I go to an elite, highly selective boarding as a day student. I’ve been here for almost a year. I feel very lonely and feel like I have no friends. I have some people to hang out with but I have no close friends or even anyone I can trust. Every morning I dread going to school. However, the thought of transferring sounds unimaginable to me; I worked so hard to get into this school, and it’s a very good school. The other thing is I love my teachers and I love my classes. I feel like I could get a very good education here. The only problem is I feel so lonely and friendless, and I feel like I don’t fit in at all, in any of the friend groups. So, do you have any tips for finding close friends, fitting in, etc? I’m almost done with my freshman year. I don’t know wether things will get better, but I really hope so. I’ve been considering seeing a school counselor and talking to them about it. Maybe it will make me feel better. Also, transferring is not an option for me, at least at the moment. Any advice on how to deal with this loneliness/friendlessness/feeling left out is greatly appreciated. I feel left out all the time! Any tips at all on how to improve my social life would help. Also, some more information: I’m pretty shy. And I have lots of amazing, close friends outside of school. These are true friends; I can trust them and genuinely enjoy hanging out with them, unlike my school “friends”. In school, this “making good friends” seems to be a problem… Thanks in advance for any help.
Is it possible or plausible for you to attend as a boarding student?
No, it’s not. To be honest, it’s not really that I hate the school… I think I overexaggerated in my post. I just wish I had close friends, and I feel like the whole social/feeling lonely issue is what’s bothering me the most. And I feel like I lack confidence sometimes. But anyway, do you think it will get better next year? In the meantime, is there anything I could do to make closer friends? Thanks so much 
I had less friends as a freshman as I do now (as a sophomore). I think many people gradually build friendships through high school, and while the ideal high school experience would have you going through these four years with dependable BFF’s, that’s not always how it is. Just remember, it’s only four years. And even so, you have no idea what next year (or the next and the next) have in store!
Good luck!
I had less friends as a freshman as I do now (as a sophomore). I think many people gradually build friendships through high school, and while the ideal high school experience would have you going through these four years with dependable BFF’s, that’s not always how it is. Just remember, it’s only four years. And even so, you have no idea what next year (or the next and the next) have in store!
Good luck!
Thanks :)! That honestly really helped!!I think and hope next year will be better. Also, I feel like this is sort of distracting me from my work. I feel unmotivated and instead of actually working I just worry about my grades and GPA. Whenever I hear about other people getting good grades, instead of being happy for them I get nervous for myself. I feel like my time management and study habits kind of, well, suck.
I’m so sorry to hear you are having a hard time. I had periods of time at boarding school that I felt very much the same way, and I would imagine for a day student it could feel really isolating. The thing is that it WILL get better, it definitely will! So many of my friends talk about how lonely they were freshman year. Even if it seems like everyone has it figured out, I promise you, lots of people feel the same way you do.
You might want to think about talking to one of the school counselors. Lots and lots and lots of people do it and find it really helpful-- this kind of thing is exactly what they are there for and are good at helping you with. I met with a counselor at my school for exactly what you are talking about and it was super helpful-- they give you ideas on how to meet people and some goals you can try for in between sessions.
Another thing to think about is that sophomore year, there is usually a big influx of new students. There is a lot of social shifting that happens because of the new people, so don’t feel like how it is now is how it is always going to be-- the social landscape totally changes and there will be new people and shifting groups and a lot of space for change in the fall.
The biggest thing to think about is that it takes time, for everyone, to get to a place where they are socially happy and it is a really fluid thing. Someone can have lots of friends but still feel really lonely. I’ve found that by doing things I love to do and following my interests, friends have cropped up unexpectedly.
If you want to PM me and talk more specifically, I’m here!
Thank you so so much! This really helped. Thank you for your support!
I’m someone who’s always been a floater… it’s hard. My advice is just to meet as many people as possible, and don’t give up.
It takes time to make close friends. Think how long it took to make your current best friends. Also, don’t compare them with your current school friends. It’s been only an year since you started. You said you like the school and classes. You are in a much better position than some others who don’t like the school. So the general environment for you to make good friends is there. Be patient and try to engage yourself in other extracurricular activities such as clubs. You will be surprised to learn that more students than you can imagine are in fact shy. They just don’t act so. Be a little bit more proactive and time will solve it. Start with the day students who may feel the same way. I am not worried. You are very normal. Cheer up, go out and start talking your heart out!
Freshman year is hard - everyone is new and it takes a while to settle. Be kind to yourself and recognize that friendship takes time. Meanwhile, be sure to get involved in clubs & activities that interest you. You will likely form friendships there, among others who share your interests. Sign up for things (community service, study groups, clubs, lectures, etc.) and just generally “be present” on campus. If you’re shy, this may seem hard, but it will get easier as time goes on. @patronyork is right: I’m sure that you’re not the only one who feels this way! I also do think that it’s a good idea to speak to a school counselor or your advisor. It may feel better to get the perspective of an adult on campus, and just to have someone to confide in.
Thanks everyone! I guess it does just take time. Hopefully I’ll find someone I feel I really connect with.
My son is in his second year as a day student and is also a little shy. His view is that you shouldn’t look to just hang out with day students-- that both limits the number of people you meet and marginalized you a bit. When he started, we were told the best thing is to hang out as much as possible: stay for dinner, join clubs, etc. He’s met friends in class, through sports, and through extra- curriculars. He’s had a solid friend group since last year that spans grades and is mostly boarders, but includes one other day student. He says the people who are most UNhappy are the people who pick out one group ahead of time (the New York crowd, the jock crowd, whatever) and only will be satisfied if they’re part of that group. But as long as you’re open and just need a few good friends, just try to make yourself get involved in a few different clubs/sports/extra-curriculars, and it will work out. Despite now having a solid group of friends, he went on a school trip over spring break and got to know a whole new group as well (though his closest friends are still the old gang). Realize that some kids arrive at boarding school with a group already in place-- they went to the same school, or came from the same town. Those groups are harder to break into. Outside of those pre-formed groups, however, everyone is feeling a little insecure, and everyone wants friends. There will be a whole bunch of new sophomores and all the new freshmen next year (and a few new juniors, seniors and PGs), so really push yourself at the beginning of next year to get involved, hang out, and try to go to some social events at night and on weekends. Just keep telling yourself, “everyone wants friends.” And good luck. It IS hard, but hang in there.
Hi floweri,
Boarders get homesick, wondering if you and your family tried to invite a few of them to dinner? In my son’s school they have a very short holidays (head’s weekend), where the entire school closes for a few days. Flying back home for 4-days vacation might be difficult/expensive for some boarders. If you family would allow this, why not invite 2-3 classmates to stay with you for a few nights? I’m sure this will help you to make some friends.
Thanks everyone. I just feel like the friends I have now aren’t really the type of friends I want. Also within my friend group there are groups of friends that are closer, so I don’t have that type of close group of friends, like the kind that you share everything with them and you’re really close to all of them. Honestly, I’m not close to anyone at school and I don’t even really enjoy hanging out with my friends. I feel like I just don’t fit in any of the groups :(. I want to be friends with these people but groups already formed and it’s extremely hard to switch groups. I don’t even know what to do…
Really, I know it’s very lonely just hearing that you should wait-- but, honestly, there will be a fair number of incoming sophomores next year (at least at most of these schools) and they, too, will feel like they’re coming into a place where “everyone already has their friend group.” They’ll appreciate a friendly face. I know you don’t feel super-outgoing, but maybe you could volunteer to be a greeter for new students, or one of the people who contacts them over the summer to answer questions? Just a thought. Plus, all those greeter people are on campus a couple days early and that also can be a bonding experience.
I’m a freshman, too. I go to public high school right now, and when I started, I barely knew anyone. Making friends was really difficult because their were already cliques from 8th grade and I was in classes with upperclassmen, who already had friends. I had to be very outgoing and social, which was hard for me. For the first part of the school year, I was accepting of the fact that it would take time and effort to create these friendships. In the middle of the schoolyear, I had friends, but they weren’t close. I felt that they didn’t really know me or care about me. I would come home from school upset and spend hours complaining to my parents about how I didn’t have any friends. What I didn’t realize is that by thinking that these people didn’t care about me was doing a disservice to them and to myself. Once you give people the chance to know you and to like you, they absolutely will. For a shy person, this can be hard. I would recommend talking to other quiet people and to very extroverted people. Those quiet people might be in the same boat as you, and extroverted people just love meeting new people and making new friends.
thanks. I feel like even though I still don’t have close friends, I’ve become closer to the friends I do have since the beginning of the year. Hopefully as time goes by I’ll become closer to them and make new friends, too.