Connections at Prep School

Prep School Admissions
1

<p>Just a disclaimer: I realize that this post could potentially come across as really snobby, and I apologize in advance..it really isn't my intent. And sorry if I'm posting in the wrong board.</p>

<p>I am currently a day student senior at a competitive prep school in New England. It really was everything I dreamed of- being surrounded by intelligent peers, the tight-knit community, meeting people from all over the world, etc. I also had a small group of really close friends for the first two years, and I loved school. However, in 11th grade our group fell apart.. and I realized I had made a big mistake. I hadn't really socialized with anyone else outside our friend group, and I ended up being pretty much alone for most of 11th grade. It was a low point in my life, and though things did get slightly better, I'm still without a group that I enjoy being with. (Sorry this is turning into a depression story, I swear I have another point).</p>

<p>The friends that I drifted apart from all made other friends in other social circles, and I feel like I'm the only one without a successful social life. I learned in 11th grade that life is really hard if you don't have friends to support you, and I'm trying harder this year- but it isn't working out too well. On top of that, I'm realizing that this is a once in a lifetime opportunity to make connections with people that are motivated, incredibly smart, sincere, and will go places in life, and I feel like I'm missing out on what could be an amazing bonding experience. Just a few examples...there are tri-varsity athletes, students that speaks seven languages fluently, one of the top high school mathematicians in the US, people with incredible leadership skills, musicians who have won international music competitions, classmate who has signed with a professional model agency, etc. a lot pf people are so passionate yet so MODEST.</p>

<p>If it was simply the lack of friends, it would be little bit more bearable...but there are amazing people here and I'm so disappointed that I feel anxiety when befriending them. I do consider myself friendly but I am also pretty shy, which is why I always preferred to have a small group of really close friends. I developed pretty bad social anxiety last year, and I get a vibe that some people avoid me because of it. I get particularly envious when people travel during the summer to foreign countries, there's always at least one friend in every country, or major US city they visit. These people live all over the world, and have a support system and a friend or two wherever in the world they go.</p>

<p>Does anyone have any advice on what to do? It is my last year, and I'm trying to get over my social anxiety and reach out to more people, but its hard. I sometimes reassure myself, that I can try again in college, but I hear that friendships during college are just not the same as high school bonds; and when am I ever going to be in an environment surrounded by these kinds of people ever again? I know I should and I DO feel lucky that I go to such a great school with amazing opportunities, but I just don't feel happy. If anyone could offer any advice..I'd be very grateful. What should I do? Could anyone offer a different perspective on this? Thanks in advance.</p>

2

<p>Before anything you have to do some honest soul searching and answer questions. Why are you shy? Is there an insecurity and if so why are you feeling insecure? You also have to believe on yourself and love yourself. Once you believe that you’re a great person and ppl would be lucky to know you, you will attract people towards you. Confidence is attractive, lack of it puts people off. You get back what you put out. I know it’s easier said than done but I’m speaking from experience. I was a very outgoing small child until a string of events brought out a huge change in me. I became insecure and very shy. I was like you…I did much better in small groups and those who knew the real me couldn’t understand what others who didn’t know me would say or assume. I was like this throughout high school, college and early 20s. At 24 yr old I said to myself, to hell with those you assume things of me…if they don’t want to get to know the real me, their loss. Once I became more confident within my shell, I grew as a person. It was a hard process but I’m so much happier because of it.</p>

<p>Pandabanda, whatever the issue is that triggers this shyness, you need to work on that. Put yourself out there and don’t worry what others may be thinking. Allow them to know the real you and leave any insecurities behind. Believe in yourself and love yourself…once you do, others will too!</p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

3

<p>Panda, you sound like you are and will be a wonderful friend and far from alone in what you are feeling. Indeed, I suspect many on this board might relate with various aspects of your story.</p>

<p>But, you asked for advice. So here’s mine.</p>

<p>1) Accept where you are and know it’s okay: You’re in your senior year and the pressure you seem to feel over solving this friend dilemma before the clock runs out is acute. But friendships don’t march to a timer and the pressure you feel is getting in your way. Accept that you may graduate without making all the headway you might like, i.e., having made up lost ground as you see it and leave with a pack of close buddies, and knowing that it’s all okay, that you’re still okay, and that you have all the time in the world to make and sustain the friendships you need. Once you do that, you start to relax and that ability to relax with yourself, accept where you are and who you are warts and wonderful bits and all, you’ll find it so much easier to loosen up and engage with people. Trust me. You’ll see. </p>

<ol>
<li><p>Focus on pursuits, not friendships: The friend thing is proving hard, because you’re allowing that to be your overriding focus. But friendships don’t happen in the quest for friendship per se, they happen when one is caught up in the jolly mess of doing something else. Run, act, be part of an environmental or other club. Make that your focus; throw yourself into it and forget about trying to make friends and paradoxically you’ll find it so much easier to create those relationships. Your interests “passions” give you grounding. Start there. The rest will come.</p></li>
<li><p>You don’t make friends for their accomplishments: You seem in awe of the talent pool surrounding you and the glittering honors they’ve achieved. But that’s not how and why we make friends. Those things are incidental. Dispense with all that and give yourself and others the respect of meeting them as people.</p></li>
<li><p>A great many enduring relationships have begun college, more so than in high school I would wager.</p></li>
</ol>

4

<p>+1 for mussels. Numbers 1-3 are really quite the name of the game in college too, whether the relationships made “endure” or not. </p>

<p>The old saw about “got my closest friends for life in BS” is not true for everybody. It is an understandable “ideal”, panda, but many persons have let go of it. Nobody knows how the months of October through May will, socially, turn out for you. (Following the advice above will be helpful, imho.) A good education, however, should, over time, help one to learn how to carry on under less than ideal circumstances. Sometimes, attending the “perfect” boarding school or college, with all their grandeur, wonderful people and prestige, leads one to expect more than real life delivers. </p>

<p>Be true to yourself, even as you strive to become the person you want to be. Ponder your premise of having “a small group of really close friends”. Some people question whether this is in fact a good objective for themselves and try other paths. They are often happy. You can be happy too.</p>

5

<p>I can definitely relate to your feelings. Like NYCMomof3, a “string of events” in my childhood and adolescence had the effect of making me a shy, self-conscious, and socially awkward teen and young adult. I understand the feeling of being intimidated by others’ accomplishments and apparent confidence and your desire to make connections among these interesting people. Try to remember that you yourself are also accomplished and interesting and that what you feel as shyness may be interpreted by others as a lack of interest in them.</p>

<p>It took me a long time to break past my own self-consciousness, but what helped me the most was becoming involved in theater. If you have any interest in theater at all, I highly recommend it as a practical solution to your problem. You will get to know some intimidatingly talented and accomplished people in an intimate setting and find out that they are not so intimidating after all. If you get on stage yourself, you will probably find that the experience builds your confidence in ways you would have never expected.</p>

<p>If you have no interest in theater, I suggest trying to get involved in something you do like. It’s a lot easier to talk to people about something you are working on together than it is to make conversation in a specifically social setting. And there will be other opportunities in your life to make friends, whatever path you take, so just relax as best you can and enjoy where you are now. Good luck to you now and in the future!</p>

6

<p>Why don’t you try to join some clubs that focus on community service. My daughter has now graduated from boarding school and after a difficult first year, she was fortunate that one of her coaches got her involved with Habitat for Humanity. She met some great friends and said she always felt better and less stressed when she put herself out there to help some one in need. Community service became her passion and she went on to mentor a local child and now in college is being trained to do something at the local middle school.</p>

7

<p>Part of your social isolation comes from being a day student, (over time day students find it harder and harder to be part of the social groups that form between boarders), but it can also be turned to your advantage. </p>

<p>Recruit your family car/driver and ask friendly boarders on weekends to go out to movies/ice cream/shopping/hikes. Boarders are trapped and cannot do these things without day student friends. </p>

<p>Ask other students to come over for dinner, for overnights. You will have to ask them, because to ask you would be imposing, but they would LOVE home-cooked food. Make pizza or brownies if necessary.</p>

<p>Join some far-fetched clubs. At this point it is unlikely you will social network into the next Facebook, but just to meet some basic people and do one social thing a week. Awkward nerds are just fine, you will have a lot of fun.</p>