, and is comfortable with just staying in her room and doing absolutely nothing. Today we finally moved in and after the whole day of complaining she decided to call her mom and go home for the night, she left about ten minutes ago. There was a dance tonight but I decided not to go because I apparently have been making her feel bad all day because she says "i seem so confident about college." </p>

<p>So we've just been in our dorm room watching tv and then all of a sudden she leaves but when she comes back she's in tears and starts telling me about how she doesn't know what she's feeling but she has a bad feeling aboout the school. So I start reassuring her that she's just homesick (since she's always with her fam) and to just give it a try. As we're going back and forth I'm getting really but also sad. My answers to her rants started becoming "mum" and "hum" and then she was like "who don't you just talk to me?" So then i start crying and telling her that I'm mad that she is holding me back from my experience and i'm doing the most to make her feel comfortable but at the end of the day SHE decides to just leave! It was a long talk but she's gone now and I just don't know what to do. We resolved that she would try it for a quarter but i just don't know if I can handle thi happening anymore. BTW, she did the same thing at orientation. Advice?</p>

2

<p>My best friend from high school and I were kinda like that, he's social and I'm antisocial (though now I'm being more social) we were both optimistic and pessimistic at times and we switched often (don't ask lol), though on average I was the pessimist. And uh, we're both slightly stubborn and open minded on different respective subjects (ie, I'm open minded to technology, he's open minded to try new things to do for fun, though again I'm working on that for myself this year).</p>

<p>Mmm, the difference between you guys and us is that me and him aren't going to the same college. Sure we miss each other but I'm pretty sure if he were here with me, especially if he were my roommate, we would just be holding eachother back from exploring and trying new things, and we'd still do the same old crap we did every day in high school. And we'd rather just hang out with eachother than go out and make new friends.</p>

<p>I don't know the best way to help as I'm only a frosh, I bet the typical answer would be to consult your RA except that since she's your best friend it would be different than complaining about a total stranger. From my point of view, I would either let her go or try to get her more social, but still that might not be possible and it will only happen if she wants to happen. How to make her want it to happen? Well how I wanted to be more social and open minded started in hs after reluctantly going out and doing something fun with a lot of people, and then not doing anything for a couple of weeks. "Not doing anything" was what I had been doing for years but since that night of fun I felt like I should be having fun being social way more often. And the longer I did nothing the more I wanted to do something again. So here I am wanting to do things all the time at a school with nothing to do, but at least I'm more social and have more fun than the guy next door who goes to class, eats, and stays in his room all day. I don't know maybe you can go out with your friend and hang out at a place with an average amount of people (I would suggest lunch/dinner, but maybe at your school there's a lot better to do), and while she's in the bathroom or something use some of your own social skills and get friendly with a slightly larger group so that when she comes back you can introduce her to a bunch of new people, she might like it she might not. Maybe she'll like it more if she makes pessimistic friends. Or maybe you could make a bunch of friends, bring them back to your dorm little by little so she gets to know your circle, then go out and do something with them all one weekend. I don't know, sorry if this sounds really f'd up but you know her best, maybe she is just homesick. </p>

<p>It does sound like she'll really hold you back if you don't do something, though. You don't want this to be high school all over again, but you also don't want to drift away from her slowly and lose your relationship with her... worst of all since you guys are best friends its hard for anyone outside to help, because you two know your relationship better than anyone.
(and now, yet another [/ramble])</p>

3

<p>You need to take responsibility for living your own life, and allow your roommate to do the same.</p>

<p>Just because you're roommates doesn't mean that if she doesn't want to socialize, you must stick with her. If she chooses to be miserable because you feel confident, that's not your fault. She needs to do something to address her lack of confidence, which could mean that she should utilize the college counseling center, which probably has helped many students with similar issues to hers.</p>

<p>You also need to stop blaming her for holding you back from your experience. You have a choice. Your going out and doing things that interest you isn't holding her back. She has a choice about her life. Just because you are best friends doesn't mean that you are obligated to be glued to each other.</p>

<p>It would be a good idea for you to talk to your RA to get ideas about how to deal with this. Doing so wouldn't be ratting your roommate out, but getting advice from an upperclassman who has probably seen others cope with similar situations in which they want to maintain a friendship while being roommates.</p>

<p>My thoughts are that the sooner you set ground rules, the better because it seems that she has a distorted idea of what it means to have a roommate. It seems that girls in particular misinterpret having a roommate to having a clone. </p>

<p>This may have dawned on you already, but just because someone is your best friend doesn't mean they'd be a good roommate for you. I am a gregarious person who many people view as warm and kind. One of my best friends (our friendship dates back to college) is a cynical introvert who views very few people as being worthy of her time and attention. She also is the type of person who is very rigid and wants everything done her way.</p>

<p>I love her, but even visiting her for 2 days tries my patience because she is so different than I am. Under no circumstances would I ever room with her. She even offered to take me to Paris for a week, and I turned her down because I knew that spending such an extended period of time with her in such close quarters would drive me crazy.</p>

<p>One last thing: Just because someone is your best friend in h.s. doesn't mean they'll be your best friend forever. College is a big turning point in that it exposes one to independence and to many more situations and people, things that may change your view of the world and how you respond to things. It may be that what you're now experiencing is an indication that she was a good person to be friends with in h.s., but now that you're in college, you're growing along different paths and would be happier with other types of friends.</p>

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<p>Err yeah heh, its probably a lot easier and better for both of you to live your lives less identical than for you to try and change her...</p>

5

<p>Repeat after me: You are not responsible for how she feels. She is.</p>

<p>You are only responsible for yourself. </p>

<p>Go and do what you want to do. Invite her to join you if you want, but if she declines -- go enjoy yourself!</p>

6

<p>I roomed with my high school best friend, and 25 years after graduation we are still best friends -- but those four years were not easy, and we did not room together after freshman year. We had very different approaches (I was more studious, and he did not need to study as much) and as a result there were continued tensions. I think honesty is the best policy -- as others on this thread have stated, you are not responsible for your roommate, but at the same time, tensions that lurk beneath the surface can fester and explode in a small dorm room. I would simply explain, as I wish I had many years ago, that it is plain that we two are approaching this place differently; that we are each entitled to do that; that the differences do not mean we are less good friends; but that inevitably we won't be spending as much time together. It is never easy but I wish I had had a conversation like that. Good luck.</p>

7

<p>"Okay, so my roommate is my best friend from high school."</p>

<p>There's your problem.</p>

8

<p>What is it with really nice people and their best friends? I realize that the OP's choice of best friends reminds me of my S and his best friend from h.s. S is nice, outgoing, optimistic, easygoing; best friend is cynical and pessimistic. </p>

<p>S, a soph, is happily rooming with friends he made in college whose personalities are similar to his. If S were rooming with his h.s. best friend (who still is his best friend, but goes to a different college that -- no surprise -- the friend complains about attending), I think S would be miserable because it would be hard to live daily with someone with such a sour view of the world as his friend has.</p>

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<p>FIRST, GET HER TO THE COLLEGE COUNSELING SERVICE IMMEDIATELY. IF she is antisocial AND depressed (some people are happy being alone and perfectly content) then that is a dangerous bowl of soup. She needs help in the DIFFICULT transition from living at home/highschool and being 'in college.' Its hard on everyone and doubly difficult being antisocial/depressed and now feeling isolated from you.</p>

<p>Second, it was not a good idea going to the same college as your high school friends and then deciding to be roommates together. Most kids do that out of a comfort zone but quickly find out their friends are very different when living with them, than otherwise. (My D went away to college and SPECIFICALLY avoided going to the same college and rooming with buddies, for that VERY reason.)</p>

<p>Third, live your own life. Be pleasant to her, upbeat and helpful. But tell her that she has to get up off the bed, get moving, get EXERCISE, FRESH AIR, and EAT RIGHT. AND GET COUNSELING. </p>

<p>Fourth, prepare yourself for what may come. She may not survive and may wash out and go home to cry in her mother's apron. Her MOTHER is likely encouraging this behavior. I have seen this time and time again. I know of a SPECIFIC case right now with someone in a small southern LAC where the parents drive down to school, pick up the kid and bring the kid home EVERY WEEKEND to do the kids laundry and pamper them and let the kid whine about life in the dorm and how hard it is to make friends. GEEEZ! IS THAT NOT WEIRD OR WHAT? And this is a SOPHOMORE AND ITS STILL GOING ON!</p>

<p>(It was a close call because my D is friends with this kid.....and ALMOST went to the same school! WHEW!)</p>

<p>THESE are FOUR wonderful years of learning and growing and being carefree. DONT let one person tie you down. </p>

<p>Tell her you love her but....you are going to get on with your life. She is "welcome" to join you, but she MUST get up off the bed and learn to HELP HERSELF.</p>

<p>Suggest clubs you can BOTH join.</p>

<p>If she does NOT improve, then tell your parents so they can tell her HER parents and do SOMETHING about it. TELL THE TRUTH. GET THE FACTS OUT.</p>

<p>She may wash out by Thanksgiving if she doesnt get up off that bed and get moving. Monitor her for deeper depression problems. Report her to the RA if it gets weird and she starts being peculiar like sleeping all the time, skipping class, staying in the room with the lights off etc. </p>

<p>DONT internalize HER problems. Be responsible and caring, and do what you can to help her. But DONT let her bring you down into her world. </p>

<p>She may be in shock from leaving home. This is somewhat common. It can be cured. The solution is as above. </p>

<p>Good luck. And YOU have fun. (no parties and boy hounding. just good clean fun.)</p>

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<p>I agree with nocousin that your friend's behavior could be due to depression. Whether or not it's due to depression, she could use help from the college counseling center, which could help her adjust to college, something that their counselors have helped many students do. Her problems are not unusual. You can suggest that she use the counseling center, and you can tell her parents about your concerns, but you can't make her use the center. Whether she chooses to use it is her choice. Given how her parents are catering to her needs, your friend may have learned that acting miserable is a way of getting attention and affection. You, however, don't have to play along with her manipulations.</p>

<p>I am convinced that my S's best friend, who behaves similarly to your friend, is depressed, but he won't get help. My own best friend from college, whom I described earlier, has been cynical, antisocial, angry and obviously depressed since her father killed himself while she was in college, but she has continued to resist going to therapy. The only reason that I keep her in my life is that I do feel sorry for her, and except for her partner, I'm the person she's closest to in the world. However, I would never choose to live with her or change my life to meet her antisocial desires.</p>

<p>OP -- take a good look at yourself and think about why you have chosen to have such a person as your best friend, and to even live with her. Does she really have compensating characteristics that you enjoy or are you with her because you feel sorry for her? Do you feel better or worse when you spend time with her?</p>

<p>It took me decades to figure out that I had an internal magnet that attracted me to people who were in misery as if I had a responsibility to make their lives better. I spent a lot of my time professionally and personally being with unhappy people who bent my ear with their cynicism and complaints about life. No matter what happened with their lives, they always were miserable. Meanwhile, I knew other people who were disabled or impoverished or even dying who were pleasant to be around and were really enjoying life. I now choose friends who are uplifting, not friends who bring me down.</p>

<p>I hope you realize at a younger age than I did that it's not your responsibility to uplift people who are choosing to wallow in misery. Certainly, everyone has their ups and downs, and one shouldn't abandon friends just because they are going through some rough times. But if someone is constantly down, then why would you want such a person as a close friend? What's in it for you?</p>

<p>If a person is cynical, antisocial, and pessimistic , unless you share those traits, you probably would be far happier choosing friends who share more of your own perspective and sociability. You can't save your friend. She needs professional help, and whether she decides to get it is her choice. You can, though, choose to not let her misery impede your life.</p>

<p>Join the clubs that you want to join. Don't look for clubs for both of you. If you join as a pair, given her personality, you probably will miss out on some nice friendships because many people who would like you would not want to be friends with your cynical, antisocial friend nor would she wish to be friends with them.</p>

<p>I recently went a couple of places with a friend who is nice, but socially aversive. We went to a theater production early because I wanted to enjoy the preshow -- a music performance in the theater's back yard. People socialize there and have light refreshments. </p>

<p>I am involved in the theater group and wanted my acquaintance to meet some of my friends. I was trying to do her a favor because she's actually doing some business with the group. After I had introduced her to a few people, she asked me if we could leave and go some place quiet, then we walked 4 blocks away to sit alone at a coffee shop. There she regaled me with her personal tales of woe. I realized in the 4 years that I've known her, she's never talked about anything uplifting. It's simply not fun for me to be with her.</p>

<p>At that point, I realized that she was not the type of person whom I enjoyed spending time with because while she enjoys being with me one on one, she avoids being with people in groups, even friendly groups that she has a business interest in socializing with. Her idea of fun isn't my idea of fun at all. </p>

<p>Anyway, I suspect that if you and your friend go to campus activities together, your friend will prevent your getting to know other people and having a good time.</p>

11

<p>My advice would be to go out and make new friends and introduce them to your roommate. Who knows? Maybe your roommate will be friends with them too!</p>

<p>It depends on the personality of your roommate.
Is she antisocial because she doesn't like people?
Or is she antisocial because she's insecure about what other people think of her BUT she desperately wants to meet others?</p>

<p>If it's the former- do your own thing. Meet other people and see how your friendship with her lasts through freshman year. This may sound a little cold but you can't let her ruin your college experience.</p>

<p>If it's the latter- keep making friends and introduce them to her. If they show a liking to your roommate, who knows? She may become a better and happier person based on you making more friends.</p>

<p>I say this as an extravert who has social anxiety.</p>

12

<p>Sometimes it is easier to room with someone that you are not friends with. If the relationship works, great!</p>

<p>But if it doesn't, it isn't as big of a loss as rooming with a childhood friend, if it goes bad.</p>

13

<p>
[quote]
My answers to her rants started becoming "mum" and "hum" and then she was like "who don't you just talk to me?" So then i start crying and telling her that I'm mad that she is holding me back from my experience and i'm doing the most to make her feel comfortable but at the end of the day SHE decides to just leave!

[/quote]
</p>

<p>When you let her to drag you down, or wear you down, out of the loyalty of a long-held friendship, you do both a disservice. You stuff it and then explode at her, which is indeed scary for her.</p>

<p>Instead, you might practice some formulaic sentences to say, for when she starts up with her complaining. There are phrases that acknowledge her feelings (so she doesn't freak out that you don't like her) but put a kind of protective shield around you, too, allowing you to proceed with your evening plans.</p>

<p>For example, "I'm sorry you see it that way..." (meanwhile you're putting on a jacket and getting ready to leave). </p>

<p>"It sounds pretty rough for you right now. I hope things improve."</p>

<p>If she begins to rant, just repeat the exact same words. Feel no obligation to vary your phrasing. Repeating the same sentence calmly is a very powerful antidote to being raged at.</p>

<p>Take no responsibility for her perceptions; continue on your way. Say your rehearsed phrases with a sympathetic smile and kind tone, but keep your feet moving out the door.</p>

<p>The best way to influence someone's behavior is by example, not by discussion. Perhaps if she sees your example, acting in a sociable way relative to campus adjustment, it might even influence or inspire her to try. But I wouldn't count on it. My point is: I don't think you can persuade her, verbally, to try harder. She has to come to that on her own.</p>

14

<p>Yeah, i agree with the same people that say that nothing can hold you back from having the college experience that you want except yourself. You want to go to dances, go to dances and ask your friend ONCE to come and when she says no, say its her loss, shrug, and go. Be her friend, but that doesnt mean be the wall that gets hit by all of her complaints and bitterness. Friends can either support each other, or have fun with each other, and if you are lucky, both. You can support her, try to help her, but dont get down stuck in her dumps. Be there for her, try to help her have a good experience, but find and hang out with other friends for fun. </p>

<p>The problem is that youre crying with her. That feeds her complaints - be very receptive to her words, thoughts, and hopes, but not at all to her negative thoughts. If she is determined to stew in her own misery, then letting her is better that jumping in with her. </p>

<p>A lot of people are saying, "oh get her to be more socialable..." Look, people can change, but not always. I know from experience that it is hard as anything to become social when you have been antisocial your whole life, it takes years of practice to literally rewire your brain and body. Don't try to change her, just you do your thing and let her do hers, and if at any time she wants to join into your social life, help her as much as you can.</p>

15

<p>I was in a VERY similar situation to you and your friend, though I was the more anti-social one.</p>

<p>I went to a college on the other side of my state where absolutely no one from my high school attended. I lived in a suite with 3 other girls and aside from them knew no one else on campus. My roommates and I hung out a lot together at first because we were all in the same position and I got along with all of them. Though they were more outgoing and party types than I was but I went with them (just wouldn't drink) just for something to do. I got involved in theatre during that first semester and that combined with choir opened me up to new people, but I knew that I didn't want to stay at that school I wanted to go somewhere with a stronger theatre program. However the whole second semester I made friends through theatre that I absolutely LOVE and I still miss them but I left anyway for I thought a better place closer to home.</p>

<p>Well I got accepted to a university 30 minutes to my home and was going to be rooming with one of my best friends from high school. Well unfortunately that idea didn't work out very well. She was the type that was kind of suffocated by her parents in high school so she now went a bit wild at college and that was just not me. Within the first two weeks I was starting to develop depression. I enjoyed most of my classes and professors and my best friend's one friend I REALLY liked so we hung out occasionally, but she was a party girl at times too. This is the type of school where honestly EVERYONE gets smashed on an almost nightly basis and I felt like the odd one out because I just wasn't that interested. I tried to cope but I knew I couldn't stay there either so I tried to pull through until the end of the semester at least. My friend and I had a few fights because I was just depressed all the time and I guess I tried to be a den mother since I was worried about her. I went home for Thanksgiving break and I did NOT want to go back, I knew I couldn't at all. So I withdrew and went back to get my things. Which of course royally screwed up my really good GPA I had. </p>

<p>I went to a CC pulled up my GPA somewhat and got accepted into a theatre school like I wanted. I live with two roommates who are a few years older than me (no more than 5) who have full time jobs and obviously aren't involved in my school at all and we get along great. And so far I'm really liking my school though its always tough to make friends as a transfer I have other friends in NYC that I can also hang out with when I want.</p>

<p>My best friend and I aren't as close as we were before, though that's due to distance I think more than anything but we get along and try to hang out on occasion.</p>

<p>So long story really short, you guys are not compatible living companions and no amount counseling with probably change that. Perhaps you should try to switch roommates. I know it sounds like a crappy thing to do but I think in the end your relationship will be better because of it. She's using you as a crutch because she doesn't know anyone and subconsciously you may also be kind of doing the same thing though obviously this other part of you doesn't want to and wants to get out and experience college. I think that if she's paired with someone she doesn't know it will be easier for her to get out and meet new people because she's forced to.</p>

<p>Another thing to consider is that the school itself may not be a fit for her. I don't know if you or her applied to the same school because you were both gonna go there or if there was another reason (like your majors) that sparked the decision. </p>

<p>The important thing is not to blame her or yourself. Not everyone can live together and unfortunately not everyone is meant to BFFs, just try to do something so that you can salvage your friendship and not grow to hate each other.</p>

16

<p>Thanks for all the replies and btw sleepyman, i'm a frosh too. I know I shouldn't blame her for hindering anything in my life but I can't help it if she's living with me and that's how I feel. Also, I have been doing my own thing 100%, it's just that for the sake of her being "depressed" and my best friend, I stayed in with her last night only for her to leave me...which I believe is pretty selfish. Back in march when we were discussing roommates I told her that I'd rather us hav different roomies but she literally BEGGED me to be her roommate. I said that it probably wouldn't work because one of us would be clinging to the other (but I meant her) and she said that wouldn't happen. Well it did and I regret us being in the same room. And maybe her and the school aren't good fit but I REALLY thik she should stick it out. I wish she could see things my way, I'm not trying to change her and I don't, but I just want her to be more optimistic and willing. She kept saying it was boring but that's why I was getting mad because she's sitting on her ass playing tetris so of course she's bored! Idk...she's coming back today so we'll see what happens.</p>

17

<p>"nd maybe her and the school aren't good fit but I REALLY thik she should stick it out. I wish she could see things my way, I'm not trying to change her and I don't, but I just want her to be more optimistic and willing. "</p>

<p>You are trying to change her. You've described her as being cynical, pessimistic and antisocial. If that's the way she is, she probably won't be happy anywhere. It won't matter whether or not she sticks it out. She'll be miserable. </p>

<p>What's the reason that you and she are friends? Thus far, you haven't described anything about her that seems appealing.</p>

18

<p>Exactly. That's what I told her. I told her it wasn't the school that it was her.</p>

<p>I know right? We're friends because we like a lot of the same things and we somehow just get each other but she's pretty much a negative person other than that ESPECIALLY to new things . All my HS friends call her "debbie downer" or "moody martha". I don't know why we're friends or even best friends at that because I've always questioned it but we just get along really well.</p>

<p>And I don't see myself trying to change her. Being pessimistic or cynical is just one's way of seeing things. I'm not trying to change her, just her outlook.</p>

19

<p>Okay, so this time I actually read through all of the replies and I get it. I WAS letting her hold me down. Today, (she still hasn't come back yet) was SO much better than yesterday. I've been having fun hanging out with different people and even though I'm still half expecting her to be in the dorm when I walk inside I know that maybe this is how it's supposed to be. Yes, I signed up to be her roommate because I felt sorry for her and I knew she wouldn't survive because she was utterly terrified at the thought of living with anyone else. If she does decide to commute (she said she would stick it out for a quarter and if it doesn't work then she'll live from home) I guess it would be for the best. We'll still see each other and hang out and I can stop being so darn nice and feeling like I have to be the one to give her the push she needs.</p>

20

<p>I'm just a freshman too, and I don't know if this would be letting her hold you down more, but you could try inviting some people back to your room and seeing if she feels more comfortable socializing with people in a place that's (a bit) more familiar too her.</p>